Archive for the ‘movies’ Category

With reports that Al Pacino is set to star as former Penn State coach Joe Paterno in an upcoming biopic, assholes like myself can only think about one thing: who’s going to play Jerry Sandusky? Whoever it is needs to be a great actor to pull off such a nuanced performance. It’s easy to be a crusty football coach and it’s easy to be a perverted sexual predator, but to do both is no small feat. Let’s check out the candidates…

Jon Voight

Why it should happen: He already has experience playing a football coach and his resemblance to Sandusky is uncanny. Voight’s characters are always huge scumbags so this would be a natural progression, the scumbag role of a lifetime. Plus, I loved the movie Heat. Let’s get a Pacino-Voight reunion.

Creep Factor: 8 out of 10 I would not want to be in the showers with Jon Voight. With his odd relationship with his daughter, Angelina Jolie, and his insane political views, Voight has been riding the crazy train for years.

Odds: 4/1 I think this is a distinct possibility. He may not want to be typecast as a fuckface football coach, but if he can make scenes with James Van Der Beek come to life, I’m sure he and Pacino will kill it. Also, he seems very available to work nowadays.

Robert De Niro

Why it should happen: If we’re doing a Heat reunion, we might as well go all the way and get Bob De Niro. He proved in Taxi Driver that he can play a dark character, so why not play Sandusky instead of supporting roles in a unending string of lame comedies? Oh yeah, that’s right, he enjoys having dump trucks full of cash delivered to his house. De Niro doesn’t really look or feel like Sandusky, but he’s such a great actor, he no doubt would do a superb job.

Creep Factor: 5 out of 10 Robert De Niro doesn’t seem overly weird, but I would still be terrified to talk to him. He seems like he would throw you down a flight of stairs for not maintaining proper eye contact with him at all times.

Odds: 15/1 Can you imagine Pacino and De Niro playing a head football coach and his assistant, much less Paterno and Sandusky? The combined yelling and intensity on the set would contribute to so many heart attacks and busted ear drums, the film would have a hard time getting insured.

Rip Torn

Why it should happen: Just look at his mug shot. You know he’s a crazy motherfucker. Playing Sandusky isn’t really much of a leap from the dodgeball coach and creepy old pervert Patches O’Houlihan in Dodgeball. Take off the leather jacket and give him a headset. If he can hold his own with cinematic greats like Vaughn, Stiller, and Norris, Al Pacino is gonna need to start acting classes.

Creep Factor: 9 out of 10 Again, have you seen his mug shot? Torn is still on probation for a drunken after-hours bank robbery in 2010. He claims he thought the bank was his house. Just like Sandusky thought he was just horsing around with those kids. Rip Torn looks like the type of guy who would finger a stripper while he was getting a lap dance.

Odds: 9/2 He may need to shave and tone down the voice a little bit, but this might be a great choice if the producers are looking for a name actor at an affordable price. Also, like Jon Voight, I’m sure he has plenty of free time.

Morgan Freeman

Why it should happen: Curveball! If we can have a black Karate Kid, we can have a black Sandusky. After being cast as God in every movie he’s been in for the last 10 years, I’m sure Morgan Freeman must be champing at the bit to do something a little more serious. Well, this is it.

Creep Factor: 3 out of 10 This might be too hard to overcome. Morgan Freeman just seems like such a pleasant guy. He was involved in a scandal a few years ago after crashing his car with a much younger female passenger who wasn’t his wife (gasp!) but he still seems like a great guy.

Odds: 50/1 There’s no way I want to see Red from Shawshank raping little kids.

Kurt Fuller

Why it should happen: From iconic performances as mayoral aide Jack Hardemeyer in Ghostbusters II to maniacal TV executive Tom Brell in the Hulk Hogan-starring vehicle No Holds Barred, Kurt Fuller has set the American film record for the most consecutive movies playing a creep or pervert. In fact, if you had told me about the Sandusky scandal without showing me a picture of Sandusky, my mind would have instinctively thought of Kurt Fuller in a robe exposing his left breast.

Creep Factor: 10 out of 10 If Kurt Fuller’s car broke down outside your house and he knocked on the door to ask to use the phone, would you open it? I rest my case.

Odds: 30/1 Unfortunately, I don’t think he has the name recognition. However, if the movie features Sandusky in a secondary role and focuses mainly on JoePa and the effects the scandal had on his life, a character actor like Fuller might be the way to go.

Christopher Walken

Why it should happen: I promise I’m not just going through the cast of The Deer Hunter and listing names, although I’m sure Meryl Streep would make an outstanding Jerry Sandusky. Chris Walken has always been a little off. We need our Sandusky to be a freak show. Can…you…imag…ine…the…portray…al…he…would…………………….give?

Creep Factor: 8 out of 10 Can anybody tell if Christopher Walken is fooling around with his schtick or if he really is a bizarre guy? That makes him even freakier.

Odds: 25/1 You can’t have the audience laughing every time Sandusky talks. Although the next time I get drunk, I’m totally going to do a Walken-as-Sandusky impression.

George Clooney

Why it should happen: The ladies need to stay entertained too. Just because somebody is a child predator doesn’t mean he can’t have chiseled good looks. Plus, Clooney always likes showing off his acting chops. If he could nail a role as far out his comfort zone as this one, nobody could ever deny that he isn’t one of the greatest actors ever.

Creep Factor: 2 out of 10 He’s so dreamy! Just don’t let him creep up on your girl.

Odds: 75/1 Clooney likes to be the hero and he’s not disgusting enough to play a monster like Sandusky.

Gerard Depardieu

Why it should happen: Gerard Depardieu has already proven that he could more than ably pull off a crazy, out-of-control menace. So what if our Sandusky has a thick French accent? Let’s shake things up a bit. Have you seen My Father, The Hero? That was a great movie. And are we sure that Sandusky and Depardieu aren’t brothers? You could have fooled me with that nose.

Creep Factor: 9 out of 10 The French accent really pushes him over the top.

Odds: 35/1 All you’d have to do is give this beret-wearer a couple bottles of wine and he will become Jerry Sandusky. It’s called method acting. It’s also how Andre the Giant prepared for Wrestlemania III. Too bad there won’t be a plane scene in the movie.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Why it should happen: The notorious PSH is a legitimately great actor. He isn’t afraid to take risks and won’t mind playing second banana to Pacino. All he needs to do is take his character from Boogie Nights and give him an obsession with underprivileged black kids instead of Mark Wahlberg.

Creep Factor: 6 out of 10 Give him football coach short shorts and I might run out of the theater. And have we ever decided if he ‘s albino or not? I wouldn’t want him to babysit my kids.

Odds: 8/1 A nice mix of acting and creepiness. Phillip Seymour Hoffman would do a great job with this role.

Al Pacino

Why it should happen: Al Pacino has already played Michael Corleone, Tony Montana, and Dr. Kevorkian. How is he going to top that? Simple. By being both Joe Paterno and Jerry Sandusky. Pacino loves changing the way he looks for his movies. Anyone remember Godfather III? Good because I don’t either, but if anyone can pull this off, it’s Al Pacino. Let’s get some green screens and CGI experts up in this bitch and make the greatest movie since The Nutty Professor.

Creep Factor: 7 out of 10 Nobody oscillates between brooding intensity and old-man-confusion like Al Pacino. He’s the type of guy that would yell at you for five minutes and then forget who you were. Pacino’s become too many of the characters he’s played over the years to really remember how the world functions, and that is a scary fucking thing.

Odds: 100/1 There’s a reason I’m not a Hollywood producer.

The Perfect Date Night

Posted: March 21, 2012 by phanatic417 in movies
Tags: ,

It’s Friday night’s eternal question: what to do for date night?

Especially in NYC there always seem to be endless options but they get to be just overwhelming enough to force us into dinner and a movie at the same theater and same restaurant we’ve been to a million times.  But this Friday let me make it easy on you and allow you to spice things up a bit by going to see the new (and already way over-hyped) Hunger Games come to life on the big screen.

At this point you’d have to be living under a rock to not know about it…the Lord-of-the-Flies-esque story from Suzanne Collins about a girl named Katniss who must battle to the death against 23 other kids between the ages of 12 and 18 for the honor of their district in a post-apocalyptic world.

It’s been compared to both Harry Potter and Twilight but it’s a unique story that can stand all on its own.  And in the movie version you’re lucky enough to have something for everyone – the tough chick with sex appeal (Katniss is being played by Jennifer Lawrence), a love triangle with 2 hunks (Liam Hemsworth and Josh Hutcherson), and gratuitous violence with pangs of sensitivity.  It’s a win-win for both parties of date night!

And if all your friends telling you, and the fact that they hold the top 3 spots on Amazon isn’t enough, perhaps seeing the movie will be an impetus to get the books and read an incredibly interesting, gripping trilogy so you can pass on the gospel to the next person.

Ryan Seacrest seems amused for about one second until he realizes his thousand-dollar tuxedo is ruined, just ruined! That’s what happens when you invite a brutal dictator like Admiral Aladeen to the red carpet.

As a kid growing up, two of my favorite movies were Independence Day and Dumb and Dumber. Now word out of Hollywood is that sequels are greenlit for both of them, with two in the works for ID4. If I was 12, I’d be ecstatic. Now I’m a little concerned that the new movies might tarnish the legacies of the originals. Dumb and Dumber had a horrible prequel but neither Jim Carrey nor Jeff Daniels were involved. The duo is supposed to reprise their roles as Harry and Lloyd with the Farrelly brothers attached to direct. Sounds like a can’t miss. I like it a lot.

The back-to-back Independence Day sequels may have a harder road to travel. For one, Will Smith may not participate in either movie unless Fox gives him his asking price of $50 million. That’s a lot of green but at the same time could you really have an Independence Day 2 without Capt. Stephen Hiller? Secondly, it’s a lot harder to elicit interest for a sci-fi movie that was released 15 years ago as opposed to a comedy. Typically, the two movies shot as one strategy tends to stretch scripts a bit thin and include too much filler. Matrix, anybody? Still, Independence Day is an epic movie and with director Roland Emmerich and producer Dean Devlin back at the helm, I’d give these movies more than a fighting chance. Hey, if Randy Quaid could take down that ship…

Entertainment Weekly

New York Magazine

Catching Hell

Posted: September 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Catching Hell, MLB, movies, Steve Bartman

I was disappointed with Catching Hell, the Steve Bartman documentary that aired on ESPN. For one, it didn’t focus exclusively on Bartman and spent a excessive amount of time profiling Bill Buckner. Yes, he and Bartman were both baseball scapegoats but in very different contexts. The movie was long enough as it is. With that said, the coverage surrounding Bartman was fantastic and interesting. Although we still don’t really have a clue what he’s up to, everything from the play to the few days after was really insightful and the new footage from that night is amazing.

Bartman really doesn’t deserve to be in exile for what happened, but I’m also sick of people defending him. “He was just doing what anyone would have done.” No, if you’re a real baseball fan sitting in the first row, you have to be aware of the game action and help your team, whether it’s Game 37 in May or Game 6 of the motherfucking Championship Series. That’s unacceptable as a sports fan. Unacceptable.

Alou certainly would have made the catch. If I’m in that spot, not only am I moving as far away from the ball as possible but I’m keeping all the jabronis around me from touching the ball (and it wasn’t just Bartman going for it). The Cubs were five outs away from the World Series! It amazes me that people would care so much about a stupid ball that they would forget the situation. Now Bartman can’t even use a credit card. The funny thing is that he made such a perfect scapegoat because he was such a nerd with his glasses and turtleneck and made such a lame play at the ball. It was like he had cystic fibrosis or something. If he was some gregarious guy who drunkenly knocked the ball away and laughed about it afterwards, I doubt we’d still remember his name.

Jabroni of the Week: Harry Potter Fanatics

Posted: July 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in Harry Potter, jabronis, movies

I don’t know much about Harry Potter except that he’s a British kid with magical powers. I also hear that the Harry Potter books are quite popular. I was never into wizards as a kid. I was more into Goosebumps (Night of the Living Dummy FTW) but I understand the appeal of Harry Potter to a kid. I could even see somebody in their 20’s checking out the movies and then reading the books as a novelty.

What I don’t get are the thousands and thousands of freaks who get dressed up and go see these movies at midnight. Even worse, Harry Potter is all they talk about and they inundate Facebook with comments that I don’t understand. What’s a dumbledore? The weirdos came out in full force this week. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s New Moon Part 2 (I think that’s the name) broke the all-time box office record for midnight showings on Friday. It wasn’t little kids that went to go see it. I saw the pictures. It was horrible.

Luckily, there is no more Harry Potter. If you have a job, you shouldn’t be dressing up in glasses, cape, wand, and scarf in public, unless it’s Halloween and you’re a slutty wizard. Kids are supposed to look up to us to set trends, not the other way around, again unless it’s Halloween and you’re a slutty schoolgirl. Let the kids have the fun. We can actually drink alcohol. At least Han Solo wasn’t 12-years-old and had crazy intergalactic sex with hooker aliens in Mos Eisley. I’ll dress like him everyday of the week before I see Harry Potter. Get a life. Or at least see the movie some afternoon in your normal clothes. Maybe even bring a date if you know any girls. Just don’t even think about starting this shit up with Hunger Games. Until then, you’re a jabroni, muggles.

Hasta La Vista, Cowboy

Posted: July 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in Arnold Schwarzenegger, movies, The Last Stand

Arnold Schwarzenegger has confirmed his first film role following his infidelity scandal and stint as Governor of California. He will be starring in The Last Stand, an old-fashioned western. I know that when I think of the Wild West, the first thing that comes into my head are Austrian bodybuilders. Arnold hasn’t had a non-Terminator hit since 1997’s Batman and Robin and let’s just say that it didn’t win any Oscars.

It seems like a smart, calculated move to come back in a gritty, under-the-radar action movie and it’s also hilarious to think of Arnold in a Western. That’s one of my favorite things about all of his movies. Not only is his accent never acknowledged, but he’s always made to be such an ordinary All-American guy. He’s just LAPD Detective John Kimble who’s going to teach kindergarten for a little bit! Who better to teach 5-year-olds than somebody with a thick accent? I was watching Total Recall last night (which is fucking awesome) where he plays Doug Quaid, a 22nd century construction worker who’s married to Sharon Stone. Just for once, can he play a character named Gunther Gufstafson or even have a backstory that he moved from Germany to hunt the man that killed his father? I get the feeling that it’s not going to be that way in The Last Stand.

Huffington Post

The Hangover: Part II

Posted: May 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in movies, The Hangover: Part II

It’s not that The Hangover: Part II wasn’t good. It was. I enjoyed it a lot. It was just missing that extra je ne sais quoi of the original. For the most part, sequels are never as good and I think the plan was to make this movie as different as possible while keeping the same premise by setting it in Bangkok. That was the problem.

Vegas was the fourth member of the Wolfpack. Although I’ve never blacked out and married a stripper, it seemed like something that could happen on a wild trip with your buddies. I just can’t see myself ever hanging with a drug-dealing monkey and kidnapping monks, no matter how many roofies or painkillers I take. In a weird way, The Hangover: Part II was too over-the-top although that’s what we loved about the first one. Then, we had a missing tooth; here, it was a missing finger. And there was way waaaaaaaaaay too much penis. In addition, the backstory that was eventually revealed seemed more random than the linear narrative that explained Doug’s disappearance in Part I.

With that said, The Hangover: Part II was still a solid flick. There were a lot of funny moments, however nothing as memorable as Alan’s toast on the roof of Caesar’s Palace or Mike Tyson and his tiger. The movie still didn’t miss a beat and the pace was quick. New characters and plot points were easily incorporated and Mr. Chow’s expanded role was great. But when I look back at The Hangover: Part II, there won’t be one hilarious moment I’ll remember. I wouldn’t mind seeing a third, but it should move back a little into the realm of reality. New York, anyone?

2 out of 4 shots


Nude Nuns With Big Guns is one of the latest film releases from Camelot Distribution Group, a B-movie company. The movie, about a nun who takes justice into her own hands while presumably naked, will potentially make Camelot a huge windfall. Not from ticket or video sales, but by suing 5,865 people who illegally downloaded the flick. If Camelot fully pursues every lawsuit, Nude Nuns can potentially make them over $850 million off a budget of $85,000. It’s a pretty shiesty move by Camelot, but the strategy is being used more often by small film and porn companies. Imagine being sued for downloading Nude Nuns With Big Guns. How do you explain that one to the wife? Concurrently, Camelot is being sued by its financier after it defaulted on a loan, so its ownership of the film is in doubt and the idiots facing their illegal downloading lawsuits will have a little more time to sweat it out. It’ll be interesting to see what happens with this case.


An Oscar For Fast Five

Posted: May 12, 2011 by Keith Stone in Fast Five, movies, Oscars, Vin Diesel

After 10 days in theaters, Fast Five has grossed over $300 million worldwide. That’s not a typo. $300 million. It was a great movie. The stunts. The story. The “acting.” When The Rock decided to join the gang in the heist, I nearly shed a tear. As I left the theater, only one thought went through my head: Oscar.

Great minds think alike. This is what Vin Diesel had to say on the matter: “I wouldn’t be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this. I don’t know, maybe I’m just biting off what some guy from Channel 7 thought. But sooner or later, people are gonna say, ‘Wait a minute, just because they are for the working class doesn’t mean they’re not great.'”

Obviously it’s a ridiculous notion, but the Oscars expanded to 10 Best Picture nominees to attract more interest. Nothing would bring in more viewers than Fast Five being in the mix. It wasn’t anything more than a popcorn flick but it did its job perfectly. Fast Five gave the audience exactly what it wanted. That has to count for something. In the scheme of things, movies are created to entertain us and Fast Five entertained the hell out of me. Why shouldn’t there be Oscar talk?

Los Angeles Times