On the heels of the Kardashian divorce, it would seem like true love is impossible to find nowadays, but luckily there are people out there out to prove that it’s not. First, you have Brittany Hillard. Her boyfriend, Cameron, surprised her with a birthday party. How sweet. And then, BAM! Marriage proposal. Bitch goes down. Hard. That’s love, baby. It hurts.
Down in Houston, Ashley just got married and is in the middle of a very sweet moment: the father-daughter dance. All of a sudden, it’s booty-shaking galore. That’s how you celebrate giving your daughter away, by dirty dancing with her. If things don’t work out with her new husband, I guess Ashley always has Pops. Looks like love isn’t dead in America after all.
72 days. Everyone knows the Kardashian family is full of money-grubbing whores but this is an insult. Kim K Superstar made upwards of $17 million dollars for televising her nuptials to Kris Humphries on E!. They were literally aired a few weeks ago. She couldn’t try to stick it out a little longer? Apparently, she felt that Humphries was becoming a mooch since the NBA is locked out. He had a $9.6 million contract with the Nets. I don’t think he was exactly hurting for cash. He may be a tool but at least he earned his money. Kim essentially had a casting call to find a guy. Who does that? She wanted Danilo Gallinari first, but Gallo’s too smart for that. Plus, not black.
I’m not sure who the Jabroni really is. Is it Kim or anyone that cares? People that will continue to watch her show are idiots. She has no discernible talent. She’s not even as interesting as Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson. She has a fat ass and she fucked Ray-J on camera. What’s the appeal?
Kim, baby, you have more money than you could ever deserve. I hope you enjoy it. Your show is contrived enough. Did you really have to get married? The thing is you could have kept it going for so much longer. Oh no, Kim and Kris are separated! That’s an episode. Kim and Kris are having dinner to talk things over. That’s an episode.
Your show actually would have been interesting for once. How hard is it to have a sham marriage? Say that you’re doing promotions overseas while Kris is playing exhibition games. Now everyone can really see what a fake you are. Ironic that you’re on a reality show. Can’t wait till you get pregnant. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.
Glen Rice will now be known for two things: scoring tons of points in meaningless games and fucking the Pitbull in Lipstick! This is maybe the greatest piece of news I’ve ever seen. A new book coming out next week called Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin by Joe McGinniss makes a bunch of salacious claims about Palin’s life, including allegations that she had an affair with her husband’s business partner and snorted cocaine while snowmobiling (naturally). Of course, the little ditty about her and Glen Rice sharing a night together in Alaska while she was a sports reporter and he was a college junior is sure to be the one that grabs the most headlines.
There’s so many things in play here, I don’t know where to begin. For one, Palin apparently had a fetish for black men. Awesome. Secondly, a sports reporter bedding her subject? A little touchy but then kinda creepy when you find out he’s in college and she’s in her mid-20’s. Then, you find out it’s nine months before she married her husband. Bad form, Sarah, bad form. And lastly, it’s Glen fucking Rice! Could there have been a better choice for a random NBA superstar for Sarah Palin to fuck? Derrick Coleman? Mitch Richmond?
This has to kill Palin’s political career, right? You have drugs, you have infidelity, and you have Glen Rice. Nobody can ever take her seriously again. The only people that like her are insane Southerners anyway. They could probably defend the coke (she was young), and the cheating (everybody makes mistakes), but if there’s one thing dirty rednecks hate, it’s black people. “Oh my, Sarah Palin slept with a negro? I’m voting for Michele Bachmann? She’s the epitome of class and integrity.” As for me, I just can’t wait for the porn parody. Paging Lisa Ann and Mr. Marcus! Goodbye Sarah, we hardly knew you.
The Soup had an awesome video last week from some sort of Spanish-language talent show. The video features some kids reenacting Romeo and Juliet. It’s pretty solid until the little girl starts nailing herself in the cabeza with a hammer. And if my memory serves me correct, the Thriller dance took place at the Capulet party. It’s still not as weird as Baz Luhrmann’s version with Leo DiCaprio. I definitely would be more into Shakespeare if more Michael Jackson songs were involved. Why not sneak a little Beat It into Hamlet? This continues to show you that theater would be better if little kids were used as actors for everything.
This is the first week that gay couples in New York can legally be married. I’m definitely a supporter. It’s important that everyone is treated fairly whether you’re gay or straight (unless you’re a Red Sox fan). There were a lot of sweet stories out there about couples that had to wait 20 or 30 years for this to happen, so to those people I say: enjoy being nagged relentlessly by your spouse. And what better way to celebrate than with a few pictures of same-sex couples showing their love for one another?
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams fulfilled every chick’s fantasy with his girlfriend, Brooke Daniels, a former Miss Texas USA, by giving her a $76,000 engagement ring and a unique marriage proposal. He sent the ring and a taped message asking for her hand in marriage in an overnight package. Wouldn’t expect anything less classy coming from a Cowboy. How did a loser like Roy Williams end up with a beauty queen anyway? He caught like 12 passes last year.
Shockingly, Miss Texas rejected his proposal and Williams told her to keep the ring; he knew she’d come crawling back. Another bold move. When she was like, “Uhhhhhhh OK, thanks,” the WR decided he actually did want the ring. She said she lost it so he sued her but luckily the ring was found in her father’s care. And that, my friends, is the story of the lamest marriage proposal ever. Can we end the lockout please and concentrate on actual football stories now?
A-Rod is unstoppable. Not only is the starting third baseman for the American League All-Stars leading the first place Yanks in batting, but he’s leading the team in hot celebrity 3-ways. Back in January, Alex Rodriguez and girlfriend Cameron Diaz were in Paris for Fashion Week. People Magazine reported that they had dinner with Tara Reid. For dessert, they all had some pie. For somebody with a rickety hip, A-Rod sure knows how to bang out the hits. Who says he’s not clutch? And who knew Cameron Diaz was such a freak hooking up with a Latin Adonis and a crack whore with big fake tits? I’d rather watch that than Bad Teacher.
Michael Jordan knew how to turn on the romance whether it was with a fake reporter or high school sweetheart. Plus, he apparently really liked girls with nice hair. The commercial for Gentle Treatment is just the start. In 1980, a teenaged MJ sent a love letter to a girl named Laquette (my first love’s name as well). It read:
My Dearest Laquette
How are you and your family doing, fine I hope. I am in my Adv. Chemistry class writing you a letter, so that tell you how much I care for you. I decide to write you because I felt that I made you look pretty rotten after the last night. I want to tell you that I am sorry, and hope that you except my apologie. I know that you feelings was hurt whenever I loss my necklace or had it stolen.
I was really happy when you gave me my honest coin money that I won off the bet. I want to thank you for letting me hold your annual. I show it to everyone at school. Everyone think you are a very pretty young lady and I had to agree because it is very true. Please don’t let this go to your head. (smile) I sorry to say that I can’t go to the game on my birthday because my father is taking the whole basketball team out to eat on my birthday. Please don’t be mad because I am trying get down there a week from Feb. 14. If I do get the chance to come please have some activity for us to do together.
I want you to know that my feeling for you has not change yet. ← (joke) I am finally getting use to going with a girl much smaller than I. I hope you my hint. Well I have spent my time very wisely by write to you. I hope you write back soon. Well I must go, the period is almost over. See you next time around, which I hope comes soon.
With my Best Love
Michael J. Jordan
Wow. “Please have some activity for us to do together.” Kid wants some nook. It also appears that he’s not from the United States and was presumably born in some Asian country. That may explain why he’s in advanced chemistry class when he can barely write. Sorry, Mike. I hope you accept my apologie.
Professional perv hunter and To Catch a Predator host Chris Hansen has made a living out of busting creeps, but now he’s the one caught red-handed. The married father of two was spied having a dalliance by the National Enquirer (their best reporting in years!!!) with Kristyn Caddell, a reporter and former NBC intern who’s 20 years younger than him, while he was investigating a case in Florida. Luckily, Caddell is above the legal age of consent. Still, it’s a big blow for Hansen who is not going to be talk as far down to child predators anymore. No word yet on whether Hansen actually consummated the relationship or only wanted to talk to Caddell.
Our friend CurlySue (remember her?) had herself a fun weekend with a gentleman friend named TrustFund. There were candlelit dinners, horse-drawn carriage rides, and romantic sunsets. OK, maybe they actually just met at a bar. Still, TrustFund was so head over heels with CurlySue, he actually fell head over heels while they were dancing and broke his face. Be careful around her, boys. She’s dangerous. Here are the pics.
Rainman Suite 