Archive for the ‘New York’ Category

The Most Dangerous Place In New York…

Posted: October 19, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, New York

The most dangerous place in New York isn’t the South Bronx, Harlem, or even MetLife Stadium during a Jets game. It’s the Statue of Liberty. En route to Liberty Island, guests are forced to undergo airport-level screening by magnetometers and X-ray machines. So far in 2011, the U.S. Park Police has confiscated over 10,000 weapons including knives, brass knuckles, blackjacks (I don’t know what they are but they sound fun—double down!), and screwdrivers.That’s almost enough weapons for a Mick Foley hardcore match. All that’s missing is a flaming table, baseball bat covered in barbed wire, and thumbtacks…lots of thumbtacks. Apparently it’s tourists that carry weapons because they hear that the big, bad city is so scary but the Statue of Liberty is perfectly safe. Everybody knows that black people prefer going to the Empire State Building.

NY Daily News

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Why Wasn’t I Invited To Slutwalk NY?

Posted: October 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in chicks, New York, sluts

“We are souls not holes”

Based on the success of the Toronto Slutwalk, organizers brought the event to New York for the first time over the weekend. For some reason, despite being the biggest supporter of chicks dressing like whores, I was not invited. Looks like most of the girls there were fat and ugly anyway. There have been 10 rapes in Brooklyn recently. It is so much of an issue that the NYPD recommended that ladies in the area dress down a bit. Now, they’re protesting their right to dress like sluts. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that chicks go irrationally insane when you tell them that you don’t like what they’re wearing. The NYPD really should have known better.

Look, ladies, all guys love it when you look like you’re about to film a scene with the Bang Bros. You got your titties popping out and some ass cheekage coming out of the bottom of your skirt. It’s a good look and it got Tara Reid far in life. The problem is that not every guy is a gentleman like Keith Stone. Keith Stone sees a slut, buys her a shot of Jack, and tries to pull her into the bathroom. Class. However, a guy fresh out of Rikers sees a tramp stamp at 3 in the morning in a dark neighborhood and all bets are off. Do yourself a favor, girls, and listen to the cops. Here’s a solution that works. Bring a change of clothes to the club. If you’re going home alone, change over to your librarian gear and you’ll never get raped. It’s like the reverse Superman.

That brings me to an very important question: why do girls like dressing like sluts but hate the attention they get for doing so? I have friendgirls that complain that they get hit on so much and it’s like, “It’s because you’re hot and you have an inch of fabric covering your ass.” Girls like to look sexy for the sake of it, but then are outraged by the end result. There’s always hot chicks at my gym stretching in yoga pants and the second I look over to stare at their ass, I get the dirtiest look like I’m trying to microwave a baby. If you’re wearing yoga pants, I WILL STARE AT YOUR ASS. Wear sweatpants if you have a problem with it. Preferably something that doesn’t have a word printed on the ass.

Huffington Post

Malcolm Gladwell wrote a piece on Grantland about the scam Bruce Ratner pulled on New York to get his massive development built in Brooklyn under the guise of moving the Nets and helping the community. It’s been under-the-radar for a long time but I think this is the most informative article I’ve read about the subject. Even our own resident Nets fan, Rory, said, “Ratner being an asshole is nothing new.” Make sure to check it out.

Bikers Set To Ruin Manhattan

Posted: September 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in bicycles, New York

I hate bikers. They think they own the streets and never obey traffic rules. Then when they have to stop to let me go, I get a dirty look. Sorry, you’re trying to go through a red light while going the wrong way. I’m walking here, motherfucker. For some reason, New York has an infatuation with bicycles. They redid like every street with bike lanes. That was enough. Now they’ve announced a bike share system that’s going to put an extra 10,000 potential accidents on the road. Luckily, it’s going to be paid for by commercial sponsors but I don’t like this one bit.

The streets are crowded enough. There’s already too many maniacs riding bikes around. They actually had to put monitors on the bridges to make sure bikers and pedestrians obeyed the rules. Now there’s going to be more maniacs, but they’re going to be less experienced maniacs. Bikes are great in some cities but not New York because of the abundance of public transportation. If you’re late, take a taxi. This isn’t Denver.

NY Times

September 12

Posted: September 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in New York, pride


Yesterday was a sad day but today will be better. I didn’t lose anyone on September 11, 2001 so maybe I’m not really qualified to talk about this. All I know is that as a New Yorker, it was terrifying what happened 10 years ago even though I was 50 miles away. I can’t imagine being in the City or knowing somebody that passed away. For a little bit, it didn’t seem like anything would be good again. It was a scary time.

Little by little, you start to heal. I came back into the City. I took the subway. I went to large public events. The City will never be the same, but you have to accept that, move on, and make it better. We had to be nicer to each other. Not just as Americans, but as global citizens. Were were perfect? No way, but better? Yes.

We should never forget the past but we also need to look ahead to the future, and the future is gorgeous. The new World Trade Center is gorgeous. It seemed like it would take 100 years to clean it up but it only took 10. Every time I look downtown and I see the Freedom Tower, it makes me smile. I’m still sad but it’s amazing how far we’ve come since then. We need to keep moving in that direction. There’s going to be bumps in the road, but we owe it to all the people that died to make today a better day. We need to continue to make New York a better place.

Fastest News In Town

Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in media, My9, New York

I was flipping channels last night and I started watching the news on Channel 9, or My9 as the cool kids call it. Let me tell you something about their 10 o’clock news broadcast. It’s hilarious and I’d highly recommend it to anyone who wants to laugh at the news even when it doesn’t involve Sarah Palin. I guess My9 figured that people like their news fast so they start the show with a segment called Nine at 10. They basically read all the big news stories as quickly as they can. It sounds something like this:

“PresidentObamametwithHousedemocratstodaytodiscussreducingtaxesontherich.
Aspokesmansaidtheymadeprogressandtheyplantomeetagaintomorrow.Harry?”

“LocalresidentsarestillreelingoverHurricaneIrene.Therearestill10,000homeswithoutpoweronLongIsland.
GovernorCuomohopestogetallhomesbackbyFriday.”

My9 should really just go all out. Their logo already looks like a bomb. Get the Micro Machines guy to do the news. He could do it in five minutes and we would all get more reruns of The King of Queens.

HURRICANE!?!?!?!?!?!?

Posted: August 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in Hurricane Irene, New York

Not even close. Irene was such a letdown. I planned my whole weekend around her and all I got was a little rain and wind. I barely even got to see any flooding in Long Island. Irene was like a chick you got stuck taking out to dinner. You planned your schedule around it and even did a little research to decide where to go and what to do with her. And then you meet her, she sticks around for a drink, and tells you she has to go because she has to be at work early tomorrow. It’s like if I’m going to impress you with 20 frozen pizzas, you better give me some real rain, bitch. Seriously though, good thing not too many people were hurt.