Posts Tagged ‘MTV’

It happens in every sport. From Peyton and Brady to Rodgers and Brees. From Jeter and A-Rod to Hamilton and Trout. These radical paradigm shifts don’t occur often but when they do, it happens quickly. Sometimes, like in the me-first NBA of the late 90’s, things go completely haywire and the quality of the product suffers. Luckily for us, this new crop of Challenge competitors has everything it takes to make this season one of the most memorable.

Gone are veterans like the beast CT and Paula Walnuts. In their place are perhaps the biggest collection of  rabble-rousers, miscreants, alcoholics, and skanks the world has ever seen in the most luxurious Challenge house ever. Battle of the Seasons is like a gourmet dish where all the ingredients perfectly create the ultimate taste. That makes TJ Lavin the Emeril Lagasse of it all. BAM! I can already smell the pungent aroma from the kitchen. It smells like semen and vomit—delicious! And of course, this season has the largest prize in Challenge history: four pairs of Dr. Dre headphones! Buckle you seat belts. This is going to be a bumpy ride and we don’t have a designated driver.

8. Austin
Wes was the only real veteran superstar invited to do Battle of the Seasons and he’s gone already. That’s right, there’s a new ginger sheriff in town and his name is Big Easy. Now you know things are changing. Poor form by Wes taking shots at him after losing. And what was up with his bizarre meeting after the Austin team was put up for elimination? Wes’s schtick is getting old. I was also looking forward to some Lacey. Her comment about Frank and Zach kissing penises was easily the best of the show. Despite the fact that she may have been the least athletic competitor in the history of the show, she ended up going in the HALL BRAWL elimination, and got rolled. Nice strategy. That leaves things up to Danny and Melinda (who somehow still keeps getting hotter). Did I mention that they’re divorced? Good luck with that.

7. San Diego
I didn’t watch the San Diego season because the roommates seemed appalling. Here’s what I learned about them from this episode. Frank and Taylor Kitsch are sometimes lovers. Frank may have a tiny drinking/anger problem. Ashley is hot. Sam has big boobs for a dude. Why couldn’t the Hollywood cast get back together? RIP Joey.

This Frank guy might actually be the wildest competitor we’ve ever seen. I’m sure he’s going to get kicked off or punched in the face within a week or two, but the dude really stirs shit up.

6. St. Thomas
Oh, how I missed these lovable kids ever since their show ended last week. You know this team has no chance to win with a genius like Trey as its spokesman. He’s going to pledge his loyalty to two different teams, get one of them pregnant, maintain his alliance with the other one and then awkwardly break it off. Also, isn’t it weird that Marie and Robb are still dating on the show even though we know it didn’t work out eventually? It’s like going back in a reality TV DeLorean. It also appears that Marie’s training has consisted of drinking Long Island iced teas.

The one advantage St. Thomas has is that none of the other teams have seen their show because The Challenge was filmed before their season aired. Nobody knows that Trey isn’t exactly a Rhodes scholar and Robb enjoys punching himself in the face. Let’s hope they find out soon.

5. Fresh Meat
The Fresh Meat crew had the most inauspicious surprise entrance since the Shockmaster. When TJ announced another team would be joining them, I assumed it would be an all-star lineup of Johnny Bananas, Mr. Beautiful, Jenn with 2 n’s, and Laurel, or something close. Instead, we get Big Easy? Brandon? Not mince meat but not exactly worthy of a special introduction.

The big man helped his team to victory but let’s be clear, he is going to cost them the money at some point. He is the Washington Generals of The Challenge. I know he lost 70 pounds. I know he said this is the start of a new day. But unless every elimination involves running over an opponent in a makeshift hallway, it’s not going to end well. I will continue to enjoy watching him fall off very high ledges, though. I can’t get enough of it. Also, watch for Cara freakouts. She already tried bailing on the elimination. Without Abram around to guide her, she’s a lost girl.

4. Brooklyn
The Brooklynites don’t get along very well, but Chet the Bow Tie-Wearing Mormon and especially Sarah have extensive Challenge experience, which will serve them well. This team flew under the radar, but Devyn is a huge drag. They would be better off without her and going streamlined with Sarah and Chet/JD. Bonus points for Sarah going blonde.

3. New Orleans
Really nice to see these kids again. I thought there was a lot of Challenge potential in the cast and now we’re finally going to see it unleashed. Jemmye looks like she has been enjoying her time on the bayou, especially the gumbo and bourbon. I’m sure her broken relationship with Knight will become an issue at some point, and by issue, I mean shitstorm.

Preston came through in the DON’T CROSS ME challenge but he is going to be a huge liability. I can see him getting eliminated and saying something into the camera like, “I may have lost but I proved to myself that I belong.” That don’t get you Dr. Dre headphones, homey. If lounging in a bikini on a ledge was an event, McKenzie would win five pairs of Dr. Dre headphones. This team may be the least physically imposing but most entertaining.

2. Las Vegas
Where is Roy Lee? Where is Mike Mike? As a consolation prize, we get Trishelle fresh off her runs as a pro poker player and wrestler. Hey, do what you know best, right? She’s still looking good. Along with Nany, Las Vegas has the hottest pair of chicks of any team. Two very diverse girls as well. Martin Luther King would be proud. Alton seems to have a secret admirer in Jasmine but if he’s smart, he’ll stay away.

And then there’s Dustin. Oh, Dustin. He revealed that he and Heather had a cute little roadtrip across the country before moving into the Frat Pad [NSFW!!!] together but why do I feel like he’s going to be making out with Frank at some point in the game?

1. Cancun
I loved the way this team played the game. They won the first challenge and instead of stepping softly and playing politics, they went right after the top conspirator, Wes, and eliminated him. It doesn’t hurt that Wes burned CJ during their last Challenge together, either. LMFAO would be so proud. I’m a little nervous about the females on this squad. Jasmine has always been a loose cannon, and the way Jonna dumped her guy back home was brutal. At some point, one of the two and hopefully both will be in someone’s face yelling and clapping their hands inches away from their rival’s eyes. Can’t make noise like that if you want to get through this game unscathed.

Jabroni of the Week: Snooki

Posted: March 4, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis, TV
Tags: , , , ,

Snooki has the best job in the world. She gets paid an untold fortune for drinking, acting like an idiot, and talking about herself. Most of us do the same things for free. She could literally hold MTV hostage because the ratings for anything she does are so high. From Jersey Shore a spinoff featuring her and JWoww was being ready to be filmed in Jersey City. There was pretty much nothing Snooki could do to fuck up her career because her career was all about getting fucked up. Nothing besides getting pregnant.

You can’t get fucked up if you’re pregnant. You can’t get too fucked up once you have a kid. I’m sure there’s going to be a show called Snooki & Pregnant but MTV would really, really be stretching the limits of good taste. Surprisingly, some of us who watch Jersey Shore have standards. I don’t mind seeing Snooki do cartwheels with her thong hanging out. I don’t mind seeing Ronnie one shot guidos who give him a dirty look. I don’t mind the MVP kids continuously objectifying and mistreating chicks. But once a kid is involved, it’s not fair to drag him or her into this herpes-riddled mess.

How does Jionni let this happen? The kid fell into a goldmine. Sure, he has to bang Snooki but it’s a small price to pay to come along for the ride. Don’t think he doesn’t get a nice paycheck every time he pops up on the show. He has to do even less work than she does. If he gets into an argument with her once or twice a season, he’s done his job. Now he has to deal with a pregnant Snooki. Can you imagine what she’s going to be like when she’s pregnant or when she’s a mom? The smart play was to put up with this for a few years, bank some money, and have fun going places and getting comped because your girlfriend is a TV star. Not a bad life for your early 20’s. Now Jionni is going to have to deal with Snooki for 18 years. I thought he was supposed to be the conservative one. Shouldn’t he have been wearing two condoms at a time, even if she was infertile? Either that or dissolve extra birth control in her morning vodka.

Snooks, babe, I really hope you’ve been managing your money well. Forget about appearing at nightclubs or Wrestlemania anymore. You made more out of your life than should have been humanly possible. It really is a condemnation of our world as a whole, but hey, I can’t blame you for taking advantage of society’s ills. Remember what the MKS tells you before you go for #2, though. Always make the guy pull out or let him put it in your ass. If the most important rule at the Jersey Shore is never fall in love, surely this is next. May God have mercy on your baby’s soul. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

When you’re in la Republica Dominicana (or as our competitors call it “Dominicana Republica”) and you end up at a place called Club Oh No with 14 of the most debauched people in the world, you know you’re going to see fireworks. It might not have been on the same level as Vinny’s sexual assault on Mandi but Camila’s magical outburst did not disappoint. The fiery Brazilian wanted more attention from Johnny Bananas, so she proceeded to attempt to hook up with any local she could get her hands on.

When it was time to go home and Camila was basically dragged out of Club Oh No by her weary roommates, she did the most logical thing: she lay in wait in Johnny’s bed. Señor Bananas needs his beauty sleep so he sent some female lackeys to handle his partner. SHE DID NOT TAKE IT WELL. Needless to say, Jasmine would have been damn proud of Camila’s chair smashing. Finally, after getting so heated, she decided to cool off in the pool fully clothed. Just another night in the Challenge house.

ELIMINATED-Abram & Cara Maria (Last week: 6)
After proposing to Abram that they move in together, Cara Maria broke the maniac’s heart by changing her mind and deciding she wanted to wait a year for financial reasons. Hey Cara, if you need money you shouldn’t crush your partner before you’re about to compete in an elimination on a reality show in which you could win hundreds of thousands of dollars. Either that, or make a sex tape. So it’s time for this wacky couple to head home and my dream of mid-Challenge sex has to wait another season.

6. Rachel & Aneesa (LW: 5)
Team Ellen made nice with Mark and Robin after all the mud-slinging last week, but I can’t believe that their reborn friendship is too strong. I’m actually really upset their hasn’t been more lesbian action this season. Although Rachel is smoking hot and a physical force amongst the ladies in the competitions, I just can’t have this team higher unless she makes out with someone. Ball’s in your court, Rach!

5. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 4)
Again, it’s Paula to the rescue jumping into the pool in her non-matching underwear to rescue Camila. While not imposing at first sight, this team has done a great job at staying under-the-radar. They’re also getting along fairly well now, even calling each other “baby,” which a lot of the teams seem to be doing and is by far my favorite trend of the season. As long as this team doesn’t self-destruct, there’s a good chance they could make the Finals. With that said, I don’t like where Paula’s relationship with Ty is going. Any potential alliance with another group could make them a target of the Johnnys of the world, and the last thing Paula needs is for her emotions to get in the way of this wonderful game she’s playing. And I can’t believe I just said that.

4. Johnny Bananas & Camila (LW: 1)
Finally cracks are starting to emerge in what appeared to be the most stable team. Here’s what I don’t understand. Camila is a pretty cute girl. All Johnny needs to do is put it in her and she’ll be happy. Why won’t you satisfy this poor Brazilian girl, Johnny? There’s nothing hotter than banging a crying demon-girl with makeup smeared all over her face. As a handsome guy myself with great hair and awesome customized T-shirts, we attract a certain type of crazy chick. However, I’ve never been paired with one in an attempt to win cash and Dr. Dre headphones. A real man takes Camila into the baño at Club Oh No and takes care of his teammate. I’m pretty sure that’s what LeBron and D-Wade do at Mansion. Instead, Johnny hurls insults as Camila’s boobs are popping out in the pool. I guess Johnny has a right to be upset since she’s putting his “livelihood in jeopardy.” Hey, I’d be mad too if I might have to get a real job.

3. Ty & Emily (LW: 2)
This might be the only pairing where the dude is a liability. Emily is kicking ass and looking hot but Ty can’t seem to put a sentence together to explain why they shouldn’t keep going into the Dome. NEWS FLASH: the Power Couple usually throws in a couple they don’t like into the Dome. I was worried that Ty might run out of gas against Abram but he managed to put 30 seconds of physical exertion together, which is a new record for him. By the way, the over/under for how long he could last in bed with Paula is 20 seconds. The real tragedy of Battle of the Exes is that Laurel isn’t involved. She’s the only one that’s on Emily’s level when it comes to athleticism/bitchiness. Let’s hope they give me dome sometime, I mean, get in the Dome sometime.

2. CT & Diem (LW: 3)
CT, I beg you. Just put somebody through a wall. I can’t take any more of this lovelorn puppydog crap. I’ve also never seen anyone as bitchy as Diem is to CT during the Challenges when all he’s trying to do is help her. Sorry that he’s yelling “JUMP!” in his outdoor voice, honey. This isn’t Silent Library. CT’s insane strength still gives this team a huge advantage.

1. Mark & Robin (LW: 7)
We’ve reached the point in the season where there are no bad teams left and a good week could put a team on the brink back on top. That’s what happened with Mark and Robin. Old Man Mark absolutely destroyed the DON’T ROCK THE BOAT Challenge. Of course, Robin would get mad at me over that last sentence so let’s just say that they both did a great job. Robin’s jealously is definitely a giant X-factor for this team and a big reason why that although they might be the favorites today, they could easily be sent packing next week.

Last week’s rankings

Johnny Bananas sure has a way with the ladies. He and Camila are probably cuddling in bed as you read this, resting from a strenuous workout, speaking in Portuguese, and coming up with cute nicknames for each other. She better stay on his good side, though, because as we saw from this week’s episode, Mr. Bananas does not forget it when you wrong him. Yes, Johnny sent Rachel and Aneesa into the Dome as payback for something that happened on The Island. In case you’re wondering, The Island happened so long ago that Camila was in middle school when it came out (I’m assuming). Nevertheless, Rachel and Aneesa prevailed and now have their sights set on the house’s reigning power couple. Johnny Bananas has 99 problems and these bitches are one. Now let’s rank these degenerates, shall we?


ELIMINATED-Tyrie & Jasmine (Last week: 8)
It’s been a rough Black History month. Whitney Houston died and half the NBA is injured, but more importantly, two black teams have been sent packing in a row. Did the producers really have to have a swimming Challenge in February? Tyrie and Jasmine had their usual roller coaster of a week. First, they were getting along. Then, they got into a raging argument. Of course, it’s never good when you fall on your partner’s head during a Challenge. Let’s hope we never see these two again.

7. Mark & Robin (LW: 2)
CRAZY ALERT! I almost forgot Robin was crazy. Almost. When Paula is giving you advice as you’re sobbing in your bed, you automatically move to last place in the power rankings. It was a really tough week for these two. Mark’s plan to jump off the spinning log early in the ROLLING IN THE DEEP Challenge backfired and the duo didn’t earn any political points as Robin awkwardly interacted with everybody and Mark threw Rachel under the bus, which could prove to be very important strategically and for karma purposes as the ranks get narrowed down. Does he really want to be on the show? Pitchers and catchers are almost due for the Yanks as well, so Robin may need to head to Tampa soon.

Sloppy Seconds

6. Abram & Cara Maria (LW: 7)
Did Abe give Cara a little kiss as they were getting out of the lagoon? If this couple can hold it together, they might have a chance to win but their behavior has been far too erratic. Abram provided my favorite part of the episode when he said a potential Ty-Paula relationship would be weird. Dude, you and Cara fucking whip each other!!! That’s a little weirder than two people hooking up at a bar. I also would have liked to see Abrama and Cara get a little more involved when everyone painted their faces Cirque du Soleil-style. If Abe painted his face like a horse, he probably would have won Cara’s heart forever.

5. Rachel & Aneesa (LW:5)
Lezbehonest, this team doesn’t stand a chance unless they fly under the radar but now that Rachel is being so combative with Johnny and Mark, it may not be long before they’re gone. On a positive note, I love Rachel’s arms. I don’t know if I’d rather get in her pants or have those triceps.

4. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 4)
Dunbar and Walnuts continue to shoot up the rankings as they learn to work with one another and get better at the competitions. Also, any chance we get to see Paula’s enormous fake titties in a bikini is fun for the whole family. In fact, I think I saw more silicone when the cast was on the beach than the last time I was at the Apple Store. You would think that Paula getting romantically involved with anybody (especially with a boyfriend back home) would be bad news but when she hooked up with Mike Mike last season, she won her first Challenge.

Love At First Sight

3. CT & Diem (LW: 3)
The domesticated beast CT finally had a relatively productive week as Diem’s nagging led to a somewhat above average performance in the Challenge. I know she’s pretty hot but I don’t get why CT wants to be with her so badly. He could maul any chick he wants. They just need to hook up already. When CT is fist pumping and smoking his cigs at the Dominican Republic’s swankiest bar and Diem is humping every inanimate object in sight, it’s obvious they want each other. But back home as he’s sipping that wine and his thick Boston accent comes out, it doesn’t sound like wants to win. All this team needs to do is hook up and they will destroy the competition, and yet, Diem will not let it happen. As CT himself put it, he and Diem aren’t just not on the same page, he doesn’t know what book she’s reading. What happened to the monster that said he would eat Adam’s heart? He turned into a librarian.

2. Ty & Emily (LW: 4)
I found this picture of Emily during my extensive research.
That is all.

1. Johnny Bananas & Camila Peanut Butter (LW: 1)
We touched on this earlier, but Johnny Bananas is a lover and a fighter. In what may have been the sweetest moment in Challenge history, T.J. told the duo they killed it, and Johnny kissed the top of Camila’s head. It was like The Notebook of MTV reality show moments. These two are so in sync with each other, I don’t think Justin Timberlake and Joey Fatone could do it any better. Whether it’s swimming side-by-side to another Challenge victory or using silly puns of each other’s names to discuss said victories, this team always seems to manage to finish camilaseconds ahead of their rivals. You know you like a girl when you start making puns with her name. I can’t wait till next episode when Camila’s boobs are censored with little Johnny heads. Bananas still managed to create mischief around the house as always by smashing a bottle of wine in Cara’s boot and forcing Ty to make a play for Paula under threat of sending him to the Dome. However, Johnny and Camila better pray that Rachel and Aneesa don’t end up the next power couple or they will most certainly head to the Dome.

Last week’s rankings

The producers of The Challenge are obviously trying to break somebody’s face. That’s the only reason I can imagine they set up the MENTAL CONNECTION challenge. I love seeing the competitors answer trivia questions more than anybody, but when a wrong answer sends them face first into a lagoon 25 feet below, you are asking for trouble. These people don’t have many brain cells to begin with, how are sustained blows to the head going to help? If Brad was on Battle of the Exes, he would have been killed. This week, we also saw Dustin and Heather leave due to a gash Dustin sustained by slipping as he was climbing stairs by the pool. Apparently, the only thing he’s capable of climbing by the pool are Latin guys named Julio. Rankings!


ELIMINATED-Roy Lee & Naomi (Last week: 2)
Naomi was one of the weakest competitors and it finally caught up to the fierce Roy Lee. It’s unfortunate but he’ll be back for years to come. I hate to accuse the greatest TV show of all-time of any racism, but the trivia questions were more biased than the SAT’s. How is Roy Lee supposed to know anything about Mick Jagger and Cher? Let’s get some questions about Eddie Murphy and KRS-One the next time around.

8. Tyrie & Jasmine (LW: 10)
Back in their usual last place spot, this team has officially been crowned the winner of the Shauvon Memorial “These Guys Can’t Win So Let’s Keep Them Around” Award. This was also the first week Jasmine didn’t destroy anything in the house. It’s all about progress.

7. Abram & Cara Maria (LW: 6)
Apparently, Abram and his hand tattoos are insane. Maybe it was an oversight on my part but I thought he was simply eccentric. This week, he was upset that Cara Maria doesn’t take their relationship more seriously, so he bypassed the house debauchery for antisocial sulking and a late-night jungle workout. Did I mention that he cried when Diem told him about her and CT’s history? This team might be the next one of the block. They have the chemistry of Shaq and Kobe in 2004. Abram should’ve known that he could never get in the way of a girl and her horse.

Sloppy Seconds

6. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 8)
Despite the fact that these two geniuses improbably won the challenge, they completely butchered being the power couple. By sending  Ty and Emily to the Dome, they pissed Emily off and you DO NOT want an Amazon version of Scarlett Johansson to be be pissed off at you. This brings up a good point. It’s probably better not being the power couple. Sure, you’re safe for a day but if whatever team you send to the Dome comes back, they’re going to be after you.

5. Rachel & Aneesa (LW: 5)
T.J. loves throwing people of the show, whether you sexually assault another competitor or slip on a set of stairs. It looked like he was going to get a shot at this team after Aneesa had a particularly hard fall on her face. But she sucked it up and no doubt that means a lot in T.J.’s eyes. If there’s one thing you don’t want to do in this game, it’s make T.J. mad or answer trivia questions about him wrong.

4. Ty & Emily (LW: 7)
I can’t put this team any higher because Ty gets tired after about ten seconds of physical exertion. It must suck to be his girlfriend. Emily also broke my little heart after she didn’t know what sport Michael Jordan played during his first retirement. That’s a dealbreaker for me. Ty and Emily also got extremely lucky they went against Roy Lee and Naomi in the Dome. Making the girl complete the hard part of these competitions is a strategy that usually doesn’t pan out.

Love At First Sight

3. CT & Diem (LW: 4)
Trivia questions don’t really play to CT’s strength. That mainly involves games where he is able to hit his opponents. Diem also seems to be having trouble with her possibly reemerging feelings for CT. Part of me wants them to fall in love and have lots of little monster babies. The other part wants her to break his heart again and have him murder the entire cast and crew. Let’s see which one happens!

2. Mark & Robin (LW: 2)
This team quietly moves along in the game. They’re not the strongest but that’s almost a good thing. While all the big threats get weeded out, they go under-the-radar. Make no mistake, this group knows what they’re doing. Even when Mark was being thrown into the water, he flipped so effortlessly that he barely made a splash. In the biz, we call that veteran savvy.

1. Johnny Bananas & Camila (LW:1)
Looks like we finally found Johnny Bananas’s weakness: movie trivia. This was a much needed quiet week for these two, but they remain at the top of the heap and still exert the most power in the house. I also really dig Camila’s accent. It sounds like she’s partially deaf or something. Sexy!

Last week’s rankings

Last night, on a very special episode of The Challenge, Vinny and Sarah handily won the HOOK UP competition to seize control of the power in the house. Unfortunately, Vinny either let the power go to his head or didn’t understand that winning the challenge only allows him to throw a team into the Dome, not sexually assault anybody he wants. So after ripping Mandi’s shirt off at a nightclub, Vinny and Sarah were asked by the producers to leave.

Vinny, amateur lawyer that he is, tried to use the old “I was shirtless too” defense, but alas, the good folks at MTV do not condone sexual assault in any way (unless Jersey Shore is involved). I really just feel bad for all the Dominicans that were trying have a good time at the club and happened upon that sweaty, shirtless mass of a man. Good luck trying to score some culo after seeing that. And make sure not to slip on any puddles of sweat.

So Vinny and his C-cups were forced to leave, along with collateral damage in his partner Sarah. Looking back, the moment will go down in Challenge infamy, along with the time Shauvon popped her implant and Brad was unable to spell the word “throne.” Like the Roman emperors, Vinny’s crime was his hubris. Instead of apologizing profusely, he went on to insult Mandi and Wes before sending them into the Elimination. If you sexually assault somebody, you probably shouldn’t put them up for elimination on a reality show. Sarah probably should have known better. That was the last straw. Not that I’m surprised somebody from Boston is capable of doing what Vinny did. So who’s rooting for the Pats this Sunday? Onto the rankings…


ELIMINATED-Wes & Mandi (Last week : 4)
Rough week for Mandi. She’s already got a target on her chest being paired up with the unlikable Wes. Turns out she had two more targets on her chest. Like Kobe going to Germany in the offseason for stem cell treatments, Mandi also had a little work done between seasons. So far it was paying off, as her and Wes won the first Elimination and she was looking fine in her slutty shirt/handkerchief. Then it was all blown up by Vinny. Mandi put up a great fight in the X BATTLE Elimination in the rain (in fact, I’m now considering ripping Carmelo Anthony’s shirt off at the club) but Wes was overwhelmed by Roy Lee. Wes’s strategy of declaring himself the best competitor in the game is working less and less as this was the earliest he has been sent packing. The kid is going to have to pull a Madonna and re-imagine himself the next time around.

10. Tyrie & Jasmine (LW: 12)
Just to make it clear, Jasmine is NOT INTERESTED in Tyrie! Of course, her shit-talking started a massive argument that ended with Tyrie mooning Jasmine and calling her a “stanky booty ass.” Isn’t that a bit like the pot calling the kettle black? And no, my friends, that was not a racist comment. This team is going to go soon if only to give the other teams a little peace and quiet.

9. Dustin & Heather (LW: 10)
These rooks get no love and were picked to compete first in the Challenge. The combo of being new and somewhat athletic-looking is not a good one. In fact, Heather would be better off if she were paired with Mike Mike. We also learned that Dustin and Heather are still hooking up, which is a surprise considering her lack of a penis. And no, my friends, that was not a homophobic comment. Seriously, though, I really thought Dustin would’ve been better at handling that giant pole. OK, that was a little homophobic.

8. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 8)
The opening credits are my favorite since the Haka dance. Basically, each team does their best Lucy/Ricky impression of a couple fighting, except the acting is the type of quality you see in softcore porn. I wonder why Dunbar did such a great job?

Sloppy Seconds

7. Ty & Emily (LW: 9)
Emily is so freaking cute. If she lives in the New York metropolitan area and anyone has her phone number, please send it along to She almost makes me forget that Ty has the strength and endurance of Betty White. Almost.

6. Abram & Cara Maria (LW: 5)
These two didn’t have the best showing in the HOOK UP, but we haven’t seen much of them overall. If they can keep a strong rapport, then they’re lurking as my dark horses to win the entire thing. And if not, we’ll all be treated to a wild, hate-filled sex show. It’s a win-win.

5. Rachel & Aneesa (LW: 7)
This team moves up in the ranking thanks to Aneesa’s strong showing on Roy Lee’s face at the club. I can’t wait for the eventual blow-out with Naomi. Being the all-girl team has its advantages. Sure, they probably won’t win but they’ll coast under the radar for a bit since they’re not viewed as much of a threat.

4. CT & Diem (LW: 3)
Looks like we found the only thing that can stop the Beast: Diem’s nagging. Seeing CT struggle through the Challenge as Diem told him to stop yelling was like seeing Jorge Posada converted to a part-time DH. If only there was a strong possibility that Jorge Posada would rip Joe Girardi’s face off.

Love At First Sight

3. Mark & Robin (LW:2)
It was a quiet week for this team. Mark continues to be the Yoda of the house as Challenge Padawans come to him with questions such as, “It wasn’t that bad that I ripped off her shirt, right?” Mark and Robin know what it takes to end up on top, but I’d still like to see a little conflict out of them somehow. Put down the AARP Magazine and hook up with somebody already!

2. Roy Lee & Naomi (LW:6)
This is a tough one. Roy Lee has proven to be one of the strongest competitors while Naomi is one of the weakest. When you admit that you’re “scared of everything” and “not good at most things,” it bodes poorly your team’s outcome. However, they get over the top because of their newfound ability to pick the order of competitors in the next Challenge and the fact they might bang or cause a serious fight at any moment. It actually looked like Naomi was ripping Roy Lee’s shorts off in the HOOK UP. If she wasn’t so scared about getting her hair extensions wet, T.J. might have given us the first mid-coitis “You killed it” in Challenge history. The problem is that Naomi thinks Roy Lee has real feelings for her. And, like most guys, I’m sure he does. Like the feelings I had for the cheeseburger I ate last night.

1. Johnny Bananas & Camila (LW: 1)
I love conspiracy theories so I’m going to start one right here. Johnny Bananas planned the entire Vinny incident. Think about it. Johnny always has trouble with guys that are bigger than him, like Tyler and CT. Señor Bananas threw the final heat of the Challenge knowing the power would make Vinny unstable. Fast forward to the club, Vinny has a few drinks, takes his shirt off, and maybe Johny whispers a little something in his ear: “Hey Vinny, look at Mandi’s giant fake boobies. You know what would be great? If you ripped her shirt off.” Vinny, drunk with power and strawberry daiquiris (I’m assuming), thinks it’s a marvelous idea and is looking forward to crashing with his new friend Johnny the next time he needs a place to stay. Bing bang boom. Vinny is gone, the insufferable Wes is gone, and everyone got to see Mandi’s tits. Michael Scott would call that a win-win-win. Johnny is a genius. If he was into medicine, we’d have a cure for cancer, but luckily for us he’s into drunken debauchery.

Last week’s rankings

During the Battle of the Exes preview, Mike Mike described The Challenge as “Real World on steroids.” Far be it for me to take a cheap shot at the physiques of our competitors but he’s right. The last time we saw our crew on Rivals, it was like Barry Bonds in 2001. Teams of two enemies were forced to compete to win cash and glorious prizes ($100 and Dr. Dre headphones). The only thing that could possibly ratchet up the tension from that season is sexual energy.

So what did our brilliant producers do? They gave us Rivals but with teams made up of former boyfriends, girlfriends, and hookups. Sure, a few of the teams’ relationship histories aren’t that deep, and maybe the lesbian team doesn’t have much of a chance, but dammit if I’m not going to enjoy another season of destructive behavior and implant-first plunges into bodies of water. And did anyone see what the final course in Iceland looks like? I don’t even think Rocky Balboa could climb those mountains.

We joined our friends in the Dominican Republic this year, where government regulations regarding athletic activities are loose and Priscilla can legally drink. The highlight of any first episode is the mad scramble to pick a bed followed by profuse binge drinking and debauchery on the eve of the first Challenge as well as deep discussion of “the game.” As always, there were more questions than answers. Which teammates are going to hook up? Which teams are going to fall apart? Will anyone hook up with a member of an opposing team? Will CT commit a felony? Why is Nate’s face so red? Let’s try to answer all this and more in our rankings. Bud Light, here we go……..


ELIMINATED-Nate and Priscilla
You knew things weren’t going to end well when Nate’s face got redder and redder as it got closer to elimination time. By the time he was ready to compete, it was the color of Wes’s hair. It’s a shame Kenny wasn’t around to point this out. If Nate is a rocket scientist, shouldn’t he have done a better job figuring out that any surface covered in honey is going to be slippery? That’s Newton’s fourth law of physics: Objects in motion, stay in motion when they’re covered in honey. T.J. couldn’t wait to send these two packing. Personally, I would have liked to see Jenn with 2 n’s and Adam instead of this team, but apparently Priscilla filled the slutty ethnic girl quota. Come back, Jenn with 2 n’s!

12. Tyrie & Jasmine
This is possibly the most annoying team in Challenge history. Jasmine started off her night by slamming a picture of her and Tyrie to the ground to establish that NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN BETWEEN THEM! Tyrie reacted by not taking a shower. They have about as much a shot at winning as Rihanna getting back with Chris Brown. Wait, what?

11. Big Easy Vinny & Sarah
Seeing Vinny with his shirt off was by far the most jarring moment of the episode. Here I am thinking he’s some jacked Masshole when he’s apparently been going to the same gym/bakery that Mo Vaughn used to. Sarah is a genuinely good competitor but there’s a fat chance this team can make a run for the top prize. See what I did there?

10. Dustin & Heather
I’m not surprised Dustin did so well in the “Give Me Some Honey” Challenge. I’m pretty sure he did that on a regular basis at the Frat Pad (NSFW!!!).Dustin also get credit for the best quote of the week: “This is way thicker than I thought it was gonna be.” He was talking about the honey, or was he? Dustin and Heather tried to form a rookie alliance in the face of Johnny Bananas, but it didn’t go anywhere. Cute that they tried, though. I’m not sure that Dustin makes it out of the competition after the guys get on him about the whole gay porn thing. And they will get on him about the whole gay porn thing.

9. Ty & Emily
This team has two major problems:
1. Ty has the athletic ability of a six-year-old girl.
2. Ty assaulted Emily.

That is all.

8. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts
After maxing out with Ev in Rivals, it looks like Paula has fallen back to the pack with her new partner Dunbar. These two have screwed each other in more ways than one over the years and apparently haven’t so much as talked in a while. Probably not a good thing if you’re not talking to your partner. They did not perform well in the Challenge at all. This team may also struggle in Challenges that involve problem solving or any type of thinking in general.

Sloppy Seconds

7. Rachel & Aneesa
Look, I love lesbians as much as the next guyyou can’t go up against the likes of CT and Mark without a penis. Just can’t be done. Sorry ladies.

6. Roy Lee & Naomi
They have incredible chemistry, but I’m pretty sure this team is going to get knocked out when they start banging in the middle of an Elimination. I seriously thought an orgy was going to break out when these two were covered in honey at the same time as Abram and Cara Maria. Also, Naomi gets bonus points for looking fiiiiiiiiine in her bikini.

5. Abram & Cara Maria
On the surface, this team would be a contender but they’re so fucking crazy. Cara has great athletic ability for a chick, Abram does a great job of leading the way, and you know they’re just going to explode at each other at some point along the way. Either that, or Cara is going to whip the shit out of Abram when they reconnect and have a wild BDSM romp. I’m a little disappointed Cara wasn’t paired up with her horse but apparently their relationship is still going strong.

4. Wes & Mandi
They survived the first Elimination but attracted a powerful enemy in Johnny Bananas. Wes’s strategy of forming an alliance with the rookies has failed in the past and it’s going to fail again. The rooks simply don’t have the fortitude or the wits to withstand Mr. Bananas. Mandi is quite the bitch as well. Her and Wes have about as much repartee as Newt Gingrich and one of his ex-wives. Check out this exchange after they won the Elimination:

Wes: “You knew we were coming back. All we did was give ourselves more confidence and scare the rest of the people here.”
Mandi: “I have nothing more to add to that.”
Wes: [awkward silence] “Ditto.”

Nobody cares that Mandi has a boyfriend at home, either. Mark my words, she’s going to be hooking up with somebody within two weeks. This group may have the physical strength to compete with the best of them but they just don’t play “the game” well. Oh jeeze, now I’m talking like them.

Love At First Sight

3. CT & Diem
Obviously any team with the beast CT has a chance. But look into his eyes as he’s talking with Diem, and you can see the pain and heartbreak. Doth the beast gone soft? When CT smiles at Diem, I get the impression that he’s either contemplating a life with her or a life with no parole and nothing in between. It’s just a shame that Diem is such a career girl. Didn’t realize Mary Tyler Moore was on an MTV reality show. This is another team in which the chemistry is really going to affect their performance, possibly more so than any other. These two have so much baggage even Southwest Airlines would make them pay a fee.

2. Mark & Robin
The wily veteran is back! Mark is in absolute great condition and will use his experience to advance far. I’m going to miss him hosting the aftershow, though. He also did a few too many Discount Double Checks, but who knew the Packers were going to bomb out of the playoffs? Mark and Robin appear to have a strong relationship which is going to help as well. They are well-respected and know how to keep their noses clean. That goes a long way in The Challenge.

1. Johnny Bananas & Camila
This week’s Power Couple will no doubt influence the goings-on of the house all season. If anything, their greatest flaw is that the target on their back may be too big. Why wouldn’t any team that won a Challenge throw them immediately into an Elimination? That’s where Johnny’s brilliant power plays come in. It also appears that he’s been taking his, uh, vitamins in the offseason. And don’t underestimate Camila, either. She’s a firecracker in her own right. She’s not afraid to speak her mind and defend her partner, and Johnny will always be there to back her up or tell her to move along. Johnny and Camila may or may not have hooked up before but there’s definitely a connection there. Forget about bringing home the Dr. Dre headphones, I’ll be disappointed if these two don’t get married on the reunion show. The Rev. T.J. Lavin will officiate. Holding hands while throwing Wes under the bus? That’s love.