Posts Tagged ‘Phillies’

New Phillies closer and still douchebag Jonathan Papelbon went on the radio in Philadelphia today to talk about the transition to his new team from the Red Sox. Papelbon described Philly fans by saying they “tend to know the game a little better” although Boston was “a bit more hysterical.” Talk about a low blow for Boston. Saying that Philly is smarter than you is like telling a chick Snooki is cuter than her.

Really, though, are Philly and Boston fans really that much different? The Phanactics are a bunch of degenerates, and the Beaneaters are a bunch of toolish frontrunners. It’s the equivalent of picking the smartest kid in the Special Olympics or Matthew McConaughey’s best movie.

My favorite subplot in all of this is yet another former Red Sox taking a shit on the team after leaving. Wasn’t Pap Smear supposed to be the ultimate Red Sox? Brash, confident, asshole. Then, the Sox make an underwhelming contract offer and he can’t wait to spew venom. What a class act. He’s going to be a perfect fit in Philadelphia.

However, it’s becoming more and more clear that nobody likes playing in Boston. It’s going to take a lot more than throwing money around, banning beer, or bringing in a clown as manager to fix the problem. In baseball, chemistry shouldn’t matter but it does. Say what you want about Joe Girardi’s antics from the motivational quotes to the team improv outing but at least he’s working to get his players to like each other. That goes a long way during the dog days and is a hell of a lot better than fried chicken.


I’m sick of everyone saying that teachers have the cushiest jobs. Nothing compares to the life of pro athlete. You get paid tons of money and have months and months off. And who wants to leave work at 3 when you have all that road beef? So far this winter, we’ve seen R.A. Dickey climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro and A-Rod had a fun surgery vacation in Germany. However, it looks like nothing compares to the time Atlanta Braves infielder Jack Wilson has been having. Let’s see Adam Vinatieri hit a Jet Ski when the game is on the line.

Down in the Amazon, Phillies ace Roy Halladay proved that he can save more than just the Phillies from long losing streaks. He actually saved a naked local fisherman whose ass was bitten by an anaconda. Now before you make the obvious ass attacked by giant snake joke, keep in mind that according to the movie Anaconda, the snakes are extremely dangerous, can grow to up to 100 feet in length, and have the ability to eat Jon Voight whole. Not so funny anymore, is it? Halladay helped the man gather his gear and get into his capsized boat after the attack, and then presumably offered him an ass massage because that’s the brotherly thing to do. Is there anything Roy Halladay can’t do (besides make it to the World Series)?