Last night, on a very special episode of The Challenge, Vinny and Sarah handily won the HOOK UP competition to seize control of the power in the house. Unfortunately, Vinny either let the power go to his head or didn’t understand that winning the challenge only allows him to throw a team into the Dome, not sexually assault anybody he wants. So after ripping Mandi’s shirt off at a nightclub, Vinny and Sarah were asked by the producers to leave.
Vinny, amateur lawyer that he is, tried to use the old “I was shirtless too” defense, but alas, the good folks at MTV do not condone sexual assault in any way (unless Jersey Shore is involved). I really just feel bad for all the Dominicans that were trying have a good time at the club and happened upon that sweaty, shirtless mass of a man. Good luck trying to score some culo after seeing that. And make sure not to slip on any puddles of sweat.
So Vinny and his C-cups were forced to leave, along with collateral damage in his partner Sarah. Looking back, the moment will go down in Challenge infamy, along with the time Shauvon popped her implant and Brad was unable to spell the word “throne.” Like the Roman emperors, Vinny’s crime was his hubris. Instead of apologizing profusely, he went on to insult Mandi and Wes before sending them into the Elimination. If you sexually assault somebody, you probably shouldn’t put them up for elimination on a reality show. Sarah probably should have known better. That was the last straw. Not that I’m surprised somebody from Boston is capable of doing what Vinny did. So who’s rooting for the Pats this Sunday? Onto the rankings…
Abortions
ELIMINATED-Wes & Mandi (Last week : 4)
Rough week for Mandi. She’s already got a target on her chest being paired up with the unlikable Wes. Turns out she had two more targets on her chest. Like Kobe going to Germany in the offseason for stem cell treatments, Mandi also had a little work done between seasons. So far it was paying off, as her and Wes won the first Elimination and she was looking fine in her slutty shirt/handkerchief. Then it was all blown up by Vinny. Mandi put up a great fight in the X BATTLE Elimination in the rain (in fact, I’m now considering ripping Carmelo Anthony’s shirt off at the club) but Wes was overwhelmed by Roy Lee. Wes’s strategy of declaring himself the best competitor in the game is working less and less as this was the earliest he has been sent packing. The kid is going to have to pull a Madonna and re-imagine himself the next time around.
10. Tyrie & Jasmine (LW: 12)
Just to make it clear, Jasmine is NOT INTERESTED in Tyrie! Of course, her shit-talking started a massive argument that ended with Tyrie mooning Jasmine and calling her a “stanky booty ass.” Isn’t that a bit like the pot calling the kettle black? And no, my friends, that was not a racist comment. This team is going to go soon if only to give the other teams a little peace and quiet.
9. Dustin & Heather (LW: 10)
These rooks get no love and were picked to compete first in the Challenge. The combo of being new and somewhat athletic-looking is not a good one. In fact, Heather would be better off if she were paired with Mike Mike. We also learned that Dustin and Heather are still hooking up, which is a surprise considering her lack of a penis. And no, my friends, that was not a homophobic comment. Seriously, though, I really thought Dustin would’ve been better at handling that giant pole. OK, that was a little homophobic.
8. Dunbar & Paula Walnuts (LW: 8)
The opening credits are my favorite since the Haka dance. Basically, each team does their best Lucy/Ricky impression of a couple fighting, except the acting is the type of quality you see in softcore porn. I wonder why Dunbar did such a great job?
Sloppy Seconds
7. Ty & Emily (LW: 9)
Emily is so freaking cute. If she lives in the New York metropolitan area and anyone has her phone number, please send it along to stats@rainmansuite.com. She almost makes me forget that Ty has the strength and endurance of Betty White. Almost.
6. Abram & Cara Maria (LW: 5)
These two didn’t have the best showing in the HOOK UP, but we haven’t seen much of them overall. If they can keep a strong rapport, then they’re lurking as my dark horses to win the entire thing. And if not, we’ll all be treated to a wild, hate-filled sex show. It’s a win-win.
5. Rachel & Aneesa (LW: 7)
This team moves up in the ranking thanks to Aneesa’s strong showing on Roy Lee’s face at the club. I can’t wait for the eventual blow-out with Naomi. Being the all-girl team has its advantages. Sure, they probably won’t win but they’ll coast under the radar for a bit since they’re not viewed as much of a threat.
4. CT & Diem (LW: 3)
Looks like we found the only thing that can stop the Beast: Diem’s nagging. Seeing CT struggle through the Challenge as Diem told him to stop yelling was like seeing Jorge Posada converted to a part-time DH. If only there was a strong possibility that Jorge Posada would rip Joe Girardi’s face off.
Love At First Sight
3. Mark & Robin (LW:2)
It was a quiet week for this team. Mark continues to be the Yoda of the house as Challenge Padawans come to him with questions such as, “It wasn’t that bad that I ripped off her shirt, right?” Mark and Robin know what it takes to end up on top, but I’d still like to see a little conflict out of them somehow. Put down the AARP Magazine and hook up with somebody already!
2. Roy Lee & Naomi (LW:6)
This is a tough one. Roy Lee has proven to be one of the strongest competitors while Naomi is one of the weakest. When you admit that you’re “scared of everything” and “not good at most things,” it bodes poorly your team’s outcome. However, they get over the top because of their newfound ability to pick the order of competitors in the next Challenge and the fact they might bang or cause a serious fight at any moment. It actually looked like Naomi was ripping Roy Lee’s shorts off in the HOOK UP. If she wasn’t so scared about getting her hair extensions wet, T.J. might have given us the first mid-coitis “You killed it” in Challenge history. The problem is that Naomi thinks Roy Lee has real feelings for her. And, like most guys, I’m sure he does. Like the feelings I had for the cheeseburger I ate last night.
1. Johnny Bananas & Camila (LW: 1)
I love conspiracy theories so I’m going to start one right here. Johnny Bananas planned the entire Vinny incident. Think about it. Johnny always has trouble with guys that are bigger than him, like Tyler and CT. Señor Bananas threw the final heat of the Challenge knowing the power would make Vinny unstable. Fast forward to the club, Vinny has a few drinks, takes his shirt off, and maybe Johny whispers a little something in his ear: “Hey Vinny, look at Mandi’s giant fake boobies. You know what would be great? If you ripped her shirt off.” Vinny, drunk with power and strawberry daiquiris (I’m assuming), thinks it’s a marvelous idea and is looking forward to crashing with his new friend Johnny the next time he needs a place to stay. Bing bang boom. Vinny is gone, the insufferable Wes is gone, and everyone got to see Mandi’s tits. Michael Scott would call that a win-win-win. Johnny is a genius. If he was into medicine, we’d have a cure for cancer, but luckily for us he’s into drunken debauchery.
Rainman Suite 