Why are the Amish such bad boys? First they don’t want to put reflective strips on their buggies. Now after a dispute over doctrine, a sect of 27 renegades led by the Bishop Sam Mullet (great name) has committed vile crimes against their rivals. That crime? Cutting their beards off. It’s tearing families apart. Arlene Miller had her head shaved and her husband’s beard cut by their own sons.
This is civil war. An Amish Abraham Lincoln must stand tall and unite his people. When I was an extra on Pan Am (humble brag!), they shaved off my sideburns because of course nobody in the 60’s had sideburns. Getting your facial hair cut off is like losing a part of your identity. These Amish should be punished to the fullest extent of the law: 30 days with electricity. When Weird Al sang, “We don’t fight, we all play nice, living in an Amish paradise,” it wasn’t just words. It was life. And now I don’t know what to believe in.
Rainman Suite 