12:30 PM-I arrive at JFK and BoozySleazy sends me a text to meet him at the bar. No surprise. I get there and he and Kanye are finishing up some fries. BoozySleazy is two Coronas and a shot of rum in and been there maybe 20 minutes. He’s earned his name for a reason.
1:15-BoozySleazy and I have seats together on the plane. I let him have the window so he can have a good view of the Strip as we land since it’s his first time in Las Vegas. I ask him if he’s going to sleep on the flight. He tells me he never sleeps on planes.
1:18-BoozySleazy is asleep.
2:30-I brought a pack of cards with me to practice blackjack on the plane. Whenever I gamble, it takes me a while to get heated up so I figure I’ll get that out of the way. The now-awake BoozySleazy and I go through a couple of hands when the guy on my right says, “You should have hit that one.” I look over and it’s Jon Favreau. I’m going to Las Vegas and I’m sitting next to Jon Favreau! Who’s the big winner? KEITHY’S THE BIG WINNER!!!!!!
2:35-I ask Favs if he wants to join our game. He says he’s fine watching. He’s actually really good and teaching us little tricks to remember when to stay or hit. BoozySleazy and I are on fire. But something’s not quite right…
2:45-I notice that Favs’s eyes and voice are just a little off. It’s not him. Bummer. Still, I take it as a good omen that the guy sitting next to us on the plane looks like him. Plus he’s giving us killer tips.
7:15-Fake Favs turns out to be a lawyer heading to Vegas for business. We invite him out with us but he says he’s too old. He tells us he knows we’re going to have a great time.
7:30-We land and I can feel the adrenaline. The entire plane is suddenly alive. Everyone is looking out the windows and I’m ready to jump out of the plane Steven Slater-style. The Luxor beckons me. It’s like seeing a beautiful girl for the first time in a while. It’s good to see her again, but sometimes she can be a bitch.
7:45-The McCarran Airport taxi line is long but moves fairly quickly. Plus there’s one added bonus. There’s a hot blonde girl behind us and every time we loop around, I get to check her out again…
8:00-Our cab is waiting for us in spot #15. I hope it’s the last 15 I see all weekend. The driver is a guy from Minnesota who moved out here to become a poker dealer but couldn’t find work. He was apparently getting career advice from Conan O’Brien. At least he doesn’t have to live in Minnesota anymore.
8:15-We arrive at the gorgeous new Planet Hollywood Westgate. As we enter Room 3918 (check out what the digits add up to), my mouth is agape. It’s a suite with two bedrooms, a Jacuzzi, a kitchen, a huge living room, and an unbelievable view of Las Vegas. And the coup de grace is a 15-foot tall projection screen that descends from the ceiling to watch TV on. I couldn’t be more blown away if Sasha Grey was involved.
8:20-The crew is almost all in Vegas. Fugitive, Smooth, and TylerDurden are already here and we’re just waiting for Fela. The suite is surreal. I check out each room at least four times trying to process everything. Everyone is smiling and giddy. We haven’t even begun to drink yet.
8:30-Dinnertime. We decide to head to P.F. Chang’s. There’s a 30 minute wait. Next! There’s a Mexican restaurant in our hotel called Yolos and we go there. We get a round of margaritas and toast to a grenade- and landmine-free trip. Yay for alcohol!
8:45-The bad news is that the margaritas have the potency of Juicy Juice. The good news is that the guacamole is delicious. I decide to get to know some of the crew members I don’t know so well. I ask TylerDurden what he does. He says he can’t explain it. Hmmmmmmmm.
9:15-Despite the fact that the waiter took forever to take our order, our tacos are great and we head out into the Las Vegas night. I’m still curious so I ask somebody if they know what TylerDurden does for a living. “He owns like four websites in Argentina” is what I am told. Well then.
9:30-We head south on the Strip looking for a Walgreens to buy sunscreen and mixers. I decide that’s a great name for a band. I get a giant 1-liter container of Gatorade for hydration puposes. Electrolytes.
9:45-I drink about three-quarters of the Gatorade on the way back to the hotel. Way too quickly. My stomach is already full and it’s not mixing well with the Mexican food. Yikes.
10:00-Let the drinking commence! I decide to only drink vodka on this trip because bad things always happen when you mix. It’s like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters. I’m overly excited and my first vodka/Red Bull has wayyyyyyyyy too much vodka in it. It’s not playing nicely with the Gatorade. But hey, why don’t I drink a little and then top it off it with some more Red Bull? That’s a plan.
10:15-I’m on my second VRB. I drink a little and then top it off with more Red Bull. The drunker I get the less my stomach hurts. I look down and my hand is banging against the table. I feel like Sam Kinison circa 1984.
10:30-The screen comes down from the heavens and we start watching music videos on it. The sound system is pulsating. Every beat makes my brain want to explode and I wonder how this is legal in a non-club setting. I feel like I’m a gangster rap video. A superlame one but still. Like Ja Rule or something.
10:45-Third VRB. Andtonight’sgonnabeagoodnightyeahtonight’sgonnabeagoodgoodnight!
11:00-LET’S WALK DOWN THE STRIP!!!! Some girls we know from back home join us and we walk north. We go into our first casino: Bally’s. I know, I know, but it was the first one we saw. The lights and sounds envelop us. I am so amped and everyone else is too. We all throw $10 on roulette. It’s our first bet of the trip and it could set the tone for the rest of it. I bet black and I feel the rush. Everyone else bets red. I win, jerks.
11:45-Underrated thing about Las Vegas is being able to drink on the Strip. It’s like a giant outdoor bar. I switch over to vodka/cranberry so my heart doesn’t explode.
12:15AM-There’s an outdoor casino at the Harrah’s playing classic rock. The girls stop to listen to the music. You know what that means: it’s time for Keith to play some blackjack! There’s only a few things that come close to matching the majesty of day drinking, and outdoor gambling is one of them. I think back to what my mentor, Fake Favs, taught me and I’m inspired. All the dealers are wearing classic rock gear. I settle on one with a Def Leppard t-shirt. I throw down $100. I’m down a little at first but then they start playing “Livin’ on a Prayer.” Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora will me to victory. With all the Red Bull coursing through my body and money on the line, I can barely sit still. I’m singing the whole time. This is heaven.
12:30-The girls are bored. They start to walk away but I’m up about $75. I have no choice. I can’t break from the group. I run in the casino to cash my chips but when I come back everyone is gone. I’m alone like Morrissey.
1:00-I wander around the casino and get a couple more drinks. Drunk Keith has made his first appearance of the trip. I’m talking to everyone I see, stumbling around, dancing.
1:15-BoozySleazy texts me and says they’re at the Venetian. I run there and bump into the gang just as they’re leaving. Great timing. At this point, Drunk Keith decides he wants some ladies. Uh oh. Luckily, BoozySleazy and I see two very nice young blonde girls sitting at some slot machines as we’re heading out and go to talk to them. The conversation goes like this:
Drunk Keith: Hey, you two look very nice tonight.
Girl 1: Thanks, so do you.
BoozySleazy: What are you up to?
Girl 2: Well, we’re $500 for an hour and we’re a lot of fun.
Us: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no thanks.
They came running after us offering $300 an hour but we’re not that desperate. We got out of there like we were escaping a Carrot Top show. Honestly, how lazy are you as a hooker that you can’t even stand up as you’re trying to get some johns? Poor form, poor form.
1:45-“BOTTLES ON ME!!!!!!! LONG AS SOMEONE DRINK IT!!!!!!!!” We all look and it’s Fela, the last member of our crew, singing the official battle cry of the trip. We all jump on him and then continue on our way.
2:00- The last time I was in Vegas, Drunk Keith got destroyed like Rocky in Balboa-Lang I to the tune of $300 on my first night. The only rule I’ve made for myself on this trip is no Drunk Keith gambling. We pass the Harrah’s classic rock outdoor casino and I realize that rules were made to be broken. I find Def Leppard and put in another $100.
2:10-BoozySleazy stands to my left. He is my Apollo. DON’T TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK! GO OUT THERE AND GET A BLACKJACK! BE MORE MAN THAN DEF LEPPARD! EYE OF THE TIGER!
2:15-I start out slow but soon my alcoholism and the spirit of my trainer, Mickey/Fake Favs, take over. I’m unstoppable. I’m doubling down, splitting, go up to $25, $50 a hand. AIN’T SO BAD! AIN’T SO BAD, VEGAS! HIT ME! COME ON, HIT ME! BoozySleazy and I break out some massive high-fiving and fist bumping and then the Boozy Dance. Imagine a lanky, drunk British guy dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld
. That’s the Boozy dance.
3:00- The other guy at my table has had enough of our antics and gets up. Now it’s just Drunk Keith vs. Def Leppard. Our group leaves but I tell BoozySleazy I need him in my corner. I get a 13 and tell Def Leppard to give me an 8. He obliges and then gets two queens. I’m just that good.
3:30-Unfortunately, my massive drinking and sleep deprivation have caught up to me. I start losing. I accidentally hit myself in the balls. It’s time to pack up and go. Def Leppard gives me my chips but I’m too drunk to count them.
4:00-We get back to the room and a party is going on. People are in the Jacuzzi. I have no idea what’s going on. I have no idea who anyone is. I have no idea how people are still drinking. I’m dunzo. I collapse on the pull-out bed. I take my wallet out and somehow have an extra $400 in it. The music is still booming like I’m in the front row at a Van Halen concert. It’s going to be impossible to fall asleep. I think this for about 12 seconds and then pass out to throbbing house music.
Continue to Day 2: Boobs and Blackjack