Posts Tagged ‘celebs’

Stephen Hawking Is A Mack Daddy

Posted: February 28, 2012 by Keith Stone in celebs
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Hey, brilliant physicists need loving too. In what can only be described as the most unexpected news in a while (pretty much the exact opposite of Whitney Houston dying of a drug overdose), Stephen Hawking has been outed as a regular at Devore. What’s Devore? A place where the world’s greatest thinkers discuss philosophical and scientific quandaries that mankind has spent centuries trying to answer? Nope, it’s a sex club. The 70-year-old who’s confined to a wheelchair with Lou Gehrig’s Disease and speaks through a computer comes to the club on the reg with his nurses and assistants and heads to a special play room in the back while naked ladies grind on him.

This is great news. If anyone ever calls you immature or stupid for going to a strip club, all you have to say is, “But Stephen Hawking does it!” Validated. And props to Steve for still getting his (metaphorical) rocks off. There’s only so much time a person could spend studying space and atoms and time travel. Sometimes the only black holes you want to think about are when a chick named LaToya is bouncing on top of you. My only question is whether he uses the computer to talk to the girls. Imagine popping on top of an old paralyzed dude and hearing in that monotone computer voice: “PUT YOUR TITTIES IN MY FACE. OH YES. THAT IS GREAT.” Kinda turns me on.


Is It Whale-Hunting Season Already?

Posted: February 24, 2012 by Keith Stone in celebs
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I know Jessica Simpson’s isn’t great with common expressions and intelligence in general, but is it possible she got confused about the whole eating for two thing? Like maybe she got her numbers confused and has been eating for seven? I mean, it looks like she ate Kirstie Alley. I don’t know what is going on anymore. Jessica Simpson is a fat blob. An Asian guy is leading the Knicks to glory. OUR PETS’ HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!!! Let’s just remember the good old days, kids.