Jabroni of the Week: Standard & Poor’s

Posted: August 7, 2011 by Keith Stone in dinero, jabronis, Standard and Poor's, U!S!A!

Standard & Poor’s downgraded United States long-term debt on Friday from its highest rating, AAA, to AA+. This basically tells investors that if you invest in treasury bonds the chance of receiving the money owed to you is only very good instead of nearly infallible. You can’t deny that the economy is a mess and a lot of people are responsible.

The government has spent more money than we have and politicians can’t agree on how to fix it, if there even is a viable solution. Rich people don’t want to be taxed more even at the expense of programs that help the less fortunate.

Even ordinary Americans would rather buy that new Louis Vuitton bag or pair of Oakley shades than save their money. In short, everything is screwed because we only think for themselves instead of others and the good of the country.

Everything culminated in Standard & Poor’s decision to downgrade. Interest rates will go up and 401(k) plans will go down. My question is: where was S&P in 2008? They totally missed the mortgage-security crisis.

When everything was as worthless as a Miami Heat 2011 NBA Champions t-shirt, S&P kept ratings high. Now they decide to downgrade? Like we should really trust them now. How about helping the people that invested in junk when S&P said it was a sure thing?

S&P, baby, welcome to the party. The economy isn’t doing well. I’m glad you finally figured it out. You should be renamed the Capt. Obvious Corporation. Do you think Charlie Sheen might have a drug problem? Maybe we should have paid you off like all those mortgage companies did. Why are you being such a vigilant watchdog asshole now? If anything, you’re just going to make it harder for the U.S. to dig out of its hole.

America is the greatest country in the world and for that reason our debt should always be AAAAA+++++. How can anyone bet against the good old U.S. of A.? We beat the British when nobody believed in us, and dammit, we’re going to beat this deficit. All of us are Americans and we all need to look out for one another. As Hulk Hogan as my witness, I personally guarantee all American debt and a Keith Stone guarantee is ironclad. Now, mothafucker, raise that rating. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

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