Principal Dick Belding, fresh off being terminated from Bayside High for sexual harassment, was the guest commissioner (some might say replacement commissioner) at a Pro Wrestling Syndicate event last week in New Jersey. Just like when Zack was pulling one of his stunts, Belding didn’t shit from anybody and even slammed a wrestler who dared to disobey him.
It’s clear now that Roger Goodell isn’t getting the job done as Commissioner of the NFL, so I say replace him with Belding. If we can replace the refs, why can’t we replace the Commish? There’s no way Belding would let Bountygate get this out of hand. He’d be like, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, what is going on here?” and then give Jonathan Vilma Saturday detention with Mr. Tuttle. Concussion lawsuits getting out of hand? Let’s whip up some Screech’s spaghetti sauce and use the proceeds for a settlement. There’s no way the NFL is crazier than Bayside. Do you think Ray Lewis ever started a telephone advice line and accidentally manipulated Joe Flacco’s little sister to fall in love with him? All I know is if I see these refs calling pass interference indiscriminately any more, I’m going to lose it. Now let’s make some picks.
RAMS AT BEARS (-7.5)
Sam Bradford is secretly having a very good season.
Crybaby Cutler Pouty Face no let this one go bye-bye baby nooooo.
Just call me an NFC West man! Maybe I’ve been listening to too much of Simmons and Cousin Sal, but I really like the Rams this week.
DP Animal: Rams
St. Louis has actually showed signs of life, and who knows what Bears team will show up?
At the very least, the Rams will cover after their performance against Washington.
EAGLES (-3.5) AT CARDINALS
You’re not going to win a lot of games when you turn the ball over a lot. FACT.
Both of these teams got really lucky the first two weeks, so I predict one of these teams will get blown out. Might as well take the points (plus, I still have the girlfriend who roots for Arizona!).
DP Animal: Cardinals
The defense is for real, and the Eagles are very lucky to be 2-0. I expect the turnovers to doom them here.
This will be a letdown game for the Cardinals. Can’t wait to see Kolb in action against his old team, or not.
FALCONS AT CHARGERS (-3.5)
It’s September and the Chargers are still winning? Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?
They look like one of the top teams in the league. I’m sticking with them until proven wrong (which I usually am).
DP Animal: Falcons
I don’t yet buy into the Chargers, but I do believe in Atlanta.
TEXANS (-2.5) AT BRONCOS
Can Peyton turn his neck yet?
FetusHead will get his REVENGE.
DP Animal: Texans
This is a chance to find out just how good Houston is.
PATRIOTS AT RAVENS (-3.5)
If the Pats don’t step up, this one might get ugly.
DP Animal: Ravens
Without Aaron Hernandez, the Patriots looked ordinary last week.
They’ll bounce back after last week. At the very least, if the Ravens win they’ll win by a field goal.
PACKERS (-3.5) AT SEAHAWKS
Call me the 13th man.
DP Animal: Seahawks
I know the Packers are considered a great team, but they had all kinds of trouble at home with a very similar 49ers team.
…and then some.
Stone: 9-3 (Last week: 4-2)
Rory: 7-5 (5-1)
DP Animal: 7-5 (5-1)
Slumdeezy: 6-6 (3-3)
DRK: 6-6 (3-3)
Phanatic: 5-7 (2-4)