Archive for the ‘Who Ya Got?’ Category

There couldn’t be two more different people in the world than Don Mattingly and Dennis Rodman. Donnie Baseball was a down-to-earth grinder whose well-rounded game could never get him over the hump. The Worm got by on his natural ability to get rebounds but squandered a bunch of his talent with his antics. He also wore a wedding dress to a book signing. But Rodzilla isn’t the only guy who can do it like RuPaul. Mattingly donned a wig, makeup, and a very large dress as Mother Ginger in his hometown Evansville, Indiana’s production of The Nutcracker. Mattingly figured it was all in good fun. It’s just a good thing he’s shaved the ‘stache.

Not to be outdone, Rodman got a bit made up himself for a recent NBA legends game in Macau, China. Yes, he played the entire game looking like a bloated Disney character. I’m sure Larry Johnson enjoyed getting paint all over himself every time he went up for a rebound and had to box out Avatar‘s worst nightmare.

These are two legends that aren’t afraid to get freaky, but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?


Big Lead

Deadspin

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The past week has been big for New York GM’s. At an announcement in Philadelphia for the upcoming Winter Classic between the Rangers and Flyers, Glen Sather was a one-man show. Doing his best to to channel Gary Peyton and Miss Cleo, he declared that not only would the Blueshirts win the Winter Classic, but would win the Stanley Cup. To rub it in Philly’s fat craw even more, he also threw in that the Yankees would win the World Series. In case you’re keeping track at home, this is the first ever cross-sports Title guarantee. I loved it but next time, how about a little love for the G-Men?


Over in the Bronx, Brian Cashman revealed that although he wined and dined Carl Crawford in the offseason, he had no desire to sign the outfielder. He was just driving his price up for the Red Sox. Cashman said, “Everybody kept writing Crawford, Crawford, Crawford, Crawford. And I was like, ‘I feel like we’ve got Carl Crawford in Brett Gardner, except he costs more than $100 million less.” The Sox eventually signed the .255 hitter for the GDP of a mid-size nation. That’s real moneyball, people. Then, although I cannot confirm this, I like to think he was the one that leaked the news to TMZ that John Lackey was getting a divorce from his cancer-stricken wife. Who does he think he is, Larry David? Lackey received a text message from a member of the media before his start in a losing effort, which doesn’t look like it helped in Boston’s last gasp for the playoffs. It was all Brian Cashman! He has proven how devious he can be!

These are two scheming, genius General Managers, but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

My sister gave me a sweet new HDTV so I headed over to Verizon (FiOS FTW) to get an HDMI wire. When I got there, the store was surrounded by people in red shirts with signs who were chanting anti-Verizon slogans. Apparently, Verizon workers were on strike. As I approached the store, I got booed like I was Queen James at the Garden.

Luckily, boos fuel me like gasoline and I got my wire from some friendly scabs. I had to endure some more taunting but I managed to wave at everybody as I headed home to watch Jersey Shore in HD. I honestly felt bad about the whole ordeal. I considered showing solidarity and leaving but I fucking wanted to watch some high-definition TV. Should I really have to continue to use my shitty old set?

These are two enormous entities in the world of entertainment, but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

This is the biggest week in women’s soccer history. Women’s sports history, in fact. You already know the story of Nives Celsius, courageous trailblazer who is suiting up for the Croatian men’s team Slaven Belupo tonight. However, some say that pales in comparison to the heartwarming sacrifice Larissa Riquelme is willing to undertake for her beloved Paraguayan national team. If Paraguay beats Uruguay in Sunday’s Copa America Final, Larissa has promised to run naked through the streets of the capital city (Paraguay City, I think). And by the looks of it, that girl ate her rice and beans as a child. Now I only need to learn how to chant “Paraguay.” I wish more chicks in New York had Larissa’s passion. The Yanks would make sure they never wore clothes. I salute these two brave young sportswomen and heroes. They are everything that Title IX stands for.

These are two sexy soccer bitches but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

I’d be remiss if I didn’t include more pics of Larissa Riquelme:

Metro UK

Jonah Hill surprised everyone by showing up at the ESPY’s looking like an anorexic Holocaust survivor. The formerly fat funnyman is said to have lost about 40 pounds (yeah, in his face) by dieting and exercise to prepare for his role in the upcoming movie 21 Jump Street because who ever heard of a fat cop before?

It’s a good health decision but I don’t know how this shakes out career-wise. He was funny mainly because he was fat. If Chris Farley wasn’t fat, he wouldn’t have been half as funny. However on the positive side, he can see his penis now. So he’s got that going for him.

These are two very different looks but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

Joey Chestnut defended his hot dog-eating Championship for the fifth year in a row at the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating an insane 62 hot dogs in 10 minutes. The only problem is that his archrival Kobayashi ate 69 dogs at the exact same time to break the world record on the rooftop of the swank 230 Fifth Avenue. Chestnut and Nathan’s contend that Kobayashi’s accomplishment is invalid because he did it under different conditions. However, Kobayashi was forced to accomplish his feat separately after being banned from the Nathan’s competition for not joining Major League Eating, the organization that sanctions the event.

If Kobayashi feels he can make more money on his own than with MLE, that’s his prerogative (Bobby Brown FTW). He shouldn’t be banned from the world’s marquee eating event. It’s a crime against Kobayashi, it’s a crime against Chestnut, and dammit, it’s a crime against the fans. And what are these different conditions that the organizers are talking about? Aren’t all hot dogs made out of cow eyeballs? It’s not like Coney Island has a different gravitational pull than Manhattan. It’s not Coors Field.

We have a legit beef here. Chestnut is the champ, but Kobayashi may be better. If these people were smart, there would be a primetime duel on ESPN. All-Star Break, anyone? It would definitely be better than The Decision.

These are two big eaters but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

CNN

Forget the Oscars and Emmys. This is officially awards season. Last week, the NHL and BET had their annual awards shows honoring the best offensive defenseman and gospel artist, amongst other things. Nothing says glitz like Jay Mohr and Kevin Hart hosting some of the whitest and blackest performers in the world. Unfortunately, both shows featured a bit of gaffe while presenting prestigious awards. While awarding the Lady Byng Memorial Trophy for sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct, two whores from Real Housewives (why?) had a little trouble pronouncing Martin St. Louis’s name. It’s French, ladies. One could argue that the bigger screwup was really having two absolutely horrible human beings present a trophy for sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct.

Over at the BET Awards, a lucky contest winner got to announce the recipient of the Fans’ Choice Award. Unfortunately, she never learned how to read apparently and proclaimed Chris Brown as the winner when it was really Rihanna. Luckily, those two don’t have a history together.

These are two epic fails but there’s only question to ask: Who Ya Got?