It’s the end of the year so let’s look back at some of the best moments in The Suite (and give Stone a break). This was originally published on June 15 with the Stanley Cup hanging in the balance.
It’s time to finally, finally end hockey season. I’m coming to you live from the Rainman Suite with Charlie Sheen, Jenna Haze, Lanny Barby, Tiffany Taylor, Alexis Texas, and briefcase full of cocaine. OK, actually I have a belly fully full of Chinese food and a six-pack of Labatts. This game is huge. Neither team has won the Stanley Cup in nearly 40 years and Vancouver has never won it. Also, the last time they lost a Finals Game 7, there was a massive riot. As John Davidson would say, “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh baby!” GAME 7!
8:02-We see the Stanley Cup make its grand entrance into the arena in a silver SUV. You’d think it’d be rolling in a Hummer limo or something.
8:03-Dan Patrick is hosting the pregame show because……………
8:04-Pierre McGuire interviews Patrice Bergeron who has a massive playoff beard. Yet another reason to love hockey. Playoff beards.
8:06-A Boston fan told Dan Patrick, “We didn’t lose to the British, and we’re not losing to British Columbia.” Those Bostonians are so clever.
8:11-There’s so much at stake tonight. If Boston wins, they’d have won every Championship in the past seven years. The last thing we need is those pink hat-wearing frontrunning douchebags to pull off the feat. Let the negative karma flow.
8:13-There’s an exterior shot of the arena. The streets are entirely packed. It’s only 5PM in Vancouver. It’s going to be wild tonight no matter what. Imagine leaving work and hitting that traffic. Did they even work today?
8:16-A guy in a tux sings the American national anthem. There’s a smattering of boos. Don’t boo the anthem, people.
8:17-They have a separate guy for “O Canada.” He’s a disheveled, fat man. I think he’s homeless.
8:18-My friend Naitch just showed up. He’s the only Canadian I know in New York. We are wearing identical shirts with the Canadian maple leaf on them from Bret Hart Appreciation Night at the Garden. He brought Tim Horton’s but I stopped short of hanging up a Canadian flag.
8:20-Naitch likes Pierre McGuire’s early intensity. He thinks he’s the best sideline reporter since Mike Adamle.
8:22-Enjoying the Tim Horton’s. Vancouver is aggressive from the start. There’s an ad on the board for something called Boston Pizza. The word Boston is crossed out and replaced with “Vancouver.” Classic.
8:23-There’s a player named Weiner. Doc Emerich just called him “a pinching Weiner.” He should run for Congress.
8:24-The puck is loose in Luongo’s crease! Boston can’t stuff it in. This is followed by a nice play by Henrik Sedin blocked by Tim Thomas.
8:27-The Tim Horton’s donut holes are called Timbits. Crazy Canadians. I’ve eaten like 10 Timbits so far.
8:29-Another close call in Vancouver’s crease but Luongo gets it out. I wish I could bet that Vancouver would win by 1. Probably in overtime.
8:30-Henrik Sedin takes an off-balanced backhand shot that almost goes in but Thomas holds on. NOBODY CAN SCORE IN VANCOUVER!
8:33-Naitch mentions that Vancouver has more American players and Boston has more Canadians. And Lincoln was Kennedy’s Secretary and Kennedy was Lincoln’s Secretary. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
8:35-Just got a text from my friend Canookie. She’s in Vancouver. She says, “The bar I’m at is standing room only, totally packed. People are going crazy in a good way.” More updates to come.
8:37-Pierre McGuire reports on a player’s injured hand but won’t tell us which one it is. That’s some good reporting, kid. Naitch and I are talking and can’t understand who it is anyway.
8:40-I love seeing the different ads on the boards in Canadian arenas. Canadian Tire? Rogers? Esso? Save On Foods? Mr. Lube? Viagra.ca? WTF?
8:42-A Discover Card commercial features the guy that watches the Stanley Cup. Naitch says the guy yelled at him once for lifting the Cup at a golf outing. Awesome.
8:43-Marchand shoots the puck into the middle. It gets through and Bergeron scores. 1-0 Bruins. It’s the playoff beard.
8:44-The Canucks manage to get a 2-on-0 breakaway on a broken play but Thomas stops it. He’s looking good.
8:46-John Hancock has about the lamest commercial ever. I want to see a Vancouver Pizza commercial.
8:47-Canookie texts, “The bar is very quiet.” Yikes.
8:49-Pierre McGuire has a guest in his little box. It’s former Rangers backup goalie Glenn Healy! The ’94 Rangers are well-represented tonight with Healy and Eddie Olczyk doing color.
8:50-Blake Sheldon is on The Tonight Show tonight. Goodie!
8:54-Pizza Hut is sponsoring the intermission report. No love for Vancouver Pizza.
8:55-Just opened my second Labbats. Game 7! Winner gets the Cup, loser goes home!
8:56-End of the first. Lots of action. Exciting period. Naitch and I are pleased. Vancouver had more chances but Boston converted. 1-0 B’s.
8:59-Jay Mohr is hosting the NHL Awards Ceremony at the Palms. High comedy. This is one thing the NHL has over the other leagues. Why can’t we have an NBA Awards Ceremony? I would watch this.
9:02-Oh hey, it’s a commercial for The Playboy Club. Naitch says he thinks it’ll be cancelled after three episodes. I say two.
9:03-NBC just showed its second commercial for Mr. Popper’s Penguins in 2 minutes. Looks like they did a nice job selling ad space. I love Jim Carrey, but uh oh.
9:06-If there’s one thing I want to watch, it’s a montage of Boston Championship parades. Naitch was rooting for Boston before since he’s from Toronto, but he’s rooting for Vancouver now.
9:10-Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm Timbits. I’m moving to Canada. Anywhere but Quebec.
9:14-Why do they call it the Stanley Cup Final? There should be an “s” dammit!
9:15-They throw it to Pierre. Glenn Healy does his best to look busy.
9:17-MARCHAND OFF THE POST!
9:18-Burrows has a point blank chance but the puck jumped over his stick! Fate is cruel. Naitch says he would have put it in.
9:19-Time for my third Labbats. GAME 7!
9:23-Naitch decides he wants to see a riot. He’s rooting for Boston again.
9:25-Vancouver is getting a lot of good chances but Thomas is stopping everything. Naitch says he’s like the girl he took to the prom.
9:27-Canookie texts that the bar is very hopeful and they have heart. Let’s see what happens in the third period.
9:29-Burrows gets the puck all by himself but holds onto it and it’s blocked by Thomas. So close!
9:30-Naitch wants to know if the Anaheim Ducks have retired Gordon Bombay’s number.
9:32-Finished my third Lebatts. Naitch brought some Coors Light since it’s owned by Molson. I don’t really get the logic but I love beer. GAME 7!
9:33-Pierre is interviewing B’s coach Claude Julien. I hate coach interviews. They serve no purpose. All I want to do is watch the game.
9:35-Luongo gets caught out of position and Marchand scores on a wrap-around. 2-0 B’s. Naitch wants to know if this is Pee Wee hockey.
9:36- The instant replay shows that Luongo stopped the puck but knocked it in. Bring in the backup!
9:40-The Canucks are relentless but can’t put it in. Still they draw the first power play of the game. Here’s their chance.
9:45-Naitch says, “Don Cherry warns about the two-goal lead.”
9:46-The Canucks don’t have to worry about the two-goal lead because Bergeron scores a weak shorthanded goal on a breakaway.
9:47-But wait! There’s a review. Did Bergeron push the puck into the goal with his hand? Nope. 3-0 B’s.
9:48-The guy running the PA system responds to the Boston goal by playing Blow by Ke$ha. Things are slowly slipping away.
9:50-The crowd is trying to get the Canucks back into it, but it’s understandably stunned.
9:51-End of the second. 3-0 B’s. Naitch says there’s only coach that can rally the Canucks and his name is Gordon Bombay.
9:53-Tom Hanks’s new movie looks terrible. It looks like somebody just said, “Let’s get Hanks and Julia Roberts together again! We don’t need a script!”
9:55-I can’t tell if Whitney Cummings is hot. I’m still not going to watch her new show.
9:58-I love it when they show anti-smoking ads that basically consist of cancerous organs. I DON’T SMOKE! DON’T SHOW ME A HEART FILLED WITH PLAQUE!
10:00-The big park in Vancouver is named Stanley Park. Naitch informs me that a lot of drug deals take place there. Not a good sign.
10:01-Keith Jones informs us that he would have used his time oot soon. Time oot! Canada!
10:03-If the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games taught us anything, it’s that changing uniforms in the second intermission is basically a guarantee for a Championship. Let’s go back to black and yellow Canucks jerseys, everybody!
10:07-I’ve seen several trailers for The Green Lantern and I still can’t figure out what it’s about. I’d rather watch Larry Crowne.
10:12-Naitch says that this is the quietest Vancouver has been since that Georgian luger died. Too soon?
10:15-In a super slo mo replay, we see that Thomas hit a Canuck in the face with his stick. No call. GAME 7!
10:17-Yanick Hansen gets called for a penalty on a cheap hit after he took a high stick from Zdeno Chara. This is not looking good.
10:20- The Canucks only have one chance: Flying V.
10:24-My cousin from Montreal just sent me an E-mail. I recognized the word “Canucks” but that’s it. I wish I knew French.
10:26-Naitch and I want to know more about the guy that takes care of the Stanley Cup. Does he bring girls back to his hotel with the greatest pickup line ever, “Hey, you want to see the Stanley Cup?” Guy must do great in Canada.
10:29-I wonder if Sedin translates to “LeBron” in Swedish.
10:31-Milan Lucic gets called for hooking. I wonder if Gary Bettman paid off the refs. 8 minutes left.
10:33-Burrows takes an hard elbow to the face. The Rock would have been proud. No call. Maybe there should have been. 7 minutes left.
10:38-There is no way the rioters will leave any Boston Pizzas standing in Vancouver tonight. 5 minutes left.
10:39-Eddie O says, “You have to tip you have to helmet to the Boston Bruins.” Will do Eddie! 4 minutes left.
10:40-Luongo is pulled. 3 minutes left.
10:41-Marchand scores an empty-netter. To any shopkeepers in downtown Vancouver, better bolt the doors. 2 minutes left.
10:43-It just hit me. Boston is going to win the Stanley Cup. Ugh. This is worse than hooking up with a fat chick. 1 minute left.
10:44-The Vancouver fans are still waving their towels. Great fans. 30 seconds left.
10:45-The Boston Bruins are Stanley Cup Champions.
10:46-Ryan Kessler is crying. I hate seeing grown men crying. My eyes are tearing up. Allergies.
10:48-Thomas and Luongo shake hands. Doc says, “They will meet again in Las Vegas.” The NHL Awards Ceremony!
10:50-At least the Bruins’ hats are ugly!
10:51-We learn that Tim Thomas is from Flint, Michigan. Home of the Tropics!
10:52-The blonde guy brings out the Stanley Cup. Naitch is not impressed.
10:53-Vancouver is booing the Stanley Cup. A lot. Gary Bettman is awkward.
10:54-Chara accepts the Cup. Doc says, “This will be the highest it has ever been held.” What about the time Wayne Gretzky took it in a hot air balloon?
10:55-Chara passes it to Mark Recchi. You can hear him say, “Fucking yeah!” Take that, censors.
10:56-Vancouver shouldn’t have booed the National Anthem.
10:58-And the Vancouver fans are sticking around. Isn’t this like watching another dude bang your girlfriend? Leave the arena and start rioting already. Stop booing the Cup. The Bruins don’t care.
11:02-Boston sucks. Hockey is awesome. Better luck next year, Canada.
11:09-And the last word from Canookie, “Apparently some people are bburning their jersies. Ifm a litle drunk. Apparenly soem flippd cars. I see 3 helicopters.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Let’s just hope she makes it home safely.
Rainman Suite 