Black History Month is at an end. Seemed kinda short. I wonder if they put it in February on purpose? As a black man myself (at heart), I have to say that this year was especially tough as Whitney Houston died, Viola Davis lost the Best Actress Oscar to Meryl Streep, two black teams were eliminated from The Challenge, and an Asian rolled the NBA. Things can only go up from here, brothers. And now, there’s only more question left to be answered…
Let’s say you and your girl get into an argument. Maybe you go out with your buddies to blow off some steam. Maybe you tell her friends she’s a slut. Maybe you throw away all the clothes she left at your place. This genius went a little beyond that. He tried to run her over in his pickup truck. Luckily, she ran into a gas station convenience store and found refuge. But wait, there’s more! Our protagonist calmly managed to steal a car at a pump. However, his getaway didn’t go so well. Chicks, man.
Looks like being a cop doesn’t pay the way it used to. New York City cop Monty Green has been charged with pimping out women by the NYPD after his name surfaced in connection with illegal activity. While prosecutors don’t have enough evidence to charge him of any crimes because his hookers are too scared to speak (he must be a good pimp), he is scheduled to meet with the police on February 14th to discuss the charges and whether or not he should hold onto his badge. The NYPD is really screwing with him by meeting on Valentine’s Day. It has to be his busiest day of the year.
Gotta give Monty credit for trying to eek out a living during the recession. If I had any money, I’d sign him for a TV holding deal right now. Don’t you think his story is the one thing that can bring NBC out of last place? I can see it now. Samuel L. Jackson will star as Pimp Cop with Kevin Hart as his best friend and assistant pimp and Meagan Good as a ho with a heart of gold. “Pimp Cop coming this fall on NBC Thursday after The Office.” Ratings!!!! Either that, or I’m sure some lame cable channel like A&E or Bravo can have him star in a reality show.
The Smoking Gun does a great job exposing the antics of dumbass criminals. Here’s an amazing slideshow of its best mug shots of 2011 complete with a blushing bride, a great father, and J.Lo’s biggest fan. It’s as good a reason as any to stay out of trouble.
How many of you have had a movie made about them? Unless your name is Chuck Wepner, put your hand down. Rudy Ruettiger is an American cinema icon. That’s why I was in shock when he charged as part of an investment scam that stole $11 million from investors. Rudy is the story of the ultimate underdog. Underdogs don’t steal $11 million. How does Rudy not get everything for free already? Rudy should not have to pay for anything. All of Rudy’s attempted purchases should instead be met with a “Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!” chant.
Rudy apparently lied about his sports drink company Rudy Nutrition, which made a sports drink called “Rudy.” While I admire his business pluck, he’s not really striking while the iron is hot. How about marketing a set of Rudy drinks back in, say, 1993? Rudy told investors that his drink outsold Gatorade and had major distributors that had agreed to sell the drink. I would make fun of the investors for believing a fledgling sports drink named Rudy outsold Gatorade, but when Rudy Ruettiger tells you something, you believe him. Rudy didn’t just mislead the investors; he misled all of us.
Rudy, baby, our heroes cannot disappoint us. They’re there to make us feel better about our miserable lives. What would Coach say? What would your dad say? What would that black janitor say? People look up to you, Rudy. You’re the go-to video to pump up fans at any sporting event. I know you probably got talked into doing the scam but just remember: nobody, and I mean nobody, comes into our house and pushes us into an investment scam. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Nothing can get Rolando McClain down. Why should it? He’s a linebacker for a Raiders team that is having a wonderful, surprising season. So what if he’s getting arrested for allegedly pointing a gun at somebody and then firing to the side of their head? Keep smiling, buddy. You’re in first place on the field and in the courtroom.
The economy sucks. It’s hard enough to find a job and make some money. Insurance companies are always ripping people off, so why not rip them off, right? That was the idea this genius had. It’s just a shame he tried his plan on a police car with a camera on the dash.
Why are the Amish such bad boys? First they don’t want to put reflective strips on their buggies. Now after a dispute over doctrine, a sect of 27 renegades led by the Bishop Sam Mullet (great name) has committed vile crimes against their rivals. That crime? Cutting their beards off. It’s tearing families apart. Arlene Miller had her head shaved and her husband’s beard cut by their own sons.
This is civil war. An Amish Abraham Lincoln must stand tall and unite his people. When I was an extra on Pan Am (humble brag!), they shaved off my sideburns because of course nobody in the 60’s had sideburns. Getting your facial hair cut off is like losing a part of your identity. These Amish should be punished to the fullest extent of the law: 30 days with electricity. When Weird Al sang, “We don’t fight, we all play nice, living in an Amish paradise,” it wasn’t just words. It was life. And now I don’t know what to believe in.
Try losing 40 pounds first.
The most dangerous place in New York isn’t the South Bronx, Harlem, or even MetLife Stadium during a Jets game. It’s the Statue of Liberty. En route to Liberty Island, guests are forced to undergo airport-level screening by magnetometers and X-ray machines. So far in 2011, the U.S. Park Police has confiscated over 10,000 weapons including knives, brass knuckles, blackjacks (I don’t know what they are but they sound fun—double down!), and screwdrivers.That’s almost enough weapons for a Mick Foley hardcore match. All that’s missing is a flaming table, baseball bat covered in barbed wire, and thumbtacks…lots of thumbtacks. Apparently it’s tourists that carry weapons because they hear that the big, bad city is so scary but the Statue of Liberty is perfectly safe. Everybody knows that black people prefer going to the Empire State Building.
Rainman Suite 