A professor from Cornell named Jeffrey Hancock believes he can identify psychopathic killers based on speech patterns found in emails and texts. Hancock met with 56 killers in Canada (where the killers are more polite) and noticed some disturbing trends. Psychos talked in the past tense a lot, used fillers like “uh” and “um” as well as cause-and-effect words such as “because” and “so,” and focused on material needs. Ladies and gentlemen, I suspected this before but now it’s confirmed: I’m a psycho.
Seriously, how do these intellectuals keep getting funding for their inane studies. I haven’t seen anything so patently stupid since Ghostbusters. Under Hancock’s observations, about 90% of my friends are psychopathic killers. At a briefing he said, “Psychopaths talked a lot about what they ate that day [of the murder]. They talked about money more often.” There are people on Facebook who post pictures of every meal they eat. They’re not killers, they’re idiots.
Rainman Suite 