Archive for the ‘Staten Island’ Category

Claw Machine

Posted: December 18, 2011 by Keith Stone in lobsters, Staten Island

A Staten Island sports bar that has a claw machine with lobsters as prizes instead of stuffed animals is in hot water (get it?) with PETA. Dugout Pub South lets customers play the game for $2 and the lobsters must be eaten at the restaurant and not kept as pets. On the one hand, it’s pretty much the same thing that most restaurants do and if you’re a competitive bastard like me, it’s cool to win your dinner on the cheap. Buuuuuuuuuuut, it is a bit inhumane to have the lives of animals on the line as a prize for a game, and have a claw knock them around, pick them up, and drop them as well. There are about 1,000 of these machines around the country but they’re more common in, let’s say, more rural areas.

Ernie Pappas, the president of the company that makes the machines defended the concept by saying, “When guys go into a sports bar…they will never be in the NFL, they’ll never be a pro golfer or any kind of professional athlete. But they can be a fisherman by catching that lobster. Here a regular guy can go in, and when he catches it, which is difficult, he runs around saying, ‘I caught a lobster!’ Well, that’s a pretty interesting thing to do.” That’s really the most ludicrous part of the whole story. When I beat my buddies at a drunken game of air hockey, I don’t feel like Wayne Gretzky. Just because you can catch a lobster with a claw machine, doesn’t make you a fisherman. It means you’d be great at getting teddy bears for little kids. Ernie Pappas would make a great politician.

NY Daily News

Gobble Gobble

Posted: November 22, 2011 by Keith Stone in Staten Island, Thanksgiving

It’s good news and bad news for Staten Islanders as Thanksgiving approaches. The bad news is that wild turkeys are taking over the streets. The good news is that there’s no need to go to the supermarket to pick up the main course. Apparently, a local mental patient freed her nine pet turkeys over a decade ago. Now residents say the turkeys have multiplied into the thousands, leaving lawns covered in poop and people afraid to leave their homes.

The turkeys are protected by city law so hunting them is illegal. It really would work out but then you open up Pandora’s box for Chinese restaurants serving cats and dogs. Genius state officials are surveying locals to try to find the best solution, which means the problem will be solved in about 22 years. Hmmmmmmmmmmm, let’s see, shall we? What’s a way to get rid of turkeys the week before everyone eats turkey? Beats me! Only in Staten Island can you celebrate Thanksgiving with turkeys flying around on your front lawn. Thanks crazy lady!

NY Daily News

Johnny Utah’s is being sued by a guy that fractured his leg while riding their mechanical bull even though everyone who rides the bull is forced to sign a waiver. He claims it started moving before he was on and is now “permanently disabled.” Look, it sucks that the guy hurt himself but if you’re hopping on a mechanical bull after a couple of drinks, you have to know what you’re getting into. ESPECIALLY IF YOU SIGNED A WAIVER! Unfortunately, this isn’t the only stupid booze-related lawsuit this week.

A few years ago, a clown suffered a broken ankle and nose after getting into a fight over a beer pong game in Staten Island (naturally). Now a judge is saying that he can sue the bar he was playing at because the single bartender that was there didn’t provide enough security. There are so many ridiculous lawsuits in this country, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before. The point of beer pong is to have fun, get drunk, and meet chicks, but after playing for five minutes, I always fucking hate the other team. Why is the guy on the other team with the popped collar trying to distract me while I’m shooting? Stop pretending to dance to that Katy Perry song, bro. I know what you’re doing. Then, his partner has a 45-second routine every time he takes a shot. I don’t have all day, Karl Malone. Maybe every beer pong game should have a security guard at least in the mystical land of the guidos known as Staten Island.

When you go out and drink, shit happens. You just have to accept it. Don’t be a bitch and sue the bar. Alcohol is about getting drunk and chilling with your friends, like these kids. Make YouTube videos, not war. THAT’S A 50!