Posts Tagged ‘news’

Report: Ladies Like Big Penis Size; Also, Sky Is Blue

Posted: November 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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In a groundbreaking study done by the geniuses at the Journal of Sexual Medicine, it has been proven that penis size does matter to females in bed. Stuart Brody, a psychologist from the University of the West of Scotland, painstakingly interviewed 323 women over countless hours to come to the conclusion. Of course, he could have watched a single episode of Sex & the City to come to the same conclusion but at least he was thorough. Speaking of coming to conclusions, the research luckily shows that penis size only matters to some types of orgasms. Good news for you little guys out there, and who knew there were so many types of orgasms? You really do learn something new every day.

Brody later reported that the better orgasms “might be due at least in part to greater ability of a longer penis to stimulate the entire length of the vagina, and the cervix.” What a science maverick. It’s like Einstein, Newton, Edison, and Stuart Brody on the Mt. Rushmore of science. A bigger penis has the ability to stimulate a bigger area of the vagina. Maybe all this acclaim will be what finally helps Stuart Brody lose his own virginity. Keep up the good work over there in the West of Scotland, and feel free to use the MKS in any future clinical trials.

Daily Mail

Happy 60th Birthday, David Hasselhoff!

Posted: July 17, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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Today we celebrate the birthday of one of the most amazing men in American German world history, a man who singlehandedly took apart the Berlin Wall brick-by-brick, and did the most to end the Cold War other than Rocky Balboa. David Hasselhoff, you are a true legend. Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, baby!

Ron Jeremy, International Crime Fighter

Posted: July 17, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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No, it’s not the title of his latest flick. Ron Jeremy was recruited last year to help put Canadian porn star and cannibal Luka Rocco Magnotta behind bars. Magnotta, who at that point was only killing kittens in online videos and hadn’t moved up to eating humans, was to be recruited to LA by Jeremy under the pretense of starring along side the prolific actor in an upcoming movie. Once there, the organizers of the scheme which included twin Playmates the Barbi Twins (naturally) were going to turn Magnotta in. Jeremy eventually got cold feet about the plan and decided not to participate. It may have been a good idea since, ya know, Magnotta turned out to be a fucking cannibal.

This may be the weirdest story of the year. It’s so weird I wouldn’t even believe it as the plot of one of Ron Jeremy’s movies. I think we may be able to make it work, though. In our film, a hard working porn star (Ron Jeremy as himself) successfully convinces a Canadian jewel thief (animal killer would ruin the mood—I’m thinking Tori Black for the role) to come out to LA to fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a porn star herself. However, instead of turning her in, he falls in love with the starlet, leading to an emotional 4-way with the Barbi twins and eventually her climactic (in more ways than one) gangbang with the police officers (Lexington Steele and Mr. Marcus) that take her away. There won’t be any cannibalism but body parts will be consumed. It would sweep the AVN Awards.

Toronto Sun

Shoulda Flown Southwest

Posted: July 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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If you’ve traveled recently, you know what a pain in the ass it is. Security checks, baggage fees, whiny children. Well, here’s a couple that knows how to fly. An Egyptian mother and father tried sneaking their infant child through airport security to get into the United Arab Emirates by putting the kid in their carry-on luggage. Only when their package was discovered by an X-ray machine was the parents’ dumbass scheme revealed. Of course, putting  a child in front of that much radiation in close proximity is not a good thing. It’s OK for your laptop, not for an infant.

Who the fuck tries sneaking a baby through security? I know Mom and Pops were probably excited to get away from the pyramids for a nice little weekend in Dubai but is it really worth giving your kid leukemia? Apparently, the lil’ tyke didn’t have any documentation. How hard is it getting a child a passport? I know it’s the Middle East but unless his name is Osama bin-Suicidebomber, I’m pretty sure he should be good to go. And the airport security people might seem like idiots but they always seem to catch me if I bring too much sunscreen in my carry-on. I’m pretty sure they would notice A FUCKING LIVING HUMAN BEING.

Washington Post

Stand Tall, New York

Posted: April 30, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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As of today, this is the tallest building in the city. We’re almost back.

Where’s An Iceberg When You Need One?

Posted: April 16, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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It’s the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic, so of course everyone is acting like an idiot about it because that’s what people do. The TV is non-stop with reenactments about the last moments before the ship went down (haven’t seen that before), and if that isn’t morbid enough, a Titanic memorial cruise sailed the exact same route as the doomed ship 100 years later. Let the dead bodies rest. I know it was a epic disaster but it was 100 fucking years ago! There are probably 20 people alive today that had their lives directly impacted by it. There’s no need to hold a vigil over the wreck at the exact moment it sank. I’m sure the cruise was filled with rich assholes, extremely distant relatives of victims who care way too much, and chicks who have seen the movie a million times. These people want to know what it was like to be on the Titanic? It’s a shame they couldn’t get the full experience.

Fox News

British Easter Egg Hunts More Dangerous Than The Hunger Games

Posted: April 10, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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A three-year-old kid in England found an extra special treat the Easter Bunny left behind this Sunday during an Easter egg hunt: a hand grenade from World War II. The boy was standing on the grenade when adults found him but luckily didn’t pull the pin. If you look at a grenade, it actually does look like an Easter egg but instead of being delicious, it just blows you to smithereens. Even Jesus couldn’t come back from that. However, one could argue that a grenade egg isn’t be as harmful to the teeth of a young English lad as a chocolate egg. The grenade was destroyed later in the day. So remember, if you’re ever in England for Easter, think twice before picking up that Easter egg. It’s almost as dangerous as finding an abandoned frisbee in Vietnam.

Yahoo

Shooting Championship Plays Kazakhstan National Anthem From “Borat” Instead of, You Know, the Real One

Posted: March 25, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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Poor girl just looks stunned. She wins the gold medal and is about to become a Kazakh national hero. She might even get a brand-new mule for her village. Then, the anthem starts playing and she has to hear about how her country’s prostitutes are the cleanest in the region. I guess they’re not so bright in Kuwait, where this competition was held. A good tip-off that this may not have been the national anthem is the fact that it’s in English. I’m not Christopher Columbus but I’m pretty sure they don’t speak English there. And again, the whole thing with the prostitutes. They eventually re-did the ceremony so Maria Dmitrienko could have her moment. For what it’s worth, let’s here in The Suite celebrate her moment with the real Kazakh national anthem.


BBC

Amen, Brother

Posted: March 15, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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Denis Hamill wrote an opinion piece about legalizing prostitution in New York in the Daily News today. Despite the fact that it’s never going to happen, it’s a brilliant idea. Imagine blowing off steam after a hard day at work by getting blown. That’s a real happy hour. The tax revenue and decreased costs in policing against prostitution would be worth it. Like he says, marijuana is decriminalized and gambling is more accessible than ever. Let’s just go all the way with this thing. Whoring is already legal on Wall St.

Not A Good Day For Goldman Sachs

Posted: March 14, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
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The investment bank, Goldman Sachs, quite possibly the most renowned on Wall St., was rocked today by an op-ed piece in the New York Times by a resigning manager, Greg Smith. Smith claimed that the culture of the company had changed during his tenure and that employees were no longer looking out for their clients and were instead taking advantage of them. Pretty much sums up the finance industry and the economic collapse. Here are a few excerpts from what Smith wrote:

“To put the problem in the simplest terms, the interests of the client continue to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making money. Goldman Sachs is one of the world’s largest and most important investment banks and it is too integral to global finance to continue to act this way.“

“I knew it was time to leave when I realized I could no longer look students in the eye and tell them what a great place this was to work.“

“It makes me ill how callously people talk about ripping their clients off.“

“It astounds me how little senior management gets a basic truth: If clients don’t trust you they will eventually stop doing business with you. It doesn’t matter how smart you are.“

The last quote is the most important because after Goldman sent an email to all its employees basically giving lip service about how everyone cares so very deeply about their clients, the firm lost $2.15 billion in value after its stock price fell 3.4%. Oof. That’s what people need to learn. It doesn’t matter how much money you make in the short-term, if you don’t treat your customers fairly, it’s going to come back and bite you in the ass tenfold. Props to Greg Smith for having the guts to sacrifice his career and say what needed to be said. It’s a lot easier to sit back and say nothing and keep raking it in than do what’s right. If guys like him were in charge, the economy wouldn’t be in a ditch, like it was being driven by a Mets bullpen catcher.

Bloomberg

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