Archive for the ‘chicks’ Category

Chicks of A Feather…

Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in chicks
Tags: ,

Ever want to fuck a Muppet? I know I have! Apparently, the new trend among the ladies is to get waxed and have a “pubic wig” made of wacky-colored fox fur installed down there. Of course, it costs $225. I know chicks generally like to blow their money on idiotic things like designer handbags and shoes, but this might be a new low. What guy is going to going to want to see Liberace’s quill above their girl’s box when they’re getting ready to bang? It’s already bad enough going downtown, now we have to worry about feathers. Good rule of thumb: keep it clean, ladies.


Romance Is Still Alive

Posted: November 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, romance

On the heels of the Kardashian divorce, it would seem like true love is impossible to find nowadays, but luckily there are people out there out to prove that it’s not. First, you have Brittany Hillard. Her boyfriend, Cameron, surprised her with a birthday party. How sweet. And then, BAM! Marriage proposal. Bitch goes down. Hard. That’s love, baby. It hurts.

Down in Houston, Ashley just got married and is in the middle of a very sweet moment: the father-daughter dance. All of a sudden, it’s booty-shaking galore. That’s how you celebrate giving your daughter away, by dirty dancing with her. If things don’t work out with her new husband, I guess Ashley always has Pops. Looks like love isn’t dead in America after all.

Why Wasn’t I Invited To Slutwalk NY?

Posted: October 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, New York, sluts

“We are souls not holes”

Based on the success of the Toronto Slutwalk, organizers brought the event to New York for the first time over the weekend. For some reason, despite being the biggest supporter of chicks dressing like whores, I was not invited. Looks like most of the girls there were fat and ugly anyway. There have been 10 rapes in Brooklyn recently. It is so much of an issue that the NYPD recommended that ladies in the area dress down a bit. Now, they’re protesting their right to dress like sluts. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that chicks go irrationally insane when you tell them that you don’t like what they’re wearing. The NYPD really should have known better.

Look, ladies, all guys love it when you look like you’re about to film a scene with the Bang Bros. You got your titties popping out and some ass cheekage coming out of the bottom of your skirt. It’s a good look and it got Tara Reid far in life. The problem is that not every guy is a gentleman like Keith Stone. Keith Stone sees a slut, buys her a shot of Jack, and tries to pull her into the bathroom. Class. However, a guy fresh out of Rikers sees a tramp stamp at 3 in the morning in a dark neighborhood and all bets are off. Do yourself a favor, girls, and listen to the cops. Here’s a solution that works. Bring a change of clothes to the club. If you’re going home alone, change over to your librarian gear and you’ll never get raped. It’s like the reverse Superman.

That brings me to an very important question: why do girls like dressing like sluts but hate the attention they get for doing so? I have friendgirls that complain that they get hit on so much and it’s like, “It’s because you’re hot and you have an inch of fabric covering your ass.” Girls like to look sexy for the sake of it, but then are outraged by the end result. There’s always hot chicks at my gym stretching in yoga pants and the second I look over to stare at their ass, I get the dirtiest look like I’m trying to microwave a baby. If you’re wearing yoga pants, I WILL STARE AT YOUR ASS. Wear sweatpants if you have a problem with it. Preferably something that doesn’t have a word printed on the ass.

Huffington Post

A new book came out yesterday called Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life With John F. Kennedy, in which the former first lady shares her innermost thoughts from a never-before-heard interview in 1964. And boy, does she have a lot to say. She worries about “emotional” women getting into politics (and hooking up with college basketball players?) and disses everyone from Martin Luther King, Jr. to Lyndon Johnson.

Apparently, Jackie and MLK had a bigger beef than Biggie and Tupac stemming from the King making comments about JFK’s funeral that Jackie heard on a government wiretap. Among others, Jackie also called Charles de Gaulle an “egomaniac” and “spiteful man” and Indira Gandhi a “horrible woman.” She saved her worst for Adlai Stevenson by saying, “I always thought women who were scared of sex loved Adlai.” Come on, Jackie! Adlai doesn’t deserve that, whoever he is. It’s not like women who loved sex loved JFK. Oh, wait.

Huffington Post

You Know How I Know You’re Gay?

Posted: September 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, Richard Simmons

She Is Not Got Going To End Well

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, the kids

If I say it, I’d get sent to jail but you know what I’m thinking.

Let Them Babies Breathe

Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in bOObs, chicks

I’m a feminist. I think women should be treated equally to men. If they want to play football, let them play football (in lingerie). If they want to let their boobies hang out, then why the fuck shouldn’t they be able to? (great website but NSFW) organized a series of protests around the country to argue that point two weekends ago. Then this weekend in Asheville, North Carolina, two obviously fascist former elected officials held a protest to protest the original protest. You with me here?

You’re thinking this is where freedom dies, right? In the name of liberty, two bastions of justice showed up at the anti-toplessness rally and bared their lovely and supple breasts to the crowd. Twenty-one year-old Molly Sarah Rosch took it a step further and took her pants off before she was arrested by the KGB, but I say she’s a hero. She’s like Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, and Jenna Jameson all wrapped into one.


Larry David Is A Pimp

Posted: August 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, Larry David

What a week for Larry David. He was in the first row at the Yanks-Sox game next to the legendary Woody Harrelson and was so captivating as he held court with the fans around him that Michael Kay and David Cone talked about him on the broadcast for like 10 minutes. Larry David got significant airtime during a Yanks-Sox game! Who else could pull that off?

Earlier in the week, L.D. was at a Rolling Stone party and shot down Miss New York while they were waiting in line for the elevator. Chicks love it when you shoot them down. They were probably banging on the way up to the rooftop. Larry then apparently had a gaggle of hotties calling for him at the party. You’d never think an old bald guy would get that much action but Larry has a way of making people feel like shit and if there’s one thing I know it’s that GIRLS LOVE TO BE MADE TO FEEL LIKE SHIT. It also probably doesn’t hurt that he has millions of dollars in the bank.

NY Daily News

Mason Chibnick, Man’s Man

Posted: August 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, crime and punishment, Man's Man

Deputy Mason Chibnick was transferred from his job at the all-female Paul Rein Detention Facility in Pompano, FL for fostering what is being called an “orgy-like atmosphere” at the prison. From everything I’ve ever seen about women’s prisons, this is nothing unusual. In fact, I say Dep. Chibnick was not only doing his job but should be honored for doing it very well.

Of course he was watching the inmates performing sex acts on each other. He’s a prison guard. He’s supposed to watch them! It would be a crime against humanity to prevent these lovely ladies from expressing their newfound love for one another with some hot lesbian action.

So what he contacted an inmate after she was released and texted her a picture of his penis next to a toothbrush? That’s a classy move. Dep. Chibnick isn’t just concerned with his inmates when they’re locked up. He wants to make sure they acclimate back to society and maintain proper dental health. Nine out of 10 dentists would agree that Dep. Chibnick, you are a man’s man.

Sun Sentinel

This is the biggest week in women’s soccer history. Women’s sports history, in fact. You already know the story of Nives Celsius, courageous trailblazer who is suiting up for the Croatian men’s team Slaven Belupo tonight. However, some say that pales in comparison to the heartwarming sacrifice Larissa Riquelme is willing to undertake for her beloved Paraguayan national team. If Paraguay beats Uruguay in Sunday’s Copa America Final, Larissa has promised to run naked through the streets of the capital city (Paraguay City, I think). And by the looks of it, that girl ate her rice and beans as a child. Now I only need to learn how to chant “Paraguay.” I wish more chicks in New York had Larissa’s passion. The Yanks would make sure they never wore clothes. I salute these two brave young sportswomen and heroes. They are everything that Title IX stands for.

These are two sexy soccer bitches but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include more pics of Larissa Riquelme:

Metro UK