Posts Tagged ‘chicks’

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There’s nothing worse than having your team’s playoff hopes pinned to another team. Or if you’re a Giants fan, three teams. At the end of the season, there’s no telling what type of performance you’re going to get from a team ready to head South for the winter. Sure, the Lions are going to bring it if it’s WEEK 5, but if Matt Stafford strains his ever-so-tender throwing shoulder against the Bears, he’s going to be out of there faster than a Taylor Kitsch flick after its opening weekend. There are no rules for homebound teams in WEEK 17. Some teams or even individual players may be playing or not playing for different reasons, like pride, free agency, rivalries, or a favorite coach.

It’s like meeting chicks in Las Vegas. When you’re at home, you get the standard variety. There are sweethearts, bitches, prudes, skanks. In Vegas, all bets are off. Good girls turn into Alexis Texas, boyfriends get cheated on, excessive tequila shots are consumed, and false identities are used, but a select few ladies remain true and loyal. Really, when you’re not going to be around in a few days, what’s the point of being on your best behavior? It’s time to get fucked up and freaky. Right, ladies?

So what are we going to see with teams like the Lions, Rams, Cardinals, and Eagles possibly playing huge roles in determining the playoff picture and their Vegas vacations ending soon? In a perfect world, they’d all be playing hard, but you know most of them will end up in a bathroom stall vomiting their brains out while some guy named Julio is snorting coke off their ass, or at least the football equivalent of that. Here’s hoping Eli doesn’t end up with puke on his cleats. Time for some picks…

TEXANS (-7.5) AT COLTS
Stone: Colts
Chuck is strong.

Slumdeezy: Colts
The Giants have their hopes in the hands of one rookie QB this weeks, so I’ll have mine in two.

DRK: Colts

Rory: Texans

DP Animal: Texans

Phanatic: Texans
The Colts have nothing to play for.

RAVENS AT BENGALS (-3.5)
Stone: Bengals
Don’t count out the Bengals in the AFC Playoffs.

Slumdeezy: Bengals

DRK: Ravens

Rory: Bengals

DP Animal: Bengals
Neither team has much to play for, but I think the Ravens would rather stay the 4th seed (and play Indy).

Phanatic: Ravens

EAGLES AT GIANTS (-7.5)
Stone: Eagles
Man, you never know what you’re going to expect from the Champs.

Slumdeezy: Giants
Just my sentimental choice. ELI! One more time this season.

DRK: Eagles

Rory: Eagles

DP Animal: Eagles

Phanatic: Giants
It’s hard to not take them, one last hurrah before missing the playoffs. Smells like a blowout.

BEARS (-3.5) AT LIONS
Stone: Lions
Please, pretty please let the Lions win.

Slumdeezy: Lions
For Fro- I mean ELI!

DRK: Lions

Rory: Bears

DP Animal: Lions

Phanatic: Bears

PACKERS (-3.5) AT VIKINGS
Stone: Packers
The Pack won’t let a bye get away from them, will they?

Slumdeezy: Packers
For ELI!

DRK: Vikings

Rory: Vikings

DP Animal: Packers
AP won’t get the rushing record either.

Phanatic: Vikings
To cover at least.

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS (-3.5)
Stone: Redskins
Hey, at least one of these teams will likely have a heartbreaking loss.

Slumdeezy: Redskins
Let’s see what this RG3 kid is made of.

DRK: Cowboys

Rory: Redskins

DP Animal: Redskins
Well, at least there’s one meaningful game this weekend.

Phanatic: Redskins
The Cowboys will be eliminated on the last day of the season, again.

CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 55-41 (Last week: 3-3)
DP Animal: 51-45 (3-3)
Rory: 51-45 (3-3)
DRK: 48-48 (5-1)
Phanatic: 48-48 (5-1)
Slumdeezy: 45-51 (1-5)

Last week’s picks

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The Daily News got a hold of surveillance footage showing Yankees GM Brian Cashman with the woman he had an affair with and is now on trial for blackmailing him. It appears that Cashman is an expert at keeping things on the DL with the ladies, from wearing a hat pulled down low to avoiding text messages to entering and leaving his chick’s apartment through the service exit. In the video, Cashman was seen leaving the scene of the crime around 5:30 in the morning. That’s colder than the way he treated Jorge Posada. However, it is unknown whether Cashman left blondie a gift basket upon his departure. What exactly do you think Cash would leave in his gift basket? I’m thinking an economics textbook, a coupon for LASIK surgery, and an autographed radar gun.

You can talk about Billy Beane and Moneyball all you want, but this is why Cashman gets the job done. If you want to be a successful GM in any sport, you have to be sneaky and underhanded. There’s no better way to do this than keeping a couple girls on the side. In fact, Cashman is probably so committed to the Yankees, it was the only reason he was carousing with a crazy stalker bitch. At least that’s what I’d tell him to say to his wife.

NY Daily News

Osama bin Laden Evaded the CIA, Not His Wives

Posted: March 9, 2012 by Keith Stone in news
Tags: , ,

It goes to show that even the world’s biggest terrorist masterminds are just like you and me: susceptible to the power of the pussy. As details are being revealed about the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound and his years on the run before that, it appears that the big break in the case came not from global intelligence sources but from his own feuding wives. When wives #3 and #4 became increasingly upset over Osama’s affection towards #5, they most likely spread word where lover boy was hiding.

If Muslim women didn’t have to be covered head to toe, maybe one wife would have been enough for Osama. We already knew he loved porn. Guy just couldn’t get enough ass. Can you imagine traveling in the mountains with these broads? Going on a vacation with a chick is bad enough, but three must be insane. I can’t even imagine the complaints. “Osama, I got sand in my burka.” “Osama, I’m hungry. Can we stop for some goat?” “Osama, why don’t you ask that farmer for directions to Islamabad?” Now we know why the dude was so angry. Just remember, guys, women are the downfall of everything and if you’re ever planning on committing atrocities against humanity, it might not be a good idea to have five wives who are bound to get jealous of each other and snitch you out.

NY Daily News

Chicks of A Feather…

Posted: February 12, 2012 by Keith Stone in chicks
Tags: ,

Ever want to fuck a Muppet? I know I have! Apparently, the new trend among the ladies is to get waxed and have a “pubic wig” made of wacky-colored fox fur installed down there. Of course, it costs $225. I know chicks generally like to blow their money on idiotic things like designer handbags and shoes, but this might be a new low. What guy is going to going to want to see Liberace’s quill above their girl’s box when they’re getting ready to bang? It’s already bad enough going downtown, now we have to worry about feathers. Good rule of thumb: keep it clean, ladies.

Gawker