Archive for the ‘Melo’ Category

Best of 2011: The Slutty Bartender

Posted: December 23, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Best of 2011, Knicks, Melo, NBA, Slutty Bartender
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It’s the end of the year so let’s look back at some of the best moments in The Suite (and give Stone a break). This was originally published in the early morning hours of February 22 after the Knicks acquired Carmelo Anthony. Witness the birth of the Slutty Bartender Theory.

I went to Joshua Tree on 3rd Ave. on Sunday night (President’s Day FTW). One of the bartenders there was as sloppy as it gets. Big tits with a tight shirt, thong hanging out. She knew what she was doing when she was bending down. Every time you ordered a drink from her, she flirted so hard you expected her to take you into the bathroom in exchange for a tip. Every guy knows what I’m talking about.

As hot as she was, though, I got to thinking what I would have to go through to hook up with her. Even after seeing her shake her ass at every guy at the bar, I couldn’t say no when she asked me if I wanted another drink. How much money would I spend and how much of her slut antics would I put up with?

The Knicks finally acquired Carmelo Anthony on Monday night and it played out like the guy making a move for the slutty bartender. In the end, they bought plenty of drinks: Danilo Galinari, Wilson Chandler, Ray Felton, Timmy Mozgov, Anthony Randolph, Eddy Curry, a first-round draft pick, two second-round draft picks, and $3 million. It’s frustrating because it seems like they’re giving up a lot and maybe they didn’t need to. I think that as Knicks fans, it’s hard to say goodbye because these players were likable and it was fun to see them grow particularly after that horrid stretch from 2005-2007. The team is 28-26, though. They weren’t exactly setting the world on fire. Wilson Chandler is a restricted free agent at the end of the season and was unlikely to come back. Gallo had an extra year on his contract but it would have been tough to keep him when he became a free agent as well. Mozgov is a project. Ray Felton played great but has been struggling with injuries. Chauncey Billups will be a better replacement despite being on his last legs.

This girl is definitely going home with someone. The Russian guy at the end of the bar was ordering vodka tonics and telling her about his Jet Ski and some douche from LA wearing shades was circling. The Knicks are cooler but those guys made them step up. She’s not going home with the Knicks just because there’s nobody else there, but it’s a lot easier to persuade a girl to go to Midtown than Jersey or Brooklyn. They tried to play it cool and wait till closing time but their buddy in a band with the rich dad kept prodding them to buy more drinks and go for it right now. If the Knicks couldn’t seal the deal, he might start hanging out with his friend from Detroit a lot more. So they bought a couple extra rounds of shots and soon the chick was stumbling into a taxi.

If the Knicks didn’t make a move, maybe they make the second round of the playoffs, but without serious reinforcements would they ever contend? There’s no telling how long Amar’e is going to be playing as well as he is. Melo’s a top-15 player in the league and he makes the Knicks potentially greater than they would be with anyone they traded away. Melo is battle-tested. He’s played in 45 career playoff games in the significantly harder West. He’ll be ready to go up against the Bulls in the first round and won’t be afraid of the Heat, Celtics, and Magic.

It’s clear now that Melo wasn’t going to wait to become a free agent. The free agent class of 2012 is loaded but it’s so far away. The only players the Knicks have under contract for 2012-2013 are Amar’e, Melo, and Renaldo Balkman for about $45 million. Depending on the new CBA, they should still have some flexibility. This was really the Knicks’ one chance to get any game-changer until then and nobody knows what the new Collective Bargaining Agreement will bring. There may be franchise tags or a hard cap. You can bring the slutty bartender home and she might be a dude, but it’s worth the risk.

Ultimately, Amar’e and Carmelo are the cornerstones of this team. Their games do not complement each other, but they are gamers and maturing into leaders. Coach D is smart and will help them figure it out. All three of them have something to prove. Carmelo is coming to New York to show that this entire hassle was worth it. He and Amar’e need to rally the team around them and make a commitment to defense and rebounding. We all know they’re going to score. A lot. It’s how they do the other things that will make all the difference.

With a upgraded starting lineup but short bench, it’s going to be tough for the Knicks to contend for a title as currently constructed. However, the NBA is a superstar-driven league and now they have two. THE KEY IS THAT THE KNICKS HAVE TWO SUPERSTARS. The second- and sixth-leading scorers in the NBA are on the Knicks. You got the slutty bartender home before some other prick could swoop in and take her. What else can you ask for? You may have spent a ton of cash and lost some of your dignity but you had a hell of a night. The important thing is that you got her home. And if one day a girl from New Orleans, a bitchy Mormon, or a tall chick dressed as Superman want to join the fun, you’re right up there with the best of the best.

My slutty bartender didn’t have such a great night as the Knicks’ girl. After they started playing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” she tried to climb onto the bar and fell backwards into a mirror. She was helped away by a bouncer. I guess now I know what it’s like to be a Grizzlies fan.

The Real Big Three

Posted: November 28, 2011 by Keith Stone in Amar'e, basketball, Knicks, Melo, NBA, Sesame Street
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During the lockout, Amar’e Stoudemire and Carmelo Anthony made a little trip to Sesame Street to chill with their buddy Grover and talk about the word “compare.” Melo was a little stiff but still turned in a better performance than the last video he filmed in the hood. At least he has that whole smiling thing down. Amar’e, on the other hand, has the makings of a young Idris Elba. As for Grover, the Nets might look to give him a $35 million contract after this performance.

Melo For NBA Players’ Union President

Posted: September 2, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Knicks, Melo, NBA, NBA lockout
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Carmelo Anthony isn’t a genius. Fuck, he only went to college for a year but he said something smart on Tuesday that’s better than anything else that’s come out about the lockout. Melo said, “Just let us play and continue to negotiate. That’s what we say.” Hell yes. Can I get a “Let them play” chant? He added, “I want a deal done, we all want a deal done. We just want it to be fair for both parties. We want to play basketball at the end of the day. We don’t care about none of that other stuff. They could settle that; just let us play and continue to negotiate.”

I’m glad somebody has the right attitude. It’s not going to be as easy as “Let’s keep playing and negotiating” but at least Melo cares more about money and pride. The new deal most likely won’t make either side too happy. Tough shit. The economy sucks. Move forward and get this season started on time.

ESPN

Chris Bosh Molested By the Dad From The Wonder Years?

Posted: August 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in basketball, Chris Bosh, Melo, NBA, TV
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Chris Bosh and Carmelo Anthony have signed on to play themselves on an upcoming episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. The episode, appropriately titled “Personal Fouls,” follows a coach that is suspected of doing bad things to former players. That coach will be portrayed by Dan Lauria, Kevin’s dad from The Wonder Years, in a role he was born to play. Not too many details have been released beyond that, but we can assume that the plot will revolve around how Bosh’s failures this season lead him to finally tell the truth about dirty old Coach Arnold. Carmelo, being the knight in shining armor that he is, will most likely be there to support someone in need. NBC isn’t going to be last in the ratings after this!

NBC

>Melo Dominates Cleveland, Tom Hanks

Posted: April 4, 2011 by Keith Stone in Knicks, Melo, Saturday Night Live
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Carmelo Anthony had a big weekend. He helped lead the Knicks to their first playoff berth since 2004 with a double-digit win over Cleveland and also did a little acting with a portrayal of female shotputter Carmela St. Knix on Saturday Night Live. Although he didn’t have many lines, Melo appeared in two sketches and I thought outshone a cameoing Tom Hanks. OK, maybe not but he was better than Shaq in Kazaam. Catch the clips here and here.

>The Knickerbocker Conundrum

Posted: March 31, 2011 by Keith Stone in Amar'e, Coach D, Knicks, Melo
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A lot has been made about the Knicks’ recent struggles. Before defeating Orlando, they lost nine out of 10 and six in a row including losses to juggernauts like Detroit, Milwaukee, and Charlotte. Melo has been here for 21 games now, more than a quarter of the season, so it’s fair to judge him and the team since the trade. But honestly, I can’t. I’m just confused.

When I used to run cross country in high school, I loved it when the people in front of me were too far ahead to catch but I couldn’t see anybody behind me. That way I didn’t have to run too fast but I wasn’t in danger of being passed.

The Knicks have been in a similar position for almost the entirety of the season. They couldn’t catch Atlanta but they weren’t going to miss the playoffs because the East is so weak. After the trade, it was expected that there might be growing pains but the results have been especially surprising.

There have been flashes but overall the quality of play has been perplexing. Against good teams, the Knicks look motivated and cohesive, but against also-rans, their play has been subpar. Unfortunately, the problems are defense and rebounding, which presumably are a matter of effort. Why is this happening?

Before Melo, the pecking order on the team was obvious. Amar’e was the star and everyone else followed suit. He was the engine that powered the team. The offense flowed through him but the entire team was involved.

Carmelo is one of the greatest creators in the NBA. Watching him, it’s absolutely astounding to see him play. He takes the ball to the hole like nobody else and the way he spins and dribbles the ball makes me question my sexuality.

But when Carmelo gets the ball, everything stops. He might be able to score 60% of the time, but is that better than if the ball gets spread around? On top of that, when guys don’t touch the ball, they become less involved in the game and their energy sags. It shoudn’t happen, but it does. You don’t want that to happen to Amar’e Stoudemire and you especially don’t want him to be unhappy because he’s not getting the ball. He’s earned it.

The Knicks’ offense was built around being up-tempo and finding the open man, not one-on-one play. In his third year in New York, and struggling after little success the past two years, Mike D’Antoni is on the hot seat. A lot of people are questioning whether he can make this arrangement work. It’s going to be tough but after turning Phoenix into a contender and revolutionizing the way offense is played, who better than Coach D to make it happen? It’s like having Wolfgang Puck make you waffles. Maybe he hasn’t made waffles in years, but when he gets the hang of it, those are going to be some fucking good waffles.

D’Antoni is too smart not to figure out how to make this work and Stat and Melo are committed to winning and sacrificing for the greater good. In time, Carmelo will have to learn to defer to Amar’e and his teammates more. The offense should still run through Amar’e with Carmelo an outlet in case the big guy gets stuck. Amar’e isn’t touching the ball enough anymore. This isn’t stuff you can learn on the fly and it’s going to take a lot of work over the summer to improve it.

The Knicks’ rotation is perilously short. When you’re starting Shelden Williams at center, you know you’re in trouble. Losing Chauncey Big Shot with his thigh injury did not help in getting the team to gel. Amar’e is already rightfully or wrongfully averaging a career high in minutes with a surgically repaired knee. Landry Fields is used to playing 30 games a year. Anthony Carter and Roger Mason Jr. are getting significant minutes. They traded away half their team. It’s incomplete. Leonardo da Vinci didn’t hang the Mona Lisa in the Louvre after he sketched out her smile. What Donnie Walsh (or whoever’s in charge) is going to have to do this summer is fill out this roster and make it complete for next year. An athletic defensive big man would be a good start and a dead-eye sharpshooter wouldn’t be so bad either.

This team is worn out and the playoffs are around the corner. What incentive does it have to bust its ass? Yeah, I know the fans are paying money but sixth or seventh place is pretty much a foregone conclusion with Boston and Miami waiting in the wings.

Personally, I want no part of Miami. Despite their problems, Queen James is going to be a beast in the first round of the playoffs. Boston is getting old and the Knicks could run on them. Either way, the identity of their playoff opponent is going to come down to wire and it will be daunting. Better to take it easy now than win a few games and be totally worn out for the playoffs.

So what is the problem? Is there a problem? The Nuggets have been rolling since the trade while the Knicks are crawling across the finish line and for the first time this season, people are starting to push the panic button. Realistically, there’s not one cause. Amar’e has proven that he’s a warrior and when Carmelo is determined to play defense and rebound, he is all-world. The Knicks have some good pieces and are definitely better than they’ve been playing recently. It’s upsetting and confusing to see them play so poorly against bad teams, but luckily (or not) they’re going to be playing somebody really good in about two weeks. I’m not afraid.

>This Is Why You Go Home With the Slutty Bartender

Posted: March 10, 2011 by Keith Stone in Knicks, Melo
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Knicks and Grizzlies tied at 108. Ten seconds left. Who does the ball go to?

>Farewell To Mediocrity

Posted: February 24, 2011 by Keith Stone in Knicks, Melo
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There was an energy in the Garden tonight, a real energy, unlike anything I’ve ever felt. Yeah, I wasn’t there when Willis came out of the tunnel, Messier raised the Stanley Cup, or Ali fought Frazier. I’m not saying that tonight was even on the level of those events. It was just different.

I was shocked at how many Carmelo jerseys people were wearing (even some for Chauncey Billups) and how crowded it was before the Knicks came out for warmups. When they did, Melo got a standing O. When he made his first shot in the layup line, people cheered. It was great. It also shows how desperate we are as a fanbase. The Garden may have over-dramatized things with the “I’m Coming Home” song during the starting lineups, but it’s not the first time. And this time, I think it was worth it.

The Knicks came out blazing and slowed down a little as expected. The chemistry actually wasn’t half bad. Amar’e and Melo deferred to each other. When Melo was double-teamed, he got it to Amar’e and vice versa. When teams have to worry about both of them, it really opens the court for guys like Landry Fields and Shawne Williams. Toney Douglas also had an outstanding game and should play a bigger role if can consistently take the ball to the hole. Chauncey Billups proved that he’s more than just a throw-in to the trade. He was a significant upgrade from Ray Felton. The D and rebounding was a little shaky but that’s going to get better with practice and hopefully an additional big body acquired before the trade deadline.
When the game was on the line, nobody backed down. Not the new guys. Not the old guys. Not the fans. Melo, Amar’e, and Chauncey have an uncanny knack to get to the line and that helps you win games. Melo made two big shots and that’s why we got him. He took 25 shots but it didn’t feel like he forced it too much. The key is to make sure everybody is involved and exploit the mismatches the team has on offense.
The Knicks will continue to improve. The role players need to come into their own and contribute. Opposing teams need to be kept off the boards. It will all take time. Right now, we know the Knicks are tough and they can score. Will that be enough? It’s a start.

>The Slutty Bartender

Posted: February 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in Knicks, Melo
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I went to Joshua Tree on 3rd Ave. on Sunday night (President’s Day FTW). One of the bartenders there was as sloppy as it gets. Big tits with a tight shirt, thong hanging out. She knew what she was doing when she was bending down. Every time you ordered a drink from her, she flirted so hard you expected her to take you into the bathroom in exchange for a tip. Every guy knows what I’m talking about.

As hot as she was, though, I got to thinking what I would have to go through to hook up with her. Even after seeing her shake her ass at every guy at the bar, I couldn’t say no when she asked me if I wanted another drink. How much money would I spend and how much of her slut antics would I put up with?

The Knicks finally acquired Carmelo Anthony on Monday night and it played out like the guy making a move for the slutty bartender. In the end, they bought plenty of drinks: Danilo Galinari, Wilson Chandler, Ray Felton, Timmy Mozgov, Anthony Randolph, Eddy Curry, a first-round draft pick, two second-round draft picks, and $3 million. It’s frustrating because it seems like they’re giving up a lot and maybe they didn’t need to. I think that as Knicks fans, it’s hard to say goodbye because these players were likable and it was fun to see them grow particularly after that horrid stretch from 2005-2007. The team is 28-26, though. They weren’t exactly setting the world on fire. Wilson Chandler is a restricted free agent at the end of the season and was unlikely to come back. Gallo had an extra year on his contract but it would have been tough to keep him when he became a free agent as well. Mozgov is a project. Ray Felton played great but has been struggling with injuries. Chauncey Billups will be a better replacement despite being on his last legs.

This girl is definitely going home with someone. The Russian guy at the end of the bar was ordering vodka tonics and telling her about his Jet Ski and some douche from LA wearing shades was circling. The Knicks are cooler but those guys made them step up. She’s not going home with the Knicks just because there’s nobody else there, but it’s a lot easier to persuade a girl to go to Midtown than Jersey or Brooklyn. They tried to play it cool and wait till closing time but their buddy in a band with the rich dad kept prodding them to buy more drinks and go for it right now. If the Knicks couldn’t seal the deal, he might start hanging out with his friend from Detroit a lot more. So they bought a couple extra rounds of shots and soon the chick was stumbling into a taxi.

If the Knicks didn’t make a move, maybe they make the second round of the playoffs, but without serious reinforcements would they ever contend? There’s no telling how long Amar’e is going to be playing as well as he is. Melo’s a top-15 player in the league and he makes the Knicks potentially greater than they would be with anyone they traded away. Melo is battle-tested. He’s played in 45 career playoff games in the significantly harder West. He’ll be ready to go up against the Bulls in the first round and won’t be afraid of the Heat, Celtics, and Magic.

It’s clear now that Melo wasn’t going to wait to become a free agent. The free agent class of 2012 is loaded but it’s so far away. The only players the Knicks have under contract for 2012-2013 are Amar’e, Melo, and Renaldo Balkman for about $45 million. Depending on the new CBA, they should still have some flexibility. This was really the Knicks’ one chance to get any game-changer until then and nobody knows what the new Collective Bargaining Agreement will bring. There may be franchise tags or a hard cap. You can bring the slutty bartender home and she might be a dude, but it’s worth the risk.

Ultimately, Amar’e and Carmelo are the cornerstones of this team. Their games do not complement each other, but they are gamers and maturing into leaders. Coach D is smart and will help them figure it out. All three of them have something to prove. Carmelo is coming to New York to show that this entire hassle was worth it. He and Amar’e need to rally the team around them and make a commitment to defense and rebounding. We all know they’re going to score. A lot. It’s how they do the other things that will make all the difference.

With a upgraded starting lineup but short bench, it’s going to be tough for the Knicks to contend for a title as currently constructed. However, the NBA is a superstar-driven league and now they have two. THE KEY IS THAT THE KNICKS HAVE TWO SUPERSTARS. The second- and sixth-leading scorers in the NBA are on the Knicks. You got the slutty bartender home before some other prick could swoop in and take her. What else can you ask for? You may have spent a ton of cash and lost some of your dignity but you had a hell of a night. The important thing is that you got her home. And if one day a girl from New Orleans, a bitchy Mormon, or a tall chick dressed as Superman want to join the fun, you’re right up there with the best of the best.

My slutty bartender didn’t have such a great night as the Knicks’ girl. After they started playing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” she tried to climb onto the bar and fell backwards into a mirror. She was helped away by a bouncer. I guess now I know what it’s like to be a Grizzlies fan.

>Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine

Posted: February 17, 2011 by Keith Stone in ESPN, Knicks, Melo, ridiculous
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ESPN.com has a new feature called the Carmelo Anthony Slot Machine. It may be the worst idea since Katy Perry married Russell Brand and I have no idea how it works. I just spun the wheel and got 4 Knicks Carmelos, 3 Nuggets Carmelos, and 1 Lakers Carmelo. What does that mean? Are we cloning Carmelo Anthony and having the greatest trade in NBA history when he gets traded for himself? Here’s the link. If anyone figures it out, let me know.