Remember that movie Radio where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a mentally handicapped man who finds his place in life by assisting his local high school sports teams? This is the child molestery version of the tale. Sherwin Shayegan, or as the authorities are now calling him the “Piggyback Bandit,” would show up at high school games and help with various tasks, like handing out water. He seemed a little slow but people assumed he was somehow associated with one of the teams playing. Suspiciously, however, Shayegan tried to get piggyback rides from players when the games were over. Like the Wet Bandits flooding the basements of the homes they robbed, the Piggyback Bandit would always ask for piggybacks and even offered to pay for piggybacks.
School officials picked up on his antics and he became well-known in his native Pacific Northwest. Then he headed East, leaping on high school athletes as far away as Minnesota. He even jumped on a hockey player, which sounds so fantastic I wish it was caught on video. On top of the fact that a grown man jumping on kids is incredibly creepy, the Piggyback Bandit is also pushing 250 pounds and might crush a student. Could you imagine him ending a promising athletic career going for a piggyback ride? The Piggyback Bandit is now banned from attending high school athletic events in five states.
Look, I love jumping on people’s backs as much as the next guy, but the Piggyback Bandit is putting way too much time and effort into this. Why spend all the money on gas and hotels, when you find somebody on Craigslist and get all the piggyback rides your heart desires? On the other hand, he has a pretty nice ruse going. Act like a good samaritan, give some kids a little water, and then BOOM! piggyback ride. Who could resist?
Piggyback Bandit, baby, you’re freaking the little kiddies out. I know you may not be the brightest guy in the world but the real trick is going to girls’ volleyball games and furiously masturbating when you get home. Or you can always take your talents down to South Beach. I hear LeBron loves giving piggyback rides. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Rainman Suite 