Archive for the ‘sluts’ Category

Why Wasn’t I Invited To Slutwalk NY?

Posted: October 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, New York, sluts
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“We are souls not holes”

Based on the success of the Toronto Slutwalk, organizers brought the event to New York for the first time over the weekend. For some reason, despite being the biggest supporter of chicks dressing like whores, I was not invited. Looks like most of the girls there were fat and ugly anyway. There have been 10 rapes in Brooklyn recently. It is so much of an issue that the NYPD recommended that ladies in the area dress down a bit. Now, they’re protesting their right to dress like sluts. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that chicks go irrationally insane when you tell them that you don’t like what they’re wearing. The NYPD really should have known better.

Look, ladies, all guys love it when you look like you’re about to film a scene with the Bang Bros. You got your titties popping out and some ass cheekage coming out of the bottom of your skirt. It’s a good look and it got Tara Reid far in life. The problem is that not every guy is a gentleman like Keith Stone. Keith Stone sees a slut, buys her a shot of Jack, and tries to pull her into the bathroom. Class. However, a guy fresh out of Rikers sees a tramp stamp at 3 in the morning in a dark neighborhood and all bets are off. Do yourself a favor, girls, and listen to the cops. Here’s a solution that works. Bring a change of clothes to the club. If you’re going home alone, change over to your librarian gear and you’ll never get raped. It’s like the reverse Superman.

That brings me to an very important question: why do girls like dressing like sluts but hate the attention they get for doing so? I have friendgirls that complain that they get hit on so much and it’s like, “It’s because you’re hot and you have an inch of fabric covering your ass.” Girls like to look sexy for the sake of it, but then are outraged by the end result. There’s always hot chicks at my gym stretching in yoga pants and the second I look over to stare at their ass, I get the dirtiest look like I’m trying to microwave a baby. If you’re wearing yoga pants, I WILL STARE AT YOUR ASS. Wear sweatpants if you have a problem with it. Preferably something that doesn’t have a word printed on the ass.

Huffington Post

King of All Pimps Blames Legal Woes On Billy Ray Cyrus

Posted: September 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in Billy Ray Cyrus, crime and punishment, Jason Itzler, sluts
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The “King of All Pimps” Jason Itzler was recently arrested again for, well, being a pimp. In court, he blamed the mess on one man: Billy Ray Cyrus. Who else? Itzler told the judge, “I sent a companion, a non-sexual companion — a baby sitter, not a prostitute — to Billy Ray Cyrus, who was staying at the Trump International Hotel…They decided in front of me to get and use heroin for the first time in their life. He wanted to die!”

The King believes he was only arrested because Disney wanted to keep everything clean. Billy Ray is, of course, Miley’s dad. Needless to say, the court and prosecutors were not impressed, especially since the john was only a man who looked like Billy Ray Cyrus. Good effort, though. There’s nothing like the old Billy Ray Cyrus excuse to bail you out of trouble. Credit card bill overdue? Can’t pay it, Billy Ray Cyrus stole my money to buy heroin. Public intoxication? I’m so stressed out about my friend Billy Ray Cyrus doing heroin. And so on.

NY Post

The Constitution Protects Slutty High School Girls

Posted: August 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, sluts, U!S!A!
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An Indiana federal judge ruled this week that sluts have a Constitutional right to post whorish pictures of themselves out-of-school without fear of discipline after two girls were suspended for posting pictures of themselves giving BJ’s to some lucky lollipops. This is the most important court case since Roe v. Wade, Brown v. Board of Ed, or even Brady v. NFL.

If high school chicks want to be flashing their thongs and their titties, they have every right to. And I have every right to look at them. This isn’t communist Sweden. This is America, the greatest country on Earth! What do you think Thomas Jefferson meant by “pursuit of happiness?” The American legal system protects the freedoms of the voiceless yet again!

Newser

>Slut Walk 2011

Posted: April 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in Canada, chicks, sluts
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In what can only be described as a watershed moment for women’s rights, an enterprising group of young ladies held a special event in Toronto on Sunday called the Slut Walk. It was in protest of recent comments made by Police Constable Michael Sanguinetti at York University, in which he said that women should “avoid dressing like sluts” if they don’t want to be raped. The event drew 3,000 people and was almost as funny as watching as chicks make the walk of shame the day after Halloween. Man, those are some ugly sluts. I’d much rather see the Ho Train in Vancouver.

Unfortunately, it looks like the weather wasn’t so great and most participants left their miniskirts and lucite heels at home. Good rule of thumb: if you’re going to have a Slut Walk, don’t do it in Toronto in April. The Keith Stone Slut Walk will be held the first weekend of summer in South Beach. I have to say that the cop does have a point, though. I hate it when I’m at a bar and I’m standing next to a chick with her tits hanging out and she looks at me with disgust if I check her out for more than three seconds. Like I forced her to wear that kids’ size tanktop and all that makeup. If you don’t want me staring at you, wear mom jeans. Otherwise, stop being a bitch and show me that ass.

Toronto Globe and Mail