The best thing about watching games on Sundays is the nonstop orgy of football action. Like any good orgy, the action should be evenly paced. You don’t want to spend the first half getting serviced by some banging ladies and then spend the end in the corner getting your rocks off with a fat chick named Bertha. That’s why it infuriates me that the NFL only has three games scheduled at 4PM this week. To start off, 11 games is way too many to watch at 1. Unless you’re at the greatest Buffalo Wild Wings of all-time, there’s no practical way to keep tabs on the statuses of every early game. Sure, the Raiders-Panthers game isn’t exactly Favre vs. Elway in Super Bowl XXXII but I bet there are some Jets fans that need to watch as much football as possible to get the stench of ass off their face.
Two of our 4PM games feature the Cardinals and the Browns, respectively. Not exactly compelling TV. So then we’re left with our Bertha: Giants-Ravens. Should be a good game but maybe it’s not. Then what? Do you expect me to talk to my friends and loved ones? I know we’re getting close to Christmas but nobody needs to get home early from these games on Christmas Eve Eve and Grandma’s two days away from getting mad at you for not showing her enough attention.
I don’t see a good reason for this schedule. Maybe the Giants-Ravens rating will be higher and the NFL and their TV partners can charge more for commercials. It’s not worth it to shortchange the viewer. With tons of games with playoffs implications, let’s spread it around. The games are awesome because they’re played at around the same time as each other, not all at the same time. And while we’re at it, feel free to spread the orgy to Saturday. You’re telling me two full days of important football games wouldn’t be the best Christmas present the NFL can give? Well then, I don’t believe in Tebow Claus. Let’s make some picks…
BENGALS AT STEELERS (-3.5)
Stone: Bengals
Slumdeezy: Steelers
DRK: Bengals
Rory: Bengals
I’m taking over! Let’s go!
DP Animal: Steelers
For a variety of reasons, I’d love to see the Bengals win and vanquish Pittsburgh, but I don’t know if they’re ready to go into Heinz Field and win.
Phanatic: Bengals
Both teams are fighting for a playoff spot, but the Bengals are just better.
SAINTS AT COWBOYS (-2.5)
Stone: Saints
The collapse will come sooner or later.
Slumdeezy: Saints
As an increasingly desperate Giants fan this might just be wishful thinking.
DRK: Saints
Rory: Cowboys
DP Animal: Saints
Can’t wait for the cutaways to Jerry Jones’ luxury box as this is happening.
Phanatic: Saints
Let’s start to separate out the NFC East tie.
REDSKINS (-6.5) AT EAGLES
Stone: Redskins
And to think, they were left for dead a few weeks ago.
Slumdeezy: Eagles
Wishful thinking again, but unfortunately I still have the Skins winning this one.
DRK: Eagles
Rory: Redskins
Boy, the NFC East turned into a giant clusterfuck. It is going to be decided Week 17.
DP Animal: Eagles
Can’t wait for the cutaways to Daniel Synder’s luxury box as this is happening.
Phanatic: Redskins
I hate myself.
VIKINGS AT TEXANS (-7.5)
Stone: Texans
If they lose this one, I’d be very concerned about the Texans’ chances in the playoffs.
Slumdeezy: Texans
DRK: Vikings
Rory: Texans
Here’s hoping Adrian Peterson carries me to my fantasy football championship this weekend!
DP Animal: Texans
Phanatic: Vikings
They’ll cover with AP going after the record.
GIANTS (-2.5) AT RAVENS
Stone: Giants
Which team is the smaller mess?
Slumdeezy: Giants
Wish number 3. Call me Aladdin.
DRK: Ravens
Rory: Giants
Giants always get it up for the big games.
DP Animal: Ravens
Home dogs? Against a team that just lost 34-0?
Phanatic: Giants
49ERS (-1.5) AT SEAHAWKS
Stone: 49ers
Going to be an awesome atmosphere.
Slumdeezy: 49ers
DRK: Seahawks
Rory: Seahawks
Seattle at home with points against a team that’s already clinched a playoff spot? Sure!
DP Animal: Seahawks
I’m rather excited for this game.
Phanatic: Seahawks
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 52-38 (Last week: 3-3)
DP Animal: 48-42 (2-4)
Rory: 48-42 (5-1)
Slumdeezy: 44-46 (2-4)
DRK: 43-47 (2-4)
Phanatic: 43-47 (3-3)
Rainman Suite 