Archive for the ‘school’ Category

Jabroni of the Week: Sharron Smalls

Posted: December 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in jabronis, school, the kids
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Sharron Smalls may be the worst high school principal ever. Her students at Jane Addams High School in danger of not graduating because of her ridiculous plan to give kids credits for classes they didn’t take. For instance, geography credits were given to students taking a tourism class and chemistry credits were given for a cosmetology class. Smalls did this to boost the numbers for her school and the Department of Education still rated it an F.

This Principal Smalls must be really popular around the school. Once word leaked about her course credit scam, teachers revealed that she made them pay to park in the school’s parking lot. The school’s own parking lot! It’s not like they’re investment bankers, they’re teachers at one of the worst schools in the city. Of course, nobody knows where that money went. Probably supplemented Principal Smalls’s $140,000 salary. Yeah, you read that right. The principal at an F-rated school makes six digits.

Her students aren’t too pleased with her either, obviously, so they did what any aggrieved, enterprising high school students would do. They went on her Facebook page and sent a picture of her getting her freak on with a shirtless dude while getting covered in chocolate to all the newspapers. Ironically, it seems that Principal Smalls has a strict dress code at Jane Addams. No pants below the butt, no skirts above the knee, and no chocolate sauce.

Sharron, baby, you should know better than this. You can’t let kids play basketball for 45 minutes and call it physics class. That sounds like something out of one of Zack Morris’s dreams. If the kids need math credits, you should have just had some substitute teacher come in and teach them the times tables.

Now these kids might have to come in for summer school to earn their diplomas, and that’s pretty much the worst thing ever. Well, it’s even worse since it’s your fault, and you’re wildly overpaid. Hope you’ve been saving. Maybe you can run the education program at whatever prison you end up at. Just remember that you don’t get a chemistry credit for making toilet wine. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

NY Daily News

Welcome To Pee Your Pants High

Posted: October 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, school, the kids
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“If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.”

Brooklyn’s Science Skills Center High School is coming under fire for closing every bathroom in the school except for one located in the nurse’s office, causing waits of up to 20 minutes to take a simple piss. That’s one bathroom for 634 students! SSCHS has had problems with violence and bullying, with students even setting fires in the bathrooms in the past, but then again, when you gotta go…

A young student named Kianna complained, “It was awful, and not just the smell or the line. It was the pee all over the place and the terrible plumbing.” I feel your pain, Kianna. Actually, wait, no I don’t. I’m a guy. A Dept. of Education spokesman claimed that the single baño situation lasted only for one day, but that comment was rebuffed by more than 20 students.

This isn’t communist Sweden. It is every kid’s right to be able to waste time in any bathroom they choose. Why can’t they just get a security guard or have a few teachers with a free period roaming the halls? These kids need to band together to break the administration. At my high school, somebody drew a swastika in one of the bathrooms and they put all these restrictions on leaving class. We protested and they relented. The Bloods, Crips, nerds, popular kids, gays, and goths of SSCHS have to do the same. I know it’s tough, but do it for all the other schools, do it for your bladders, and most of all, do it for America. Hit the music…


NY Daily News

Uhhhhhhh……Gesundheit?

Posted: October 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in ridiculous, school, the kids
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Fascist high school teacher Steve Cuckovich took keeping control of his classes to a whole new level when he started deducting points from students for saying “God bless you” after a sneeze. Cuckovich claimed that any type of talking is disruptive and takes away from time in class. In protest, his students intentionally sneezed throughout entire classes. Cuckovich eventually repealed his policy.

Holy shit. I’ve had some intense teachers before but this is the worst. I would have gotten an F in his class even if I aced every test. I wonder what he does if you ask to go to the bathroom or drop a pencil. It’s a scientific FACT that high school kids can not pay attention for more than fifteen minutes at a time. If you’re sitting in an hour-long class, you need to blow off a little steam every now and again whether it’s cracking a joke or checking out the ass of the hot chick in front of you. Even something as simple as saying “God bless you” gives your mind enough of a break to resume learning.

Steve Cuckovich is a horrible teacher and a horrible human being. He cannot be trusted with the upbringing of our youth and needs to be sent to Communist Sweden. The kids that fought this evil man through their sneezes deserve a medal. They represent what America is all about: fighting oppression and warding your friends of evil spirits as they sneeze. Cue up the music…


MSNBC

Preschool Owner Jackie Chan Steals $2.5 Million

Posted: September 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, school, the kids
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Ever wonder what it would look like if Kim Jong-Il was arrested for stealing $2.5 million? Now we know. Jiming Shen was charged with using fraudulent information to get $2.5 million in government funding for his preschool in Staten Island, which he spent on homes and other businesses. After posting bail and being released from jail, Shen went nuts on the cameramen outside the courthouse, doing what can best be described as fat-man karate. He managed to bloody a photographer’s nose and was promptly re-arrested, shattering the record for quickest arrest after being released from jail set by this guy. In a show of loyalty, his loving wife managed to run away and jump on a bus. Shen suffered a broken arm in the ordeal.

Wherever Randy Johnson is right now, I’m sure he’s smiling. Shen needs to forget about running preschools and become a movie star. Pair him with Kevin Hart and make a Martial Law remake. Let’s do this people!


NY Daily News

School’s Out For Summer…And Longer In North Korea

Posted: July 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in North Korea, school
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Kids in North Korean universities are getting a little break from their studies, 10 months to be in fact. The government has ordered all classes to be cancelled until next April so students can help work on construction projects in preparation for the 100th birthday of the deceased founder of the country, Kim Il-sung. How’s that for bittersweet? You’re eating some government-provided octopus and chilling during your summer break when Mom comes out. She’s like, “I have good news and bad news. School’s cancelled till April (YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) but you have to pave roads all winter.” I almost think I’d rather just go to school and learn all about the Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il. Eh, maybe not.

In a related story, while I was doing the extensive research for this post like I do for everything in The Suite, I discovered the official website of North Korea. It looks like something I did in seventh grade. How is it that this country has such widespread problems? Check it out.

Telegraph

Dad Waves At Son’s School Bus In 179 Different Costumes

Posted: June 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in school, the kids
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On the first day of school in American Fork, Utah, Dale Price waved goodbye to his son Rain (great name) on the school bus. Rain was a bitch about it as all 16-year-olds are, so Dale decided to kick it up a notch and wore a different costume to greet the bus everyday for the rest of the school year. He was Wonder Woman, a mermaid, a pirate (which works out since he has a prosthetic leg), and a football player to name a few.

This may be the coolest story I’ve seen all year. Yeah, it really sucks for the kid considering his dad is unemployed and dressing like a chick and all, but how great is this if you’re on that bus? I’m not a morning person and always hated going to school. If I was on the bus, I’d be ready like an hour early each day frothing at the mouth in anticipation of which costume the weird guy is going to wear. An astronaut? A dinosaur? Marilyn Monroe? The only problem is that the best part of everyday would be over at like 8 in the morning and the rest of the day would suck in comparison. I just hope Rain never gets his driver’s license.

AOL

New York City Schoolchildren Face New Threat

Posted: June 15, 2011 by Keith Stone in school, the kids
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It’s hard enough to be a kid in New York. You might not get placed in the school you want. You might be in a class with like 50 other kids. And you might get your finger cut off. Last week, not one but two kids had their fingers cut off at New York City schools ON THE SAME DAY! Both kids got their fingers stuck in doors and that’s never a good thing. The kids, aged 10 and 6, were taken to the hospital but neither school could locate the severed digit and that’s never a good thing either, although one of the schools found the finger a day later. Souvenir! Despite a lot of complaining on the part of their parents, neither child lost more than a nub and will likely get a hefty payday in court. Not a horrible tradeoff. I guess going to school does pay off. Maybe I should go to grad school and get my finger stuck in a door.

NY Daily News