Archive for the ‘politics as usual’ Category

Bill Clinton still has it. The former President and Baller-in-Chief was in Monte Carlo recently for a Nights in Monaco-themed fundraiser when a few ladies wanted to have their pictures taken. Being the diplomat that he is, Clinton graciously accepted. Little did he know (or let’s face it, he probably did) that these two lovelies are the porn stars Tasha Reign and Brooklyn Lee. In my exhaustive research into their backgrounds, I discovered absolutely nothing new but am absolutely exhausted. Now I know what the Secret Service goes through.

Check out Billy’s left hand sneaking down to Brooklyn’s ass. Somebody wanted a little Gowanus. We can assume that the trio exchanged tales deep into the night about dealings with Benjamin Netanyahu, Mr. Marcus, Yasir Arafat, Peter North, Boris Yeltzin, and Lexington Steele. Billy Zane was also reportedly at the party. Nobody took any pictures with him.

Huffington Post

Politics is weird. And creepy. And now I know lacks even the loosest attachment to anything like reality.

Nothing is more facetious than politics, as exemplified by Mitt Romney’s statement on Newt Gingrich dropping out of the race to become the Republican Presidential nominee. These guys were trashing each other for months and now they’re BFF’s? People can talk all the shit they want about reality TV but I’ve seen more realism on The Hills and Basketball Wives than in Romney’s statement. I’m glad Shep Smith called it like it is. Too many commentators would play along and take the statement at face value. Viewers follow their lead and that’s how we get nuts like the Tea Partiers. Politicians are people too. If they don’t have real thoughts and emotions, like it appears Romney lacks, then they shouldn’t be President.


I get it. Rick Santorum is super religious. He doesn’t think chicks should get abortions, much less be on the pill. If it was up to him, we’d probably all be going to church everyday. But for the life of me, I can’t figure out how Santorum is still Mitt Romney’s main competition, especially after ridiculous comments like his most recent pronouncement. Rick Santorum wants to ban porn.

Porn is great. Like anything that is awesome, people are going to abuse it. Doesn’t matter whether it’s coffee, cocaine, or shopping. I’m sure there are people out there that have become so addicted to porn that they are out of touch with reality and their lives are ruined. It doesn’t mean we need to ban a good thing because a few people can’t handle it. Ever hear of Prohibition? If President Santorum bans porn, things would be worse than Prohibition. There are legit health and lifestyle risks from consuming alcohol. What’s going to happen if you jack it 5-10 minutes a day? I’d even argue that porn has reduced premarital sex and pregnancies. A horny guy is way more likely get it in if he can’t watch Jenna Haze and Alexis Amore get it on to release a little pressure.

Ricky, baby, I’m not sure if you know this but the economy isn’t doing so hot. Millions of competent Americans workers are out of jobs. Ordinary people are struggling to pay for mortgages, healthcare, and college. There’s also the ongoing threat of terrorism and international conflicts in the Middle East and North Korea. As a voter, I’m a little more interested to know how you’re going to handle those situations.

While most of us aren’t perfect, there’s no reason to uphold a strict moral code in America when banks are still trying to bleed their customers dry and maniacs would stop at nothing to take out a nuclear plant or national landmark. This is why I don’t like politics. A clown who rambles on about religious nonsense is still somehow a viable candidate. Only in America (and Iran). Good luck with the rest of your “campaign,” Ricky. Word is Obama loves Asian porn. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.


Never Going Baq

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in Iraq, politics as usual

Just in time for Christmas, the last American troops were pulled from Iraq. Politics aside, it’s great that all these brave soldiers are going to be home for the holidays with their families and there are going to be many more scenes like these. Is it dusty in here in The Suite or is it just me?

A new book came out yesterday called Jacqueline Kennedy: Historic Conversations on Life With John F. Kennedy, in which the former first lady shares her innermost thoughts from a never-before-heard interview in 1964. And boy, does she have a lot to say. She worries about “emotional” women getting into politics (and hooking up with college basketball players?) and disses everyone from Martin Luther King, Jr. to Lyndon Johnson.

Apparently, Jackie and MLK had a bigger beef than Biggie and Tupac stemming from the King making comments about JFK’s funeral that Jackie heard on a government wiretap. Among others, Jackie also called Charles de Gaulle an “egomaniac” and “spiteful man” and Indira Gandhi a “horrible woman.” She saved her worst for Adlai Stevenson by saying, “I always thought women who were scared of sex loved Adlai.” Come on, Jackie! Adlai doesn’t deserve that, whoever he is. It’s not like women who loved sex loved JFK. Oh, wait.

Huffington Post

Glen Rice will now be known for two things: scoring tons of points in meaningless games and fucking the Pitbull in Lipstick! This is maybe the greatest piece of news I’ve ever seen. A new book coming out next week called Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin by Joe McGinniss makes a bunch of salacious claims about Palin’s life, including allegations that she had an affair with her husband’s business partner and snorted cocaine while snowmobiling (naturally). Of course, the little ditty about her and Glen Rice sharing a night together in Alaska while she was a sports reporter and he was a college junior is sure to be the one that grabs the most headlines.

There’s so many things in play here, I don’t know where to begin. For one, Palin apparently had a fetish for black men. Awesome. Secondly, a sports reporter bedding her subject? A little touchy but then kinda creepy when you find out he’s in college and she’s in her mid-20’s. Then, you find out it’s nine months before she married her husband. Bad form, Sarah, bad form. And lastly, it’s Glen fucking Rice! Could there have been a better choice for a random NBA superstar for Sarah Palin to fuck? Derrick Coleman? Mitch Richmond?

This has to kill Palin’s political career, right? You have drugs, you have infidelity, and you have Glen Rice. Nobody can ever take her seriously again. The only people that like her are insane Southerners anyway. They could probably defend the coke (she was young), and the cheating (everybody makes mistakes), but if there’s one thing dirty rednecks hate, it’s black people. “Oh my, Sarah Palin slept with a negro? I’m voting for Michele Bachmann? She’s the epitome of class and integrity.” As for me, I just can’t wait for the porn parody. Paging Lisa Ann and Mr. Marcus! Goodbye Sarah, we hardly knew you.

Daily Mail

Arturas Zuokas For President

Posted: August 5, 2011 by Keith Stone in crime and punishment, politics as usual

Arturas Zoukas, mayor of the Lithuanian capital of Vilnius, does not like illegally parked cars, so much so that he took to the streets in a tank and crushed one that was parked in a handicapped zone. This is the way government should work. No more debating for months and months about the tiniest details. You get a fucking tank and run over some shit.

Washington would be a much better place if a couple guys like Arturas were in charge. Republicans and Democrats can’t agree on raising the debt ceiling? Boom, their homes get run over with a tank. Politicians are assholes anyway that like to argue instead of getting things done. And when they do get things done, they’re only helping the people that don’t need help. The country almost defaulted because Republicans didn’t want to raise taxes on the rich! That’s crazy! Rich people and corporations say they won’t work as hard if they know their money is going to taxes. Bullshit. They’ll work even harder because they’re greedy motherfuckers and they want more money. Poor Hunter Winchester III will only be able to buy three vacation homes so the US can stay financially stable. Sorry buddy. And if you have a problem with that, it’s the tank for you.

The Drunkest Presidents

Posted: June 8, 2011 by Keith Stone in liquor, politics as usual

11 Points released a list of the drunkest Presidents. It is both hilarious and historically informative. It also makes me feel better about my alcoholism. “See Mom, I was just trying to be like Franklin Pierce.” I never knew that Martin Van Buren was like the Andre the Giant of Presidents or that FDR regained his health by drinking massive quantities of egg nog. You learn something new everyday. Bill Clinton is not on the list, but if I was hooking up with a chick like Monica Lewinsky, I’d probably need a drink or eight.

11 Points

A Hasidic newspaper based in Brooklyn named Der Zeitung, which I read every week, has upset the White House by photoshopping two women out of the photo of President Obama and his gang watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound. One of those sexy government ladies is Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Officials are upset because news outlets are not allowed to doctor the picutre in any way, for obvious reasons. Der Zeitung does not print any photos of women because they “could be considered sexually suggestive.” However, I can assure Der Zeitung that Hillary Clinton is not sexually suggestive. Bill Clinton just nodded his head. He hangs in The Suite on a religious basis (religious-get it?). I guess the Jews think wrists are sexy but I’m really more of an ankle guy. To each his own.


>Rainman Suite Enacts Social Change

Posted: February 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in Egypt, politics as usual


I just got off the phone with Egyptian ambassador Sameh Shoukry and he has notified me that after reading yesterday’s Jabroni of the Week, Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down. Apparently, the Egyptian people have been chanting all night for myself to be installed as their new president. I seriously thought about it but I just love New York too much and I don’t know if I would able to get NBA League Pass in Cairo. So for now, congratulations on your freedom, Egypt, and you’re welcome.