Posts Tagged ‘the kids’

Shoulda Flown Southwest

Posted: July 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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If you’ve traveled recently, you know what a pain in the ass it is. Security checks, baggage fees, whiny children. Well, here’s a couple that knows how to fly. An Egyptian mother and father tried sneaking their infant child through airport security to get into the United Arab Emirates by putting the kid in their carry-on luggage. Only when their package was discovered by an X-ray machine was the parents’ dumbass scheme revealed. Of course, putting  a child in front of that much radiation in close proximity is not a good thing. It’s OK for your laptop, not for an infant.

Who the fuck tries sneaking a baby through security? I know Mom and Pops were probably excited to get away from the pyramids for a nice little weekend in Dubai but is it really worth giving your kid leukemia? Apparently, the lil’ tyke didn’t have any documentation. How hard is it getting a child a passport? I know it’s the Middle East but unless his name is Osama bin-Suicidebomber, I’m pretty sure he should be good to go. And the airport security people might seem like idiots but they always seem to catch me if I bring too much sunscreen in my carry-on. I’m pretty sure they would notice A FUCKING LIVING HUMAN BEING.

Washington Post

Jabroni of the Week: Sherwin Shayegan

Posted: February 19, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
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Remember that movie Radio where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a mentally handicapped man who finds his place in life by assisting his local high school sports teams? This is the child molestery version of the tale. Sherwin Shayegan, or as the authorities are now calling him the “Piggyback Bandit,” would show up at high school games and help with various tasks, like handing out water. He seemed a little slow but people assumed he was somehow associated with one of the teams playing. Suspiciously, however, Shayegan tried to get piggyback rides from players when the games were over. Like the Wet Bandits flooding the basements of the homes they robbed, the Piggyback Bandit would always ask for piggybacks and even offered to pay for piggybacks.

School officials picked up on his antics and he became well-known in his native Pacific Northwest. Then he headed East, leaping on high school athletes as far away as Minnesota. He even jumped on a hockey player, which sounds so fantastic I wish it was caught on video. On top of the fact that a grown man jumping on kids is incredibly creepy, the Piggyback Bandit is also pushing 250 pounds and might crush a student. Could you imagine him ending a promising athletic career going for a piggyback ride? The Piggyback Bandit is now banned from attending high school athletic events in five states.

Look, I love jumping on people’s backs as much as the next guy, but the Piggyback Bandit is putting way too much time and effort into this. Why spend all the money on gas and hotels, when you find somebody on Craigslist and get all the piggyback rides your heart desires? On the other hand, he has a pretty nice ruse going. Act like a good samaritan, give some kids a little water, and then BOOM! piggyback ride. Who could resist?

Piggyback Bandit, baby, you’re freaking the little kiddies out. I know you may not be the brightest guy in the world but the real trick is going to girls’ volleyball games and furiously masturbating when you get home. Or you can always take your talents down to South Beach. I hear LeBron loves giving piggyback rides. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

ESPN

New York Kid Knows Giants Roster Better Than Tom Coughlin

Posted: February 3, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
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In Boston, kids this age can barely count to 10 and my little buddy knows the entire Giants roster from Eli Manning to Jerrel Jernigan. Heck, Rob Gronkowski can barely count to 10. Throw this on top of the long list of reasons why New York fans are better than their counterparts in Beantown. At the Super Bowl, Pats fans are going to be so busy figuring out how many yards they need for a first down, they won’t even realize Tommy Brady got sacked again.

And I’m sure this kid’s dad didn’t force Junior to memorize everything against his will or anything like that…

Revenge of the Nerd

Posted: January 24, 2012 by Keith Stone in the kids
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As if the bullies of the world didn’t learn from Kid Zangief, here’s Kid Ryu to teach them another lesson. Again, sometimes parents sign their skinny, dorky kids up for karate for exactly this reason. Or maybe he just had a George McFly moment. Either way, kids, don’t call anyone on the playground a “faggot” or you might end up with a roundhouse kick to the face.

John Bonham Would Be Proud

Posted: January 17, 2012 by Keith Stone in music
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This kid knows what rock and roll is all about. I’m sure he was doing massive amounts of coke backstage with groupies before the show, but obviously as a rookie he couldn’t hold on long enough. And a bad job by the rest of the band to pick up the slack. Back in ’72, Keith Richards lit himself on fire and Mick Jagger put him out during a show. Didn’t even stop singing Brown Sugar. At least, our kid knows that the show must go on and recovered like a champ.