Archive for the ‘BOSTON SUCKS’ Category

It’s the end of the year so let’s look back at some of the best moments in The Suite (and give Stone a break). This was originally published on June 15 with the Stanley Cup hanging in the balance.

It’s time to finally, finally end hockey season. I’m coming to you live from the Rainman Suite with Charlie Sheen, Jenna Haze, Lanny Barby, Tiffany Taylor, Alexis Texas, and briefcase full of cocaine. OK, actually I have a belly fully full of Chinese food and a six-pack of Labatts. This game is huge. Neither team has won the Stanley Cup in nearly 40 years and Vancouver has never won it. Also, the last time they lost a Finals Game 7, there was a massive riot. As John Davidson would say, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh baby!” GAME 7!

8:02-We see the Stanley Cup make its grand entrance into the arena in a silver SUV. You’d think it’d be rolling in a Hummer limo or something.

8:03-Dan Patrick is hosting the pregame show because……………

8:04-Pierre McGuire interviews Patrice Bergeron who has a massive playoff beard. Yet another reason to love hockey. Playoff beards.

8:06-A Boston fan told Dan Patrick, “We didn’t lose to the British, and we’re not losing to British Columbia.” Those Bostonians are so clever.

8:11-There’s so much at stake tonight. If Boston wins, they’d have won every Championship in the past seven years. The last thing we need is those pink hat-wearing frontrunning douchebags to pull off the feat. Let the negative karma flow.

8:13-There’s an exterior shot of the arena. The streets are entirely packed. It’s only 5PM in Vancouver. It’s going to be wild tonight no matter what. Imagine leaving work and hitting that traffic. Did they even work today?

8:16-A guy in a tux sings the American national anthem. There’s a smattering of boos. Don’t boo the anthem, people.

8:17-They have a separate guy for “O Canada.” He’s a disheveled, fat man. I think he’s homeless.

8:18-My friend Naitch just showed up. He’s the only Canadian I know in New York. We are wearing identical shirts with the Canadian maple leaf on them from Bret Hart Appreciation Night at the Garden. He brought Tim Horton’s but I stopped short of hanging up a Canadian flag.

8:20-Naitch likes Pierre McGuire’s early intensity. He thinks he’s the best sideline reporter since Mike Adamle.


WEEK 75 – Deja Vu

Posted: November 6, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, BOSTON SUCKS, football, Giants, New England Patriots, NFL

Giants 24, Patriots 20

What a great game. Both teams, give yourselves a round of applause. OK Tom Brady, you can leave now. I mean, it looked like the Giants’ hopes were pinned on Eli but I don’t think anyone could have expected him to respond the way he did. Two game-winning touchdowns in the last 3:03! He won the game, and then after Brady went down the field, he won the fucking game again. Did I mention that he did it without his top rusher and receiver? And how about Brandon Jacobs running hard for the first time all season? Looks like he’s going to be a force for the rest of the year.

The entire team just came together. It was such a great win. Jake Ballard is money at tight end. Who needs Kevin Boss? Manningham and Cruz just kept doing their thing, and Ramses Barden had a few nice plays. The offensive line has finally solidified into a competent unit and Eli had plenty of time to throw. The D was also great. The Tuck-Osi-JPP hydra attacked Brady from beginning to end and Wes Welker didn’t do any real damage.

The amazing thing is that it was probably closer than it needed to be. If Aaron Ross doesn’t fumble that punt, who knows if the Pats ever get going. They were playing like garbage up to that point. Of course, Eli’s INT in the end zone was horrible and also gave New England momentum. The problem wasn’t so much the pick, but it was the delay of game beforehand. It seems like half the time the Giants get on the goal line, they get a silly penalty to turn a sure score into a much harder proposition. Whenever they have their opponents on the ropes, they let up just a little bit and let them back in the game. So far it hasn’t hurt them much, but you’re not going to go far in the playoffs that way.

Overall, an awesome win and a great way to start the “hard” part of the schedule.  Luckily, nobody was injured and the team’s only going to get healthier. Brandon Jacobs can finally be a viable part of the offense and give the Giants a much needed extra dimension, and obviously Eli proved that he can win a game anywhere, anytime. Funny that it was Tom Brady who was whining and throwing stuff on the sidelines and Eli flawlessly leading his team to victory. The only way it would have been better was if David Tyree was involved.

Behind the Collapse

Posted: October 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, MLB, Sox

The details are starting to leak about the 2011 Red Sox epic Septemebr failure and it ain’t pretty. In other words, I love it! It’s like Days of Our Lives. Tito Francona was addicted to pain pills after he separated from his wife and spent the second half of the season living in a hotel. Beckett, Lackey, and Lester spent entire games in the clubhouse drinking beer, eating fried chicken, and playing video games. What happened to the idiots cowboying up? I thought that’s how they did it in Red Sox Nation? Ownership tried to make nice with the players by buying them $300 headphones. Is T.J. Lavin running the team? Jacoby Ellsbury only spoke to Jed Lowrie. Adrian Gonzalez whined about playing too many ESPN games. Kevin Youkilis’s evil twin poisoned him. I only made one of those up.

Honestly, I’m not buying most of it. Who cares if Jason Veritek or David Ortiz weren’t leaders or the pitching staff wasn’t in the dugout during games? This isn’t basketball or football where having real chemistry brings a team success. In baseball, you go up and you hit. If you’re mad at your teammates, it really shouldn’t affect anything. It always seems like it does, though.

Boston Globe

Paging Dr. Heimlich

Posted: September 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, MLB, Sox

The Red Sox capped off the greatest collapse in baseball history with an epic ending involving not one, but two games finishing within minutes of each other. Throw in the pretty impressive Phillies-Braves game and you had a pretty insane night of baseball. As for Sox fans, now they can spend October watching the leaves change color in their pretty little pink hats without having to worry about missing a game. How do you lose to the Orioles with your season on the line!?!?!?!?!?!? Nice work in the ninth, Papelbon. And Crawford botching the final play was the icing on the cake of an embarrassing 2011 season. At least he’s getting like $120 million over the next six years. The 1927 Yankees the Red Sox are not.

The past week has been big for New York GM’s. At an announcement in Philadelphia for the upcoming Winter Classic between the Rangers and Flyers, Glen Sather was a one-man show. Doing his best to to channel Gary Peyton and Miss Cleo, he declared that not only would the Blueshirts win the Winter Classic, but would win the Stanley Cup. To rub it in Philly’s fat craw even more, he also threw in that the Yankees would win the World Series. In case you’re keeping track at home, this is the first ever cross-sports Title guarantee. I loved it but next time, how about a little love for the G-Men?

Over in the Bronx, Brian Cashman revealed that although he wined and dined Carl Crawford in the offseason, he had no desire to sign the outfielder. He was just driving his price up for the Red Sox. Cashman said, “Everybody kept writing Crawford, Crawford, Crawford, Crawford. And I was like, ‘I feel like we’ve got Carl Crawford in Brett Gardner, except he costs more than $100 million less.” The Sox eventually signed the .255 hitter for the GDP of a mid-size nation. That’s real moneyball, people. Then, although I cannot confirm this, I like to think he was the one that leaked the news to TMZ that John Lackey was getting a divorce from his cancer-stricken wife. Who does he think he is, Larry David? Lackey received a text message from a member of the media before his start in a losing effort, which doesn’t look like it helped in Boston’s last gasp for the playoffs. It was all Brian Cashman! He has proven how devious he can be!

These are two scheming, genius General Managers, but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

Tom Cabral, Man’s Man

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, Man's Man, MLB, Sox, Yankees

Erik Bedard was preparing to pitch on Tuesday for the Red Sox when he was served with papers for a child support case by Tom Cabral, a Yankees fan. Cabral used the opportunity to not only do his job but help his favorite team; he wore a Yankees shirt while doing the deed. Bedard couldn’t even manage to get out of the third inning that night, giving up four runs and hastening Boston’s September collapse.

I’m not surprised somebody on the Sox would be having legal problems, especially something having to do with paying child support, but what a genius move by Cabral. He served Bedard at Fenway Park a few hours before his start! He was like, “You’re a bad dad and your team is an embarrassing piece of garbage. Good luck on your start tonight!” There was no chance he was going to win.

Of course, Bedard’s babymama didn’t even have his address so Fenway was the only place to find him.  What is this, Kentucky? Actually, yes, this chick was from Kentucky. Stay classy, Boston. Your playoff hopes are resting partially on the shoulder of a hick who is trying to run out on his child support. For proving once again that the Yankees have the smartest fans in baseball, Tom Cabral, you are a man’s man.

NY Post

BOSTON SUCKS Day Is A Huge Success

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, New England Patriots, Sox

Once again, those idiots in Boston have to hang their heads in shame for coming up short against New York. Leave those pink hats at home today people because the Yanks and Giants rocked your ass. I’m sure you’re crying in your chowdah and saying to yourself, “It’s all gonna be OK. We’re still in first place.”

Well, it’s not. A.J. Burnett is back in business, Jesus Montero is going to be Shane Spencer Part Deux, and it doesn’t fucking matter if you win the season series or beat CC three times. We’re the Yankees. You think Derek Jeter is freaking out because you won 11 out of 15 against us? He’s got five rings and is literally hooking up with more hot chicks than there are in the City of Boston. Beanheads, you are fucked. And hey Belichick, gotta work on that fake punt defense.


Posted: September 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, New England Patriots, PLAXICOOOOOO!!!!!!!, Sox

Tonight, the Yankees and Football Giants are on the road to take on the Red Sox and Patriots, respectively. I can’t think of anything better to do than arbitrarily call this BOSTON SUCKS Day. I just can’t wait till A.J. Burnett throws a no-hitter and David Carr outduels Brian Hoyer. The superiority of New York will be proven once and for all!!!!! Here’s a little something to whet your appetite and remember, there’s no crying in football.

It’s not a secret that Rajon Rondo isn’t a good shooter and was especially bad at the end of last season. Many blamed the trade of his best friend Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma City. It’s a lame excuse but Shaq’s impending Pulitzer Prize-winning memoir Shaq Uncut contains another explanation. Shaq contends that at a fundraiser in March, President Obama himself made fun of Rondo by asking marksman Ray Allen, “Hey, Ray, why don’t you teach this kid how to shoot?” Shaq believes that sensitive young soul that he is, Rondo went into an months-long shooting slump after being called out by the President.

When Obama leaves the White House, he can sit next to me at every Knicks-Celtics game. And when LeBron’s in the house. It’s just too bad he doesn’t have this power in the political arena. “Hey, Ray, why don’t you teach unemployment how to shoot?”


Boston Worst-Dressed City In America

Posted: July 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in BOSTON SUCKS, fashion

Add fashion to the long list of things that Boston is horrible at. Boston was named the least-fashionable city by GQ. Not only that, but they were absolutely eviscerated by the magazine. It’s better than anything I could ever say, so here is the excerpt in its entirety:

“Boston is like America’s Bad-Taste Storm Sewer: all the worst fashion ideas from across the country flow there, stagnate, and putrefy. To be fair, it’s hard to be a fashion capital when half of your population is made up of undergraduate hoodie monsters, including those unfortunate coeds who don’t realize that leggings-as-pants were supposed to be paired with tops large enough to conceal their cameltoes. Yet when they graduate, they can wear their Uggs and still fit in at the country’s largest frat party on Lansdowne behind Fenway, where they can take breaks between body shots to admire just how long boot-cut jeans can stay in style in one place. And any classy lady from Beantown is bound to be impressed by formal sportswear. “But Boston is the epicenter of prep style!,” you say? That’s true, but it’s with a little extra that ends up ruining everything: Khakis!—with pleats. Boat shoes!—with socks. Knit ties!—actually, no one in Boston seems to have ever seen one of these. For the more proletarian-minded, there are the modest little burgs of Cambridge and Somerville, where everyone dresses like the proprietor of his or her very own meth lab. If you wonder how a people can live like this, well, it’s Jurassic Park for fashion troglodytes: life finds a way.”

Cameltoes? More like rhinocerostoes. Get it, ’cause Boston chicks are fat and repulsive? And that’s why I don’t write for GQ. Yanks vs. Sox in Boston on August 5th. Wear something nice, kids.