As you can tell by the title, this AC Diary will be a bit different from the rest.  Today, rather than recounting a raucous tale of alcohol-fused rabble-rousing, I’m going to compare Atlantic City to its older, more ruthless brother: Las Vegas.  Now, a bit of personal history: Las Vegas is where I popped my gambling cherry.  I was last there back in 2007, before finding a steady gambling partner in Atlantic City.  It was closer and more familiar, and I ended up developing strong feelings for the city.  However, Atlantic City and I have never had a monogamous relationship.  When I’m out of town, it is clearly fucking tons of other people.  And I’ve yearned for six long years for another lost weekend with my first love.  This past weekend, we were reunited and it felt so good.

Everyone already knows a plethora of things that Las Vegas can offer that Atlantic City can’t: sports gambling, incredibly cheap gambling options, dozens of performers and shows going on every night, incredibly expensive gambling options, etc.  What you can do in Vegas is only limited by your imagination, while Atlantic City is much more regulated and strict.  It doesn’t have the same Wild West feel that Vegas has (save for the Wild Wild West casino).  These are just the surface differences, though.  There are some differences between these two meccas of sin that can only be spotted by keen gambling veterans by myself.  So, let’s start with the beginning of each day:

Mornings: For some reason, after a long night of partying, I only end up sleeping for a couple hours, waking up usually around 8 AM or so.  As most of my friends are dreaming of hard 8′s, I usually go for a walk around the casinos to work off my hangover.  In Atlantic City, this walk is usually like a bucket of ice water to the face.  You are bombarded by happy faces of people just starting their day.  There are people checking into the hotel, getting breakfast, jogging on the boardwalk, etc.  It just makes me want to yell at them “DON’T JUDGE ME!  I WAS ONCE LIKE YOU!”

In Vegas, I had one of these 8 AM walks again.  However, this time, I was greeted by….no one.  It was a ghost town.  I walked up and down the strip for about an hour, and it was sparsely populated the whole way through.  Seeing a deserted casino is an unsettling experience, like catching my friend OB in the bathtub with a bottle of vodka floating around like a rubber ducky.  Why is there a stark difference in the morning routines of these towns?  The answer was fairly obvious: old people.

In Atlantic City, you have senior citizens pouring their life savings into slot machines one nickel at a time.  They rise at the crack of dawn, hop on a bus, sit at a slot machine for hours, then hit the early bird buffet special.  At night, you have some young folks, but they are mostly locals – they’ve done Atlantic City before, and they’ll do it again, so there’s no need to chase the night.  In Vegas, it is all young tourists who are mainly rookies to this type of party scene.  They will stay out to all hours of the night and early morning, leaving the breakfast buffets mostly vacant.  It’s a small difference that many might not catch, and, overall, I appreciate the bustling mornings of Atlantic City.  Seeing Vegas empty is just downright creepy.

Respect: Atlantic City is insanely disrespected, and that disrespect has been duly earned throughout the years.  However, people are still enamored with Vegas, as its bright lights and drunken revelry are still seen as glamorous.  When you come back from Vegas, people ask you where you’ve eaten, what shows you’ve seen, etc.  When you come back from Atlantic City, people ask you how much you lost.  Heck, just check out Bruce Springsteen singing about Vegas and Atlantic City.  Now, Vegas is definitely a less seedy and much more reputable place to vacation, but not as much as you’d come to believe.  I believe the respectability gap should be closer.

Blackjack: Now, I haven’t done any scientific testing, but based on my blackjack playing experience in both cities, there is definitely something sinister going on.  In Atlantic City, everybody knows how to play blackjack fairly competently.  If you make a mistake, be assured that there will be a crotchety old man yelling at you or an Asian business man sighing and throwing his hands up in disgust.  And even when everyone plays correctly, you, the old man, and the Asian dude will all lose.  It’s undeniable.  I’ve been going to Atlantic City for nearly six years, and I can barely remember any good blackjack runs.  Meanwhile, in Vegas, everyone plays blackjack terribly.  People stay with 14′s and 15′s against 8s!  People have to ask how to double down!  It’s insane!  But the thing is: everyone wins!  I was nearly falling-down drunk last Saturday, and ended up winning over $100.  My girlfriend lost $40 immediately, so I lent her $10, and she got two blackjacks in a row and worked that $10 into $75.  There is only one logical conclusion: Atlantic City is rigged.  Period.  And that’s why, despite the dead mornings and too much respect that Vegas gets, all gamblers should go there.  You will win.  Sure, you’ll spend the money on crazy Cirque du Soleil shows and $12 margaritas, but it is worth it to feel like a winner.  But I still love you, Atlantic City – and just to prove it, I’ll be there next month to test my “rigged blackjack” hypothesis.  Stay tuned…

It has been far, FAR too long since the boys and I have putzed the night away in Atlantic City.  Our last adventure, featuring Finn, OB, Keith, and myself, was way back in September.  Well, this time, the same crew reunited, heading down to see the Anti-Social Comedy Tour, featuring Jim Norton, Amy Schumer, Dave Attell, and Artie Lange.  I have to tell you, having gone nearly six months without a hit, spin, or roll of the dice was giving me the shakes.    The night before our trip, OB and I got into the right frame of mind by watching “gambling” episodes of our favorite TV comedies, such as Futurama’s “Viva Mars Vegas,” The Office’s “Casino Night,” and South Park’s “Red Man’s Greed.”  Needless to say, I could already smell the extra oxygen they allegedly pump into the casinos.

Our game plan was simple.  We had a room in Bally’s, which, fortunately, connects to one-and-a-half other casinos (Caesar’s and what is left of the Wild Wild West casino).  With this as our home base, we would have an ample area to putz about, without having to face the elements (it was freezing cold out).  The comedy show was at The Borgata at 7:30, which would help break up the night.  After that, we’d gamble until we rebuilt Atlantic City’s economy.  Like I said, the game plan was simple.  So let’s see if we stuck to it.

12:00PM – Our 12:30 bus arrived 30 minutes early, and left 10 minutes early.  I must say, this was a pleasant surprise.  Our bus driver was a friendly man with a thick accent who reminded Keith of his priest.  I didn’t drink much on the trip, using it to catch up with Keith and OB (Finn was driving down to meet us later).  Also, the light was out in the bathroom.  Not much to say here.

Keith Stone: Hey, what can I say? I went to church to absolve myself of my future sins, which may or may not include peeing all over the bus toilet seat. I also kept my streak alive of drinking Bandit wine on the trip down. I drank it out of a Gatorade bottle. Gotta keep hydrated.

3:00 – By the time we arrived at Bally’s, OB and I were starving for food.  Keith had the foresight to bring food on the bus, and was doing fine and dandy.  I really should add “eat a full breakfast” to the Do AC checklist – it will prevent incidents like this (or seagull attacks) in the future.  With the line to check-in incredibly long, we hightailed it to the Boardwalk Buffet at Caesar’s.  Keith hesitated to join us, having already eaten, but figuring that this would be the last time we get food this evening, he decided to fill up even more.  And fill up he did.  OB and I made a mad dash to the first food available, which was the shrimp.  We each grabbed a quick plateful of shrimp, which was a decision that we both immediately regretted.  The shrimp was far from fresh, and slowed down our ability to stuff our faces to the fullest (I did still have a large helping of salad, a cut of prime rib, dumplings, soup, rolls, etc.).  Meanwhile, Keith put on an eating display that shamed the both of us, nearly doubling our plate totals before rubbing it in with a celebratory cupcake.  I must tip my cap to the man.

MKS: The mashed potatoes and gravy were delicious.

5:00 – With Finn joining our crew, we checked into the hotel room.  While we got upgraded to an ocean front room, for our first time in Bally’s, none of us were particularly impressed by the room.  The television was still the large and boxy kind that they stopped making 10 years ago, the toilet took an enormous effort to flush, the iron did not work, the doors to the television cabinet did not stay open, and there was a lack of power outlets (only four that were easily accessible).  Other than that, it sucked.  But honestly, I didn’t want to stay in the hotel room, I wanted to gamble!

We headed downstairs to the bar in the lobby, appropriately named Lobby Bar.  Here is where we all wasted the $25 voucher that came along with the bus.  Playing video blackjack, I worked mine up to a robust $29, and swore I would cash out when I got to $30.  But, I never reached that level.  A horrific losing streak left me around $11, and at that point, I said “Fuck it” and gambled the rest away.  I don’t like video blackjack – there is no doubling down or splitting, so the whole thing seems rigged (or at least, more rigged than other casino games).  Next time, I’ll just stick my voucher in a random slot machine and let Lady Luck decide what I make.

Pissing away my voucher didn’t satisfy my thirst, so I headed to the physical blackjack tables.  Bally’s has an ample amount of blackjack tables, but most are around $25.  The few $15 tables they have, unfortunately, attract the worst players around.  When I played here, people were aghast that I split two 4′s against a 6, saying I should have doubled down.  The next card was a 9, which gave me 13, so I stayed (I would have had 17 if I doubled).  The next card was a 2, giving me 6 total on the other hand (which, after a couple of hits, became a decent hand).  The dealer, of course, flipped over a face card, then busted.  But, if I had listened to the dolts at the table, the dealer would have ended up with that 2.  I played correctly, and won.  There were many other incidents of terrible gambling (someone stood on a soft 14!), so I knew I had to get out of there quick before these jokers started costing me money.  After a bit of time, I walked away up $75, and was ready for the comedy show.

7:00 – We took a cab to the Borgata, and made our way immediately to the theater, so I don’t have much to report to you on Borgata’s scene.  The bar at the show was cash only, and, as I was saving my cash for the blackjack tables, decided to stay sober throughout the show.

This is the third year in a row that Jim Norton has hosted a comedy show at the Borgata, and, thankfully, OB and I have been there all three times.  Last year, it was Doug Stanhope in Amy Schumer’s spot, and two years ago, it was Bill Burr and Jim Breuer (with no Artie Lange).  Last year’s show was absolutely fantastic, and, with rumors that this might be the last year they are doing this, my expectations were very high.  The opening comic was not very good, as he relied on joke topics that I hear very often at open mics, such as his love life and his name (every comic has a joke about their name).  However, Atlantic City crowds can often be drunk and hostile, but this crowd was very supportive, and the guy was able to warm up the crowd sufficiently.

Jim Norton came out strong with his usual brand of disgusting, offensive, and self-degrading sex humor.  By far, the biggest laugh came from fucking up a joke, accidentally referencing the hospital as a place where he bangs women.  This led to a series of hospice sex jokes, showing that good rape jokes are still alive after feminists murdered Daniel Tosh last summer.  As a huge fan of Jim Norton, I always found great humor in the random details he’ll throw in, and enjoyed him comparing Mike Bloomberg to Leon from Dog Day Afternoon a little too much.

Norton was followed by Amy Schumer, a comic I only slightly know from Comedy Central roasts.  Taking the place of Doug Stanhope, I felt it was a bit jarring in the beginning, as the opening jokes didn’t have the same “good lord, that’s so wrong” quality that you associate with the other three comics.  However, when she began to bust out her “everyone’s been a little raped” bit, she had the audience in her hands.  (Yes, I’m still pissed off by the people who tried to censor comedy last year).

Dave Attell batted third, delivering his trademark random madness.  What I always loved about Attell was the insane amount of jokes he jammed into every set.  By the time you finish laughing at one, you’ve already missed half of another one.  I’m not sure I can do his set justice in this short description, as it is something I’d like to listen to again. I do like how both Attell and Norton had jokes already from recent events (mainly Sandy), which gave their sets a very fresh feeling.

Which leaves us with Artie Lange.  Now, I knew he would go last, as his sets are a lot looser and not as tightly rehearsed as many other comedians, so it is very tough to go up after him.  And I understand that he’s had personal problems over the last few, well, decades.  And I also know that he’s more a radio personality than a pure stand-up comic.  So is that enough qualifiers?  His performance was, in a word, polarizing.  I laughed the whole time, but there were many jokes that he performed either last year or on one of his comedy albums, such as the “runner’s high versus heroin high” bit, Mike Tyson’s voice on your GPS, and the “‘midget’ is like the ‘n-word’” joke.  Other huge laughs in his set came from just quoting Norm MacDonald or 50 Cent.  So while the set was fine, I can’t help feeling that I deserved more.  Wah wah wah, right?

At the end of the show, all four comics came out to do a quick question and answer session with the audience.  In the previous years, this was Norton and Attell’s time to shine, quickly improvising insults to the dumb questions people would ask.  However, this year Amy Schumer really killed it.  Highlights included her calling a young redheaded man “Bill Burr at the end of Benjamin Button” and imploring a long-winded audience member to “tell us less.”  This was my favorite part of the show – it is inconsistent (as some improvised jokes fall flat), but the jokes that do hit are so wild and unexpected.  If I was Netflix rating the show, I’d give it a 4/5, with the only fault being Artie’s lack of new material.

MKS: As as relative newcomer to the Anti-Social Comedy Tour and its comedians, I was very impressed. However, unlike Rory, Artie Lange was my favorite. The first three comics (minus the opening act) relied mainly on over the top jokes and sex humor. It was funny but the laughs were all about shock value and there’s only so many penis jokes a refined gentleman like myself can handle. The thought of guys like Attell and Norton fucking chicks was also too much to bear after gobbling down copious amounts of General Tso’s chicken.

Luckily, Mr. Lange treated us to his humorous observations about drug and gambling addictions. I guess if I had heard the jokes before they wouldn’t be so funny but I hadn’t. I give the show a 4/5 as well but for very different reasons than Rory.

9:45 – After the comedy show, we retreated back to our room to drink more and watch some sports.  While the other three were watching a wrestling tournament, I occupied myself with the NBA All-Star Game.  I was very disappointed that my boy Brook Lopez did not get more playing time, since he ended up with the second best plus-minus for the East.  It did not surprise me that the East lost – that’s what happens when you give Carmelo Anthony the most minutes.

MKS: Only a Nets fan would refer to Satan’s Prison as a wrestling tournament. It was an interesting twist that Jack Swagger came away with the victory so quickly after his return, but the Rock pulling out the Title defense against CM Punk after two  (two!) referees were knocked out of commission was a work of art.

11:30 – After a sufficient amount of boozing, all four of us descended to the gambling floor.  After perusing Bally’s earlier in the day, we took our talents to the remains of the Wild Wild West.  I have spoken about my love for their 24-hour happy hour at the Wild Wild West bar, but something didn’t feel quite right.  Now, the bar has an official corporate sponsor – Jim Beam.  With this, the bar area has added a lot of bells and whistles – there are beer pong tables, a mechanical bull, a pop-a-shot game, and a photo booth.  It attracted a reasonable crowd of young folks, which stunned us as we were not used to seeing anything but the drunkest and most degenerate gamblers there.  However, the people there stuck mostly to hanging out in their circle of friends, and the two-man dance party started by OB and Keith crashed and burned on impact.  And it was no fault of their own – it was a stunning effort by those two to liven up the floor, but nobody was buying it.  Perhaps it was too early in the night.

12:15 AM – This didn’t last two long, as the gambling bug was gnawing on OB.  He took his luck over to the Wheel of Fortune slots.  If you haven’t played the Wheel of Fortune slot machines, you should know that hitting the bonus and getting able to spin the wheel will make you feel like a true champion.  OB was able to spin roughly four or five times, making him feel on top of the world (even though the process was slowly bleeding him of money).  Trying to reduplicate my slot machine success from Chapter 5, I hit the Sex and the City slots adjacent to the Wheel of Fortune machines, and promptly lost $20.  I really wanted to say “those ladies had some tight slots,” but I was reaching my bad joke quota.  Fortunately, it was nearing midnight, so my bad joke quota was about to reset.

MKS: This might make me sound old but can we go back to the days of manual one-reel slot machines with bars and cherries? As impressive as it sounds to have 25 chances of winning with millions of symbols on these newfangled electronic machines, I like to actually know what’s going on. Watching Rory play, how was I supposed to figure out that a reel of Mr. Big, the Sex and the City logo, the Statue of Liberty, Samantha, and a pair of Manolos wins 100 credits? Also, Rory won’t admit this but he played the game for about an hour. He’s such a Charlotte.

1:00 – We’ve made it over to Caesar’s, just as a change of pace.  OB decides to change his game up by playing the KISS slot machines.  He ends up hitting another bonus here which plays “I Was Made For Loving You” as it gives free spins.  Earning him a bit more of a gambling stake, the four of us hit a blackjack table.  This is the first time, I can recall, the four of us actually sat down at the same table together.  The results, obviously, were mixed.  Finn and Keith were getting dealt the blackjacks while OB and I paddled desperately clinging to a piece of driftwood.  I slowly watched my profits from earlier in the day disappear, eventually leaving me $40 in the red.  Soon, OB and I abandoned the others to head back to Bally’s.

2:00 – Bally’s turns my luck around.  I sit down by myself at a blackjack table (away from the previously mentioned fools), and immediately win three hands in a row to get back to even for the night.  Finn and Keith shortly join OB and I, and we head over to Lobby Bar again to relax for a bit (while OB furiously bets on those sneaky video blackjack machines).  After making a hefty amount of money in Caesar’s, Finn wants to get his Caribbean Stud action on, so Keith and I head with him to the tables, while OB heads back to the room.

3:00 – I receive this text message from OB: “1 man power hour up in club 2429.”  Being the good alcoholic that I am, I excuse myself to go join him, and continue what is fast becoming an Atlantic City tradition – cheering up OB after he’s gone bust for the night.  Finn and Keith are back in the room by the tail end of the power hour, as OB decides to clean himself up for one more go by taking a bath.  Refreshed from the tub, he decides to head back to the floor and try to take out more money to play.  And, against all sanity, Keith and I decide to play more, as well.

4:30 – We are in the danger zone.  Like, the “I might tell someone to ‘suck a dick about it’” zone.  I’m doing fine at blackjack, but the peanut gallery is balking at my decisions (which are correct).  I reach a point where, for the first time in my life, I feel that I’ve gambled enough. I excuse myself and head back to the room, and, luckily enough, I run into OB, carrying a glass of the house red.  He has been blessed by the fact that he was unable to get more funds to gamble with, so we all head upstairs.

Along the way, he sees a girl who is barefoot on the casino floor.  He checks her out up and down, looks at his glass of wine, then continues to check her out.  Using all his wit and charm, he musters up the greatest pick-up line I’ve heard to date: “I like wine, and feet.”  Unfortunately, this came out more as a mutter, and the girl either did not hear it or completely disregarded it.  Keith and I immediately ushered OB back to the room, figuring that this would be the highest point of the potential relationship between OB and this lady.

MKS: We were playing with some real amateurs at the tables, the kind of people who stay on a 15 against a 10. The optimal move for us was to leave but these are the types of decisions you don’t make at 4 in the morning in Atlantic City. The entire day we had that type of luck. It’s what Kobe Bryant must feel like trying to get Dwight Howard to play serious basketball. But we did learn a important lesson: the geniuses with an education from the Philadelphia public school system play blackjack at Bally’s.

Also, “I like wine, and feet” has the potential to be this generation’s “You had me at hello.”

6:00 – In good spirits and feeling generous, OB puts in a breakfast order from room service.  At this point, I’m about down for the count, yet ordered an eggs benedict, and closed my eyes for a quick nap.  I figure that by the time room service arrives, I’ll be rested and ready to eat.

9:00 – I wake up from the nap, gulp down the cold and soggy eggs benedict, and begin the process of determining how much I should regret last night.  All-in-all, I did fairly well – I am up $20, but that does not include the price of the hotel room, bus, or show ticket.  The other members of my team start to slowly arise, and, as usual, the conversation turns to people who have sexual fantasies about America’s Funniest Home Videos.  The bus ride home was a typical ride as well, as I slept so deeply that you could have performed surgery on me.

MKS: I stayed up for breakfast and it was delicious. Finn and I kept awake by listening to WrestleMania: The Album on YouTube, featuring “hits” such as the emotional spoken word ballad “Never Been A Right Time To Say Goodbye” by Bret Hart and the patriotic classic “USA” by Hacksaw Jim Duggan. If we ever decide to change the national anthem, I want good old Hacksaw put in charge.

When we heard a knock at the door for the room service order, I went to open up and a server named Mohammad entered. As he walked in the room pushing the cart holding our food, he looked mildly perturbed to see three grown men in various states of undress and consciousness strewn about the room. I stammered out an explanation of, “It was a rough night,” and he replied, “No need to worry.” This wasn’t his first rodeo in Atlantic City. After gobbling down my breakfast, I passed out and cuddled next to my favorite Nets fan as we both dreamt sweet dreams of Jason Kidd.

Overall, it was a delightful return to form for my gambling ways.  If you can manage to get drunk, see a great comedy show, and turn a bit of a profit, you have had a successful weekend.  The only disappointment was the quality of the blackjack players, the shrimp at the buffet, and the lack of exploring other casinos.  Next time around, I’ll have to brave the weather and hit the Boardwalk, just to get a sense of how the town is truly doing post-Sandy.  We have no solid plans to return to Atlantic City yet, but there’s a 50/50 shot I could be there as early as this upcoming weekend, so stayed tuned loyal readers.

Read Chapter 6

Who better to take us into the Golden Domes vs. mobile homes matchup in the BCS National Championship Game tonight than Rudy Ruettiger? Poor Rudy was too small and didn’t have the grades to play at Notre Dame, they said. But, golly gee, he worked hard and said his prayers and he made it. So basically Rudy is the exact opposite of every player who’s going to see action tonight.

These two teams might actually represent the worst of college football’s programs and fanbases. One the one hand, there’s Mr. Popped Collar Notre Dame. “Excuse me, we don’t need to play in a conference with other teams. How could any team be listed in the same standings as a fine Catholic institution such as Notre Dame? Our alumni and hangers-on are so crazed with goodness and reverence that they will gladly spend all the cash they made in the market to help our team win. Also, the past 20 years never happened. WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU.”

Then, on the other hand, there’s a lot of missing teeth. “Yeeeeeeeeeeeehaw, we gon drink Natty Lights and play cornhole all day. I just gotta make sure not to pass out before the big game. Y’all think Rudy is a classy feller? Well, Coach Saban is such a classy feller, I named my first born son after him. Daggone right, and when little Coach Saban Billy Bob Schrader turns 18 or learns how to read, he’s gon go to the University of Alerbama. Coach Saban will definitely still be coaching the team then! Now where did my cousin, I mean, wife go? Roll Tide!”

If there was a douchebag fan scale, these teams wouldn’t be on the scale, they would be the scale. But yeah, Saban is a dick, so there’s only three words to say tonight: RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!

It’s all over folks! The 2012 NFL regular season, as quickly as it came in, is done, and with it the Six-Pack Challenge. And the final results are…

Stone: 59-43 (57.8%)
DP Animal: 54-48 (52.9%)
Rory: 54-48 (52.9%)
DRK: 51-51 (50.0%)
Phanatic: 51-51 (50.0%)
Slumdeezy: 50-52 (49.0%)

That’s right! For the second year in a row, Mr. Stone is your picks king. Albeit with a smaller sample size than 2011, my picks were actually more accurate than last year. Checking the competition, DP and Rory did a decent job and made it out a little ahead, DRK and Phanatic have the predictive capability of a flipped coin or baboon, while unfortunately for Slumdeezy, he was actually forced to sell his shoes to pay off his gambling losses. Not that walking around shoeless in casinos is all that bad. Just remember, if you lost all your money in the regular season, you can simply double down for the playoffs. There’s no way it can go wrong!

There’s nothing worse than having your team’s playoff hopes pinned to another team. Or if you’re a Giants fan, three teams. At the end of the season, there’s no telling what type of performance you’re going to get from a team ready to head South for the winter. Sure, the Lions are going to bring it if it’s WEEK 5, but if Matt Stafford strains his ever-so-tender throwing shoulder against the Bears, he’s going to be out of there faster than a Taylor Kitsch flick after its opening weekend. There are no rules for homebound teams in WEEK 17. Some teams or even individual players may be playing or not playing for different reasons, like pride, free agency, rivalries, or a favorite coach.

It’s like meeting chicks in Las Vegas. When you’re at home, you get the standard variety. There are sweethearts, bitches, prudes, skanks. In Vegas, all bets are off. Good girls turn into Alexis Texas, boyfriends get cheated on, excessive tequila shots are consumed, and false identities are used, but a select few ladies remain true and loyal. Really, when you’re not going to be around in a few days, what’s the point of being on your best behavior? It’s time to get fucked up and freaky. Right, ladies?

So what are we going to see with teams like the Lions, Rams, Cardinals, and Eagles possibly playing huge roles in determining the playoff picture and their Vegas vacations ending soon? In a perfect world, they’d all be playing hard, but you know most of them will end up in a bathroom stall vomiting their brains out while some guy named Julio is snorting coke off their ass, or at least the football equivalent of that. Here’s hoping Eli doesn’t end up with puke on his cleats. Time for some picks…

TEXANS (-7.5) AT COLTS
Stone: Colts
Chuck is strong.

Slumdeezy: Colts
The Giants have their hopes in the hands of one rookie QB this weeks, so I’ll have mine in two.

DRK: Colts

Rory: Texans

DP Animal: Texans

Phanatic: Texans
The Colts have nothing to play for.

RAVENS AT BENGALS (-3.5)
Stone: Bengals
Don’t count out the Bengals in the AFC Playoffs.

Slumdeezy: Bengals

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Bengals

DP Animal: Bengals
Neither team has much to play for, but I think the Ravens would rather stay the 4th seed (and play Indy).

Phanatic: Ravens

EAGLES AT GIANTS (-7.5)
Stone: Eagles
Man, you never know what you’re going to expect from the Champs.

Slumdeezy: Giants
Just my sentimental choice. ELI! One more time this season.

DRK: Eagles

Rory: Eagles

DP Animal: Eagles

Phanatic: Giants
It’s hard to not take them, one last hurrah before missing the playoffs. Smells like a blowout.

BEARS (-3.5) AT LIONS
Stone: Lions
Please, pretty please let the Lions win.

Slumdeezy: Lions
For Fro- I mean ELI!

DRK: Lions

Rory: Bears

DP Animal: Lions

Phanatic: Bears

PACKERS (-3.5) AT VIKINGS
Stone: Packers
The Pack won’t let a bye get away from them, will they?

Slumdeezy: Packers
For ELI!

DRK: Vikings

Rory: Vikings

DP Animal: Packers
AP won’t get the rushing record either.

Phanatic: Vikings
To cover at least.

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS (-3.5)
Stone: Redskins
Hey, at least one of these teams will likely have a heartbreaking loss.

Slumdeezy: Redskins
Let’s see what this RG3 kid is made of.

DRK: Cowboys

Rory: Redskins

DP Animal: Redskins
Well, at least there’s one meaningful game this weekend.

Phanatic: Redskins
The Cowboys will be eliminated on the last day of the season, again.

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 55-41 (Last week: 3-3)
DP Animal: 51-45 (3-3)
Rory: 51-45 (3-3)
DRK: 48-48 (5-1)
Phanatic: 48-48 (5-1)
Slumdeezy: 45-51 (1-5)

Last week’s picks

The best thing about watching games on Sundays is the nonstop orgy of football action. Like any good orgy, the action should be evenly paced. You don’t want to spend the first half getting serviced by some banging ladies and then spend the end in the corner getting your rocks off with a fat chick named Bertha. That’s why it infuriates me that the NFL only has three games scheduled at 4PM this week. To start off, 11 games is way too many to watch at 1. Unless you’re at the greatest Buffalo Wild Wings of all-time, there’s no practical way to keep tabs on the statuses of every early game. Sure, the Raiders-Panthers game isn’t exactly Favre vs. Elway in Super Bowl XXXII but I bet there are some Jets fans that need to watch as much football as possible to get the stench of ass off their face.

Two of our 4PM games feature the Cardinals and the Browns, respectively. Not exactly compelling TV. So then we’re left with our Bertha: Giants-Ravens. Should be a good game but maybe it’s not. Then what? Do you expect me to talk to my friends and loved ones? I know we’re getting close to Christmas but nobody needs to get home early from these games on Christmas Eve Eve and Grandma’s two days away from getting mad at you for not showing her enough attention.

I don’t see a good reason for this schedule. Maybe the Giants-Ravens rating will be higher and the NFL and their TV partners can charge more for commercials. It’s not worth it to shortchange the viewer. With tons of games with playoffs implications, let’s spread it around. The games are awesome because they’re played at around the same time as each other, not all at the same time. And while we’re at it, feel free to spread the orgy to Saturday. You’re telling me two full days of important football games wouldn’t be the best Christmas present the NFL can give? Well then, I don’t believe in Tebow Claus. Let’s make some picks…

BENGALS AT STEELERS (-3.5)
Stone: Bengals

Slumdeezy: Steelers

DRK: Bengals

Rory: Bengals
I’m taking over!  Let’s go!

DP Animal: Steelers
For a variety of reasons, I’d love to see the Bengals win and vanquish Pittsburgh, but I don’t know if they’re ready to go into Heinz Field and win.

Phanatic: Bengals
Both teams are fighting for a playoff spot, but the Bengals are just better.

SAINTS AT COWBOYS (-2.5)
Stone: Saints
The collapse will come sooner or later.

Slumdeezy: Saints
As an increasingly desperate Giants fan this might just be wishful thinking.

DRK: Saints

Rory: Cowboys

DP Animal: Saints
Can’t wait for the cutaways to Jerry Jones’ luxury box as this is happening.

Phanatic: Saints
Let’s start to separate out the NFC East tie.

REDSKINS (-6.5) AT EAGLES
Stone: Redskins
And to think, they were left for dead a few weeks ago.

Slumdeezy: Eagles
Wishful thinking again, but unfortunately I still have the Skins winning this one.

DRK: Eagles

Rory: Redskins
Boy, the NFC East turned into a giant clusterfuck. It is going to be decided Week 17.

DP Animal: Eagles
Can’t wait for the cutaways to Daniel Synder’s luxury box as this is happening.

Phanatic: Redskins
I hate myself.

VIKINGS AT TEXANS (-7.5)
Stone: Texans
If they lose this one, I’d be very concerned about the Texans’ chances in the playoffs.

Slumdeezy: Texans

DRK: Vikings

Rory: Texans
Here’s hoping Adrian Peterson carries me to my fantasy football championship this weekend!

DP Animal: Texans

Phanatic: Vikings
They’ll cover with AP going after the record.

GIANTS (-2.5) AT RAVENS
Stone: Giants
Which team is the smaller mess?

Slumdeezy: Giants
Wish number 3. Call me Aladdin.

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Giants
Giants always get it up for the big games.

DP Animal: Ravens
Home dogs? Against a team that just lost 34-0?

Phanatic: Giants

49ERS (-1.5) AT SEAHAWKS
Stone: 49ers
Going to be an awesome atmosphere.

Slumdeezy: 49ers

DRK: Seahawks

Rory: Seahawks
Seattle at home with points against a team that’s already clinched a playoff spot? Sure!

DP Animal: Seahawks
I’m rather excited for this game.

Phanatic: Seahawks

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 52-38 (Last week: 3-3)
DP Animal: 48-42 (2-4)
Rory: 48-42 (5-1)
Slumdeezy: 44-46 (2-4)
DRK: 43-47 (2-4)
Phanatic: 43-47 (3-3)

Last week’s picks

My favorite game of the season is always the sketchy Bills home game at the Rogers Centre (nee SkyDome) in Toronto. It always seems to be relatively meaningless, but this year there’s actually a lot on the line. How lucky is it that the Seahawks, a team in the middle of a playoff chase, get to play in a dome instead of out in the bitter cold of Buffalo? Not only that but do the good people of Toronto actually like the Bills? They also just hosted the Grey Cup. I’m not sure that they’re going to be able to get it up so soon afterwards.

I asked my friend Naitch, who’s from Toronto, about the game. He said, “It’ll be a high-scoring shootout. If there were ever two teams to play at the Dome, it makes perfect sense, it’s Buffalo and Seattle.” More importantly, Naitch commented that the sketchiness factor will be “off the charts” and that Psy is performing at halftime. Not bad for a WEEK 15 game, but not as good as the time Alan Thicke christened the place or when William Hung sang “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” during a Jays game. Either way, it’s like Vince Lombardi used to say, “Nothing beats football played in front of ambivalent fans with a South Korean pop sensation performing at halftime.” The only thing that could make it better is if there were rouges. Picks time…

PACKERS (-3.5) AT BEARS
Stone: Packers
The Bears secretly haven’t done much this year.

Slumdeezy: Bears

DRK: Bears

Rory: Packers

DP Animal: Bears
Green Bay’s play remains inconsistent, and I can’t help feeling that the NFC North still has one or two more twists left in it.

Phanatic: Packers
The Packers are hot, the bears are not. Yes I made that rhyme I’m on 4 hours of sleep right now.

GIANTS AT FALCONS (-1.5)
Stone: Giants
Don’t pick against the Champs when people start counting them out.

Slumdeezy: Giants

DRK: Giants

Rory: Falcons

DP Animal: Giants
With the way Matt Ryan has been struggling recently, what exactly does Atlanta do well?

Phanatic: Falcons

VIKINGS AT RAMS (-3.5)
Stone: Vikings
Who thought this game would be so important?

Slumdeezy: Vikings

DRK: Vikings

Rory: Vikings

DP Animal: Rams
Neither team can move the ball much, so I’ll take the home team.

Phanatic: Vikings

BRONCOS (-3.5) AT RAVENS
Stone: Broncos
As a Giants fan, I just want to thank the Ravens for closing out Kirk Cousins and the Skins last week.

Slumdeezy: Ravens

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Broncos

DP Animal: Broncos

Phanatic: Ravens
Denver is coasting with the division locked up.

COLTS AT TEXANS (-8.5)
Stone: Colts
Will Chuck Pagano be at the game?

Slumdeezy: Colts

DRK: Colts

Rory: Texans

DP Animal: Texans
Yes, the Texans were bad in New England, but the Colts’ 9-4 record is built on the back of the kind of easy schedule you get the year after a 2-14 season.

Phanatic: Colts
Seems like the wrong spread after this past week.

49ERS AT PATRIOTS (-5.5)
Stone: Patriots
I have Tom Brady on my fantasy team.

Slumdeezy: 49ers

DRK: 49ers

Rory: Patriots

DP Animal: Patriots
Should be an interesting game, to say the least.

Phanatic: Patriots

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 49-35 (Last week: 3-3)
DP Animal: 46-38 (5-1)
Rory: 43-41 (4-2)
Slumdeezy: 42-42 (3-3)
DRK: 41-43 (4-1)
Phanatic: 40-44 (3-3)

Last week’s picks

Last week, I needed an Eagles cover against the Cowboys in the Sunday night game to win the weekly picks league I’m in with some friends. Although they kept the game close, Philly’s backups were gagging the game up in the 4th quarter. After the Iggs gave up a 50-yard fumble return TD, they were down 11 and looked dead to rights. But then, my hero Damaris Johnson ran back a punt for a score out of NOWHERE to put $150 in my wallet.

Did I deserve to win? Of course not, but you better fucking believe I loved it. In the context of the game, the punt return was a fairly independent play representative of nothing that had happened previous and it won me money. It put the Eagles in a better spot to win the game too but their only chance to get the win was an onsides kick and that failed. There is so much randomness and luck involved in all of this, it’s not even a joke. I know I’m not exactly breaking new ground here but don’t take the results of your picks too seriously. Unless you took Philly. Then, you’re a genius like me. Now enjoy these picks while I go spend my hard-earned winnings…

RAVENS AT REDSKINS (-2.5)
Stone: Ravens
The Skins have more gimmicks than Carrot Top.

Slumdeezy: Ravens

DRK: Redskins
Keith has done questionable things to a Raven whilst running on South Beach.

Rory: Redskins
Too many injuries for the Ravens, and you got to love the Redskins after last week.

DP Animal: Redskins

Phanatic: Redskins
This is a tough one. It’s sink or swim for RG3 after the performance against the Giants.

JETS (-2.5) AT JAGUARS
Stone: Jets
But seriously, if Revis didn’t get injured the Jets would be on the brink of the playoffs. Yes, the AFC is that bad.

Slumdeezy: Jets

DRK: Jaguars

Rory: Jets
The Jets tragedy will continue as they’ll finish 9-7 and not be able to justify firing anybody.

DP Animal: Jaguars
Can’t take the Jets on the road, giving points.

Phanatic: Jaguars
If only because they’re letting Sanchez back in there. The Jets are lucky it’s an away game. They are in a sad state if affairs.

COWBOYS AT BENGALS (-3.5)
Stone: Bengals
Where did the Bengals come from!?!?!?

Slumdeezy: Bengals

DRK: Cowboys

Rory: Bengals
I like the Bengals – I think they have a decent shot at the playoffs.

DP Animal: Bengals
The better team, at home.

Phanatic: Cowboys
It’s not time for them to choke yet.

SAINTS AT GIANTS (-4.5)
Stone: Saints
Don’t worry. I still got the Champs winning.

Slumdeezy: Giants
Figures to be a shootout. Not sure I got the right side of this but I expect a big margin of victory for whoever wins.

DRK: Giants

Rory: Giants
This is a must win.  I will be sorely disappointed if the Giants blow this game.

DP Animal: Giants
The NFC playoffs are going to be fascinating.

Phanatic: Saints

LIONS AT PACKERS (-6.5)
Stone: Packers

Slumdeezy: Packers
Cars are to insurance as Detroit is to Discount Double Check.

DRK: Packers
Matt Stafford is a bad actor,  but Aaron Rodgers strikes me as a bit of a dickbag sometimes (get over the height thing, guy).

Rory: Packers
I feel this line should be double digits – the Lions stink.

DP Animal: Packers
I wonder if Jim Schwartz will keep his job.

Phanatic: Packers

TEXANS AT PATRIOTS (-3.5)
Stone: Patriots

Slumdeezy: Texans
A Monday night game that will actually be awesome? Awesome.

DRK: Texans
Fuck you, Tom Brady.

Rory: Texans
I’ve picked all favorites, might as well pick an underdog, even if it is the best team in the league.

DP Animal: Patriots
The injuries in the Houston secondary will equal out the injuries to the Patriots receivers.

Phanatic: Patriots
Going with the home field on this one.

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 46-32 (Last week: 3-3)
DP Animal: 41-37 (3-3)
Rory: 39-39 (1-5)
Slumdeezy: 39-39 (1-5)
Phanatic: 37-41 (2-4)
DRK: 37-41 (4-2)

Last week’s picks

There’s been a lot of talk recently about all the Adderall suspensions in the NFL, and whether they’re even for Adderall. However, there’s another performance enhancer that we should be taking a HARD look at. This week, Brandon Marshall discussed the fact that he’s heard that some football players take Viagra to gain an edge. Despite the fact that it sounds fucking hilarious, high-altitude climbers have found benefits in taking Viagra and Roger Clemens was rumored to have taken many a blue pill during his later career. Doctors are skeptical that it’ll have any impact on the gridiron, but players will do anything to get a leg up.

I’d like to see if Viagra would work in the NFL, so here’s my idea. The Jets are always looking to get attention. Let’s dose all their Gatorade with a little Viagra. Best case, they turn into a somewhat competent squad. Worse case, the entire team runs around with huge boners for 60 minutes and the Post sets a record for most papers sold. The ladies will love it. I don’t see what could go wrong unless Mark Sanchez runs into his lineman’s ass again. Then all bets are off. Speaking of bets…

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS (-4.5)
Stone: Bears
I’m still holding my breath on a Giants-Bears Wild Card matchup.

Slumdeezy: Bears

DRK: Bears

Rory: Bears

DP Animal: Bears
The Seahawks have played an insanely difficult schedule so far. It gets a bit easier after this game, but it might be too late.

Phanatic: Bears
Going with the home-field major advantage in this one.

VIKINGS AT PACKERS (-8.5)
Stone: Packers
Not in Lambeau.

Slumdeezy: Vikings
Too wide a spread for this rivalry.

DRK: Packers

Rory: Vikings
Let’s give it up for those fantastic Wisconsinites! They sure have amazing taunts!

DP Animal: Packers
I have no idea what to think about this Packers team, but I do know they’re better than the Vikings.

Phanatic: Packers

COLTS AT LIONS (-5.5)
Stone: Colts
The Horseshoe needs this one more.

Slumdeezy: Colts

DRK: Colts

Rory: Colts
I don’t believe in the Lions at all.

DP Animal: Colts
I get the whole “Chuckstrong” thing, but this Colts team is almost entirely a product of a soft schedule.

Phanatic: Colts
My most favorite team at the moment.

PATRIOTS (-9.5) AT DOLPHINS
Stone: Dolphins
The Pats always struggle in Miami. I’m calling a shootout.

Slumdeezy: Patriots

DRK: Patriots

Rory: Patriots
I’m predicting a Patriots bloodbath. Bravery!

DP Animal: Patriots
It’s a lot of points to lay on the road, but I don’t see the Fins winning.

Phanatic: Patriots

BUCCANEERS AT BRONCOS (-7.5)
Stone: Buccaneers
The Bucs aren’t going to be under-the-radar for much longer.

Slumdeezy: Buccaneers

DRK: Broncos

Rory: Buccaneers
Hang tough, gentle Bucs!

DP Animal: Buccaneers

Phanatic: Broncos

GIANTS (-3.5) AT REDSKINS
Stone: Giants
The Gmen will be ready for RG3 the second time around.

Slumdeezy: Giants

DRK: Redskins

Rory: Giants
I can’t get a handle on Giants games.  I might be worse at picking them than I am at picking Cardinals games.

DP Animal: Redskins

Phanatic: Giants
They’re on their typical end of season run and no one is going to stop them now.

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 43-29 (Last week: 5-1)
Rory: 38-34 (3-3)
DP Animal: 38-34 (4-2)
Slumdeezy: 38-34 (4-2)
Phanatic: 35-37 (3-3)
DRK: 33-39 (3-3)

Last week’s picks

I don’t know whether it’s increasing parity, the loss of home-field advantage, or just the end of the world, but I really don’t have a grip on this season at all, highlighted by my awful Pats-Colts pick last week. I can’t imagine that anybody does. How many teams have we seen look like they have things figured out only to fuck it up at some point? I can think of the Cardinals, Giants, Bears, Ravens, Chargers, and Steelers right off the top of my head. And it’s not like traditionally strong teams like the Patriots and Packers have been world beaters either. The Texans and Falcons have the best records but have hardly been impressive.

There’s about 10 teams that could legitimately make the Super Bowl. In WEEK 12, that’s crazy and it doesn’t bode well when trying to make picks. So instead of trying to find a rhyme or reason for anything, I looked at the matchups and picked the first team that came into my head. That’s right. These picks were made with pure instinct. It’s how the cavemen survived and it’s how I hopefully hold off the suddenly creeping competitors of the Six-Pack Challenge. It’s time to go back to basics…

BILLS AT COLTS (-3.5)
Stone: Colts
Who would have thought that this game would have huge playoff implications?

Slumdeezy: Colts

DRK: Colts

Rory: Colts
I’m still a believer in Luck, even after that epic beatdown.

DP Animal: Colts

Phanatic: Colts

FALCONS (-1.5) AT BUCCANEERS
Stone: Falcons
The Falcons have to be the weakest 9-1 team in history.

Slumdeezy: Buccaneers

DRK: Falcons

Rory: Buccaneers

DP Animal: Falcons
I expect the offense to get back on track, if for no other reason than that Matt Ryan can’t keep throwing five interceptions a game.

Phanatic: Falcons
I’m surprised this line isn’t larger.

SEAHAWKS (-3.5) AT DOLPHINS
Stone: Dolphins
Let me know when the Hawks are back in Seattle.

Slumdeezy: Seahawks

DRK: Seahawks

Rory: Seahawks

DP Animal: Seahawks
This is the kind of game that will give us Seahawks fans a sense for just how good this team is. Normally, Seattle is terrible in early games on the East Coast, and the Dolphins are just good enough that they could cause problems. That said, this is the best Seahawks team since 2005, and what the hell, I believe!

Phanatic: Dolphins

RAVENS (-1.5) AT CHARGERS
Stone: Ravens
These two teams have a lot to prove.

Slumdeezy: Ravens

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Ravens
Seriously?  Chargers suck.

DP Animal: Ravens
I’ll take my chances against Norval.

Phanatic: Ravens

RAMS AT CARDINALS (-2.5)
Stone: Rams
Sorry, Rory’s girlfriend.

Slumdeezy: Cardinals

DRK: Cardinals

Rory: Cardinals
I swear, Keith keeps putting in Cardinals games to ruin my picks record.

DP Animal: Rams

Phanatic: Cardinals
Beanie Wells is the difference maker.

PACKERS AT GIANTS (-3.5)
Stone: Giants
Hopefully, the BYE week did the Champs a ton of good.

Slumdeezy: Giants

DRK: Giants

Rory: Packers
I think my Giants aren’t going to be happy this week.

DP Animal: Giants
As good as Aaron Rodgers is, his shaky offensive line and depleted wide receiver corps will let him down.

Phanatic: Packers
Gmen can’t keep up in a potential shootout.

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 38-28 (Last week: 3-3)
Rory: 35-31 (4-2)
DP Animal: 34-32 (3-3)
Slumdeezy: 34-32 (5-1)
Phanatic: 32-34 (4-2)
DRK: 30-36 (4-2)

Last week’s picks