Is Paul Stender the coolest guy of all-time? He’s an old ass farmer dude who put a fucking cruise missile on top of a 1967 Chevy Impala. Now he can get the beater up to 300 MPH. Plus check out his wife. I need to move down south. The cowboy boots do it for me.
The economy sucks. It’s hard enough to find a job and make some money. Insurance companies are always ripping people off, so why not rip them off, right? That was the idea this genius had. It’s just a shame he tried his plan on a police car with a camera on the dash.
Everyone loves jacking it at work. It’s a way to get back at The Man. I jack it like eight times a day writing these posts for you. I just jacked it right now. However, most of us aren’t required to do a live newscast as part of our work. This newscaster from the Ukraine found out the hard way that sometimes the producer throws it back to you a little early. I wonder if he was thinking about that stripper or if her American flag outfit got him excited about freedom. Make sure that hand is clean, buddy!
This is the autobiography of the coach accused of sexually assaulting children at Penn State. It is not photoshopped. If you’re a child molester, you CANNOT name your autobiography Touched.
“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”
Brooklyn’s Science Skills Center High School is coming under fire for closing every bathroom in the school except for one located in the nurse’s office, causing waits of up to 20 minutes to take a simple piss. That’s one bathroom for 634 students! SSCHS has had problems with violence and bullying, with students even setting fires in the bathrooms in the past, but then again, when you gotta go…
A young student named Kianna complained, “It was awful, and not just the smell or the line. It was the pee all over the place and the terrible plumbing.” I feel your pain, Kianna. Actually, wait, no I don’t. I’m a guy. A Dept. of Education spokesman claimed that the single baño situation lasted only for one day, but that comment was rebuffed by more than 20 students.
This isn’t communist Sweden. It is every kid’s right to be able to waste time in any bathroom they choose. Why can’t they just get a security guard or have a few teachers with a free period roaming the halls? These kids need to band together to break the administration. At my high school, somebody drew a swastika in one of the bathrooms and they put all these restrictions on leaving class. We protested and they relented. The Bloods, Crips, nerds, popular kids, gays, and goths of SSCHS have to do the same. I know it’s tough, but do it for all the other schools, do it for your bladders, and most of all, do it for America. Hit the music…
Try losing 40 pounds first.
Being Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea is hard work. It’s not all dispatching airplanes to China to pick up McDonald’s and watching vintage Swedish porn. The reason that North Korea is one of the best countries to live in is that Kim Jong-Il singlehandedly inspects all means of production, you name it. Giant cucumbers? Check. Umbrellas? No question. Weapons-grade biochemicals? All in day’s work. His exploits are chronicled at Kim Jong-Il Looking At Things. If only Obama took his job as seriously.
Fascist high school teacher Steve Cuckovich took keeping control of his classes to a whole new level when he started deducting points from students for saying “God bless you” after a sneeze. Cuckovich claimed that any type of talking is disruptive and takes away from time in class. In protest, his students intentionally sneezed throughout entire classes. Cuckovich eventually repealed his policy.
Holy shit. I’ve had some intense teachers before but this is the worst. I would have gotten an F in his class even if I aced every test. I wonder what he does if you ask to go to the bathroom or drop a pencil. It’s a scientific FACT that high school kids can not pay attention for more than fifteen minutes at a time. If you’re sitting in an hour-long class, you need to blow off a little steam every now and again whether it’s cracking a joke or checking out the ass of the hot chick in front of you. Even something as simple as saying “God bless you” gives your mind enough of a break to resume learning.
Steve Cuckovich is a horrible teacher and a horrible human being. He cannot be trusted with the upbringing of our youth and needs to be sent to Communist Sweden. The kids that fought this evil man through their sneezes deserve a medal. They represent what America is all about: fighting oppression and warding your friends of evil spirits as they sneeze. Cue up the music…
The Celtics’ Delonte West is a man of the people. Unlike others, he’s trying to stay out of trouble during the NBA lockout and even earn a little extra money to take his girl Gloria out to dinner. Delonte recently went down to his local Regency Furniture and submitted a fine (mostly-filled) job application to work in the stock room. How do we know? Because he tweeted it. And so what if he was convicted of a crime? It was just a misunderstanding. “Sorry officer, I didn’t know I can’t ride around on my motorcycle with a couple sawed-off shotguns.” Happens to me all time. In fact, Delonte’s application is so good I’m willing to hire him here in The Suite. I’ll even double his pay to $12 an hour.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that you should always believe everything you read on the Internet. Jack Mord is an antiques dealer who has discovered the secret of Nic Cage’s success: he’s an immortal vampire. Mord’s proof is a photo from the 1800’s that he believes depicts Cage. He says that the actor reinvents himself about every 75 years and might eventually come back as “a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.” Montel Williams, I’m on to you!
Of course Nic Cage is a vampire. How do you think he’s survived all the flops he’s made over the past few years? Mord is now selling the photo on eBay for $1 million, which knowing how obsessed people are with vampires, will probably sell faster than you can say “Team Edward.” Unfortunately for Mord, vampires cannot be photographed. I learned that from an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? Also, I don’t think vampires need hair plugs.
Rainman Suite 