Archive for the ‘commercials’ Category


Although I am not a religious man, I am absolutely enthralled when the holiday season kicks off.  While Christmas seems to take over the last few months of the year (I heard holiday music in a fast food restaurant back in September), it is after Thanksgiving when we get to the “money” part of the holiday season.  Gifts are being bought, party arrangements are being made, and the television airwaves are absolutely inundated with jingle bells and ho-ho-hos.

What makes the season truly special is that it honors the past.  Each year, we hear the same songs, watch the same television specials, and use the same old lights to decorate the house.  These traditions help us remember our past while, simultaneously, shaping our future – remember, there’s always someone out there watching Frosty or Rudolph for the first time.

With that in mind, let’s spotlight something that often gets overlooked: perennial Christmas commercials.  While many commercials are aimed to promote something short-term and are easily forgotten, the following commercials have managed to stave off quick extinction to become miniature holiday “classics.”


You know it’s getting close to the Olympics when you start seeing commercials for athletes in random sports like swimming and gymnastics, but what does Michael Phelps have to do with shampoo? There’s no way that the last two things Mike Phelps is thinking before he steps out to the pool are what songs are on his MP3 player and whether or not he has any dandruff. For sure, all he wants to know is if whatever stripper he’s dating has good weed to smoke after the race. Can you even to listen to music while you’re swimming? Did Apple make Michael Phelps a waterproof iPod? You would think that he’d be focusing more on his opponents or instructions his coach gave him. Is anyone really looking at your hair when you’re wearing a gold medal?

Need A Date?

Posted: March 26, 2012 by Keith Stone in commercials
Tags: , ,

Man, I thought I met some real horses on OkCupid. Farmers Only is, of course, the best place to meet single farmers, ranchers, and good ole country folks. Either there or your family reunion, Cletus. All I want to know is where all the farmer’s daughters are. If there aren’t any, this is about as useful as JDate to me.

Will Ferrell + Old Milwaukee = America

Posted: December 11, 2011 by Keith Stone in commercials, Old Milwaukee, Will Ferrell

N! It’s nice!”

If you like getting shitfaced without regard for taste or quality of beer, then Old Milwaukee is for you. Will Ferrell knows this so he asked the company to do a series of commercials for them free of charge. The spots harken back to earlier time in America, a simpler time, when all you had to worry about was making it home when your mama rang the dinner bell. Also, rusty trampolines. Unfortunately, the commercials are only airing in the Davenport, Iowa and Terre Haute, Indiana markets. Why? Nobody knows, but that makes it all the more hilarious. Let’s just hope they eventually go national.

No Fucking Way

Posted: October 20, 2011 by Keith Stone in commercials, Fiat, Jennifer Lopez

I know that commercials don’t necessarily don’t need to be based in reality, but there’s no chance in hell that Jennifer Lopez actually drives a Fiat. Somebody needs to call the FCC or the Better Business Bureau because this is the most blatant false advertising since ViSalus. They should have to put a disclaimer on the bottom of the screen that reads, “Jennifer Lopez does not actually drive a Fiat. We backed up a dump truck full of money to her house and she’s a whore.” It’d be more realistic if there were unicorns flying in the sky.

Who Doesn’t Belong?

Posted: October 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in commercials, Japan

Is it:

A. Famed pianist Takeru Shigeri
B. Radio host Shinjo Jakeru
C. Politican Monotaru Kinjayashi
D. Speedskater Quintera Tamagashu
E. Model Sharahiri Tikalama


F. Tommy Lee Jones

Michael Jordan knew how to turn on the romance whether it was with a fake reporter or high school sweetheart. Plus, he apparently really liked girls with nice hair. The commercial for Gentle Treatment is just the start. In 1980, a teenaged MJ sent a love letter to a girl named Laquette (my first love’s name as well). It read:

My Dearest Laquette

How are you and your family doing, fine I hope. I am in my Adv. Chemistry class writing you a letter, so that tell you how much I care for you. I decide to write you because I felt that I made you look pretty rotten after the last night. I want to tell you that I am sorry, and hope that you except my apologie. I know that you feelings was hurt whenever I loss my necklace or had it stolen.

I was really happy when you gave me my honest coin money that I won off the bet. I want to thank you for letting me hold your annual. I show it to everyone at school. Everyone think you are a very pretty young lady and I had to agree because it is very true. Please don’t let this go to your head. (smile) I sorry to say that I can’t go to the game on my birthday because my father is taking the whole basketball team out to eat on my birthday. Please don’t be mad because I am trying get down there a week from Feb. 14. If I do get the chance to come please have some activity for us to do together.

I want you to know that my feeling for you has not change yet. ← (joke) I am finally getting use to going with a girl much smaller than I. I hope you my hint. Well I have spent my time very wisely by write to you. I hope you write back soon. Well I must go, the period is almost over. See you next time around, which I hope comes soon.

With my Best Love

Michael J. Jordan

Wow. “Please have some activity for us to do together.” Kid wants some nook. It also appears that he’s not from the United States and was presumably born in some Asian country. That may explain why he’s in advanced chemistry class when he can barely write. Sorry, Mike. I hope you accept my apologie.


The Independent Film Channel is looking for the greatest local commercials in its newly launched Local Commercial Awards, or LOCO’s as the cool kids call it. There’s nothing that makes me happier when I’m watching Jersey Shore at 3 in the morning than seeing Dr. Zizmor telling me how he’ll fix my bunions or Keith Hernandez demanding that I give him my gold. LOCO winners earn a digital badge that a company can post on its website. I don’t know what a digital badge is but I bet it would look sexy in The Suite. I should put a commercial on Spike TV that would consist entirely of me dancing to the Thong Song. On second thought, maybe I should put it on Lifetime. For the ladies. As great as that commercial would be, there’s no way anyone is winning a LOCO over this guy. Have fun getting the song out of your head.

Wall St. Journal

Far be it for me to criticize a commercial that has Blake Griffin jumping over a tiger, but why exactly does he want to be in this game so much? Maybe I’ve been watching the Finals a lot, but it’s driving me crazy. Props for jumping over the tiger, though. It’s awesome. I also like how it says “Do not attempt” on the bottom of the screen. I can barely jump over a kitten, much less a tiger. Thanks, lawyers.

The Mets lost to the Florida Marlins 2-1 the other night when relief pitcher Burke Badenhop drove in the winning run in the 11th inning for his second career hit. Only the Mets find new and more embarrassing ways to lose. In their honor, we celebrate one of the best commercials of all-time.