Posts Tagged ‘BOSTON SUCKS’

Tom Brady Still Recovering From Super Bowl XLVI

Posted: May 10, 2012 by Keith Stone in football, NFL
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I hate to turn this into a fashion and style website, but it looks like Tom Brady had a rough offseason. He and Horseface made an appearance at the Met Gala and his hair is almost as bad as that pass to Welker in Indy. It looks like Ben Stiller jizzed directly in his hair. He’s dating a model and I’m sure they have stylists. Shouldn’t somebody have said, “Yo, Tom, you’re a little uneven with the hair gel?” But since Bieber ditched the Bieber haircut, I guess Tommy Boy needed a new ‘do. Let’s hope this one lasts until the regular season. And I’m sure Pats fans are thrilled with their QB going to one of the biggest parties of the year in New York.

Congrats, Red Sox!

Posted: April 25, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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What a triumphant victory for the Boston Red Sox last night. Against the 5-12 Twins, the Beaneaters captured a nine-run lead and, wait for it, held on for the 11-2 win. Call me crazy but I think this proves that the Sox are the team to beat in AL East. Bobby V is finally getting his message across, the players are at the right point in the cycles, and most importantly, nobody was eating fried chicken in the clubhouse. Either that, or they were playing a really shitty team. Yeah, probably the second part.

The Most Accurate Headline of All-Time

Posted: April 21, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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For once, the Post has an accurate, tasteful front cover.

Bobby V Is Still An Assclown

Posted: March 23, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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You would think Bobby Valentine could get through an entire Yanks-Sox spring training game without any controversy, but apparently it’s too difficult for Bobby-san. During last night’s tilt, the two teams were tied 4-4 after nine innings. Joe Girardi was dealing with a starting pitcher that was scratched when his wife went into labor and a thin bullpen after using five pitchers. Expecting a long bus ride back to Tampa and two split-squad games toady, Girardi told umpires he was ready to call it a day. Bobby V already had somebody called Clayton Mortensen warming up in the bullpen, and that set him off. Valentine said:

“The umpire came over and said we couldn’t play. I don’t care about not playing. Why do I have to warm up my pitcher who is trying to make the team, coming in a tie game against the Yankees and maybe help him make the team? Instead, he has to walk off the mound and take a shower. Not very courteous.“

I’m pretty sure Bobby V is a chick. That could be the only explanation. He’s like the girl that bitches and moans about everything. Get Bobby V flowers? Not his favorite color. Take him out for dinner? You know he doesn’t like Italian food. Nobody else nags about every single thing like Bobby V does except a woman. Who cares about some guy who’s never going to make the team warming up during a spring training game?

A few weeks ago he said he hated the Yankees and talked shit about Captain Jeter and A-Rod. Joe sticks up for his players. You talk shit about them, you don’t get the courtesy of knowing when we’re taking our balls and bats and heading home. Plus, he has some motivational speeches to prepare. Sorry, Bob. See you in the regular season.

ESPN

Zolio Almonte Hands Sports Superiority Back To Boston

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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You really did it this time, Zolio. The Red Sox were in town at Steinbrenner Field, just asking for a beatdown after everything that Bobby V’s been saying. The game was scoreless into the 9th but Zolio misplayed a single into an inside-the-park home run. Now everything New York has accomplished recently against Boston is for naught. Blueshirts rocking the B’s on their way to the #1 seed? Doesn’t matter. Super Bowl XLVI? Who cares. All I know is that that smug bastard Bobby V is probably smiling and waving goodbye to the fans in Tampa from the back of the bus. We had a chance to shut this clown up and Zolio Almonte gave it all away. Somebody better have a great motivational quote planned for tomorrow. On the plus side, Ivan Nova threw four shutout innings with three strikeouts and only allowed two hits. I guess it wasn’t a total washout.

MLB

Wave Goodbye To Your Face, Bobby V

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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Bobby Valentine sure isn’t making many friends this spring training. After taking shots at Derek Jeter’s iconic flip play, the new Red Sox manager infuriated new Miami Marlins skipper Jose Guillen by waving goodbye after Guillen was ejected from their game for arguing a call. Guillen didn’t see it but after being told by reporters what Bobby-san did, he responded, “I don’t see it. I would have told him to go and fuck himself, too. That’s the way Ozzie Guillen is.”

Nice to see both of these maniacs are in regular season form. Ozzie is going to be completely off the reservation in Miami with all his hombres, and Bobby V already showed he’s going to stir shit to get the stink off his team from last season. These two teams meet up again in June. Let’s hope things get all Olivia Newton-John.

For sure, Ozzie would cut up Bobby V. He’s loco, mang. He probably keeps a switchblade in his back pocket. What’s Bobby thinking? It’s all fun and waving until the Latin Kings cut his face off. He might have to break the fake mustache out of storage to get around in Miami from now on. And you better believe if Bobby V keeps this up when the Yanks and Sox play each other, he might take a Derek Jeter flip to the face. What a bitch move.

Big Lead

Jonathan Papelbon Compares Trash To Garbage

Posted: March 8, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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New Phillies closer and still douchebag Jonathan Papelbon went on the radio in Philadelphia today to talk about the transition to his new team from the Red Sox. Papelbon described Philly fans by saying they “tend to know the game a little better” although Boston was “a bit more hysterical.” Talk about a low blow for Boston. Saying that Philly is smarter than you is like telling a chick Snooki is cuter than her.

Really, though, are Philly and Boston fans really that much different? The Phanactics are a bunch of degenerates, and the Beaneaters are a bunch of toolish frontrunners. It’s the equivalent of picking the smartest kid in the Special Olympics or Matthew McConaughey’s best movie.

My favorite subplot in all of this is yet another former Red Sox taking a shit on the team after leaving. Wasn’t Pap Smear supposed to be the ultimate Red Sox? Brash, confident, asshole. Then, the Sox make an underwhelming contract offer and he can’t wait to spew venom. What a class act. He’s going to be a perfect fit in Philadelphia.

However, it’s becoming more and more clear that nobody likes playing in Boston. It’s going to take a lot more than throwing money around, banning beer, or bringing in a clown as manager to fix the problem. In baseball, chemistry shouldn’t matter but it does. Say what you want about Joe Girardi’s antics from the motivational quotes to the team improv outing but at least he’s working to get his players to like each other. That goes a long way during the dog days and is a hell of a lot better than fried chicken.

ESPN

Bobby V Needs To Know His Role

Posted: February 28, 2012 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB
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Bobby Valentine came out firing shots at the Yankees today, namely at Derek Jeter’s flip play and A-Rod eating Jason Veritek’s glove in 2004. Forget about Veritek. Alex got bitched up that day, but you cannot downplay the significance of the Flip. Discussing the play, Bobby V said, “We’ll never practice that. I think [Jeter] was out of position and the ball gets [Giambi] out if [Jeter] doesn’t touch it, personally.”

I get that all he’s trying to do do is stir up shit but nobody, noooooooooooooooooooooobody, can downplay how important and clutch that moment was. It’s one of the greatest defensive plays in baseball history, not only because Jeter had the presence of mind to be in that spot but because he was physically able to catch and flip the ball so quickly. Did I mention that it was during the seventh inning of a 1-0 elimination game on the road right after New York was hit by the 9/11 attacks? How many players have the balls to do what Jeter did? And Bobby V is just plain wrong. There’s no way the ball gets there otherwise. Shane Spencer made a horrendous throw. Even Ramon Hernandez, who was in the on-deck circle said, “If Jeter doesn’t catch the ball, the ball hits me, that’s how far off the mark it was. Jeter made an unbelievable, heads-up play. Then he makes a great throw to boot. Unbelievable. The play saved them.”

I used to like Bobby V on the Mets. It was cute, the whole thing with the mustache, but this isn’t Queens anymore. The Red Sox finished last season in the most pathetic way imaginable, both on and off the field. You know what you do when you get smacked up? You shut up and you play. You don’t take unprovoked, inaccurate cheap shots about iconic moments that happened 10 years ago. What’s next? Is he going to say Babe Ruth didn’t call his shot? Last time I checked the Captain had 5 rings and Bobby V had none. Worry about beating the Devil Rays and Blue Jays, Bobby. Chill and have a drink. Oh wait, I forgot…

ESPN

Jabroni of the Week: GRONK!

Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis
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There’s nothing worse than falling short in the biggest game of your life. Well, maybe if you lose by four points and know it would have been a whole different story if your ankle was a full strength. Rob Gronkowski put in a man’s effort in 2011. He crushed records and without him the Patriots would have never made the Super Bowl. His antics, from chilling with porn stars to having entertaining interviews in Spanish, made the season interesting to say the least. Of course, Gronk made the most noise by what he did when the season was over. He partied with his shirt off at the Pats’ post-Super Bowl Party to LMFAO. Guess he didn’t take the loss that badly.

It’s not all Gronk. Veteran Matt Light did the same thing. The Patriots going through with the party was questionable in itself. Who celebrates making the Super Bowl? Tom Brady and Bill Belichick didn’t make an appearance at the understandably somber proceedings, not surprisingly. I’m not saying you can’t go and spend one last time with your teammates and friends or unwind after an intense game and reflect on all the team’s accomplishments. Gronk was going wild, though. Dude was jumping up and down. Good thing he didn’t need surgery on his ankle or anything. Oh wait, he did.

Robby, baby, I love dancing with my shirt off. Ask my lady friends. But there’s a time and a place. Hours after your team loses the Super Bowl is not one of them. And what’s up with all the ass slapping? You and your friends are pretty close, huh? It’s an insult to the people that care to be partying it up.

Everyone handles grieving in their own way. If you made that Hail Mary catch, I’d probably still be eating chocolate chocolate chip Haagen Dazs right now. But you didn’t because of the ankle you were jumping on with all your bros. If Tommy Boy’s testicles weren’t in Gisele’s handbag, he would have kicked your ass. Party like a Champion when you are a Champion. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

Gisele Bundchen: Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum

Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum
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It’s like Brandon Jacobs said, Gisele needs to shut up and look cute. It doesn’t matter what your husband does. You don’t criticize his co-workers, much less if it’s at a public setting like the Super Bowl. People in Boston are starting to turn on Horse Face and I don’t blame them. No Titles since the Golden Boy got Leo DiCaprio’s leftovers. Thanks. Dayyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

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