Archive for the ‘U!S!A!’ Category

Facebook Is Unamerican

Posted: October 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in Courtney Stodden, Facebook, U!S!A!

Child bride and Suite favorite Courtney Stodden is just like any other 17-year-old. She enjoys the newfound freedoms of earning her driver’s license, takes care of her creepy pedophile husband, and posts sexy pictures of herself on Facebook. Until recently. Our girl Court was banned from Facebook for “inappropriate sexual content.” Facebook exists pretty much solely FOR inappropriate sexual content, Zuck. This could be the start of a disturbing trend. Now all the other little high school sluts are going to get banned, and then I won’t have any to do while I’m procrastinating from writing posts. This isn’t Communist Sweden. If whores want to post pics of themselves with their boobs out or making out with each other, then I say God bless ’em. George Washington sacrificed his life so Courtney Stodden could exercise her First Amendment rights. Forget Occupy Wall Street, we need to Occupy Facebook. Hit the music…

Us Weekly

Classic Video of the Week: Francis Scott Off-Key

Posted: September 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in U!S!A!, videos

This has to be up there with the worst National Anthems of all-time, if only because this lady fucks it up twice. Maybe she’s got the jitters or whatever, but you can’t go out there without practicing the words until you know them inside and out. And then, when she comes back the lyrics written down, YOU CANNOT SLIP ON THE ICE! Yeah, it’s hard to walk on the ice with shoes but if you mess up the Anthem, you better be careful when you’re coming out to do it the second time. She needs to take ice skating lessons from Rocky Balboa.

An Indiana federal judge ruled this week that sluts have a Constitutional right to post whorish pictures of themselves out-of-school without fear of discipline after two girls were suspended for posting pictures of themselves giving BJ’s to some lucky lollipops. This is the most important court case since Roe v. Wade, Brown v. Board of Ed, or even Brady v. NFL.

If high school chicks want to be flashing their thongs and their titties, they have every right to. And I have every right to look at them. This isn’t communist Sweden. This is America, the greatest country on Earth! What do you think Thomas Jefferson meant by “pursuit of happiness?” The American legal system protects the freedoms of the voiceless yet again!


Shut Up, Lupica

Posted: August 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in Mike Lupica, U!S!A!

Stick to writing about sports. And this has been another installment of Shut Up, Lupica.

Standard & Poor’s downgraded United States long-term debt on Friday from its highest rating, AAA, to AA+. This basically tells investors that if you invest in treasury bonds the chance of receiving the money owed to you is only very good instead of nearly infallible. You can’t deny that the economy is a mess and a lot of people are responsible.

The government has spent more money than we have and politicians can’t agree on how to fix it, if there even is a viable solution. Rich people don’t want to be taxed more even at the expense of programs that help the less fortunate.

Even ordinary Americans would rather buy that new Louis Vuitton bag or pair of Oakley shades than save their money. In short, everything is screwed because we only think for themselves instead of others and the good of the country.

Everything culminated in Standard & Poor’s decision to downgrade. Interest rates will go up and 401(k) plans will go down. My question is: where was S&P in 2008? They totally missed the mortgage-security crisis.

When everything was as worthless as a Miami Heat 2011 NBA Champions t-shirt, S&P kept ratings high. Now they decide to downgrade? Like we should really trust them now. How about helping the people that invested in junk when S&P said it was a sure thing?

S&P, baby, welcome to the party. The economy isn’t doing well. I’m glad you finally figured it out. You should be renamed the Capt. Obvious Corporation. Do you think Charlie Sheen might have a drug problem? Maybe we should have paid you off like all those mortgage companies did. Why are you being such a vigilant watchdog asshole now? If anything, you’re just going to make it harder for the U.S. to dig out of its hole.

America is the greatest country in the world and for that reason our debt should always be AAAAA+++++. How can anyone bet against the good old U.S. of A.? We beat the British when nobody believed in us, and dammit, we’re going to beat this deficit. All of us are Americans and we all need to look out for one another. As Hulk Hogan as my witness, I personally guarantee all American debt and a Keith Stone guarantee is ironclad. Now, mothafucker, raise that rating. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Trivia Time: America Edition

Posted: July 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in trivia, U!S!A!

America turned 235 years old this week. The Declaration of Independence was adopted on July 4th, 1776 and told King George III to go shove it. More specifically, it outlined the rights that the Continental Congress believed were universal for all men (white men) including life, liberty, and te pursuit of happiness. That brings us to our Question of the Week. It’s a doozy. Get it right and I won’t send you back to England. The answer as always is after the jump.

Whose signature appears last on the Declaration of Independence? (and a hint: it is not Benedict Arnold’s)


Originally posted May 2,2011. It just seemed appropriate today.

I feel like the terrorists would hate this, so let’s make sure that they know what the greatest country in the world is again. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!


Posted: July 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in Independence Day, U!S!A!

It’s the Fourth of July, which means it’s time to watch The Twilight Zone and celebrate the 15th anniversary of Will Smith, Jeff Goldblum, Randy Quaid, and President Bill Pullman saving the world. Seriously, how great of a country is this? If I was in China, I’d be arrested by now. It’s not perfect but it’s still fucking awesome. I can do whatever I want. I can dance around in the middle of Central Park wearing a speedo while accusing the President of war crimes or I can drink beer, watch Bill Shatner fight a gremlin, and post pics of hot chicks on a website. It’s what Randy Quaid sacrificed his life for. Best country in the world. Let’s all be good to each other and keep it that way.

Riker’s Island has instituted a new dress code for visitors due to an overabundance of tits and ass. Instead of normal hoochie gear, guests may be asked to wear giant smocks to cover up and promote a more family-friendly environment. There’s nothing more family-friendly than spending time with rapists and robbers. Most of these guys aren’t getting any action besides the gimpy guy in the cell across the way, why not let them see a little skin? Ja Rule has had a tough couple of years anyway. This is insult to injury.

I’m sure there’s better things that money could be spent on than smocks when Tawny comes to visit. Maybe spend more on kids so they don’t turn into criminals. The Eight Ammendment of the Constitution prohibits cruel and unusual punishment and that is exactly what is taking place here. It is every man’s inalienable right to see their woman’s boobies jiggle. So if Roxxy comes to visit and her thong is hanging out, don’t make her put on a smock. It’s the American way.


Happy Memorial Day

Posted: May 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in Memorial Day, U!S!A!

Everyone have a great Memorial Day. Don’t forget we live in the Greatest Country in the World and make sure to thank any servicemen in your life. Now go out there and eat some burgers, drink some beer, and work on your tan. Keep up the good work, America!