Archive for the ‘soccer’ Category

Now Introducing…Drunk Ref

Posted: November 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in booze, refs, soccer

Soccer is boring. It takes a beer or eight just to be able to get through a game. That’s exactly what Tomas Fidra was thinking when he went to his buddy’s birthday party before the Jestrabi Lhota and Tynec-nad-Labem Czech league game. There was only one problem. Fidra was the referee. The players were a bit curious of his condition before the game since he reeked of alcohol and kept talking about the party he just left. Falling over several times didn’t help either.

Now referees generally aren’t the brightest creatures so it’s possible he just kept tripping on his shoelaces. However, when some of the Jestrabi players went to check on him, Drunk Ref red carded three of them, ejecting them from the contest. This confirmed everyone’s suspicions and the two sides decided not to attack aggressively for the rest of the game, which ended in a 1-1 tie. Luckily, league officials say the match will be replayed in its entirety soon. When given a breathalyzer by local police after the game, Drunk Ref blew nine times over the legal limit and now faces a year-long ban from officiating. He’s still gotta be better than Dick Bavetta, though, right?


Jabroni of the Week: Pitso Mosimane

Posted: October 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Pitso Mosimane, soccer

In sports, sometimes it’s not all about winning and losing. With a trip to the 2012 Africa Cup of Nations seemingly assured with a tie, South African men’s national soccer team head coach, Pitso Mosimane, drew up a conservative game plan for his squad’s match with Sierra Leone. The plan worked, the game ended in a 0-0 draw, and the South Africans jubilantly danced on the field in celebration while the home crowd cheered them on. South African TV proudly announced that the team had advanced as the South African soccer federation’s president congratulated the team on the air. Unfortunately for Coach Pitso and everyone involved, he didn’t read the tiebreaking procedures as carefully as he should have and Niger (RACIST!) qualified for the tournament based on head-to-head results.

This is an all-time boneheaded move. This is Derek Harper dribbling out the clock against the Lakers in the ’84 Playoffs (4:00 mark) even though the game was tied. We see this all the time, though. It’s bad karma not to go all out whether it’s playoff-bound football teams resting guys in WEEK 17 or South Africa playing keep away against Sierra Leone. Didn’t South Africa just host the World Cup? Shouldn’t the coach or somebody within their soccer foundation know how the tiebreakers work?

Pitso, baby, it’s a tough break. I’m sure you’re a nice guy and all, just not too bright. I mean, just look how confused you look in your picture. You had that look in about 75% of the links on Google Images when I searched your name. You didn’t just cost your team a shot at the most prestigious soccer tournament in Africa, but you made the entire country go bonkers for no reason.

I saw the movie Invictus. South Africa needs athletic success or it will have a massive race crisis. You could have sent your country back 30 years. Now Nelson Mandela is probably going back to jail and apartheid may come back too. All because you didn’t score a goal against Sierra Leone. Next time, read the rules or ask somebody to help you out. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.


Get This Guy A Towel

Posted: September 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in perspiration, soccer

Walter Pandiani is a soccer player for RCD Espanyol in Spain. During a recent press conference, it looks like they may have turned the spotlights up a little too high. There’s no way this guy would survive New York. Don’t watch the entire video (it’s in Spanish) but keep clicking ahead. It’s fun—like a flip book.

Rainman Suite fan favorite Nives Celsius started off her soccer career in style, helping Slaven Belupo shut out powerhouse Zagreb 1-0 to move into first place in the Croatian First League. OK, I’ll be honest, my Croatian is a little rusty and I couldn’t find an English recap of the game so I don’t know if Nives played at all. However in my mind, she played a wonderful game making defiant runs and deft passes in booty shorts and will continue to lead the team to glory. I’ll continue to provide regular updates on Nives’s burgeoning soccer career all season. Who needs basketball? Only 29 more games to the title, baby!

This is the biggest week in women’s soccer history. Women’s sports history, in fact. You already know the story of Nives Celsius, courageous trailblazer who is suiting up for the Croatian men’s team Slaven Belupo tonight. However, some say that pales in comparison to the heartwarming sacrifice Larissa Riquelme is willing to undertake for her beloved Paraguayan national team. If Paraguay beats Uruguay in Sunday’s Copa America Final, Larissa has promised to run naked through the streets of the capital city (Paraguay City, I think). And by the looks of it, that girl ate her rice and beans as a child. Now I only need to learn how to chant “Paraguay.” I wish more chicks in New York had Larissa’s passion. The Yanks would make sure they never wore clothes. I salute these two brave young sportswomen and heroes. They are everything that Title IX stands for.

These are two sexy soccer bitches but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include more pics of Larissa Riquelme:

Metro UK

Croatian soccer team Slaven Belupo has an interesting strategy heading into the upcoming season. Coming off a 7th place finish and 10-10-10 record (symmetry!), they have decided to sign Nives Celsius (or Celzijus if you like Cyrillic) whose claim to fame is being the wife, yes wife, of Croat star Dino Drpic and bragging about fucking on the field before a game. Nives also may have invented the Celsius scale because she is hot. Slaven has announced that she will not start but will see playing time this Friday against Zagreb FC. It may not translate into wins for Slaven unless she can distract her opponents, but I still see this as a greater achievement for women’s sports than the WNBA. Maybe a shitty team like the Timberwolves should pull a stunt like this and sign Brooklyn Decker.

Croatian Times

United Arab Emirates national soccer team member Theyab Awana made an sweet reverse penalty kick in a friendly against Lebanon on Sunday. It’s too bad the U.S. Women didn’t try the move out. Sure, it wasn’t sportsmanlike since his team was up 5-2 but Awana probably hooked up with at least 40 virgins after the game. Knowing the way it works out in the Middle East, though, maybe this is the last thing we need. In fact, if I remember my history right, the entire Israeli-Palestinian conflict dates back to a soccer game played in 1948. Horrible effort by the goalie as well. Lieutenant Dan could’ve stopped that shot. When World War III starts, I’m blaming him.

Trivia Time: Women’s World Cup Edition

Posted: July 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in soccer, trivia

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s hype. Hey, we haven’t thought about swimming for four years but let’s all go crazy for Michael Phelps. Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. The Women’s World Cup wasn’t that bad, but it was close. At least, Hope Solo was hot. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and Abby Wambach won’t head you in the balls. This should be an easy one since everybody is such a Women’s World Cup expert now. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

Who won the 2007 Women’s World Cup? (and a hint: it was not North Korea)


Is This A Boy Or A Girl? [NSFW?]

Posted: July 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in bOObs, soccer

I was at the beach yesterday so I didn’t get to watch the Women’s World Cup Finals. When I was watching the highlights on ESPNEWS, they showed a crowd reaction shot where somebody lifted their shirt and their goodness was blurred out. I’m a big fan of nationally-televised boobies so I went on a quest to find them. Thanks to the miracle of technology and YouTube, I found the uncensored crowd reaction shot but I have to say I’m not quite sure what’s going on here. I haven’t been this befuddled since the Thai hookers in The Hangover 2. Leave it to the biggest event in women’s sports to have a moment of gender confusion like this. And yes, when Carmelo hits his first game winner at the buzzer this season, I’m taking my shirt off.

Normally I wouldn’t touch the Women’s World Cup with a 10-foot pole. Have they even had one since 1999? Then, I noticed on SportsCenter that the American goalie is pretty hot. That’s all you need to get me on board. The U.S. is playing Brazil on Sunday. Apparently, Brazil is good at soccer but if one person can stop them, it’s Hope Solo. Solo is 5’9″ and has got some nice muscles (for a girl). She’s also had some disciplinary problems with her coaches in the past. Gotta love the bad girls. She can touch my balls with her hands anytime. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!