Let’s say you’re having people over for dinner and your girl sends you to the supermarket for vanilla ice cream. It’s about as generic a dessert as it gets. Not great but everyone will eat it, and pretty much all vanilla ice cream tastes the same. Well, only an asshole who doesn’t bet on football would notice any differences, anyway. By definition, it’s vanilla. Now you get to the ice cream aisle and there are two brands of vanilla. One costs $5 and the other costs $6. Which one are you going to choose? Obviously the $5 brand.
Last week, the Seahawks were giving 3.5 points to the Rams on the road. Both teams had 1 win (2 for Seattle if you count the Refpocalypse) and were as vanilla as it gets. However, the Hawks had all the hype from Monday night and Russell Wilson’s magic and became favorites against a team with a legit home-field advantage. Sure, Seattle’s finest was probably a better tasting vanilla, but fuck it if I wasn’t going to pay more for it.
The game was a mediocre affair on both sides and St. Louis prevailed on a couple of bombs from their kicker Greg the Leg and some special teams trickery. The lesson? Avoid the hype. Vanilla is vanilla. Don’t pay extra for it. And if you ask me, the Vikings are looking pretty vanilla this week with some nice purple sprinkles on top. I’m hungry. Let’s make some picks.
FALCONS (-3.5) AT REDSKINS
The Redskins always keep it tight at home.
Seriously? One of the best teams in the league against one of the worst? Yes, please!
DP Animal: Falcons
EAGLES AT STEELERS (-3.5)
Oh, Lawrence Tynes, why couldn’t your leg be a tiny bit stronger?
Either the Steelers win this game big, or the Eagles win by 1 point. I feel the Eagles are about due to show their true colors.
DP Animal: Steelers
This is a huge game for Pittsburgh: if they get Polamalu, Harrison, and Mendenhall back and still struggle, the questions will get awfully loud.
Clearly they like to nestle up in those close games and this will be no different.
SEAHAWKS AT PANTHERS (-3.5)
I hate this game. Boo on Keith for making us pick this.
DP Animal: Panthers
Well, it only took four games, but we once again have a QB controversy in Seattle. I won’t bore you with the long rant I have planned, but suffice it to say that while Russell Wilson has not played particularly well, the Seahawks have also run an offense that would be at home in the 1970s. You simply can’t win in the modern NFL only throwing the ball 35% of the time.
BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS (-7.5)
Peyton has a lot to prove in this one.
I feel last week the Patriots definitely got their mojo back.
DP Animal: Broncos
I wonder what the storyline heading into this game will be?
They’ll at least cover, with Peyton helping his team play over their potential and Brady under-performing this season except against the lowly Bills.
CHARGERS AT SAINTS (-3.5)
I don’t get why Payton and Loomis get to go to this game. Isn’t part of their punishment that they’re not allowed to be a part of potential moments like this?
Everyone realizes the Saints aren’t very good, right?
DP Animal: Chargers
It’s pretty amazing that the 0-4 Saints are favored (by 3.5, no less) over the 3-1 Chargers.
I think I’ll take the Saints as my new team never to pick no matter what. Last year it was the Bills…Saints welcome to the club!
TEXANS (-9.5) AT JETS
This is the Drago-Creed of Monday Night games.
Tebow begins this week.
DP Animal: Texans
The Jets suck.
Stone: 16-8 (Last week: 4-2)
DP Animal 13-11 (2-4)
Rory: 12-12 (2-4)
Slumdeezy: 11-13 (1-5)
DRK: 11-13 (4-2)
Phanatic: 10-14 (3-3)