Archive for the ‘Slutty Bartender’ Category

It’s the end of the year so let’s look back at some of the best moments in The Suite (and give Stone a break). This was originally published in the early morning hours of February 22 after the Knicks acquired Carmelo Anthony. Witness the birth of the Slutty Bartender Theory.

I went to Joshua Tree on 3rd Ave. on Sunday night (President’s Day FTW). One of the bartenders there was as sloppy as it gets. Big tits with a tight shirt, thong hanging out. She knew what she was doing when she was bending down. Every time you ordered a drink from her, she flirted so hard you expected her to take you into the bathroom in exchange for a tip. Every guy knows what I’m talking about.

As hot as she was, though, I got to thinking what I would have to go through to hook up with her. Even after seeing her shake her ass at every guy at the bar, I couldn’t say no when she asked me if I wanted another drink. How much money would I spend and how much of her slut antics would I put up with?

The Knicks finally acquired Carmelo Anthony on Monday night and it played out like the guy making a move for the slutty bartender. In the end, they bought plenty of drinks: Danilo Galinari, Wilson Chandler, Ray Felton, Timmy Mozgov, Anthony Randolph, Eddy Curry, a first-round draft pick, two second-round draft picks, and $3 million. It’s frustrating because it seems like they’re giving up a lot and maybe they didn’t need to. I think that as Knicks fans, it’s hard to say goodbye because these players were likable and it was fun to see them grow particularly after that horrid stretch from 2005-2007. The team is 28-26, though. They weren’t exactly setting the world on fire. Wilson Chandler is a restricted free agent at the end of the season and was unlikely to come back. Gallo had an extra year on his contract but it would have been tough to keep him when he became a free agent as well. Mozgov is a project. Ray Felton played great but has been struggling with injuries. Chauncey Billups will be a better replacement despite being on his last legs.

This girl is definitely going home with someone. The Russian guy at the end of the bar was ordering vodka tonics and telling her about his Jet Ski and some douche from LA wearing shades was circling. The Knicks are cooler but those guys made them step up. She’s not going home with the Knicks just because there’s nobody else there, but it’s a lot easier to persuade a girl to go to Midtown than Jersey or Brooklyn. They tried to play it cool and wait till closing time but their buddy in a band with the rich dad kept prodding them to buy more drinks and go for it right now. If the Knicks couldn’t seal the deal, he might start hanging out with his friend from Detroit a lot more. So they bought a couple extra rounds of shots and soon the chick was stumbling into a taxi.

If the Knicks didn’t make a move, maybe they make the second round of the playoffs, but without serious reinforcements would they ever contend? There’s no telling how long Amar’e is going to be playing as well as he is. Melo’s a top-15 player in the league and he makes the Knicks potentially greater than they would be with anyone they traded away. Melo is battle-tested. He’s played in 45 career playoff games in the significantly harder West. He’ll be ready to go up against the Bulls in the first round and won’t be afraid of the Heat, Celtics, and Magic.

It’s clear now that Melo wasn’t going to wait to become a free agent. The free agent class of 2012 is loaded but it’s so far away. The only players the Knicks have under contract for 2012-2013 are Amar’e, Melo, and Renaldo Balkman for about $45 million. Depending on the new CBA, they should still have some flexibility. This was really the Knicks’ one chance to get any game-changer until then and nobody knows what the new Collective Bargaining Agreement will bring. There may be franchise tags or a hard cap. You can bring the slutty bartender home and she might be a dude, but it’s worth the risk.

Ultimately, Amar’e and Carmelo are the cornerstones of this team. Their games do not complement each other, but they are gamers and maturing into leaders. Coach D is smart and will help them figure it out. All three of them have something to prove. Carmelo is coming to New York to show that this entire hassle was worth it. He and Amar’e need to rally the team around them and make a commitment to defense and rebounding. We all know they’re going to score. A lot. It’s how they do the other things that will make all the difference.

With a upgraded starting lineup but short bench, it’s going to be tough for the Knicks to contend for a title as currently constructed. However, the NBA is a superstar-driven league and now they have two. THE KEY IS THAT THE KNICKS HAVE TWO SUPERSTARS. The second- and sixth-leading scorers in the NBA are on the Knicks. You got the slutty bartender home before some other prick could swoop in and take her. What else can you ask for? You may have spent a ton of cash and lost some of your dignity but you had a hell of a night. The important thing is that you got her home. And if one day a girl from New Orleans, a bitchy Mormon, or a tall chick dressed as Superman want to join the fun, you’re right up there with the best of the best.

My slutty bartender didn’t have such a great night as the Knicks’ girl. After they started playing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” she tried to climb onto the bar and fell backwards into a mirror. She was helped away by a bouncer. I guess now I know what it’s like to be a Grizzlies fan.