Archive for the ‘Yankees’ Category

There couldn’t be two more different people in the world than Don Mattingly and Dennis Rodman. Donnie Baseball was a down-to-earth grinder whose well-rounded game could never get him over the hump. The Worm got by on his natural ability to get rebounds but squandered a bunch of his talent with his antics. He also wore a wedding dress to a book signing. But Rodzilla isn’t the only guy who can do it like RuPaul. Mattingly donned a wig, makeup, and a very large dress as Mother Ginger in his hometown Evansville, Indiana’s production of The Nutcracker. Mattingly figured it was all in good fun. It’s just a good thing he’s shaved the ‘stache.

Not to be outdone, Rodman got a bit made up himself for a recent NBA legends game in Macau, China. Yes, he played the entire game looking like a bloated Disney character. I’m sure Larry Johnson enjoyed getting paint all over himself every time he went up for a rebound and had to box out Avatar‘s worst nightmare.

These are two legends that aren’t afraid to get freaky, but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

Big Lead


A-Rod Is Enjoying His Winter

Posted: November 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in A-Rod, baseball, MLB, Yankees

A-Rod was spotted in Miami last week chilling with, um, some very agile friends with nice quads. Hey, do you guys think he has a type?

Oh, That Steinbrenner

Posted: October 27, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, George Steinbrenner, MLB, Yankees

If you have a little bit of downtime or are going to be on the can for awhile, Deadspin published the interesting story of gambler Howie Spira, who got George Steinbrenner banned from baseball for life in 1990 for agreeing to give him dirt on Dave Winfield. It’s definitely worth a read. Here’s my favorite part:

From his room in the Bay Harbor Inn, Howie could see the lights of the city sparkling. Steinbrenner owned the hotel, which was near the offices of the American Ship Building Company, the business Steinbrenner inherited from his father and would shepherd into bankruptcy in 1993. Howie was scheduled to meet the Yankees owner at the AmShip offices the following afternoon. He didn’t expect to hear a knock at his door. Not at this hour. But someone was knocking.

Howie opened the door. This is how he told the story: In the hallway was a stunning woman in a miniskirt, haltertop, and thigh-high stiletto boots. She handed Howie her card: Donna, International Hostesses.

“I’m a gift from Mr. Steinbrenner,” she said. “I’m here to fuck you and suck the cum out of your cock.”

The next day, Howie strolled into Steinbrenner’s office. “Was last night OK?” Steinbrenner asked. His manner was winking, as it would be in such a scene. Howie, the protagonist, responded with a grin and a double thumbs-up.


Yankees Universe Kills Khadafy

Posted: October 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, Khadafy, MLB, Yankees

Everyone knows that Yankee fans are the most dominant force in the world. Well, today Moammar Khadafy found out the hard way. The deposed ruler of Libya was shot and killed in his hometown of Sirte by a young fighter in his 20’s. What was that fighter wearing? That’s right, a Yankees cap. It’s too bad A.J. Burnett wasn’t there to give this guy some pie. No seriously, I wish A.J. Burnett was in Libya. If we can’t win the World Series, at least we can take out one of the biggest killers the world has known. Simply put, the Yanks run shit from the Bronx to Tripoli. The freedom fighter wearing the Red Sox cap was apparently eating fried lamb and smoking hookah back in the bunker.

This one’s for you, Colonel.


Jabroni of the Week: Kate Hudson

Posted: October 9, 2011 by Keith Stone in A-Rod, baseball, jabronis, Kate Hudson, MLB, Yankees

The Yankees are now 0-2 since Kate Hudson and A-Rod broke up. You can’t blame Alex for striking out the bases loaded or for striking out to end both of the last two seasons. He’s a dependent fuck. I blame Kate Hudson. So what if all the tabloids said he broke up with her? Maybe it’s up to the Yankees Universe to get them back together. It’ll be like a metrosexual Latino version of The Parent Trap.

I mean, come one! Really, Kate? You were the MVP of the 2009 World Series (sorry, Matsui). I don’t care that you have a new guy. Muse sucks anyway. A-Rod cannot survive without you. Cameron Diaz is not a suitable replacement. I’m sure that’s what he was thinking with two outs in the ninth, “Boy, I sure miss Kate.” A-ROD DOESN’T HIT IN THE CLUTCH WITHOUT YOU!

Please come back, Kate. You would be the Yankees’ most valuable free agent signing. Brian Cashman should take a big bouquet of flowers to the set of whatever crappy rom-com you’re filming and refuse to leave until you agree to get back with A-Rod. It doesn’t even have to be now. You can wait till August or September or whenever he gets off his inevitable stint on the DL. Don’t tell me you don’t miss those blue lips just a little. I just can’t take losing to another random team before the World Series anymore. I better see you at the Stadium in 2012, Kate. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

You Have No Marbles: The 2011 Yankees Postmortem

Posted: October 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB, Yankees

During Game 5, I was sitting behind a guy who was wearing a rabbit sock puppet and would make it jump around with the music. The rabbit was wearing glasses and a Yankees hat. Surprisingly, the guy was there alone. When the Yankees went down 3-0, he switched over to a squirrel, then went back to the rabbit for the later innings. He should have stayed with the squirrel.

Sometimes you just have a bad day and can’t get over the hump. That’s what happened to the Yanks. You can’t dwell on it. From the collective failures of A-Rod, Teixeira, and Nick Swisher to Nova’s injury, Girardi’s overmanaging, and eventually CC’s vincibility out of the bullpen, it just wasn’t our year. I’m blaming the sock puppet.


The problem with the Yankees is that, with the exception of Robbie Cano, there just isn’t anybody with any huevos. We need guys with big, hairy huevos. When everyone is hitting, it’s all sunshine and gumdrops, but when the team is in a jam, it gets tighter than Sean Penn’s butthole. Of course the problem is that especially in the Division Series, one or two bad pitches can put the entire season in a precarious position. We learned that before Ivan Nova had thrown 10 pitches.

Tino Martinez, Paul O’Neill, and Bernie Williams didn’t have the natural talent like the guys on this year’s squad but when the going got tough, you know you could always count on them to get a big hit or even just draw a walk. I can’t even imagine them leaving this many guys on base or striking out with the bases loaded during a do-or-die game. For all the talk about baseball being a stats game, real fans know there’s a lot more that goes into a Championship team.

The 2012 Yankees will be bringing back most of this team. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing. They won 97 games with their cleanup hitter missing a signifant amount of time. Despite the fact that he was anti-clutch in the playoffs, A-Rod did have an injury excuse. He was battling knee and finger issues at the end of the season, and still managed to get good wood on a few balls against the Tigers. If a few drop, we’re not talking about him as a goat.

The pitching rotation was also a huge question mark during the season and should be Brian Cashman’s #1 priority. CC Sabathia will likely opt out of his current contract, but will stay with the team for a bigger deal. Nova is fine, but is young and shouldn’t be relied upon as the Yankees’ second starter. Matt Cain has been mentioned as a possible target and the Giants might be willing to give him up since they scored about 38 runs this season.

The most likely change to the lineup will come in right field. Nick Swisher has a reasonable option for 2012 but hasn’t shown up in the playoffs for each of the past three years. Might he be a possible trade chip? Not to say that he’s overvalued, but I think the spotlight of New York raises his demand more than if he played in Kansas City.

Jorge Posada is also a probable goner although he played valiantly in October. Jesus Montero should handle DH duties but could serve as trade bait along with pitching prospects Manny Banuelos and Dellin Betances. Cashman has shown to be patient in recent years, holding onto Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain (remember him?) but dealing Ian Kennedy, who is now one of the best pitchers in the Majors.

The 2011 Yankees were a disappointment and a failure, but that’s obviously not a reason to blow up this team. With a bounce here or there, a little luck on the injury front, and an addition or two to the pitching staff, they will no doubt be contenders for the 2012 Crown. However, as we learned, you never know what exactly will be the tipping point. Or maybe it’s all on the rabbit.

This is it! Eminem can’t save Detroit. A government bailout can’t save Detroit. Al Albuquerque can’t save Detroit. Mike Francesa doesn’t even know who he is. This is the Bronx. This is tradition. This is Mystique and Aura. Supernova may be a rook but he’s like Andy Pettitte reincarnate. Doug Fister’s not going to even know what fisted him. The momentum is on the Yankees’ side. All they have to do is deliver.

Yankees 10, Tigers 1. Series tied 2-2

A.J. for Cy Young!!! As much as his season sucked, he pretty much justified his being on the team with just this one start. I always knew he could do it (with a little help from Grandy of course). What two insane defensive plays. Either ball drops in and the season is possibly fucked. The first one was a nice recovery after starting in the wrong direction, but the second one was just him going all-out and not wanting to go home for the winter. Everyone played great D knowing that they had to have A.J.’s back. That’s a team. It was all clicking. Even A-Rod and Teixeira got hits. Hopefully, the momentum carries over to Game 5. We just need another solid start from the Supernova and to chip away at Fister until the Tigers bullpen hits the mound. Mystique and Aura better pick out some nice outfits because the Stadium is going to be rocking on Thursday. Al Alburquerque, come out and plaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy!

So what if A.J. Burnett is taking the mound tonight? It’s not like the Yankees are going up against Cy Young. It’s Rick Fucking Porcello. He had a 4.75 ERA this season. The Yankees have the most dominant lineup in baseball. A-Rod and Teixeira will snap out of it. They just need a little luck. They’re not gonna win if everyone’s crying and complaining about the last two games. The past is the past. The only thing that matters is this one game right now. Let’s all send our good vibes to A.J. He doesn’t need to be incredible. If he can get through five innings without giving up a ton of runs, it’ll be enough. I’m not giving up.

Tigers 5, Yankees 4. Tigers lead series 2-1

That was a big one. CC didn’t bring his stuff. Neither did Verlander, but he got his shit together. I thought that the ump was squeezing CC and gave Verlander a much bigger strike zone but maybe I’m just bitter. It’s so tough to lose after clawing back to tie the game in the 7th especially on a weak home run like that. The Tigers really made the best of their opportunities. When they get somebody on base, they drive them in. The Yankees seem tight. They need to loosen up, especially A-Rod and Teixeira. They’re getting good wood on the ball and hopefully the hits will start coming. A.J. is next…