The stage is set. Three teams each from the guys and the girls took on an enormous mountain with $100,000 going to the winners and nothing for the losers. JoshyBananas, SnatchWalnuts, and BoozySleazy joined me in the Suite for this momentous occasion. Here’s what transpired.
9:57-Farrah from Teen Mom is hot. I need to start watching that show.
9:59-They play a preview of the finale. Looks like it’s going to be crazier than we expected. The mountain is huge and for some reason, they’re camping out in the wilderness. Oh, and puking.
10:03-The competitors are going to have to carry a heavy concrete ball with them the whole time. That’s not going to be fun. Ev and Paula struggle with theirs while Laurel picks it up like a volleyball. Cara Maria wants to name it “Rocky.” Good to know she’s focused. Rocky should date the Abram pillow.
10:04-Johnny Bananas and Tyler finish canoeing a bit behind Kenny and Wes. They change from their wetsuits into running outfits. Somehow a bandana appears out of nowhere for Bananas to wear. As Tim Gunn would tell you, “It’s all about the accessories.”
10:05-The kids have to memorize a campsite setup down to the smallest detail for later in the game. It’s Mike Mike’s time to shine!
10:07-The next activity involves moving dirt from a pile into a trough. Looks like the producers figured out a way to have somebody do their chores for them. This is the smartest idea since Mr. Miyagi made Daniel-san paint his fence and wax his car.
10:08-Wes breaks his concrete ball and puts some of the pieces in his sock. When you’re doing a physical activity over the course of several hours, there’s no better idea than to keep jagged shards of concrete in your sock. Kenny’s explanation? “He’s weird, he’s an idiot.” These guys have really bonded over the past few weeks, huh? Pretty soon it looks like Wes is wearing Curt Schilling’s sock from the 2004 ALCS.
10:10-It’s time to re-create that campsite. Ev and Paula left a compass open and have to go back and check out the original. This is going to be brutal and we still have 50 minutes left in the show!
10:12-If Laurel and Cara Maria nail their campsite, they’re going to have a huge lead…but they don’t, according to the mystical off-camera judge. He’s like the Challenge version of Nanny from Muppet Babies. Yeah, I just went there.
10:13-Jenn with 2 n’s is crying but her tits look amazing.
10:14-Kenny and Wes finish shoveling and move on. “Aside from this ball and chain, I have this red-headed ball and chain.” The hits keep coming. Kenny has the funniest commentary lines since The Situation. Must be an Italian thing.
10:16-Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi have started re-creating the campsite. They ask Nanny if it’s right. An on-screen graphic explains that they got “everything wrong.” Jenn with 2 n’s sucks on her Camelbak. If everything is so wrong, how come I feel so right?
10:18-Nanny tells the three guys teams they can move on with Kenny and Wes holding a slight lead. Kenny/Wes and Bananas/Tyler both had to go back, but Mike Mike and Roy Lee didn’t. Could it be that somebody smart could possibly win The Challenge? Nah, probably not.
10:20-Bucky Larson looks like it’s going to give Larry Crowne a run for its money for the worst movie of 2011.
10:22-The two top girls teams are neck and neck. Their next task is to eat a massive meal. JoshyBananas chimes in, “Shouldn’t be hard for these girls to put a big log of meat in their mouths.” I was thinking the same thing.
10:23-The girls are joined by Kenny and Wes. Nobody looks like their enjoying their food. You know what that means. Vomit montage!
10:25-Wes projectile vomits into the air as the on-screen graphic indicates that his team is finished. It’s like fireworks when you win the World Series. Bananas and Tyler are almost finished their meal and Mike Mike and Roy Lee have just sat down to eat. I’d have to guess that this isn’t the first time Tyler has been around a lot of food.
10:27-Mike Mike and Roy Lee seem to be regurgitating solid food. It’s disgusting. I don’t get why this doesn’t get censored but when Jenn with 2 n’s takes her top off, we get the blurkle.
10:30-Wes hits the deck. It looks like there’s a golf ball behind his knee and it’s pulsating. He scheduled his last HGH cycle at exactly the wrong time. Kenny yells at Wes, then picks him up and carries him like a fireman. Kenny says, “Just when you thought I couldn’t get any more amazing.” It’s good that he keeps everything in perspective.
10:32-My computer is frozen. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Too much vomiting!
10:35-Jenn with 2 n’s and Mandi have finally put together their campsite but are interrupted by a strange figure in the woods. It’s the elusive Sasquatch! Their whorish pheromones have attracted him! No, actually it’s Nanny telling the girls that they’re taking too long so they’re disqualified. Oof. On the plus side, we got an on-camera spot from a shady-looking producer. Always fun. Like when the Spanish announce table breaks in wrestling. Also, apparently Nanny is a pedophile with a goatee. Always wondered that.
10:37-The next task isn’t really a task at all. It’s a sleep break except that while your partner is sleeping, you have to stand on a rock. A sign in the distance reads “cuidado.” Never good.
10:40-One-by-one the teams come in. While Ev is sleeping, Paula falls off her rock and has to wake her. Talk about a rude awakening. “Hey, wake up or we’re going to lose $100,000.” Kenny regales Cara Maria of Wes’s bitchiness and Wes gets mad at Kenny. Then, Wes vomits. Notice a recurring theme?
10:41-The gang sits around the fire and reminisces. Johnny tells Mike Mike how proud of him he is, which is followed by Mike Mike vomiting.
10:42-Another vomit montage takes us into a commercial. We’re all impressed.
10:45-Mike Mike falls off his rock and Roy Lee has to wake up. He and Paula were really made for one another. We debate strategy for this part of the game. I don’t think I could fall asleep and standing takes up a ton of energy, but SnatchWalnuts says sleeping is the way to go. How can you sleep when 100 G’s is on the line?
10:46-Hey, it’s T.J.! He explains that the teams that got to the rest stop first are getting a two-minute head start to climb the rest of the mountain and locate a key that opens the lock to win the game. It seems a little unfair considering the teams in front had more than a two-minute lead when they got there.
10:49-Mike Mike decides he can’t continue. Normally, T.J. wouldn’t stand for such behavior but since this is such a hard competition, he relents and has only nice things to say for Mike Mike. Don’t soften up on me, Teej.
10:50-Time for the obligatory going-home montage starring Mike Mike and Roy Lee. I haven’t seen a homoerotic interracial montage like this since Rocky and Apollo were hugging on the beach. Then come the Mike Mike highlights: making out with Paula, falling 20 feet into a lake and being crushed by Roy Lee, getting blasted in the balls with a high-powered water hose, being eaten alive by rottweilers. OK, I made that last one up.
10:51-Ev gives Paula the ultimate pumpup speech: “I know you had no sleep and are full of steak, but you can do this.” I have tears welling in my eyes.
10:52-All four teams are on the top of the mountain frantically searching for their keys and then……….a commercial. Who’s going to win? The suspense is killing me!
10:54-Victoria’s Secret commercial. Nice.
10:55-The room is in complete silence as we watch. Even BoozySleazy, who was doing something for work, has stopped typing on his computer. Ev says, “It started in a jungle and ended on the top of a mountain.” Fucking right.
10:57-Johnny and Tyler find their key and start running. Kenny and Wes find theirs and either are too tired to make it up or know that they’re too late. They argue until the very end. Johnny lets Tyler turn the key and $100,000 is theirs.
10:58-Ev and Paula find their key and Paula’s streak is over. Gotta be tough if you’re a Cubs fan.
11:00-We see a montage of all the great moments this season and I feel a little nostalgic. It was a great 10 weeks. A helicopter shot is the last we see of Rivals.
11:01-Real World: San Diego preview and the cycle continues! We all comment that one dude especially looks like a tool. But wait…”He’s a girl, baby!” I can’t wait to watch.
11:02-I need a smoke. Goes to show that chemistry and camaraderie can overcome sheer athleticism any day. The teams that worked best together won. That’s the way it should be.