I got eliminated in the first round of my fantasy playoffs last week. Nobody likes to hear about the details so I’ll spare them. It’s kind of like not looking at the dick of the guy next to you at the urinal. I’ll deal solely with hypothetical examples.
Really, is there a more illogical concept than fantasy football? You could have a great week and beat every other team in the league except one and lose because the guy you’re playing is that one. Maybe your starting running back gets benched for the first half of a game for a vague curfew violation THAT YOU HAD NO WAY TO PREPARE FOR while the running backs on your bench went for 20 points. Maybe you pick up a new kicker because your old one got shut out the week before and then he proceeds to score 10 more points than the one you picked up. Why are kickers on a fantasy team anyway? The amount of points they score is totally dependent on the rest of their team. How is that fair? I’d rather roll a ten-sided die to get my kicker points than actually let a kicker determine it.
And don’t forget about the football fans that only root for their fantasy players. They’re the worst. Ever sit next to one of them at a bar and you think he’s rooting for your team because he’s cheering for one of your guys? Then, your team scores a touchdown but he’s pissed because his WR didn’t score it? Chill out, bro. This isn’t The Lawnmower Man. Some of us exist in the real world. Yeah, I’m bitter. Onto the picks.
REDSKINS AT GIANTS (-6.5)
Stone: Giants
Slumdeeezy: Giants
Rory: Redskins
I think the Giants still win, but it is a close one. Sexy Rexy!
DP Animal: Giants
The rivalry game aspect gives me pause, but it’s hard to take Rex Grossman on the road.
Phanatic: Redskins
PACKERS (13.5) AT CHIEFS
Stone: Packers
If the Chiefs score 10 points, I’ll be wildly surprised.
Slumdeeezy: Packers
Rory: Packers
Fairy Tale Football playoffs for me! I have Rodgers & Nelson (which sounds like a play-writing duo). Due to the advanced efforts of Julio Jones and Mo-Jo Drew, I need these two to play extremely well.
DP Animal: Packers
Phanatic: Packers
SAINTS (-6.5) AT VIKINGS
Stone: Saints
Drew Brees on turf against a banged-up secondary? Yes please.
Slumdeeezy: Saints
Rory: Vikings
Because the Vikings are bad.
DP Animal: Saints
Phanatic: Vikings
SEAHAWKS AT BEARS (-3.5)
Stone: Seahawks
Slumdeeezy: Seahawks
Rory: Bears
The Blessing of Tebow! The Vikings are bad (as previously noted), but they did cover the spread!
DP Animal: Seahawks
Maybe a homer pick, but I’m actually very encouraged with the way the Seahawks are developing. The foundation for a good team seems to have been laid.
Phanatic: Bears
DOLPHINS AT BILLS (PICK)
Stone: Dolphins
Slumdeeezy: Bills
Rory: Dolphins
Screw it.
DP Animal: Dolphins
Thought it was weird that Tony Sparano got the boot this week, and not when the team was 0-7. If he was toast at that point no matter what, why not just fire him then? Alternately, why not just let him finish out the year and then find a coach in the offseason.
Phanatic: Dolphins
PANTHERS AT TEXANS (-6.5)
Stone: Panthers
I see a little bit of a letdown for the Texans after last week’s dramatic division-clinching win.
Slumdeeezy: Texans
Rory: Texans
Being a Nets fan until Dwight is traded is going to be terrible: not just for the waiting, but for the horrible Dwight puns that will happen. I don’t like Dwightmare, but I do like Dwight Lightning.
DP Animal: Texans
Phanatic: Panthers
TITANS (-6.5) AT COLTS
Stone: Titans
Slumdeeezy: Titans
Rory: Titans
DP Animal: Titans
The Manning/Luck situation will probably drive us all nuts this offseason, but for now I find it fascinating. I’m not sure what I’d do as Indy, but fortunately I don’t have to make that decision.
Phanatic: Colts
I just want them to win so badly.
BENGALS (-5.5) AT RAMS
Stone: Bengals
No Bradford, problem.
Slumdeeezy: Bengals
Rory: Bengals
DP Animal: Bengals
They may have two wins, but the Rams are the worst team in football right now.
Phanatic: Bengals
LIONS (-1.5) AT RAIDERS
Stone: Raiders
Slumdeeezy: Lions
Rory: Raiders
I don’t trust Detroit. The city.
DP Animal: Lions
While I’d love the Raiders to win for playoff purposes, I don’t see it happening.
Phanatic: Raiders
PATRIOTS (-6.5) AT BRONCOS
Stone: Broncos
Slumdeeezy: Patriots
Rory: Patriots
Teboner.
DP Animal: Patriots
Tim Tebow has actually been pretty decent the last few weeks: if his receivers had actually caught the ball last week he wouldn’t have needed several lucky breaks to come back against the Bears. Still, this is the best team he’ll have faced.
Phanatic: Patriots
Tebow comes back down to earth, Belichick/Brady put him in his place.
BROWNS AT CARDINALS (-6.5)
Stone: Cardinals
Slumdeeezy: Cardinals
Rory: Browns
Really? The Cardinals? Hey, they are still techincally alive for the playoffs.
DP Animal: Cardinals
Playoff hopes still alive in the desert!
Phanatic: Browns
JETS AT DREAM TEAM (-2.5)
Stone: Jets
When the weather gets cold, don’t go against the J-E-T-S.
Slumdeeezy: Jets
Rory: Jets
DP Animal: Jets
OK, so they looked decent for the first time in a month and now people think the Eagles are back?
Phanatic: Dream Team
RAVENS (-2.5) AT CHARGERS
Stone: Chargers
The Chargers always win these December games once it seems like they’re down and out.
Slumdeeezy: Ravens
Rory: Ravens
Bye bye, Norvan.
DP Animal: Ravens
Phanatic: Chargers
STEELERS AT 49ERS (-2.5)
Stone: Steelers
The 49ers aren’t as good as everyone thinks they are.
Slumdeeezy: Steelers
Rory: Steelers
DP Animal: Steelers
Phanatic: 49ers
CURRENT RECORDS
Stone: 117-87 (Last week: 10-6)
Rory: 115-89 (8-8)
Slumdeezy: 109-95 (9-7)
DP Animal: 101-103 (8-8)
Phanatic: 95-109 (5-11)
Rainman Suite 