Archive for the ‘Philly sucks’ Category

WEEK 77 – The Walking Dead

Posted: November 21, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, Dream Team, football, Giants, NFL, Philly sucks

Dream Team 17, Giants 10

The Walking Dead has a great premise and a ton of potential. The six episodes of the first season were action-packed and fast-moving. Then, it stopped. Actually it didn’t stop. It just started moving very sloooooooooowly. It’s like the writers said, “Hey, we have a cool show here. People like zombies. Let’s stretch the second season out for 13 episodes, and add some more dialogue. That’s exactly what people want to see on a show about zombies! More dialogue!”

The Giants coaching staff must be big fans of The Walking Dead. The team has a lot of talent, but seem content not using it. If you’re running a show about zombies, let’s see some dismembering. If you’re running a football team, lets see some touchdowns. Just because you have something good on your hands, doesn’t mean you can sit back and expect success.

The Giants are never going to reach the next level if they’re not playing to win. The play calling has been so conservative this year. I feel like I’m beating a dead horse every week. I’m sick of running on 2nd and 8. The offensive line was flat out bad yesterday. Try to be a little creative. Hey, I know! How about a screen pass? How about Eli just chucks it 50 yards and hopes that Manningham comes down with it? It’s better than Brandon Jacobs crashing into the line and getting two yards a play. You have to keep the defense on their toes.

And where did the defensive line go? Vince Young looked awful at the start of the game. Just keep blitzing him. The Giants have never been a good coverage team. Their strength has always been not only rushing the passer, but bringing different types of pressure to keep him off guard. They did none of that yesterday. Young had time to get comfortable and by the end of the game, he was zinging the ball through in the middle of the field and was able to take advantage of the guys filling in at linebacker.

Of course, Eli still had the crew looking like they were going to send things to overtime, but there was just one offensive line gaffe too many. It’s like when I was in college, I used to always wait till the last second to write my papers. Most of the time, they were great, but every once in a while, I just ran out the time and had to hand in a piece of shit. Time ran out yesterday.

The Giants can’t be happy with mediocrity. They’re better than most of the teams they’ve player. They need to loosen up and take some chances. It’s not like they practiced the Helmet Catch beforehand. Pretty soon they really will be the walking dead.

As I was leaving the Stadium, I got stuck on the escalator behind a Santa Claus-looking guy with his shirt off. His entire back was tattooed with an enormous Eagles logo, uniform numbers, and various events in their history. I was forced to look at this the whole way down. It wasn’t a pleasant way to end the night.

Breaking News: Occupy Philly Is Garbage

Posted: October 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in Occupy Wall Street, Philly sucks

Add this to the long list of things Philadelphia falls short of New York in. Our football (besides the Jets) is better. Our baseball (besides the Mets) is better. And our protests against corporate greed are better. Occupy Wall Street has raised almost a half a million dollars since it started nearly five weeks ago. As a result, protesters are eating well and maintain a decent lifestyle despite living outside in a cramped park. Now it seems like the revolutionaries over at Occupy Philly are upset because the Wall Streeters aren’t sharing any of their donations. The Philly group only has $10,000 and is living in general squalor, and as we all know when times get tough in the City of Brotherly Love, they only do one thing: complain.

Of course, the losers in Philly are living in squalor. Everybody in Philly lives in squalor. They don’t even have a top 1%. What are they protesting against? Is the price of cheesesteaks too high? Does Philadelphia even have office buildings? I’m serious, I have no idea. Leave it to Philly to beg New York for help. Well, Keith Stone has the solution for you, Philadelphia. There’s such a simple way to solve your economic crisis. We have plenty of bathrooms here in New York for you to clean. At least it’ll be more enjoyable than watching the Dream Team play.

NY Metro

Hope Everyone Had A Good Holiday Weekend

Posted: October 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in Dream Team, Phillies, Philly sucks

Just Another Week In Philly

Posted: September 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in media, Philly sucks

So after the Giants humiliated the Dream Team on Sunday and Mike Vick cried in front of everybody about getting hit too much, Wayne Simmonds called Sean Avery a fag in Monday night’s exhibition game between the Flyers and Rangers. I’m sure in Philadelphia, people use the word “fag” in everyday conversation but we don’t tolerate it here in New York. Like I’ve said before, The Suite is very gay-friendly.

Then yesterday, two football writers from the Philadelphia Inquirer and Philadelphia Daily News came to blows in the media room at the Eagles training facility. Apparently, both papers are owned by the same company, which is offering buyouts, so the pressure is high. When one of the writers wrote on Tuesday that Vick would play, the other one tweeted and criticized him for doing it so early in the week. The tweets went back and forth and eventually culminated in punches being thrown yesterday. Where’s the brotherly love? Oh, people of Philadelphia, you make me laugh so much. Too bad we can’t see a throwdown bewteen Mike Lupica and Peter Vescey.


The past week has been big for New York GM’s. At an announcement in Philadelphia for the upcoming Winter Classic between the Rangers and Flyers, Glen Sather was a one-man show. Doing his best to to channel Gary Peyton and Miss Cleo, he declared that not only would the Blueshirts win the Winter Classic, but would win the Stanley Cup. To rub it in Philly’s fat craw even more, he also threw in that the Yankees would win the World Series. In case you’re keeping track at home, this is the first ever cross-sports Title guarantee. I loved it but next time, how about a little love for the G-Men?

Over in the Bronx, Brian Cashman revealed that although he wined and dined Carl Crawford in the offseason, he had no desire to sign the outfielder. He was just driving his price up for the Red Sox. Cashman said, “Everybody kept writing Crawford, Crawford, Crawford, Crawford. And I was like, ‘I feel like we’ve got Carl Crawford in Brett Gardner, except he costs more than $100 million less.” The Sox eventually signed the .255 hitter for the GDP of a mid-size nation. That’s real moneyball, people. Then, although I cannot confirm this, I like to think he was the one that leaked the news to TMZ that John Lackey was getting a divorce from his cancer-stricken wife. Who does he think he is, Larry David? Lackey received a text message from a member of the media before his start in a losing effort, which doesn’t look like it helped in Boston’s last gasp for the playoffs. It was all Brian Cashman! He has proven how devious he can be!

These are two scheming, genius General Managers, but there’s only one question to ask: Who Ya Got?

WEEK 69 – Giant Nightmare

Posted: September 25, 2011 by Keith Stone in 2011 Giants, Dream Team, football, Giants, NFL, Philly sucks

Giants 29, Dream Team 16

“They can continue being the Dream Team and keep dreaming.”—Brandon Jacobs

The thing about the Giants is that they’re not intimidated. They might not be the best team out there but they’re never intimidated. It’s not the same cast of characters that won the Super Bowl, but most of the important people are still there and that swagger carries over to the younger guys. It felt great to beat the Dream Team. In Philadelphia. You got seven-year-old kids throwing beer bottles and giving the team bus the finger. Fucking great. This proves that the Giants are a legitimate team. They looked mediocre at best in the first two games but maybe they just needed a little motivation.

Really, the best revelation to come out of the game was Victor Cruz. Having a reliable third receiver is going to open up the offense so much more. He did work against Nnamdi Ashomaskjdhsasakjdhdsjhsa and that’s no joke. His first TD was amazing. Defenders colliding all over the place. Amazing. We still need Manningham but this is a big factor. The running game was also great. Jacobs got the ball a little more and Bradshaw is starting to get those important five- and six-yard runs. The O-line is improving and still isn’t perfect but we’ll take it.

The D was marvelous. JPP continues to be a force to be reckoned with and the Dream Team O-line looked even more pathetic than it is. Mike Vick can whine all he wants about getting hit, but I didn’t see any egregious missed calls. If the guy has the potential to run for 70 yards, then yeah, defenders are going to come at him until the very last second. Don’t blame the refs, don’t blame Chris Canty. Blame your horrible linemen. Then, don’t say you’re not complaining, you’re just pointing out that you never get flags. You know what that’s called? Complaining! Sorry about the boo boo on your hand. Maybe you shouldn’t have killed those dogs. Oh, and did I mention that Osi Umenyiora didn’t play?

McCoy killed us but Andy Reid is so stupid he’d rather run the fullback on the game’s biggest plays. Aaron Ross finally contributed and hopefully this will bolster his confidence in the future but as long as those rushers bring the heat, the secondary won’t get picked on as much. The soft part of the schedule is coming up. The team can’t take anything for granted and needs to continue playing at a high level and get better, especially the offensive line. The best is yet to come.

Philly’s Got Talent

Posted: September 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB, Phillies, Philly sucks

“Don’t stop. This is Philly. Put your bats up.”

Young man JGarzzle, also known as Big Philly Fan, is pretty excited about the Phillies, who have the best record in baseball as well as in their franchise’s history. Who wouldn’t? They have four three two dominant pitchers and the tradition of two World Championships over the last 100 years.

What better way to celebrate than making a music video to Jennifer Lopez’s On the Floor? Because really when I think of the Fightin’s, I think of lame dance songs about hooking up with dudes at the club. I also like the fact that JGarzzle made the video despite the fact that it seems that his parents were sleeping in the next room. The whisper is sexy. I haven’t seen this much swag coming out of Philadelphia since Will Smith.

My Life As A Philly Sports Fan, Day 3

Posted: July 1, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, MLB, Philly sucks

I phinally pheel the phutility that comes with being a Philly fan. I thought we had the sweep in the bag but I guess you can’t get the phull Philly experience without the bitter phailure at the end. All I want to do is eat my pheelings and punch the phirst person I see. This is too much phor me. I’m breaking up with my 300-pound girlfriend and bathing.

My Life As A Philly Sports Fan, Day 2

Posted: June 30, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, MLB, Philly sucks

Raul Ibanez, baby! That’s two in a row against the Red Sox phor my Phightin’ Phils. I was so excited I took my new girlfriend out phor some cheesesteaks and cookies after the game. She had a little trouble eating all of them due to the phact that she doesn’t have a neck so I punched somebody in the phace instead. Go Phils! Let’s get the broom out!

Do I Love Philadelphia?

Posted: June 29, 2011 by Keith Stone in baseball, BOSTON SUCKS, MLB, Philly sucks

It’s never easy when two teams you hate play each other. When the Heat and Celtics played in the playoffs, I was rooting for torn ACL’s. Now that’s it’s interleague time in baseball we get some crazy matchups. Yankees vs. Brewers? What is this? 1992? Nothing is more confusing to me than this Red Sox vs. Phillies series, though. One team has ugly and obnoxious fans that wear pink hats and the other team has ugly and obnoxious fans that are morbidly obese. It’s like asking me whether I want to spend the night with George Clooney or Matt Damon.

But the Sox are in our division so just for a few days, I’m gonna be a true Philadelphian. I’m gonna stuff my face with cheesesteaks, get into unruly fights, vomit on children, and hook up with the ugliest girls I can find. Britt and Garett Reid would be proud. LET’S GO PHILLIES BABY!