Jabroni of the Week: Snooki

Posted: March 4, 2012 by Keith Stone in jabronis, TV
Tags: , , , ,

Snooki has the best job in the world. She gets paid an untold fortune for drinking, acting like an idiot, and talking about herself. Most of us do the same things for free. She could literally hold MTV hostage because the ratings for anything she does are so high. From Jersey Shore a spinoff featuring her and JWoww was being ready to be filmed in Jersey City. There was pretty much nothing Snooki could do to fuck up her career because her career was all about getting fucked up. Nothing besides getting pregnant.

You can’t get fucked up if you’re pregnant. You can’t get too fucked up once you have a kid. I’m sure there’s going to be a show called Snooki & Pregnant but MTV would really, really be stretching the limits of good taste. Surprisingly, some of us who watch Jersey Shore have standards. I don’t mind seeing Snooki do cartwheels with her thong hanging out. I don’t mind seeing Ronnie one shot guidos who give him a dirty look. I don’t mind the MVP kids continuously objectifying and mistreating chicks. But once a kid is involved, it’s not fair to drag him or her into this herpes-riddled mess.

How does Jionni let this happen? The kid fell into a goldmine. Sure, he has to bang Snooki but it’s a small price to pay to come along for the ride. Don’t think he doesn’t get a nice paycheck every time he pops up on the show. He has to do even less work than she does. If he gets into an argument with her once or twice a season, he’s done his job. Now he has to deal with a pregnant Snooki. Can you imagine what she’s going to be like when she’s pregnant or when she’s a mom? The smart play was to put up with this for a few years, bank some money, and have fun going places and getting comped because your girlfriend is a TV star. Not a bad life for your early 20’s. Now Jionni is going to have to deal with Snooki for 18 years. I thought he was supposed to be the conservative one. Shouldn’t he have been wearing two condoms at a time, even if she was infertile? Either that or dissolve extra birth control in her morning vodka.

Snooks, babe, I really hope you’ve been managing your money well. Forget about appearing at nightclubs or Wrestlemania anymore. You made more out of your life than should have been humanly possible. It really is a condemnation of our world as a whole, but hey, I can’t blame you for taking advantage of society’s ills. Remember what the MKS tells you before you go for #2, though. Always make the guy pull out or let him put it in your ass. If the most important rule at the Jersey Shore is never fall in love, surely this is next. May God have mercy on your baby’s soul. Until then, you’re a jabroni, brother.

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