Archive for the ‘Jason Voorhees’ Category

Classic Suite: Counselor’s Guide To Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees

Posted: October 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Friday the 13th, Jason Voorhees
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Since today is Halloween, here’s a look back at one of our most popular pieces written back on Friday, May 13th, a retrospective of the Friday the 13th film series. Kill her Mommy…

Through 12 movies (sort of), Jason Voorhees slashed, stabbed, and disemboweled his way to my heart. He may have been a rip-off of Michael Myers and didn’t have the personality of Freddy Kruger, but there’s still nothing scarier than seeing a guy in a hockey mask in the middle of the woods. Today, on his birthday, Friday the 13th, I’m going to put all the pieces together like never before. This is the story of Jason Voorhees and Friday the 13th. And don’t ever call it a ‘Jason movie.’

There were actually two Jasons: a mentally challenged maniac out to avenge his mother’s death and an unstoppable zombie that stalked the woods it used to call home. As a child, Jason was presumed dead in a swimming accident while attending Camp Crystal Lake. His mother worked at the camp and made the genius move of letting her handicapped child swim under the supervision of counselors who only wanted to get laid. She took her frustrations out by murdering those she blamed for her son’s death and later sabotaged any efforts to reopen the camp. With Camp Crystal Lake slated again to reopen, Mrs. V took it upon herself to take out every new counselor one-by-one on her son’s birthday, Friday the 13th. Unfortunately, she couldn’t finish off Alice and ended up decapitated on the shores of Crystal Lake.

However, Jason did not die in the lake but instead was living in the woods. The poor kid didn’t know any better. The kid grew into a man, a big man, and continued to survive like an animal wearing a burlap sack over his deformed head. When he saw his beloved mother beheaded, he did the only thing he could think of: killing spree.

A few years later, on Friday the 13th, a counselor training center (you can’t be a camp counselor without a rigorous training seminar, right?) was opening right next door to Camp Crystal Lake. Despite assurances that all the rumors about a homicidal killer roaming the area were false, Jason made an appearance and the blood flowed. Jason was slashed with a machete but managed to escape into the night.

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Counselor’s Handbook To Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees

Posted: May 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in Friday the 13th, Jason Voorhees
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Through 12 movies (sort of), Jason Voorhees slashed, stabbed, and disemboweled his way to my heart. He may have been a rip-off of Michael Myers and didn’t have the personality of Freddy Kruger, but there’s still nothing scarier than seeing a guy in a hockey mask in the middle of the woods. Today, on his birthday, Friday the 13th, I’m going to put all the pieces together like never before. This is the story of Jason Voorhees and Friday the 13th. And don’t ever call it a ‘Jason movie.’

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Stanley Cup Playoffs Conference Finals Predictions

Posted: May 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in hockey, Jason Voorhees, NHL, Stanley Cup Playoffs
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It’s a little known fact that Jason Voorhees was a huge fan of the California Golden Seals and goaltender Gilles Meloche. When the team left Oakland for the greener pastures of Cleveland without ever advancing past the first round of the playoffs, Jason, inspired by Meloche’s badass dragon mask, started wearing his own and butchering camp counselors. My predictions are doing just about as well as those camp counselors. I’m 4-7 so far after going 2-2 in the Semis but I’m going to nail these picks if it’s the last thing I do. Like I said before, the Stanley Cup Playoffs are the hardest to predict.

In the East, the Boston Bruins and Tampa Bay Lightning have taken similar roads to get the Conference Finals. Both had solid seasons but neither was expected to reach this far. After sweeping favored teams in the previous round, the B’s and Bolts are rested and hot. Tim Thomas and Dwayne Roloson have been fabulous in goal, respectively. However, the Lightning have a trio of big-time scorers in veterans Martin St. Louis and Vincent Lecavalier and young gun Steven Stamkos, who was second in the league in goals during the regular season with 45. The Bruins, on the other hand, are without one of their leading contributors in Patrice Bergeron, who is still dealing with a concussion suffered against the Flyers. Don’t forget: St. Louis and Lecavalier led the Lightning to the Cup only seven years ago. If Thomas gets hot, it’s going to be tough, but Tampa Bay knows what it takes to get to the next level. Lightning in 6

Out West, the two best regular-season teams meet in the Vancouver Canucks and San Jose Sharks. Regular-season is the operative word because both are known for their past failures in the playoffs. Luckily, one will finally get over the hump and make the Finals while the other will have a long summer. These teams have strong offenses, with the magical Sedin twins leading the Canucks against the Sharks’ Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau. They should have plenty of opportunities to score against a couple of goaltenders that have struggled a bit so far in the playoffs. Antti Niemi is an upgrade over the skittish Evgeni Nabokov for the Sharks and won the Cup last year in Chicago. The Canucks’ maddening Roberto Luongo has mixed brilliance with putridness throughout his career and is always good for a free goal. Hopefully, it won’t be an important one. The Canucks won the Presidents’ Trophy for a reason, while the Sharks always seem to go down in flames. I just don’t want to see another riot in Vancouver like in 1994. Canucks in 7

Happy Jason Day

Posted: May 13, 2011 by Keith Stone in Friday the 13th, Jason Voorhees
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Today is Friday the 13th, the birthday of our hero, the world’s greatest serial killer, Jason Voorhees. We honor him with a very special day in The Suite where we look at all things Jason. And remember, don’t mess with his mama.