Archive for the ‘college football’ Category

“Sometimes a winner is a dreamer who just won’t quit.”

Who better to take us into the Golden Domes vs. mobile homes matchup in the BCS National Championship Game tonight than Rudy Ruettiger? Poor Rudy was too small and didn’t have the grades to play at Notre Dame, they said. But, golly gee, he worked hard and said his prayers and he made it. So basically Rudy is the exact opposite of every player who’s going to see action tonight.

These two teams might actually represent the worst of college football’s programs and fanbases. One the one hand, there’s Mr. Popped Collar Notre Dame. “Excuse me, we don’t need to play in a conference with other teams. How could any team be listed in the same standings as a fine Catholic institution such as Notre Dame? Our alumni and hangers-on are so crazed with goodness and reverence that they will gladly spend all the cash they made in the market to help our team win. Also, the past 20 years never happened. WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU.”

Then, on the other hand, there’s a lot of missing teeth. “Yeeeeeeeeeeeehaw, we gon drink Natty Lights and play cornhole all day. I just gotta make sure not to pass out before the big game. Y’all think Rudy is a classy feller? Well, Coach Saban is such a classy feller, I named my first born son after him. Daggone right, and when little Coach Saban Billy Bob Schrader turns 18 or learns how to read, he’s gon go to the University of Alerbama. Coach Saban will definitely still be coaching the team then! Now where did my cousin, I mean, wife go? Roll Tide!”

If there was a douchebag fan scale, these teams wouldn’t be on the scale, they would be the scale. But yeah, Saban is a dick, so there’s only three words to say tonight: RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!

With reports that Al Pacino is set to star as former Penn State coach Joe Paterno in an upcoming biopic, assholes like myself can only think about one thing: who’s going to play Jerry Sandusky? Whoever it is needs to be a great actor to pull off such a nuanced performance. It’s easy to be a crusty football coach and it’s easy to be a perverted sexual predator, but to do both is no small feat. Let’s check out the candidates…

Jon Voight

Why it should happen: He already has experience playing a football coach and his resemblance to Sandusky is uncanny. Voight’s characters are always huge scumbags so this would be a natural progression, the scumbag role of a lifetime. Plus, I loved the movie Heat. Let’s get a Pacino-Voight reunion.

Creep Factor: 8 out of 10 I would not want to be in the showers with Jon Voight. With his odd relationship with his daughter, Angelina Jolie, and his insane political views, Voight has been riding the crazy train for years.

Odds: 4/1 I think this is a distinct possibility. He may not want to be typecast as a fuckface football coach, but if he can make scenes with James Van Der Beek come to life, I’m sure he and Pacino will kill it. Also, he seems very available to work nowadays.

Robert De Niro

Why it should happen: If we’re doing a Heat reunion, we might as well go all the way and get Bob De Niro. He proved in Taxi Driver that he can play a dark character, so why not play Sandusky instead of supporting roles in a unending string of lame comedies? Oh yeah, that’s right, he enjoys having dump trucks full of cash delivered to his house. De Niro doesn’t really look or feel like Sandusky, but he’s such a great actor, he no doubt would do a superb job.

Creep Factor: 5 out of 10 Robert De Niro doesn’t seem overly weird, but I would still be terrified to talk to him. He seems like he would throw you down a flight of stairs for not maintaining proper eye contact with him at all times.

Odds: 15/1 Can you imagine Pacino and De Niro playing a head football coach and his assistant, much less Paterno and Sandusky? The combined yelling and intensity on the set would contribute to so many heart attacks and busted ear drums, the film would have a hard time getting insured.

Rip Torn

Why it should happen: Just look at his mug shot. You know he’s a crazy motherfucker. Playing Sandusky isn’t really much of a leap from the dodgeball coach and creepy old pervert Patches O’Houlihan in Dodgeball. Take off the leather jacket and give him a headset. If he can hold his own with cinematic greats like Vaughn, Stiller, and Norris, Al Pacino is gonna need to start acting classes.

Creep Factor: 9 out of 10 Again, have you seen his mug shot? Torn is still on probation for a drunken after-hours bank robbery in 2010. He claims he thought the bank was his house. Just like Sandusky thought he was just horsing around with those kids. Rip Torn looks like the type of guy who would finger a stripper while he was getting a lap dance.

Odds: 9/2 He may need to shave and tone down the voice a little bit, but this might be a great choice if the producers are looking for a name actor at an affordable price. Also, like Jon Voight, I’m sure he has plenty of free time.

Morgan Freeman

Why it should happen: Curveball! If we can have a black Karate Kid, we can have a black Sandusky. After being cast as God in every movie he’s been in for the last 10 years, I’m sure Morgan Freeman must be champing at the bit to do something a little more serious. Well, this is it.

Creep Factor: 3 out of 10 This might be too hard to overcome. Morgan Freeman just seems like such a pleasant guy. He was involved in a scandal a few years ago after crashing his car with a much younger female passenger who wasn’t his wife (gasp!) but he still seems like a great guy.

Odds: 50/1 There’s no way I want to see Red from Shawshank raping little kids.

Kurt Fuller

Why it should happen: From iconic performances as mayoral aide Jack Hardemeyer in Ghostbusters II to maniacal TV executive Tom Brell in the Hulk Hogan-starring vehicle No Holds Barred, Kurt Fuller has set the American film record for the most consecutive movies playing a creep or pervert. In fact, if you had told me about the Sandusky scandal without showing me a picture of Sandusky, my mind would have instinctively thought of Kurt Fuller in a robe exposing his left breast.

Creep Factor: 10 out of 10 If Kurt Fuller’s car broke down outside your house and he knocked on the door to ask to use the phone, would you open it? I rest my case.

Odds: 30/1 Unfortunately, I don’t think he has the name recognition. However, if the movie features Sandusky in a secondary role and focuses mainly on JoePa and the effects the scandal had on his life, a character actor like Fuller might be the way to go.

Christopher Walken

Why it should happen: I promise I’m not just going through the cast of The Deer Hunter and listing names, although I’m sure Meryl Streep would make an outstanding Jerry Sandusky. Chris Walken has always been a little off. We need our Sandusky to be a freak show. Can…you…imag…ine…the…portray…al…he…would…………………….give?

Creep Factor: 8 out of 10 Can anybody tell if Christopher Walken is fooling around with his schtick or if he really is a bizarre guy? That makes him even freakier.

Odds: 25/1 You can’t have the audience laughing every time Sandusky talks. Although the next time I get drunk, I’m totally going to do a Walken-as-Sandusky impression.

George Clooney

Why it should happen: The ladies need to stay entertained too. Just because somebody is a child predator doesn’t mean he can’t have chiseled good looks. Plus, Clooney always likes showing off his acting chops. If he could nail a role as far out his comfort zone as this one, nobody could ever deny that he isn’t one of the greatest actors ever.

Creep Factor: 2 out of 10 He’s so dreamy! Just don’t let him creep up on your girl.

Odds: 75/1 Clooney likes to be the hero and he’s not disgusting enough to play a monster like Sandusky.

Gerard Depardieu

Why it should happen: Gerard Depardieu has already proven that he could more than ably pull off a crazy, out-of-control menace. So what if our Sandusky has a thick French accent? Let’s shake things up a bit. Have you seen My Father, The Hero? That was a great movie. And are we sure that Sandusky and Depardieu aren’t brothers? You could have fooled me with that nose.

Creep Factor: 9 out of 10 The French accent really pushes him over the top.

Odds: 35/1 All you’d have to do is give this beret-wearer a couple bottles of wine and he will become Jerry Sandusky. It’s called method acting. It’s also how Andre the Giant prepared for Wrestlemania III. Too bad there won’t be a plane scene in the movie.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Why it should happen: The notorious PSH is a legitimately great actor. He isn’t afraid to take risks and won’t mind playing second banana to Pacino. All he needs to do is take his character from Boogie Nights and give him an obsession with underprivileged black kids instead of Mark Wahlberg.

Creep Factor: 6 out of 10 Give him football coach short shorts and I might run out of the theater. And have we ever decided if he ‘s albino or not? I wouldn’t want him to babysit my kids.

Odds: 8/1 A nice mix of acting and creepiness. Phillip Seymour Hoffman would do a great job with this role.

Al Pacino

Why it should happen: Al Pacino has already played Michael Corleone, Tony Montana, and Dr. Kevorkian. How is he going to top that? Simple. By being both Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky. Pacino loves changing the way he looks for his movies. Anyone remember Godfather III? Good because I don’t either, but if anyone can pull this off, it’s Al Pacino. Let’s get some green screens and CGI experts up in this bitch and make the greatest movie since The Nutty Professor.

Creep Factor: 7 out of 10 Nobody oscillates between brooding intensity and old-man-confusion like Al Pacino. He’s the type of guy that would yell at you for five minutes and then forget who you were. Pacino’s become too many of the characters he’s played over the years to really remember how the world functions, and that is a scary fucking thing.

Odds: 100/1 There’s a reason I’m not a Hollywood producer.

Trivia Time: Bowl Season

Posted: December 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in BCS, college football

As a non-college football fan, I’m fascinated by the bowl system and the fact that millions of fans watch and travel to bowl games that have no bearing on anything. I know the BCS is corrupt but they are geniuses for continuing to run their monopoly without a full-fledged revolt from college football fans. I mean, Michigan made a BCS Bowl even though it was six spots behind Boise State. I know the Wolverines travel but a certain point when does it stop being a sham?

The worst part is that these bowls make the schools buy a ton of tickets to sell their students but sometimes you get situations like the University of Nevada selling 10 tickets to the Hawaii Bowl. Sure, it’s great to go to Hawaii but is watching your team play in a mediocre bowl enough of an incentive to spend upwards of a thousand bucks? There’s just too many bowls. We can still have a bowl system with a playoff. The BCS says fans won’t travel to multiple bowls and that may be true, but I bet that locals would still go to the games. Why wouldn’t a Fiesta Bowl semifinal of LSU vs. Stanford sell out? You can still have the other bowls. This doesn’t make them any less insignificant. I’d say it’s all about the money, but I think the BCS is actually leaving money on the table with the current system. I guess they’re just idiots.

That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and you qualify for the Bowl. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

How many bowl games are taking place this season?


Pro Boner

Posted: December 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in college football, Jerry Sandusky, Penn State

Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer, Joe Amendola, has to be the worst lawyer of all-time. If Sandusky was on trial for anything besides raping children, I’d say that Amendola’s performance so far has been the real crime. Amendola and his crew are breaking out all the defenses. He’s like Jon Lovitz as the Pathological Liar. Sandusky was in the showers because he has the mental capacity of child himself. Yeah, yeah that’s right. Actually, he was teaching these kids how to shower because they don’t learn to shower in the hood. If anything, Sandusky deserves a medal and a ton of cash. Who else would teach the poor children to go under the water and rub soap on their bodies? To top it off, Amendola told the press that anyone who believes that his client raped children should call 1-800-REALITY. It turned out to be a gay sex line. Not the best week in legal history. Just look at this guy’s smile. I wouldn’t believe him if he told me the sky was blue and Kate Upton wanted to smash her boobs in my face.

Oh Jeeze

Posted: November 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in college football, Penn State, ridiculous

This is the autobiography of the coach accused of sexually assaulting children at Penn State. It is not photoshopped. If you’re a child molester, you CANNOT name your autobiography Touched.

Giants closer and LSU alum Brian Wilson just kills it here. From his love of cock, to the trumpet playing and bearded tiger head, it doesn’t get any better. He also knows what he’s talking about. Corso better watch his back.

Trivia Time: College Football Edition

Posted: November 3, 2011 by Keith Stone in Bama, college football, LSU, trivia

#1 LSU and #2 Alabama are playing the college football game of the year this Saturday. These teams are bitter rivals and a spot in the National Championship Game is basically on the line. Did I mention that Alabama is coached by Nick Saban, who formerly coached LSU to a Title but is now loathed in Baton Rouge over the circumstances of his departure? I know how that feels. That brings us to our Question of the Week. Get it right and you get to sleep with your cousin. The answer, as always, is after the jump.

When was the last time the #1 and #2 ranked college football teams played each other in a non-Championship game and who were the teams? (and a hint: it was not Harvard and Yale)


Jabroni of the Week: The BCS

Posted: June 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in BCS, college football, jabronis, USC

The BCS retroactively stripped USC of its 2004 BCS National Championship for multiple rules violations. They won over six years ago. This isn’t yesterday’s news. This is yesterday’s yesterday’s news. So what if Reggie Bush got a car? Isn’t that basically what happens with every major football program?

Stripping USC of the Title is the lamest punishment ever. Everyone got their rings, accolades, and sex from the deal. You can’t take that back. Maybe a week after the fact but not six years. It’s not going to change the way anyone thinks. USC blasted Oklahoma that year too. It wasn’t like there were two evenly matched squads going up for the Trophy. The BCS didn’t even award the Title to anyone else. It’s vacant. Yet another reason why pro sports are superior to the college game. Even though the entire 2004 Boston Red Sox was juiced out of their mind, that fucking Trophy still resides at Fenway.

BCS, baby, nobody likes you already. On top of that, you’re probably an illegal monopoly. Now that Osama bin Laden is gone, you’re next in line for Congress after the bad economy. Leave well enough alone. You exist to determine the best college football team in the country, not act as a moral compass for America. If you want to be, feel free to go out and stop programs from cheating. But please, do it today and not six years from now (if you’re still here). Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.