To [Blank], With Love

Posted: February 14, 2012 by Keith Stone in To [Blank] With Love
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Since it’s Valentine’s Day, what better time to send love letters to some of our favorite (and least favorite) people? I may or may not have stolen this concept from Mr. Craig Kilborn.

To Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, with love: Nobody pulls off the insane despot look better than you now that Khadafy and Kim Jong-Il are dead. You really scare the shit out of me. You deny the Holocaust happened and that Israel has the right to exist. No biggie. A lot of people hate the Jews. A lot of people don’t also have a nuclear arsenal at their disposal, though. But recently, you really went over the line. You stopped the sale of Barbie dolls in Iran, claiming they promoted Western values at the expense of Islamic culture. You can drop nukes wherever you want but don’t mess with the toys kids can play with. The Iran-approved dolls with long black veils just aren’t as fun. Every girl all over the world should have a slutty role model to follow.

To the Broadway Hat, with love: 2012 was finally supposed to be the Rangers’ year in New York. The Giants were struggling to make the playoffs while the Knicks had to endure a bitter lockout and sloppy play once the season resumed. All the while, the Rangers ran roughshod over the NHL, amassing a huge lead at the top of the Eastern Conference standings as you were passed from head to sweaty head. You know what happened next. Super Bowl XLinsanity Week erupted just as the Blueshirts beat the Flyers and Capitals back-to-back and you were once again buried in the tabloids. Take heart, my friend. New York loves a winner and the way things are looking, the city will be turning its attention to you real soon. Just wait a few months.

To Adele, with love: When you went on stage to accept your first GRAMMY, the first thing that popped into my head was, “Wow, Madonna put on a lot of weight.” When I realized it was you, the next thing I noticed was that you were smiling. I think I can speak for the rest of America when I say, “We like you sad, Adele.” That beautiful, soulful voice just doesn’t sound the same when there’s not pain behind it. Look what being happy did to Alanis Morissette’s career. Do whatever it takes. Buy your boyfriend a hooker. Poison your mom’s tea. Just don’t hit the studio until you’re miserable. Some people weren’t meant to be happy. Like Cleveland sports fans.

To the person on Facebook that posts about Valentine’s Day, with love: We all know it’s Valentine’s Day. We don’t need to see a picture of the flowers your boyfriend got you or be told how sad you are because you’re alone. And thanks for sharing your philosophy about love and romance. Didn’t you drop out of high school after junior year, Socrates? Valentine’s Day is just like every day of the year, except it’s been taken over by industrial conglomerates as part of a global conspiracy to make massive profits just as tax season begins. Hold on, that was good. I’m gonna use it as a status update.

To Jean-Claude Van Damme, with love: I know Europeans are generally a little behind the styles of the time, but even Steven Seagal wouldn’t be caught dead in public looking like this. I guess it’s for an upcoming movie role. I just didn’t think that To Catch A Predator: The Movie would be filming so soon after the whole Penn State incident. The camo shorts haven’t been in style since you wore them in the Street Fighter movie. Lose the ‘stache, universal soldier.

To Coach Coughlin, with love: I would do anything to win the Super Bowl. In fact, I’ve been known to sit in the same position for hours when my team is playing well until my limbs go numb. But I always change my underwear. You have to have clean drawers, Coach. You think Eli is going to want to come close to discuss the next play with stank ass in the air? It’s a good thing it rained in San Fran and you got a chance to wash those bad boys. Otherwise, the Super Bowl would have been a disaster. Why do you think Andy Reid is such a failure? He hasn’t been able to reach his underwear in years. Make sure to change up your so-and-sos for the next playoff run.

To Tina Cafarelli, with love: I get it, Tina. There’s nothing cooler than bringing your used cans back to the supermarket for the nickel deposit while the machine crushes them. I used to love doing it as a kid. The real trick is making sure the cans aren’t full and that you didn’t steal them. So the next time you pilfer somebody’s welfare card, don’t buy $64 worth of soda cans and immediately put them into the redemption machine. Supermarket managers tend to get cranky when soda gets all in their machines. You might also find that the $10.80 you were going to receive for recycling the cans is significantly less than $64. It might, in fact, behoove you to actually buy groceries with a stolen welfare card. Then again, the sound the machine made with a can full of soda must have been awesome. Don’t worry. I’m sure this isn’t the first time something like this happened in Boston.

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