So it’s probably pretty obvious right now to all the loyal Suiters that I wasn’t actually burned out on the Knicks, but in Pakistan undertaking a combat mission against Osama bin Laden. Contrary to reports, it was actually a solo operation. I even flew the helicopter. It’s classified so I really can’t talk about it. I’ve already said too much. Suffice it to say, I’m back, reinvigorated, and here to stay with all the snarky comments, chicks in thongs, and wrestling references that you can handle.
I don’t think of it as celebrating a person’s death. That’s a bit morbid. I think of it as celebrating a severe blow to an organization that will do anything to take away our freedom as Americans. If I want to go to the grocery store in my pajamas, I’m gonna do it. If I want to criticize the government, I’m gonna do it. And if Candice Swanepoel wants to chill with me poolside naked and let me eat all her food, then dammit, let her do it. That’s what America is all about. So go out there and do something fun today.
In a close second to the news of bin Laden’s death, 
Dustin on the Real World had his gay porn secret revealed. He did not handle it well. The homophobic slurs a few hours before probably didn’t help. Poor Mike Mike just wanted to ride the gondola together. Dustin almost managed to turn things back on his girl Heather, but luckily she didn’t go to the Sammi Sweetheart School of Taking Back Your Lying Boyfriend. I get that the kid was confused and needed a few extra bucks after high school, but you gotta tell your girl. And, you know, maybe stop with the homophobic stuff…since you sucked a guy off on camera. At least he got a nice trip to Australia out of it.
The NFL lockout was lifted (YES!) and then quickly reinforced a few days later (FUCK!). Luckily, we did get to see the comedy of football players being turned away from their team’s training facilities. The draft was held and the Giants filled their greatest need: shaman. With the 19th pick, the Gmen selected Nebraska CB Prince Amukamara, who is descended of Nigerian royalty and brought nearly his entire village up on stage with him. I can’t wait till the Prince makes Eli Manning sacrifice a live chicken during training camp.
The royal wedding was Friday. Spoiler alert: they said yes. Princess Bikini looked good, but I don’t understand the hype. Weddings are bad enough. Why would anyone want to watch one if they don’t know the people and they’ve never done anything of note? Plus, you can barely understand half the words those Brits are saying. What’s a lift? Ooooooh, the pomp, the elegance. Shut up. The only reason I was watching was for little sister, Pippa. That’s the girl I need to get with. She’s like her big sis but with titties. You’d get all the fame and riches and none of the responsibility. I’d love telling my buddies, “Hey, I can’t watch football this weekend. The girl and I are chilling at St. Andrew’s with the King of England.” I’d make a move for that little minx Chelsy Davy, but I’m sure James Bond would show up at my door.
Ron Artest won the NBA’s Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award for raising awareness and money for people with mental-health issues. This comes nearly seven years after knocking out fat white fans in Detroit. Apparently, the Pro Basketball Writers’ Association, which votes for the award, is trying to punk David Stern. Artest went on thank his mom, his record label, his psychiatrist, his barber, and the guy who washes his car.
But of course, President Obama had the best week of all for winning his feud with Donald Trump. Not only did he finally release his long-form birth certificate to the public (because the short-form wasn’t good enough) but he laid a verbal beatdown on Trump at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It was like Obama turned into The Rock or something, making fun of Trump for having to decide whether to fire Gary Busey or Meat Loaf. And Trump just sat there, taking it like a bitch. Much better than Donald Trump’s actual roast. And then 24 hours later, Obama fired the biggest shot from the White House since Bill Clinton was getting BJ’s in the Oval Office. Lady Liberty, you truly are the hottest chick of all.
Rainman Suite 