Archive for the ‘jabronis’ Category

Here it is. A new low. A dead Jabroni. I know I’m going to hell for making fun of a dead guy but what the fuck. Russell Francis was a lifelong Jets fan. That’s enough to be a Jabroni, but while he was gravely ill with lung cancer, Francis boldly predicted Gang Green would get Tim Tebow. He passed away and lo and behold, Tebow ended up on the J-E-T-S. So to honor Francis, his family buried him in a brand new Tim Tebow Jets jersey.

I’m not commenting on being buried in a football jersey. I wouldn’t mind going six feet under in an Eli Manning jersey. There’s just one big difference. Eli Manning has actually played a game for the Giants! Never mind the fact that he’s won two Super Bowls, he’s actually taken a snap from under center. Tim Tebow might absolutely suck on the Jets. Or maybe he comes to New York and becomes an alcoholic with more kids than Antonio Cromartie. I don’t know but that’s why you probably shouldn’t spend all of eternity wearing somebody’s name who isn’t even 25 yet. People change.

Russell, baby, I hope you’re in a good place. I hope you’re talking shop with Weeb Ewbank and getting ready for your date with Marilyn Monroe. But heaven is forever. The Jets are never going to win the Super Bowl and now you’re going to be a loser for all of time. OK, you could do worse. You could be buried in a Stephon Marbury Knicks jersey or a LeBron James Cavs jersey.

The point is you never know what’s going to happen when you get a new player. It’s bad enough buying a jersey when somebody doesn’t pan out, but man, are those angels going to be laughing behind your back if Tebow sucks, which, let’s face it, is a distinct possibility especially since he’s on the Jets. Of course, you also predicted the Jets were going to win the Super Bowl right before you died. Don’t tell the angels that one. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Yardbarker

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I get it. Rick Santorum is super religious. He doesn’t think chicks should get abortions, much less be on the pill. If it was up to him, we’d probably all be going to church everyday. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out how Santorum is still Mitt Romney’s main competition, especially after ridiculous comments like his most recent pronouncement. Rick Santorum wants to ban porn.

Porn is great. Like anything that is awesome, people are going to abuse it. Doesn’t matter whether it’s coffee, cocaine, or shopping. I’m sure there are people out there that have become so addicted to porn that they are out of touch with reality and their lives are ruined. It doesn’t mean we need to ban a good thing because a few people can’t handle it. Ever hear of Prohibition? If President Santorum bans porn, things would be worse than Prohibition. There are legit health and lifestyle risks from consuming alcohol. What’s going to happen if you jack it 5-10 minutes a day? I’d even argue that porn has reduced premarital sex and pregnancies. A horny guy is way more likely get it in if he can’t watch Jenna Haze and Alexis Amore get it on to release a little pressure.

Ricky, baby, I’m not sure if you know this but the economy isn’t doing so hot. Millions of competent Americans workers are out of jobs. Ordinary people are struggling to pay for mortgages, healthcare, and college. There’s also the ongoing threat of terrorism and international conflicts in the Middle East and North Korea. As a voter, I’m a little more interested to know how you’re going to handle those situations.

While most of us aren’t perfect, there’s no reason to uphold a strict moral code in America when banks are still trying to bleed their customers dry and maniacs would stop at nothing to take out a nuclear plant or national landmark. This is why I don’t like politics. A clown who rambles on about religious nonsense is still somehow a viable candidate. Only in America (and Iran). Good luck with the rest of your “campaign,” Ricky. Word is Obama loves Asian porn. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

CNN

An injury-free spring training took a turn for the worse for the Yankees as All-Star setup man David Robertson injured his foot Wednesday and is slated for a battery of tests. No, he didn’t injure it during a game or doing drills. While taking a box out for recycling, Captain Planet slipped, missed a step, and now may be out an extended period of time.

Robertson was lights-out last year. He was the best setup guy in the game and his ERA was 1.08. For comparison, Mariano’s was 1.91. In a season where the Bombers’ starting and relief pitching was hit hard by injuries and inconsistency, he was the one dependable player on the staff. Now, he might be out for months because he’s a fucking boy scout.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Nowhere do I see the word reliever. Why is anyone on the Yankees doing their own chores? The Steinbrenners have money coming out of their ass and they can’t spring for a housekeeper? Tampa is the strip club capital of the world. I’m sure there are a few out of work strippers who wouldn’t mind helping out the Yanks for spring training. Or maybe we can get A.J. back from the Pirates and he can be our designated chore boy.

The thing that worries me is that injuries usually come in bunches. This better not turn into an epidemic. The last thing I need to see is “Curtis Granderson out 4-6 weeks washing dishes” or “Robinson Cano out rest of the season doing laundry.” Although I could see A-Rod injuring himself wrestling with some amazon chick or whatever the fuck he does. I swear if the 2012 Yankees turn into the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant softball team, I will not renew my 9-game discount ticket plan.

Dave, baby, I appreciate you trying to help the environment, but we’re not paying you to do chores. You are in charge of getting out of jams and making sure Mo gets the ball in the 9th inning with the lead. You could dump all your garbage in front of my apartment for all I care as long as we beat the Red Sox. Who cares about pollution when you got that Championship ring? Get a housekeeper to clean up around the house. That’s the Yankee way. Spend your way out of problems. Either that, or we might have to turn you into a bubble boy. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Times

Jabroni of the Week: Snooki

Posted: March 4, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis, TV
Tags: , , , ,

Snooki has the best job in the world. She gets paid an untold fortune for drinking, acting like an idiot, and talking about herself. Most of us do the same things for free. She could literally hold MTV hostage because the ratings for anything she does are so high. From Jersey Shore a spinoff featuring her and JWoww was being ready to be filmed in Jersey City. There was pretty much nothing Snooki could do to fuck up her career because her career was all about getting fucked up. Nothing besides getting pregnant.

You can’t get fucked up if you’re pregnant. You can’t get too fucked up once you have a kid. I’m sure there’s going to be a show called Snooki & Pregnant but MTV would really, really be stretching the limits of good taste. Surprisingly, some of us who watch Jersey Shore have standards. I don’t mind seeing Snooki do cartwheels with her thong hanging out. I don’t mind seeing Ronnie one shot guidos who give him a dirty look. I don’t mind the MVP kids continuously objectifying and mistreating chicks. But once a kid is involved, it’s not fair to drag him or her into this herpes-riddled mess.

How does Jionni let this happen? The kid fell into a goldmine. Sure, he has to bang Snooki but it’s a small price to pay to come along for the ride. Don’t think he doesn’t get a nice paycheck every time he pops up on the show. He has to do even less work than she does. If he gets into an argument with her once or twice a season, he’s done his job. Now he has to deal with a pregnant Snooki. Can you imagine what she’s going to be like when she’s pregnant or when she’s a mom? The smart play was to put up with this for a few years, bank some money, and have fun going places and getting comped because your girlfriend is a TV star. Not a bad life for your early 20’s. Now Jionni is going to have to deal with Snooki for 18 years. I thought he was supposed to be the conservative one. Shouldn’t he have been wearing two condoms at a time, even if she was infertile? Either that or dissolve extra birth control in her morning vodka.

Snooks, babe, I really hope you’ve been managing your money well. Forget about appearing at nightclubs or Wrestlemania anymore. You made more out of your life than should have been humanly possible. It really is a condemnation of our world as a whole, but hey, I can’t blame you for taking advantage of society’s ills. Remember what the MKS tells you before you go for #2, though. Always make the guy pull out or let him put it in your ass. If the most important rule at the Jersey Shore is never fall in love, surely this is next. May God have mercy on your baby’s soul. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Jabroni of the Week: Angelina Jolie

Posted: February 26, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
Tags: , ,

I don’t mind attention whores. Lady Gaga is insane but somewhat entertaining. I don’t mind the holier-than-thou types like Matt Damon who always seem to be calling attention to a cause. But one thing I can’t stand are holier-than-thou attention whores. Angelina Jolie is their queen.

The slit in her Oscar dress is just so obvious. We all know she wants the attention. We get it. She has insane lips and a great body. She’s married to Brad Pitt. She travels the world and saves orphan babies of all races. Wasn’t it just a few years ago that her and Billy Bob announced on the red carpet that they were banging in the limo on the way over? How come nobody talks about that anymore? Matter of fact, wasn’t it a little strange that she was married to a redneck almost twice her age and they wore vials of each other’s blood around their necks? Or was that her and the brother that she made out with? This all happened not too long ago.

Angelina, baby, you’re hot. Just fucking get out of my face. I liked you in Tomb Raider but the rest of your movies look like absolute shit so I haven’t seen any since. Just because you traveled the globe doesn’t mean you know everything about the world’s ills. You can’t dress like a whore on the red carpet and be Secretary-General of the UN. Pick one. When the dean from Community is making fun of you at the Oscars, you may have an image problem.

The only thing that upsets me more is that nobody calls you out on your bullshit. Chicks adore you. They think you’re such a role model. All I know is that I don’t want my daughter wearing some old dude’s blood around her neck. And Brad Pitt is a dumbass. It’s great that you’re trying to help people but remember where you came from. Don’t hide the crazy slut that I know is still lurking inside of you. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Remember that movie Radio where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a mentally handicapped man who finds his place in life by assisting his local high school sports teams? This is the child molestery version of the tale. Sherwin Shayegan, or as the authorities are now calling him the “Piggyback Bandit,” would show up at high school games and help with various tasks, like handing out water. He seemed a little slow but people assumed he was somehow associated with one of the teams playing. Suspiciously, however, Shayegan tried to get piggyback rides from players when the games were over. Like the Wet Bandits flooding the basements of the homes they robbed, the Piggyback Bandit would always ask for piggybacks and even offered to pay for piggybacks.

School officials picked up on his antics and he became well-known in his native Pacific Northwest. Then he headed East, leaping on high school athletes as far away as Minnesota. He even jumped on a hockey player, which sounds so fantastic I wish it was caught on video. On top of the fact that a grown man jumping on kids is incredibly creepy, the Piggyback Bandit is also pushing 250 pounds and might crush a student. Could you imagine him ending a promising athletic career going for a piggyback ride? The Piggyback Bandit is now banned from attending high school athletic events in five states.

Look, I love jumping on people’s backs as much as the next guy, but the Piggyback Bandit is putting way too much time and effort into this. Why spend all the money on gas and hotels, when you find somebody on Craigslist and get all the piggyback rides your heart desires? On the other hand, he has a pretty nice ruse going. Act like a good samaritan, give some kids a little water, and then BOOM! piggyback ride. Who could resist?

Piggyback Bandit, baby, you’re freaking the little kiddies out. I know you may not be the brightest guy in the world but the real trick is going to girls’ volleyball games and furiously masturbating when you get home. Or you can always take your talents down to South Beach. I hear LeBron loves giving piggyback rides. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ESPN


There’s nothing worse than falling short in the biggest game of your life. Well, maybe if you lose by four points and know it would have been a whole different story if your ankle was a full strength. Rob Gronkowski put in a man’s effort in 2011. He crushed records and without him the Patriots would have never made the Super Bowl. His antics, from chilling with porn stars to having entertaining interviews in Spanish, made the season interesting to say the least. Of course, Gronk made the most noise by what he did when the season was over. He partied with his shirt off at the Pats’ post-Super Bowl Party to LMFAO. Guess he didn’t take the loss that badly.

It’s not all Gronk. Veteran Matt Light did the same thing. The Patriots going through with the party was questionable in itself. Who celebrates making the Super Bowl? Tom Brady and Bill Belichick didn’t make an appearance at the understandably somber proceedings, not surprisingly. I’m not saying you can’t go and spend one last time with your teammates and friends or unwind after an intense game and reflect on all the team’s accomplishments. Gronk was going wild, though. Dude was jumping up and down. Good thing he didn’t need surgery on his ankle or anything. Oh wait, he did.

Robby, baby, I love dancing with my shirt off. Ask my lady friends. But there’s a time and a place. Hours after your team loses the Super Bowl is not one of them. And what’s up with all the ass slapping? You and your friends are pretty close, huh? It’s an insult to the people that care to be partying it up.

Everyone handles grieving in their own way. If you made that Hail Mary catch, I’d probably still be eating chocolate chocolate chip Haagen Dazs right now. But you didn’t because of the ankle you were jumping on with all your bros. If Tommy Boy’s testicles weren’t in Gisele’s handbag, he would have kicked your ass. Party like a Champion when you are a Champion. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Twice this weekend while I was rocking my Eli Manning jersey, people felt the need to remind me that the Giants play in New Jersey. I don’t know if they were just haters or wanted to convert me to a Bills fan, but it’s a moot point. The Giants are my team whether they play in New York, Jersey, or go back to the Yale Bowl. Let’s face it, though. They’re a New York team. When they won the Super Bowl in 2007, there was a parade down the Canyon of Heroes and a rally at Giants Stadium. Fair enough. However, when New Jersey governor Chris Christie was on the Today Show, he said he wanted any possible victory parade to be held in New Jersey since that’s where they play and train. Did I mention that Christie is a Jets fan?

I actually like the guy. He’s a big talker but he can back it up, and he’s probably the most viable republican presidential candidate despite choosing not to run. He’s stood up against anyone that gets in the way of accomplishing his goals. In that way, he’s a little like Eli Manning. Christie needs to know his role here.  Sure, I’m a little biased against parades in New Jersey, but going from the Canyon of Heroes to the Canyon of Hobos in Newark is about as big of a dropoff as Christina Aguilera in 2003 to today.

Chris, baby, I know you’re still a little torn up about about this whole Jets collapse. Losing to the Giants on Christmas Eve probably didn’t help, but don’t be a sore loser. One day your team will have its day in the sun [tries to stifle laughter]. Don’t bring any negative attention to my G-Men. When you and Rex bring home the title at the Nathan’s Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, then you can have your beloved New Jersey parade. Champions do it in the Canyon of Heroes. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

CBS New York

Jabroni of the Week: Rep. Frank Niceley

Posted: January 22, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
Tags: , , ,

Meredith Graves is a sweet southern belle from Tennessee who came up to New York to have fun in the big city in December. She probably saw all the sights: Rockefeller Center, Central Park, the Empire State Building. But when she went to Ground Zero, she made made a small mistake. She tried to check her loaded gun at the security checkpoint. It was licensed in Tennessee but out-of-state licenses are invalid in New York. She now faces three years in prison. That’s when her local Congressman Frank Niceley stepped in. Niceley proposed a resolution asking New York to use “common sense” in their case against Graves and then added that if they didn’t, New Yorkers better “pay extra attention to our speed limits” when driving through Tennessee.

Sorry we’re all a little skittish about loaded weapons at Ground Zero. It’s only one of the most polarizing places in the entire world and terrorists would love to hit it again. I’m sure in Tennessee Meredith Graves goes to the shooting range during her lunch breaks, so it’s convenient to carry her gun in her purse, but we don’t need a Homeland situation happening because we let cute chicks carry guns anywhere they want. This isn’t the South. Don’t walk in secluded areas late at night and you’ll be all right.

Then, there’s the blackmail thing with the speeding tickets. First of all, are there really that many New Yorkers driving around in Tennessee? It’s a little out of the way. Secondly, if Bloomberg locked away a Super Bowl hero in Plaxico Burress for violating a gun law, do you think he’s really going to have any mercy on some random out-of-state dumbass? I think we’ve been through enough with Ground Zero. Threatening to give out speeding tickets because of this situation is an insult to all New Yorkers.

Frank, baby, I’m sure you didn’t realize how mad you were going to make all of us. The World Trade Center attacks may have taken place 10 years ago but the scars are still fresh. You may have meant the threat as a joke to get some attention, but it’s not funny. Meredith Graves didn’t know the law and although she should have done a little research before coming up here, she probably won’t spend three years in jail. Try to be a little more sensitive. Y’all don’t come back now, ya hear? Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Daily News

Jabroni of the Week: Mexican Paramedics

Posted: January 15, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
Tags: , ,


Ay caramba! You’re telling me that when transporting a fucking heart, the best these guys could do was a little cooler with wheels? That’s the same thing I bring to the beach. And did these guys need to jog with the cooler, like the patient was going to die in the next 30 seconds? From the looks of it, the hombre on the left does a lot more burrito eating than jogging. We couldn’t get them a segway or a golf cart or even just secure the lid with some tape or something? The best part is when the heart falls on the ground the two guys don’t even inspect it or discuss it, they pick it up and toss it back in the cooler like it’s the norm in Mexico. Heart fell in the middle of the road? Just throw it back in, Jose.

It’s not like Mexicans have enough stereotypes to worry about. I’m just surprised there wasn’t a mariachi band playing as these chanchos made their way from the helicoper. Sometimes you hear that healthcare is better in third-world countries than in America but after seeing this, I’d rather pay sky-high premiums on my health insurance than have to deal with my new corazon covered in burro shit.

Mexi medics, bebés, I know that you guys were only trying to do your best Speedy Gonzales impression but come on, with that drop do you think you’re on the Packers or something? Even LeBron James is making fun of you for how un-clutch you are. Transporting the heart shouldn’t be harder than transplanting it. Get it together, chicos. And make sure to wash your hands with bottled water before the procedure. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.