I must say, I have recently become a huge Bachelorette fan. It is something my girlfriend got me into, and it simultaneously makes me laugh, makes me cringe, and makes me pause the television and go on extended rants. While I watch it with my girlfriend, I believe this show should be required viewing for all single straight men. Basically, every single man needs to find a competitive edge over their fellow single men. Watching the Bachlorette takes very little effort – it takes two hours a week, and you barely have to pay attention. You can do chores around the house, work out, or even write a blog post while watching it and not miss much. By doing this, however, you will gain a competitive edge in the dating scene – you will be able to talk to women about the Bachelorette. Now, I’ve heard the objections, such as “Won’t women find me less manly if I admit to watching the Bachelorette?” Well, if a woman came up to you and started talking football, would you be turned off because she was less “woman-ly”? Of course not! There’s nothing hotter than a woman who knows her sports. Not every woman will watch the Bachelorette, but it is a small investment with a potentially huge payout.
Anyway, how did the Bachelorette find itself in the Atlantic City Diary? Well, the episode this week sent the Bachelorette and 13 of the finest bros to your favorite city and mine. I’d be remiss if I couldn’t share their misadventures. Anyway, as a departure from my normal diaries, here’s the breakdown of the whole ordeal, from start to finish. Pour yourself a glass of white wine (the only way to read a Bachelorette recap) and dig in.
8:00PM – We start as many reality shows do – with a preview of what’s to come, and a recap of everything we’ve already seen. There are 13 men left, and if they get roses we see them next week, and if they don’t, they have to leave. You still following me? Do you need me to repeat this? No? Good, let’s move on.
(Side note: the Bachelorette shows random tweets along the bottom of the screen from fans and former Bachelors/Bachelorettes. There are fairly distracting, and I won’t be commenting on them. However, there is a tweet in the beginning from Arie, one of my favorite suitors for Bachelorette Emily last season. In it, he bashes New Jersey! And that dude is from Arizona! Only Jersey bros can bash Jersey! Shame on you, Arie, you are dead to me).
Anyway, upon learning they are going to Atlantic City, the boys reach the level of excitement they are contractually obligated to meet. The next two hours will be a shameless tourism commercial for my dying city, and these dudes sell it with all the muster 13 fame-whores can muster. The most excited is Mikey T., a meathead who reminds me of Jersey Shore Ronnie’s drunken uncle. He will henceforth be known as Drunken Ronnie Uncle Bro.
Bachelorette Desiree says in the most strained voice that she is “very excited to be there.” The Atlantic City tourism board may be regretting the money they paid for this. A bro named Kasey (to be called Hashtag Bro for his tendency to speak using the word “hashtag”) declares it “Las Vegas on the ocean.” Hashtag I wish.
After the boys arrive, they receive the first date card. Some random guy named Brad gets it. I’ve been watching the show all season, and I don’t know who Brad is. Apparently, neither do the other bros, as he is described as the quietest bro in the house. By the way the other guys describe him, his odds of coming back from this date with a rose look worse than hitting a hard 10.
Desiree and Brad Bro walk the boardwalk, go on some rides, and eat some taffy that is cut to fit the mouth. Meanwhile, Zak W. (aka Shirtless Bro) is glaring down on them from a suite in the Revel. He wrings his hands and fumes in anger. I worry about Shirtless Bro. Commercial!
8:11 – And we’re back! Brad Bro and Desiree go to a sandcastle, and Brad lays down what he wants in a relationship, which is, quote, “nothing specific” and a “great mom.” Glad we cleared that up, Brad Bro.
They go to dinner at a lighthouse, and Brad Bro turns up the charm by saying he hates people who “can’t be serious.” Yeah, doesn’t laughing suck? He spends more time examining his food during the date than talking to Desiree, and has difficulty describing the rides they went on that day. So Desiree brings him up to the top of the lighthouse and gives him the old “It’s been a lot of fun” speech. And Brad Bro hits the road. That’s one less name to try to remember. For some reason, Brad Bro cries in his goodbye interview. I guess he truly hates not being serious.
8:23 – Now it’s time for the group date. Eleven bros head to Boardwalk Hall to compete in a Mr. America contest/commercial for the Miss America pageant (coming to Atlantic City on September 15th – get your tickets today!). On the way over, Shirtless Bro seems to be falling hard for Desiree, calling her a “shining light.” Brooks, one of the more likeable bros, compares her to a “unicorn.” Brooks always seems stoned, so I’ll be calling him Stoner Bro. Michael G., however, is easily the deepest-in-the-closet bro, so I’ll simplify his name to Closet Bro. Upon learning he will be in the Mr. America contest, he proclaims that he has dreamed of being Mr. America since he was a kid. My girlfriend remarks, “He’s kidding, right? He’s kidding? He’s got to be kidding. He’s kidding?”
The bros have to grab random props for the talent show. A Latin hearthrob named Juan Pablo goes to work with a baton (Juan Pablo shall be called Hermano, FYI). Juan Pablo has a Tony Parker-esque creep quality about him, in that you don’t want him within thirty yards of your girlfriend. As my girlfriend said, “He’s the type of guy you fuck before you get into a serious relationship.” Chris, the funny one who reminds my girlfriend of me (aka Rory Bro) immediately puts on high heels and prances about.
8:33 – We’re back into the Mr. America pageant. The bros stress how embarrassing this will be to them. For those new to the show, the bros complain about being embarrassed by every group date, whether it be being in a rap video, pretending to be cowboys, or playing dodgeball. Basically, if they have to wear shorts, it is the most emasculating event of their lives.
They begin by asking the bros Miss America style questions. Would you rather be fire or water? The bro answers fire, but I would’ve answered water – you gotta make the girl wet (hey now!). Stoner Bro gets a question about which animal he’d be, and without hesitation answers “Lion – he’s the king of the jungle!” Rory Bro reminds me of me, by overly explaining his answer to comedic effect. Drunken Ronnie Uncle Bro goes on an epic rant about how women don’t respect men’s feelings. Good show, Drunken Ronnie Uncle Bro!
Next, they move on to the talent show. Hashtag Bro does a terrible tap dancing routine, which Stoner Bro declares as “genius.” Stoner Bro follows up the performance by singing a song on a ukulele, then smashing said ukulele. Shirtless Bro seems surprisingly competent, with limited guitar skills yet a surprisingly strong singing voice. Stoner Bro finishes in third, Shirtless Bro in second, and Hashtag Bro takes the top prize.
8:47 – After a tough day for the bros (especially tough for Closet Bro, who saw his childhood dream crushed), they hit a pool in Revel (which did not quite look like the pool I went to, but whatever). The bros make several romantic overtures to woo Desiree for a much-coveted rose. Rory Bro shares his poetry, while Bryden (aka Army Bro) uses his time to bitch about Ben (too many B-names! This guy is Dad Bro, because he brought out his son in the first episode). The producers have been trying to paint Dad Bro as the villain all season, and it seems like a stretch – all he does is talk to Desiree, and the other bros immediately get mad at him.
Shirtless Bro decides to use his time to continue his song from the Mr. America pageant. It is a cringe-worthy scene that reminded me of Nick Andopolis singing “Lady L” to Lindsey Weir (how’s that reference for you? I do watch good TV shows, too!). However, this works for Shirtless Bro, and he comes away with the rose for the group date.
9:00 – After walking around in a robe and drawing himself a bubble bath, our final bro, James, is ready for his one-on-one date. James shall henceforth be known as Nice Ronnie Bro, for he seems like the Nice Ronnie that Sammy Sweetheart and America fell in love with. Here, however, the episode takes a serious tone. Instead of a crazy, over-the-top date, they decide to tour the ravaged coast of post-Sandy New Jersey. The latter half of the episode becomes an advertisement to help Sandy victims — not that I’m against this by any stretch of the imagination (my mom was displaced by Sandy, and finally moved back into her home last weekend after 7 months away), but it put a damper on the lightheartedness that comes along with every Bachelorette episode. Oh well, it is nothing more white wine can’t solve.
9:09 – Nice Ronnie Bro and Desiree meet up with an old couple in Seaside, and “generously” give up their Atlantic City date to them. Yes, what better place to send a couple that has lost everything than to a city whose mission statement is to make people lose everything.
9:20 – Instead of going to the Revel, where all the bros and previous dates were, the old couple is sent to the Showboat, so apparently the Bachelorette didn’t want to spoil these Sandy victims too much. In a show with tons of fake, manufactured romance, however, we are actually treated to see two people in love, eating in an undisclosed location in Showboat.
Meanwhile, Nice Ronnie Bro and Desiree are getting pizza in the most upscale dive bar in Seaside Heights. They share an awkward kiss, Nice Ronnie Bro describes the mortal sin of cheating on his girlfriend when he was a freshman in college, but proclaims he is ready for commitment. Desiree is engrossed in Nice Ronnie Bro, for some reason.
9:30 – We go back to our favorite old couple in Showboat. It is a sentimental date, but I’m kind of itching to see them do what all lovers in Atlantic City do – play slot machines for 12 hours. Eventually, they are treated to a private concert by Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish. You have to love that Hootie became the most popular African-American country singer of his generation. Nice Ronnie Bro and Desiree barge in on the date, and start making out in front of the old couple. Nice Ronnie Bro earns the rose, and you are reminded that you should be giving to the Red Cross, you cheap bastard.
9:40 – Now, it is time for the Bachelorette staple – the rose ceremony. Before there is a cocktail party, where the bros make their final statement to try to stay on until next week. Army Bro feels doubtful about the process, and I can’t imagine why – everyone knows true love is only formed on reality TV! He tries escape, but Desiree’s eyes bring him back in, and he’s around for another week. Closet Bro’s overly-romantic overture is to spell out things that he loves about Desiree using all the letters in her name. She is slightly impressed and slightly confused, and they share an incredibly awkward kiss. Rory Bro gets her to pinky swear that they’ll be friends forever – a total Rory move.
9:51 – The roses are given out. In order: Rory Bro, Stoner Bro, Hermano, Drew (aka Arizona Bro, since they always have a bro from Arizona on this show), Closet Bro, Dad Bro, Hashtag Bro, Army Bro, and Drunken Ronnie Uncle Bro. The poor bro eliminated? Some guy named Zak (not to be confused with Shirtless Bro aka other Zak). I didn’t know he was on the show. This Zak takes about 20 minutes to go down the escalators in Revel, attempts to cry, and makes a forgettable disappearance into obscurity. Thanks for playing.
This concludes my first, and most likely last, Bachelorette recap. I hope you all enjoyed reading about it as much as I enjoyed watching it. And by that, I mean, I hope you drank a lot and feel slightly worse about yourself.