Rainman Suite

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Who called this about two weeks ago?  After agreeing to go to rehab, the Golden Voice himself, Ted Williams, has left Origins Recovery Center against the advice of everybody in the world.  The fame ruined this guy.  Everyone should have left him alone.  After all this drama, is anybody rooting for him anymore?  First, he got into a fight with his daughter and now he’s quitting rehab.  I’m more sick of him than Sammi Sweetheart.  I can’t wait for him to appear on Celebrity Rehab about a year from now.  I bet Dr. Drew is rushing to be by his side as we speak.  I know who’s to blame for this whole ordeal.  Queen James.  The Decision drove Golden Voice to drugs.  Another reason to hate the Queen.  Finally, the biggest question is: how does this guy have a girlfriend and I don’t have one?  Chicks dig the voice.

TMZ

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All these tech experts are saying that 2011 is the year that we are going to stop using credit cards and start using smartphones to make payments.  This is absurd.  My mom takes 10 minutes to type a text message that says “Hi Keith” so how is she supposed to figure this out?  Call me old fashioned, but I like being able to swipe a credit card.  A couple years ago the MTA tried to let subway riders tap their credit card against a censor instead of swiping their Metrocard and you know who uses it?  Nobody.  I don’t like this idea for other reasons.  If you’re making a call or texting, you couldn’t make a payment without getting all complicated.  Plus, if you lose your cell phone, you are fucked beyond belief.  The dude at this Isis company is all talk and bullshit.  The same people who are going to use it are the people who are the mayor of the CVS down the street.  The point of technology is to make life more convenient.  A lot of these new apps are very cool and fill a need in the world.  This is going to save 2 seconds, tops.  No way it catches on.  I’ll stick to plastic.

CNN

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What’s that sound?  It’s silence.  I can think again.  I don’t have to hear Rex Ryan’s voice for another nine months.  It’s glorious.  It was close, but the Jets were eliminated in the AFC Championship (again!) by the Steelers 24-19 last night.  So the world is right again.  The sky is blue.  Cats hate dogs.  The Jets and their fans are relegated back into second-class status behind the Gmen.

I’ll be a man and give them their due.  The Jets are a solid team but you can’t go to the Super Bowl after falling behind 24-0 with 1 rushing yard in the first half.  I still don’t think the Sanchize is going to be anything more than a decent quarterback despite all the hype and their running game needs to improve a lot, whether it’s with Shonn Green or not, but the D is phenomenal and their chemistry is unique and strong.  Personally, I’d fire Brian Schottenheimer because the offense really struggled a ton but that’s not going to happen.  Overall a nice season for the Jets but there aren’t any moral victories in the playoffs.  You have to win the fucking thing, Rexy.

As for Super Bowl XLV, it’s a nice matchup.  Both teams are strong with good, old fanbases but neither are juggernauts.  Aaron Rodgers is having his coming-out party and Ben is looking for redemption and a chance to be a legitimate all-timer.  Throw in Clay Matthews, Troy Polamalu, AJ Hawk, and James Harrison and you have plenty of storylines to satisfy a true football fan and keep bandwagoners interested.  I’ve got the Steelers because of the experience.  Also, they actually have a running game.  It’s going to be close, though, and it wouldn’t be surprising if the Cheeseheads pulled it off.

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Like Eli Manning in 2008, I’m going to Disney World for the rest of the week.  Gonna have to make due with Jasmine till I get back, kids.  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

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On Friday, University of Colorado sophomore Nic Ramos protested the rising cost of tuition by paying for his spring semester—over $14,000—in dollar bills.  What a great idea.  It took three people an hour to count the money.  If he went to NYU like me, it would have taken at least five people two hours.  College is way too expensive.  Nobody really learns anything unless you’re something crazy like a physics major, anyways.  The money just goes to these presidents and administrators who don’t do much and are wildly overpaid.  That’s where our money’s going.  At least Nic made them work for it and let them see how absurd the amount is.  Plus, it’s always been my dream to walk around with a 33-pound duffel bag filled with money.  That must have been awesome.  Good thing he didn’t lose it.

NY Times

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I would watch Vince Vaughn do anything: go to the post office, order a pizza, play tennis.  The way he talks and interacts with other people is unlike anything I’ve ever seen.  He is everybody’s best friend.  That is why his movies are so good.  Their premises are simple and his personality drives each one.  It is fun and enjoyable to be in his presence.  Plus, he doesn’t oversaturate himself like the Seth Rogans of the world.

The Dilemma is Vince Vaughn’s best movie since Wedding Crashers.  He plays Ronny Valentine, a good guy who is faced with a tough dilemma (get it!?!?!) when he catches his best friend’s wife cheating on him.  Kevin James does a good Jon Favreau impression as Vince’s best friend, especially compared to earlier frenzied roles such as Paul Blart.  Jennifer Connelly and Winona Rider are also great as Vince’s and James’s girls, respectively.  The Dilemma and its actors do a nice job of balancing comedy (with sometimes overly silly scenes) with sweet and sensitive moments.  However, Channing Tatum’s portrayal of Rider’s druggie sidepiece was way too frenetic and was the biggest disappointment of the movie.  Like The Break-Up and Couples Retreat, The Dilemma gets a little too serious at the end but you have to give credit that it was realistic and problems are not so easily solved in real life.  It’s a great date movie, which is funny because I saw it by myself on a Monday afternoon.  If anybody else plays the role of Ronny, it’s a good, silly romantic comedy, but with Vince it’s a lot more.  3 stars.

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My friends say that Nicki Minaj looks like a transsexual alien prostitute.  If that’s true, then I love transsexual alien prostitutes.  Or I’m a freak.  Dayyyyyyyyyyyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!

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The first episode of the US version of Skins was horrible.  It was nearly identical to the first episode of the British counterpart except much more watered-down.  It’s understandable that most viewers have never seen the British version, but it was really like going from Playboy to Skinemax.  If Skins going to be the like that, it would have been nice to see more of an American twist or go in a different direction.  The acting was subpar, even for MTV.  It was over-the-top and in-your-face.  Every joke does not need to be spelled out and so obvious.  The actors did everything short of winking every time you were supposed to laugh.  Subtlety, people!  The most egregious mistake, however, was the casting.  Part of the appeal of Skins is that the actors are actually teenagers and not like the cast of Scream.  The British cast looked like they had some mileage on them, though.  Drew Barrymore-style.  The Americans seemed so small and young.  All the characters are fucked up, but there’s just something more inherently appealing and likable about those Brits.  They’re flawed but you’re rooting for them.  The Americans come off whiny and spoiled.  The biggest mistake was the casting of Tony, the show’s most important character.  Nicholas Hoult plays British Tony with an magnetism that makes you want to let him hook up with your sister.  He’s an asshole and he doesn’t care about you, but you want to be friends with him anyway.  In contrast, James Milo Newman does a fairly average job with American Tony, but doesn’t leave you wanting to find out what going to happen next week.  And that, my friends, is the most important thing.  I’ll stick to The Hard Times of RJ Berger.  1 star.

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I’ve seen worse on the subway [NY Post]
Italian Prime Minister involved with teenage hookers [Guardian]
Cool volcano pics [Gawker]
Duane Reade Bar [NY Times]
Oprah singlehandedly raises Kraft stock [NY Daily News]
Great Jets newspaper covers [Deadspin]

Enjoy the long weekend.  Stay out of trouble.

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Panera Bread just opened up their third “pay as you wish” Panera Cares store in Portland, Oregon.  I love it, as does every homeless person in Portland.  Founder Ron Shaich asks, “Will people step up and help each other or will they take advantage?”  Bill Walton can help all he wants, I’m going to take advantage.  Open one of these babies up in New York and I’ll be there everyday.  Whoops, I only have $3 in my wallet, sorry.  I love going to a museum with a suggested donation and then just giving a couple of balled-up singles so the girl I’m with doesn’t think I’m a cheap bastard.  I’m sure there are enough do-gooders in the world to more than compensate for my cheapskateness.  So here’s my plea to you, Mr. Shaich.  Let’s get a Panera Cares up in the Greatest City in the World.  Preferably somewhere close to Union Square.

ABC News