Archive for the ‘the kids’ Category

Revenge of the Nerd

Posted: January 24, 2012 by Keith Stone in the kids
Tags: ,

As if the bullies of the world didn’t learn from Kid Zangief, here’s Kid Ryu to teach them another lesson. Again, sometimes parents sign their skinny, dorky kids up for karate for exactly this reason. Or maybe he just had a George McFly moment. Either way, kids, don’t call anyone on the playground a “faggot” or you might end up with a roundhouse kick to the face.

I’m Raising My Kids In Kazakhstan

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in hockey, I LIKE!!!, the kids

Kids in America are such wimps nowadays. Everybody gets to play. Everybody gets a trophy. Everybody did a great job and gets a kiss from Mommy. Not so in Astana, Kazakhstan. After two kids get into a fight after the handshake line in an under-10 game, the entire teams start scuffling. It’s like Slap Shot meets Bad News Bears. The best part is that the adults on the ice barely do anything to stop the fight. They let the kids handle everything themselves. That’s how hockey works. And of course, the crowd gives a raucous ovation when it’s all said and done. All kids should spend two weeks playing hockey in Astana so we don’t have a generation of pussies.

Jabroni of the Week: Sharron Smalls

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, school, the kids

Sharron Smalls may be the worst high school principal ever. Her students at Jane Addams High School in danger of not graduating because of her ridiculous plan to give kids credits for classes they didn’t take. For instance, geography credits were given to students taking a tourism class and chemistry credits were given for a cosmetology class. Smalls did this to boost the numbers for her school and the Department of Education still rated it an F.

This Principal Smalls must be really popular around the school. Once word leaked about her course credit scam, teachers revealed that she made them pay to park in the school’s parking lot. The school’s own parking lot! It’s not like they’re investment bankers, they’re teachers at one of the worst schools in the city. Of course, nobody knows where that money went. Probably supplemented Principal Smalls’s $140,000 salary. Yeah, you read that right. The principal at an F-rated school makes six digits.

Her students aren’t too pleased with her either, obviously, so they did what any aggrieved, enterprising high school students would do. They went on her Facebook page and sent a picture of her getting her freak on with a shirtless dude while getting covered in chocolate to all the newspapers. Ironically, it seems that Principal Smalls has a strict dress code at Jane Addams. No pants below the butt, no skirts above the knee, and no chocolate sauce.

Sharron, baby, you should know better than this. You can’t let kids play basketball for 45 minutes and call it physics class. That sounds like something out of one of Zack Morris’s dreams. If the kids need math credits, you should have just had some substitute teacher come in and teach them the times tables.

Now these kids might have to come in for summer school to earn their diplomas, and that’s pretty much the worst thing ever. Well, it’s even worse since it’s your fault, and you’re wildly overpaid. Hope you’ve been saving. Maybe you can run the education program at whatever prison you end up at. Just remember that you don’t get a chemistry credit for making toilet wine. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Daily News

This Kid Doesn’t Get the Broadway Hat

Posted: November 16, 2011 by Keith Stone in hockey, NHL, Rangers, the kids, Veteran's Day

The celebrate Veteran’s Day, the Rangers had the eight-year-old son of a veteran drop the first puck at Friday’s game. The kid did the best he could but appeared a bit confused about the protocol. Either he was nervous or somebody didn’t give him the rundown. You can’t leave the Captain’s hand hanging like that! At least Marian Gaborik seemed to get a kick out of it.

Jabroni of the Week: Lisa Gay

Posted: November 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, Lisa Gay, Mel Gibson, the kids

There’s nothing worse than spreading rumors about your friends. “Keith slept with a fat girl!” No, that would never happen. Luckily, nobody has ever accused me of getting knocked up by Mel Gibson. Rumorfix is reporting that a friend of Secrets of Aspen “star” Laura Bellizzi claims that Bellizzi is pregnant with Mel’s 12th (I think) child.

Lisa Gay’s ridiculous statement reads, “Laura is super excited to be pregnant with Mel Gibson’s baby! She already has three daughters of her own and she knows how to be a great mom. Laura is presently five months pregnant with Mel Gibson’s baby. Laura has shared many sacred moments of her pregnancy with me including the sonogram that revealed Mel Gibson’s child will be a girl. She is already in love with her baby girl she is just overjoyed and sees this baby as a new light for her life.”

The only problem is that both Gibson and Bellizi have denied this. They apparently dated over the summer, which is bad enough if you’re Lisa Bellizi. I’m sure she doesn’t want people to think that she’s carrying Mad Max’s demon child and he’s going to be demanding blow jobs and kicking the shit out of her while the kid is growing up. Maybe she is. At least she’s going to be getting a fat paycheck. The important thing is that nobody knows. Lisa Gay is totally blowing up her shit.

Lisa, baby, your statement is bad enough. You’d be the world’s worst publicist but instead it seems like you’re the world’s worst friend. Forget about the fact that you only describe the child as “Mel Gibson’s baby” like he lent her a car or something. Do you realize that Mel Gibson is one of the worst human beings on the planet? He hates Jews. He hates women. You make it sound like she’s been impregnated by the second coming of Gandhi or Will Smith or something.

That is, unless this is all part of a devious plan. Maybe you secretly hate Laura Bellizi and this is your way of making her look like a fool in public. If it is, you are a very underhanded individual. I like it. I’d never want to be friends with you but you could probably spend some time with Queen James down in South Beach. Either way, good luck and hopefully you won’t be Mel Gibson’s child’s Godmother. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.


Welcome To Pee Your Pants High

Posted: October 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, school, the kids

“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

Brooklyn’s Science Skills Center High School is coming under fire for closing every bathroom in the school except for one located in the nurse’s office, causing waits of up to 20 minutes to take a simple piss. That’s one bathroom for 634 students! SSCHS has had problems with violence and bullying, with students even setting fires in the bathrooms in the past, but then again, when you gotta go…

A young student named Kianna complained, “It was awful, and not just the smell or the line. It was the pee all over the place and the terrible plumbing.” I feel your pain, Kianna. Actually, wait, no I don’t. I’m a guy. A Dept. of Education spokesman claimed that the single baño situation lasted only for one day, but that comment was rebuffed by more than 20 students.

This isn’t communist Sweden. It is every kid’s right to be able to waste time in any bathroom they choose. Why can’t they just get a security guard or have a few teachers with a free period roaming the halls? These kids need to band together to break the administration. At my high school, somebody drew a swastika in one of the bathrooms and they put all these restrictions on leaving class. We protested and they relented. The Bloods, Crips, nerds, popular kids, gays, and goths of SSCHS have to do the same. I know it’s tough, but do it for all the other schools, do it for your bladders, and most of all, do it for America. Hit the music…

NY Daily News

Trivia Time: Baby Skull Edition

Posted: October 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in the kids, trivia

The skull is freaky before you start losing teeth, huh? It looks like some sort of shark-human. Apparently, your adult teeth just chill all over the place while they wait to pop out, like a houseguest who won’t leave. Luckily, it looks like whoever’s skull this is flossed regularly. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and win a toothbrush. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

How many total teeth do humans have? (and a hint: it’s not none)


Call Me In 12 Years

Posted: October 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in England, the kids

First Skins [NSFW], now this. I really need to move to England.

Most studies that researchers do are idiotic. 58% of New Yorkers like the Yankees! Thanks, chief. Now get a real job. But this new study that was released is by far the worst I’ve ever seen. The geniuses over at the University of Wisconsin have deemed that students who had Facebook postings related to alcohol were more likely to be considered “at-risk” for alcoholism. I would tell these researchers to get a life, but what else is there to do in Wisconsin besides drink, eat cheese, and do stupid research studies?

This is the most obvious thing I’ve ever heard in my life. The kid that posts, “Just drank three sixers of Old Style. I’m ready to go to College Gameday and taunt Lee Corso,” might be a bit at-risk. If a kid posts a pic chugging from a bottle of Georgi, he might drink too much. Don’t we all in college? It’s like saying the stripper with the huge implants probably has some daddy issues. We don’t need a researcher to tell us this. So put away your supercomputers, scientists of Wisconsin, don’t judge, and crack open a cold one.

ABC News


Posted: October 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, school, the kids

Fascist high school teacher Steve Cuckovich took keeping control of his classes to a whole new level when he started deducting points from students for saying “God bless you” after a sneeze. Cuckovich claimed that any type of talking is disruptive and takes away from time in class. In protest, his students intentionally sneezed throughout entire classes. Cuckovich eventually repealed his policy.

Holy shit. I’ve had some intense teachers before but this is the worst. I would have gotten an F in his class even if I aced every test. I wonder what he does if you ask to go to the bathroom or drop a pencil. It’s a scientific FACT that high school kids can not pay attention for more than fifteen minutes at a time. If you’re sitting in an hour-long class, you need to blow off a little steam every now and again whether it’s cracking a joke or checking out the ass of the hot chick in front of you. Even something as simple as saying “God bless you” gives your mind enough of a break to resume learning.

Steve Cuckovich is a horrible teacher and a horrible human being. He cannot be trusted with the upbringing of our youth and needs to be sent to Communist Sweden. The kids that fought this evil man through their sneezes deserve a medal. They represent what America is all about: fighting oppression and warding your friends of evil spirits as they sneeze. Cue up the music…