Archive for the ‘TV’ Category

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I must say, I have recently become a huge Bachelorette fan.  It is something my girlfriend got me into, and it simultaneously makes me laugh, makes me cringe, and makes me pause the television and go on extended rants.  While I watch it with my girlfriend, I believe this show should be required viewing for all single straight men.  Basically, every single man needs to find a competitive edge over their fellow single men.  Watching the Bachlorette takes very little effort – it takes two hours a week, and you barely have to pay attention.  You can do chores around the house, work out, or even write a blog post while watching it and not miss much.  By doing this, however, you will gain a competitive edge in the dating scene – you will be able to talk to women about the Bachelorette.  Now, I’ve heard the objections, such as “Won’t women find me less manly if I admit to watching the Bachelorette?”  Well, if a woman came up to you and started talking football, would you be turned off because she was less “woman-ly”?  Of course not!  There’s nothing hotter than a woman who knows her sports.  Not every woman will watch the Bachelorette, but it is a small investment with a potentially huge payout.

Anyway, how did the Bachelorette find itself in the Atlantic City Diary?  Well, the episode this week sent the Bachelorette and 13 of the finest bros to your favorite city and mine.  I’d be remiss if I couldn’t share their misadventures.  Anyway, as a departure from my normal diaries, here’s the breakdown of the whole ordeal, from start to finish.  Pour yourself a glass of white wine (the only way to read a Bachelorette recap) and dig in.

8:00PM – We start as many reality shows do – with a preview of what’s to come, and a recap of everything we’ve already seen.  There are 13 men left, and if they get roses we see them next week, and if they don’t, they have to leave.  You still following me?  Do you need me to repeat this?  No?  Good, let’s move on.

(Side note: the Bachelorette shows random tweets along the bottom of the screen from fans and former Bachelors/Bachelorettes.  There are fairly distracting, and I won’t be commenting on them.  However, there is a tweet in the beginning from Arie, one of my favorite suitors for Bachelorette Emily last season.  In it, he bashes New Jersey!  And that dude is from Arizona!  Only Jersey bros can bash Jersey!  Shame on you, Arie, you are dead to me).

Anyway, upon learning they are going to Atlantic City, the boys reach the level of excitement they are contractually obligated to meet.  The next two hours will be a shameless tourism commercial for my dying city, and these dudes sell it with all the muster 13 fame-whores can muster.  The most excited is Mikey T., a meathead who reminds me of Jersey Shore Ronnie’s drunken uncle.  He will henceforth be known as Drunken Ronnie Uncle Bro.

Bachelorette Desiree says in the most strained voice that she is “very excited to be there.”  The Atlantic City tourism board may be regretting the money they paid for this.  A bro named Kasey (to be called Hashtag Bro for his tendency to speak using the word “hashtag”) declares it “Las Vegas on the ocean.”  Hashtag I wish.

After the boys arrive, they receive the first date card.  Some random guy named Brad gets it.  I’ve been watching the show all season, and I don’t know who Brad is.  Apparently, neither do the other bros, as he is described as the quietest bro in the house.  By the way the other guys describe him, his odds of coming back from this date with a rose look worse than hitting a hard 10.

Desiree and Brad Bro walk the boardwalk, go on some rides, and eat some taffy that is cut to fit the mouth.  Meanwhile, Zak W. (aka Shirtless Bro) is glaring down on them from a suite in the Revel.  He wrings his hands and fumes in anger.  I worry about Shirtless Bro. Commercial!

8:11 – And we’re back!  Brad Bro and Desiree go to a sandcastle, and Brad lays down what he wants in a relationship, which is, quote, “nothing specific” and a “great mom.”  Glad we cleared that up, Brad Bro.

They go to dinner at a lighthouse, and Brad Bro turns up the charm by saying he hates people who “can’t be serious.”  Yeah, doesn’t laughing suck?  He spends more time examining his food during the date than talking to Desiree, and has difficulty describing the rides they went on that day.  So Desiree brings him up to the top of the lighthouse and gives him the old “It’s been a lot of fun” speech.  And Brad Bro hits the road.  That’s one less name to try to remember.  For some reason, Brad Bro cries in his goodbye interview.  I guess he truly hates not being serious.

8:23 – Now it’s time for the group date.  Eleven bros head to Boardwalk Hall to compete in a Mr. America contest/commercial for the Miss America pageant (coming to Atlantic City on September 15th – get your tickets today!).  On the way over, Shirtless Bro seems to be falling hard for Desiree, calling her a “shining light.”  Brooks, one of the more likeable bros, compares her to a “unicorn.”  Brooks always seems stoned, so I’ll be calling him Stoner Bro.  Michael G., however, is easily the deepest-in-the-closet bro, so I’ll simplify his name to Closet Bro.  Upon learning he will be in the Mr. America contest, he proclaims that he has dreamed of being Mr. America since he was a kid.  My girlfriend remarks, “He’s kidding, right?  He’s kidding?  He’s got to be kidding.  He’s kidding?”

The bros have to grab random props for the talent show.  A Latin hearthrob named Juan Pablo goes to work with a baton (Juan Pablo shall be called Hermano, FYI).  Juan Pablo has a Tony Parker-esque creep quality about him, in that you don’t want him within thirty yards of your girlfriend.  As my girlfriend said, “He’s the type of guy you fuck before you get into a serious relationship.”  Chris, the funny one who reminds my girlfriend of me (aka Rory Bro) immediately puts on high heels and prances about.

8:33 – We’re back into the Mr. America pageant.  The bros stress how embarrassing this will be to them.  For those new to the show, the bros complain about being embarrassed by every group date, whether it be being in a rap video, pretending to be cowboys, or playing dodgeball.  Basically, if they have to wear shorts, it is the most emasculating event of their lives.

They begin by asking the bros Miss America style questions.  Would you rather be fire or water?  The bro answers fire, but I would’ve answered water – you gotta make the girl wet (hey now!).  Stoner Bro gets a question about which animal he’d be, and without hesitation answers “Lion – he’s the king of the jungle!”  Rory Bro reminds me of me, by overly explaining his answer to comedic effect.  Drunken Ronnie Uncle Bro goes on an epic rant about how women don’t respect men’s feelings.  Good show, Drunken Ronnie Uncle Bro!

Next, they move on to the talent show.  Hashtag Bro does a terrible tap dancing routine, which Stoner Bro declares as “genius.”  Stoner Bro follows up the performance by singing a song on a ukulele, then smashing said ukulele.  Shirtless Bro seems surprisingly competent, with limited guitar skills yet a surprisingly strong singing voice.  Stoner Bro finishes in third, Shirtless Bro in second, and Hashtag Bro takes the top prize.

8:47 – After a tough day for the bros (especially tough for Closet Bro, who saw his childhood dream crushed), they hit a pool in Revel (which did not quite look like the pool I went to, but whatever).  The bros make several romantic overtures to woo Desiree for a much-coveted rose.  Rory Bro shares his poetry, while Bryden (aka Army Bro) uses his time to bitch about Ben (too many B-names!  This guy is Dad Bro, because he brought out his son in the first episode).  The producers have been trying to paint Dad Bro as the villain all season, and it seems like a stretch – all he does is talk to Desiree, and the other bros immediately get mad at him.

Shirtless Bro decides to use his time to continue his song from the Mr. America pageant.  It is a cringe-worthy scene that reminded me of Nick Andopolis singing “Lady L” to Lindsey Weir (how’s that reference for you?  I do watch good TV shows, too!).  However, this works for Shirtless Bro, and he comes away with the rose for the group date.

9:00 – After walking around in a robe and drawing himself a bubble bath, our final bro, James, is ready for his one-on-one date.  James shall henceforth be known as Nice Ronnie Bro, for he seems like the Nice Ronnie that Sammy Sweetheart and America fell in love with.  Here, however, the episode takes a serious tone.  Instead of a crazy, over-the-top date, they decide to tour the ravaged coast of post-Sandy New Jersey.  The latter half of the episode becomes an advertisement to help Sandy victims — not that I’m against this by any stretch of the imagination (my mom was displaced by Sandy, and finally moved back into her home last weekend after 7 months away), but it put a damper on the lightheartedness that comes along with every Bachelorette episode.  Oh well, it is nothing more white wine can’t solve.

9:09 – Nice Ronnie Bro and Desiree meet up with an old couple in Seaside, and “generously” give up their Atlantic City date to them.  Yes, what better place to send a couple that has lost everything than to a city whose mission statement is to make people lose everything.

9:20 – Instead of going to the Revel, where all the bros and previous dates were, the old couple is sent to the Showboat, so apparently the Bachelorette didn’t want to spoil these Sandy victims too much.  In a show with tons of fake, manufactured romance, however, we are actually treated to see two people in love, eating in an undisclosed location in Showboat.

Meanwhile, Nice Ronnie Bro and Desiree are getting pizza in the most upscale dive bar in Seaside Heights.  They share an awkward kiss, Nice Ronnie Bro describes the mortal sin of cheating on his girlfriend when he was a freshman in college, but proclaims he is ready for commitment.  Desiree is engrossed in Nice Ronnie Bro, for some reason.

9:30 – We go back to our favorite old couple in Showboat.  It is a sentimental date, but I’m kind of itching to see them do what all lovers in Atlantic City do – play slot machines for 12 hours.  Eventually, they are treated to a private concert by Hootie from Hootie and the Blowfish.  You have to love that Hootie became the most popular African-American country singer of his generation.  Nice Ronnie Bro and Desiree barge in on the date, and start making out in front of the old couple.  Nice Ronnie Bro earns the rose, and you are reminded that you should be giving to the Red Cross, you cheap bastard.

9:40 – Now, it is time for the Bachelorette staple – the rose ceremony.  Before there is a cocktail party, where the bros make their final statement to try to stay on until next week.  Army Bro feels doubtful about the process, and I can’t imagine why – everyone knows true love is only formed on reality TV!  He tries escape, but Desiree’s eyes bring him back in, and he’s around for another week.  Closet Bro’s overly-romantic overture is to spell out things that he loves about Desiree using all the letters in her name.  She is slightly impressed and slightly confused, and they share an incredibly awkward kiss.  Rory Bro gets her to pinky swear that they’ll be friends forever – a total Rory move.

9:51 – The roses are given out.  In order: Rory Bro, Stoner Bro, Hermano, Drew (aka Arizona Bro, since they always have a bro from Arizona on this show), Closet Bro, Dad Bro, Hashtag Bro, Army Bro, and Drunken Ronnie Uncle Bro.  The poor bro eliminated?  Some guy named Zak (not to be confused with Shirtless Bro aka other Zak).  I didn’t know he was on the show.  This Zak takes about 20 minutes to go down the escalators in Revel, attempts to cry, and makes a forgettable disappearance into obscurity.  Thanks for playing.

This concludes my first, and most likely last, Bachelorette recap.  I hope you all enjoyed reading about it as much as I enjoyed watching it.  And by that, I mean, I hope you drank a lot and feel slightly worse about yourself.

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It happens in every sport. From Peyton and Brady to Rodgers and Brees. From Jeter and A-Rod to Hamilton and Trout. These radical paradigm shifts don’t occur often but when they do, it happens quickly. Sometimes, like in the me-first NBA of the late 90’s, things go completely haywire and the quality of the product suffers. Luckily for us, this new crop of Challenge competitors has everything it takes to make this season one of the most memorable.

Gone are veterans like the beast CT and Paula Walnuts. In their place are perhaps the biggest collection of  rabble-rousers, miscreants, alcoholics, and skanks the world has ever seen in the most luxurious Challenge house ever. Battle of the Seasons is like a gourmet dish where all the ingredients perfectly create the ultimate taste. That makes TJ Lavin the Emeril Lagasse of it all. BAM! I can already smell the pungent aroma from the kitchen. It smells like semen and vomit—delicious! And of course, this season has the largest prize in Challenge history: four pairs of Dr. Dre headphones! Buckle you seat belts. This is going to be a bumpy ride and we don’t have a designated driver.

8. Austin
Wes was the only real veteran superstar invited to do Battle of the Seasons and he’s gone already. That’s right, there’s a new ginger sheriff in town and his name is Big Easy. Now you know things are changing. Poor form by Wes taking shots at him after losing. And what was up with his bizarre meeting after the Austin team was put up for elimination? Wes’s schtick is getting old. I was also looking forward to some Lacey. Her comment about Frank and Zach kissing penises was easily the best of the show. Despite the fact that she may have been the least athletic competitor in the history of the show, she ended up going in the HALL BRAWL elimination, and got rolled. Nice strategy. That leaves things up to Danny and Melinda (who somehow still keeps getting hotter). Did I mention that they’re divorced? Good luck with that.

7. San Diego
I didn’t watch the San Diego season because the roommates seemed appalling. Here’s what I learned about them from this episode. Frank and Taylor Kitsch are sometimes lovers. Frank may have a tiny drinking/anger problem. Ashley is hot. Sam has big boobs for a dude. Why couldn’t the Hollywood cast get back together? RIP Joey.

This Frank guy might actually be the wildest competitor we’ve ever seen. I’m sure he’s going to get kicked off or punched in the face within a week or two, but the dude really stirs shit up.

6. St. Thomas
Oh, how I missed these lovable kids ever since their show ended last week. You know this team has no chance to win with a genius like Trey as its spokesman. He’s going to pledge his loyalty to two different teams, get one of them pregnant, maintain his alliance with the other one and then awkwardly break it off. Also, isn’t it weird that Marie and Robb are still dating on the show even though we know it didn’t work out eventually? It’s like going back in a reality TV DeLorean. It also appears that Marie’s training has consisted of drinking Long Island iced teas.

The one advantage St. Thomas has is that none of the other teams have seen their show because The Challenge was filmed before their season aired. Nobody knows that Trey isn’t exactly a Rhodes scholar and Robb enjoys punching himself in the face. Let’s hope they find out soon.

5. Fresh Meat
The Fresh Meat crew had the most inauspicious surprise entrance since the Shockmaster. When TJ announced another team would be joining them, I assumed it would be an all-star lineup of Johnny Bananas, Mr. Beautiful, Jenn with 2 n’s, and Laurel, or something close. Instead, we get Big Easy? Brandon? Not mince meat but not exactly worthy of a special introduction.

The big man helped his team to victory but let’s be clear, he is going to cost them the money at some point. He is the Washington Generals of The Challenge. I know he lost 70 pounds. I know he said this is the start of a new day. But unless every elimination involves running over an opponent in a makeshift hallway, it’s not going to end well. I will continue to enjoy watching him fall off very high ledges, though. I can’t get enough of it. Also, watch for Cara freakouts. She already tried bailing on the elimination. Without Abram around to guide her, she’s a lost girl.

4. Brooklyn
The Brooklynites don’t get along very well, but Chet the Bow Tie-Wearing Mormon and especially Sarah have extensive Challenge experience, which will serve them well. This team flew under the radar, but Devyn is a huge drag. They would be better off without her and going streamlined with Sarah and Chet/JD. Bonus points for Sarah going blonde.

3. New Orleans
Really nice to see these kids again. I thought there was a lot of Challenge potential in the cast and now we’re finally going to see it unleashed. Jemmye looks like she has been enjoying her time on the bayou, especially the gumbo and bourbon. I’m sure her broken relationship with Knight will become an issue at some point, and by issue, I mean shitstorm.

Preston came through in the DON’T CROSS ME challenge but he is going to be a huge liability. I can see him getting eliminated and saying something into the camera like, “I may have lost but I proved to myself that I belong.” That don’t get you Dr. Dre headphones, homey. If lounging in a bikini on a ledge was an event, McKenzie would win five pairs of Dr. Dre headphones. This team may be the least physically imposing but most entertaining.

2. Las Vegas
Where is Roy Lee? Where is Mike Mike? As a consolation prize, we get Trishelle fresh off her runs as a pro poker player and wrestler. Hey, do what you know best, right? She’s still looking good. Along with Nany, Las Vegas has the hottest pair of chicks of any team. Two very diverse girls as well. Martin Luther King would be proud. Alton seems to have a secret admirer in Jasmine but if he’s smart, he’ll stay away.

And then there’s Dustin. Oh, Dustin. He revealed that he and Heather had a cute little roadtrip across the country before moving into the Frat Pad [NSFW!!!] together but why do I feel like he’s going to be making out with Frank at some point in the game?

1. Cancun
I loved the way this team played the game. They won the first challenge and instead of stepping softly and playing politics, they went right after the top conspirator, Wes, and eliminated him. It doesn’t hurt that Wes burned CJ during their last Challenge together, either. LMFAO would be so proud. I’m a little nervous about the females on this squad. Jasmine has always been a loose cannon, and the way Jonna dumped her guy back home was brutal. At some point, one of the two and hopefully both will be in someone’s face yelling and clapping their hands inches away from their rival’s eyes. Can’t make noise like that if you want to get through this game unscathed.

How Long Did This Take?

Posted: March 13, 2012 by Keith Stone in TV
Tags: ,


Do it, Rockapella.

Jabroni of the Week: Snooki

Posted: March 4, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis, TV
Tags: , , , ,

Snooki has the best job in the world. She gets paid an untold fortune for drinking, acting like an idiot, and talking about herself. Most of us do the same things for free. She could literally hold MTV hostage because the ratings for anything she does are so high. From Jersey Shore a spinoff featuring her and JWoww was being ready to be filmed in Jersey City. There was pretty much nothing Snooki could do to fuck up her career because her career was all about getting fucked up. Nothing besides getting pregnant.

You can’t get fucked up if you’re pregnant. You can’t get too fucked up once you have a kid. I’m sure there’s going to be a show called Snooki & Pregnant but MTV would really, really be stretching the limits of good taste. Surprisingly, some of us who watch Jersey Shore have standards. I don’t mind seeing Snooki do cartwheels with her thong hanging out. I don’t mind seeing Ronnie one shot guidos who give him a dirty look. I don’t mind the MVP kids continuously objectifying and mistreating chicks. But once a kid is involved, it’s not fair to drag him or her into this herpes-riddled mess.

How does Jionni let this happen? The kid fell into a goldmine. Sure, he has to bang Snooki but it’s a small price to pay to come along for the ride. Don’t think he doesn’t get a nice paycheck every time he pops up on the show. He has to do even less work than she does. If he gets into an argument with her once or twice a season, he’s done his job. Now he has to deal with a pregnant Snooki. Can you imagine what she’s going to be like when she’s pregnant or when she’s a mom? The smart play was to put up with this for a few years, bank some money, and have fun going places and getting comped because your girlfriend is a TV star. Not a bad life for your early 20’s. Now Jionni is going to have to deal with Snooki for 18 years. I thought he was supposed to be the conservative one. Shouldn’t he have been wearing two condoms at a time, even if she was infertile? Either that or dissolve extra birth control in her morning vodka.

Snooks, babe, I really hope you’ve been managing your money well. Forget about appearing at nightclubs or Wrestlemania anymore. You made more out of your life than should have been humanly possible. It really is a condemnation of our world as a whole, but hey, I can’t blame you for taking advantage of society’s ills. Remember what the MKS tells you before you go for #2, though. Always make the guy pull out or let him put it in your ass. If the most important rule at the Jersey Shore is never fall in love, surely this is next. May God have mercy on your baby’s soul. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

When you’re in la Republica Dominicana (or as our competitors call it “Dominicana Republica”) and you end up at a place called Club Oh No with 14 of the most debauched people in the world, you know you’re going to see fireworks. It might not have been on the same level as Vinny’s sexual assault on Mandi but Camila’s magical outburst did not disappoint. The fiery Brazilian wanted more attention from Johnny Bananas, so she proceeded to attempt to hook up with any local she could get her hands on.

When it was time to go home and Camila was basically dragged out of Club Oh No by her weary roommates, she did the most logical thing: she lay in wait in Johnny’s bed. Señor Bananas needs his beauty sleep so he sent some female lackeys to handle his partner. SHE DID NOT TAKE IT WELL. Needless to say, Jasmine would have been damn proud of Camila’s chair smashing. Finally, after getting so heated, she decided to cool off in the pool fully clothed. Just another night in the Challenge house.

ELIMINATED-Abram & Cara Maria (Last week: 6)
After proposing to Abram that they move in together, Cara Maria broke the maniac’s heart by changing her mind and deciding she wanted to wait a year for financial reasons. Hey Cara, if you need money you shouldn’t crush your partner before you’re about to compete in an elimination on a reality show in which you could win hundreds of thousands of dollars. Either that, or make a sex tape. So it’s time for this wacky couple to head home and my dream of mid-Challenge sex has to wait another season.

6. Rachel & Aneesa (LW: 5)
Team Ellen made nice with Mark and Robin after all the mud-slinging last week, but I can’t believe that their reborn friendship is too strong. I’m actually really upset their hasn’t been more lesbian action this season. Although Rachel is smoking hot and a physical force amongst the ladies in the competitions, I just can’t have this team higher unless she makes out with someone. Ball’s in your court, Rach!

5. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 4)
Again, it’s Paula to the rescue jumping into the pool in her non-matching underwear to rescue Camila. While not imposing at first sight, this team has done a great job at staying under-the-radar. They’re also getting along fairly well now, even calling each other “baby,” which a lot of the teams seem to be doing and is by far my favorite trend of the season. As long as this team doesn’t self-destruct, there’s a good chance they could make the Finals. With that said, I don’t like where Paula’s relationship with Ty is going. Any potential alliance with another group could make them a target of the Johnnys of the world, and the last thing Paula needs is for her emotions to get in the way of this wonderful game she’s playing. And I can’t believe I just said that.

4. Johnny Bananas & Camila (LW: 1)
Finally cracks are starting to emerge in what appeared to be the most stable team. Here’s what I don’t understand. Camila is a pretty cute girl. All Johnny needs to do is put it in her and she’ll be happy. Why won’t you satisfy this poor Brazilian girl, Johnny? There’s nothing hotter than banging a crying demon-girl with makeup smeared all over her face. As a handsome guy myself with great hair and awesome customized T-shirts, we attract a certain type of crazy chick. However, I’ve never been paired with one in an attempt to win cash and Dr. Dre headphones. A real man takes Camila into the baño at Club Oh No and takes care of his teammate. I’m pretty sure that’s what LeBron and D-Wade do at Mansion. Instead, Johnny hurls insults as Camila’s boobs are popping out in the pool. I guess Johnny has a right to be upset since she’s putting his “livelihood in jeopardy.” Hey, I’d be mad too if I might have to get a real job.

3. Ty & Emily (LW: 2)
This might be the only pairing where the dude is a liability. Emily is kicking ass and looking hot but Ty can’t seem to put a sentence together to explain why they shouldn’t keep going into the Dome. NEWS FLASH: the Power Couple usually throws in a couple they don’t like into the Dome. I was worried that Ty might run out of gas against Abram but he managed to put 30 seconds of physical exertion together, which is a new record for him. By the way, the over/under for how long he could last in bed with Paula is 20 seconds. The real tragedy of Battle of the Exes is that Laurel isn’t involved. She’s the only one that’s on Emily’s level when it comes to athleticism/bitchiness. Let’s hope they give me dome sometime, I mean, get in the Dome sometime.

2. CT & Diem (LW: 3)
CT, I beg you. Just put somebody through a wall. I can’t take any more of this lovelorn puppydog crap. I’ve also never seen anyone as bitchy as Diem is to CT during the Challenges when all he’s trying to do is help her. Sorry that he’s yelling “JUMP!” in his outdoor voice, honey. This isn’t Silent Library. CT’s insane strength still gives this team a huge advantage.

1. Mark & Robin (LW: 7)
We’ve reached the point in the season where there are no bad teams left and a good week could put a team on the brink back on top. That’s what happened with Mark and Robin. Old Man Mark absolutely destroyed the DON’T ROCK THE BOAT Challenge. Of course, Robin would get mad at me over that last sentence so let’s just say that they both did a great job. Robin’s jealously is definitely a giant X-factor for this team and a big reason why that although they might be the favorites today, they could easily be sent packing next week.

Last week’s rankings

Johnny Bananas sure has a way with the ladies. He and Camila are probably cuddling in bed as you read this, resting from a strenuous workout, speaking in Portuguese, and coming up with cute nicknames for each other. She better stay on his good side, though, because as we saw from this week’s episode, Mr. Bananas does not forget it when you wrong him. Yes, Johnny sent Rachel and Aneesa into the Dome as payback for something that happened on The Island. In case you’re wondering, The Island happened so long ago that Camila was in middle school when it came out (I’m assuming). Nevertheless, Rachel and Aneesa prevailed and now have their sights set on the house’s reigning power couple. Johnny Bananas has 99 problems and these bitches are one. Now let’s rank these degenerates, shall we?

Abortions

ELIMINATED-Tyrie & Jasmine (Last week: 8)
It’s been a rough Black History month. Whitney Houston died and half the NBA is injured, but more importantly, two black teams have been sent packing in a row. Did the producers really have to have a swimming Challenge in February? Tyrie and Jasmine had their usual roller coaster of a week. First, they were getting along. Then, they got into a raging argument. Of course, it’s never good when you fall on your partner’s head during a Challenge. Let’s hope we never see these two again.

7. Mark & Robin (LW: 2)
CRAZY ALERT! I almost forgot Robin was crazy. Almost. When Paula is giving you advice as you’re sobbing in your bed, you automatically move to last place in the power rankings. It was a really tough week for these two. Mark’s plan to jump off the spinning log early in the ROLLING IN THE DEEP Challenge backfired and the duo didn’t earn any political points as Robin awkwardly interacted with everybody and Mark threw Rachel under the bus, which could prove to be very important strategically and for karma purposes as the ranks get narrowed down. Does he really want to be on the show? Pitchers and catchers are almost due for the Yanks as well, so Robin may need to head to Tampa soon.

Sloppy Seconds

6. Abram & Cara Maria (LW: 7)
Did Abe give Cara a little kiss as they were getting out of the lagoon? If this couple can hold it together, they might have a chance to win but their behavior has been far too erratic. Abram provided my favorite part of the episode when he said a potential Ty-Paula relationship would be weird. Dude, you and Cara fucking whip each other!!! That’s a little weirder than two people hooking up at a bar. I also would have liked to see Abrama and Cara get a little more involved when everyone painted their faces Cirque du Soleil-style. If Abe painted his face like a horse, he probably would have won Cara’s heart forever.

5. Rachel & Aneesa (LW:5)
Lezbehonest, this team doesn’t stand a chance unless they fly under the radar but now that Rachel is being so combative with Johnny and Mark, it may not be long before they’re gone. On a positive note, I love Rachel’s arms. I don’t know if I’d rather get in her pants or have those triceps.

4. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 4)
Dunbar and Walnuts continue to shoot up the rankings as they learn to work with one another and get better at the competitions. Also, any chance we get to see Paula’s enormous fake titties in a bikini is fun for the whole family. In fact, I think I saw more silicone when the cast was on the beach than the last time I was at the Apple Store. You would think that Paula getting romantically involved with anybody (especially with a boyfriend back home) would be bad news but when she hooked up with Mike Mike last season, she won her first Challenge.

Love At First Sight

3. CT & Diem (LW: 3)
The domesticated beast CT finally had a relatively productive week as Diem’s nagging led to a somewhat above average performance in the Challenge. I know she’s pretty hot but I don’t get why CT wants to be with her so badly. He could maul any chick he wants. They just need to hook up already. When CT is fist pumping and smoking his cigs at the Dominican Republic’s swankiest bar and Diem is humping every inanimate object in sight, it’s obvious they want each other. But back home as he’s sipping that wine and his thick Boston accent comes out, it doesn’t sound like wants to win. All this team needs to do is hook up and they will destroy the competition, and yet, Diem will not let it happen. As CT himself put it, he and Diem aren’t just not on the same page, he doesn’t know what book she’s reading. What happened to the monster that said he would eat Adam’s heart? He turned into a librarian.

2. Ty & Emily (LW: 4)
I found this picture of Emily during my extensive research.
That is all.

1. Johnny Bananas & Camila Peanut Butter (LW: 1)
We touched on this earlier, but Johnny Bananas is a lover and a fighter. In what may have been the sweetest moment in Challenge history, T.J. told the duo they killed it, and Johnny kissed the top of Camila’s head. It was like The Notebook of MTV reality show moments. These two are so in sync with each other, I don’t think Justin Timberlake and Joey Fatone could do it any better. Whether it’s swimming side-by-side to another Challenge victory or using silly puns of each other’s names to discuss said victories, this team always seems to manage to finish camilaseconds ahead of their rivals. You know you like a girl when you start making puns with her name. I can’t wait till next episode when Camila’s boobs are censored with little Johnny heads. Bananas still managed to create mischief around the house as always by smashing a bottle of wine in Cara’s boot and forcing Ty to make a play for Paula under threat of sending him to the Dome. However, Johnny and Camila better pray that Rachel and Aneesa don’t end up the next power couple or they will most certainly head to the Dome.

Last week’s rankings

The producers of The Challenge are obviously trying to break somebody’s face. That’s the only reason I can imagine they set up the MENTAL CONNECTION challenge. I love seeing the competitors answer trivia questions more than anybody, but when a wrong answer sends them face first into a lagoon 25 feet below, you are asking for trouble. These people don’t have many brain cells to begin with, how are sustained blows to the head going to help? If Brad was on Battle of the Exes, he would have been killed. This week, we also saw Dustin and Heather leave due to a gash Dustin sustained by slipping as he was climbing stairs by the pool. Apparently, the only thing he’s capable of climbing by the pool are Latin guys named Julio. Rankings!

Abortions

ELIMINATED-Roy Lee & Naomi (Last week: 2)
Naomi was one of the weakest competitors and it finally caught up to the fierce Roy Lee. It’s unfortunate but he’ll be back for years to come. I hate to accuse the greatest TV show of all-time of any racism, but the trivia questions were more biased than the SAT’s. How is Roy Lee supposed to know anything about Mick Jagger and Cher? Let’s get some questions about Eddie Murphy and KRS-One the next time around.

8. Tyrie & Jasmine (LW: 10)
Back in their usual last place spot, this team has officially been crowned the winner of the Shauvon Memorial “These Guys Can’t Win So Let’s Keep Them Around” Award. This was also the first week Jasmine didn’t destroy anything in the house. It’s all about progress.

7. Abram & Cara Maria (LW: 6)
Apparently, Abram and his hand tattoos are insane. Maybe it was an oversight on my part but I thought he was simply eccentric. This week, he was upset that Cara Maria doesn’t take their relationship more seriously, so he bypassed the house debauchery for antisocial sulking and a late-night jungle workout. Did I mention that he cried when Diem told him about her and CT’s history? This team might be the next one of the block. They have the chemistry of Shaq and Kobe in 2004. Abram should’ve known that he could never get in the way of a girl and her horse.

Sloppy Seconds

6. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 8)
Despite the fact that these two geniuses improbably won the challenge, they completely butchered being the power couple. By sending  Ty and Emily to the Dome, they pissed Emily off and you DO NOT want an Amazon version of Scarlett Johansson to be be pissed off at you. This brings up a good point. It’s probably better not being the power couple. Sure, you’re safe for a day but if whatever team you send to the Dome comes back, they’re going to be after you.

5. Rachel & Aneesa (LW: 5)
T.J. loves throwing people of the show, whether you sexually assault another competitor or slip on a set of stairs. It looked like he was going to get a shot at this team after Aneesa had a particularly hard fall on her face. But she sucked it up and no doubt that means a lot in T.J.’s eyes. If there’s one thing you don’t want to do in this game, it’s make T.J. mad or answer trivia questions about him wrong.

4. Ty & Emily (LW: 7)
I can’t put this team any higher because Ty gets tired after about ten seconds of physical exertion. It must suck to be his girlfriend. Emily also broke my little heart after she didn’t know what sport Michael Jordan played during his first retirement. That’s a dealbreaker for me. Ty and Emily also got extremely lucky they went against Roy Lee and Naomi in the Dome. Making the girl complete the hard part of these competitions is a strategy that usually doesn’t pan out.

Love At First Sight

3. CT & Diem (LW: 4)
Trivia questions don’t really play to CT’s strength. That mainly involves games where he is able to hit his opponents. Diem also seems to be having trouble with her possibly reemerging feelings for CT. Part of me wants them to fall in love and have lots of little monster babies. The other part wants her to break his heart again and have him murder the entire cast and crew. Let’s see which one happens!

2. Mark & Robin (LW: 2)
This team quietly moves along in the game. They’re not the strongest but that’s almost a good thing. While all the big threats get weeded out, they go under-the-radar. Make no mistake, this group knows what they’re doing. Even when Mark was being thrown into the water, he flipped so effortlessly that he barely made a splash. In the biz, we call that veteran savvy.

1. Johnny Bananas & Camila (LW:1)
Looks like we finally found Johnny Bananas’s weakness: movie trivia. This was a much needed quiet week for these two, but they remain at the top of the heap and still exert the most power in the house. I also really dig Camila’s accent. It sounds like she’s partially deaf or something. Sexy!

Last week’s rankings