Rainman Suite

Ben Roethlisberger is getting married this weekend! Yeah, only like a year after he fucked a drunk chick in a bathroom. Who is this lovely flower that Big Ben is betrothed to, you may ask. Why it’s Ashley Harlan, a 20-something physician’s assistant who still lives with her parents. Her and Ben decided not to move into together before they got married due to their strict religious beliefs. Yeah, that’s not even a joke. Luckily, Ben’s religious beliefs did not preclude from banging that underage girl in a bathroom. The way these two met is like something out of a storybook. Ben was at training camp when a fan started talking to him. Ben took a liking to the fan’s sister and the rest, as they say, history.

One can only imagine what the wedding is going to be like. The entire Steelers team is invited. Hopefully, Hines Ward comes with a driver. James Harrison may or may not be ejected from the ceremony for criticizing the flower girl’s lackluster performance. Coach Tomlin will be standing at the edge of the dance floor, ready to provide ass slaps for his players busting their humps with the bridesmaids. The linemen will guard the bathroom, you know, just in case. Jeff Reed may even try to crash the festivities. Everyone knows he likes a good party. And of course, they’ll be plenty of Natty Light.

Ashley, baby, what are you thinking? Look, everyone likes good bathroom sex but your fiance is a creep. Ben says he changed and he might have, but give it more than a year to get married. From all the stories coming out of Pittsburgh, it didn’t seem like Ben was that great of a guy to begin with. Also, nice job by Ben scheduling the wedding. What if the lockout got resolved last week? Gonna be a fun honeymoon. At least he has plenty of money. I’d probably marry Betty White if she gave me money. Just remember to keep Ben away from the college bars. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.